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Evanescent Alvis

Alvis, you have been a wonderful friend to me over the years here at BMR. You're an incredible person and I've seen so many kind things come from you. I will remind you that you have been someone who has been supportive of this little bear and you've been a good shoulder for me to lean on. You're strong and you're going to be able to make it through this. You've been a light for me and I'm here for you if you need some light back. :heart: You're such a wonderful person and I hate this both for you and your family members but life does have good moments and life is shit, yes, but it is also wonderful sometimes and absolutely amazing at other times.

You are strong and you will get through this. Love you!
 
I get a headache from trying to help people i my life that won;t held themselves. Workeed into migraine today.. But really, is that such a bad thing? Frustrating, maybe. But maybe my wn bitter anger adn resentment is what it takes for people totry and get their shit together.

There ae a few people on BMR that I value beyoond words, and I don't eed to name them. They ought know who they are by now, and if not, well, that's on me. Fuck it. Bear, Irons, Andy, Sharp, Spider. Paragons of humanity, and people that inspire me to try adn be more than I am.

I wish I was worthy of who you seem to thinkof me. Buut really, I only hope I can be a pale shaodw of who o all seemto think of me. Your support means more tham I can put words to. Thank you. Never forget that I think the world of you all.
 
UUUGGGHHH, so my work got broken into. AGAIN. Third year in a row. It's great. Stole a bike that belonged to a customer this time, which does piss me off more than most.

We've got some feelers out to find out who it was, but this time...well, the cops know about the break in, but frankl,y if we find him I'm more inclined to ask the guys who find him to just put him in the ground and be done with it.
 
Another year passing, and apparently that I still have problematic thought processes. Which is fair. I mean, when your daily routine is 'can I just please die? Can it be over?' is considered a bad outlook to have.

But it remains a pervasive thought for me.
 
I hear ya, chief.

Really, I do. Like you, there are days I only get to work because my feet are on automatic.

Sometimes all you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope for the best.

Just hang in there, mate. Talk to your doctor if you can't talk to friends. Sometimes a stranger's ear can make all the difference.
 
So, I might be a few days behind on getting out me RP replies, and for that, I'm sorry to all.

But my workplace has another break in and that's leaving me doing a lot of extra shit to try and mitigate this disaster in progress.

I'll post more when I know more.

Again, sorry all
 
So, a lot of people I knkow have been aware of the gradual shit storm that has been my life of late.

Short version? My cousin, who was the closest thing I had to a sister growing up, has breast cancer! To make things worse, this is also the daughter of the uncle I lost to Super Cancer a year or two back. So that's got things amped up a lot.

To make matters worse? Last Saturday my mother calls to let me know she's got Melanoma. She';s also got a mild auto-immune disorder, so it's a 50/50 at this point as to whether it's spread to her lymphatic system. If not, then they caught it in time adn she'll be fine. If it did...well, she's basically fucked.

This year can already just fuck right off.

People might be seeing replies from me, since I think I'm passing the depression/despair horizon that makes me want to write to think of fucking ANYTHING ELSE but my life.

That is all.

2020 can die in a ball of nuclear hellfire thanks.
 
Short update, my mother goes in for her surgery, which will determine how things are, happens at 10 AM tomorrow. With a bit of luck, this'll be one less thing to weigh on me, or it'll be the thing that sends me into a screaming downspiral, but hey, what's life without some chances? So here we go!

Wish me luck.
 
Been awhile, so I'll make some updates on thigns.

My mother is out of the woods, the cancer she hadwas localized, adn was removed before it went elsewhere, so that made good news.

She also turned 60 on Monday.

And i also shattered one of my wisdom teeth somehow almost a month back. That was less fun that one might imagine. Made the dental call, got the appointment booked, had to spend $2300 to get everything sorted out, which happened earlier today. So now I'm on lots of drugs to get through this thing.
 
Back to work for me!

Logging full time hours again, which is a bit hard to cope with since I still apparently can't sleep for shit anymore.

Gods I miss sleeping. ><

But I'll get better, each and every day I'll get better at shit adn keep going.

Or I'll snap and have a psychotic episode. Either or.

I'm ambivalent.
 
Been a hell of a day to be honest.

Called my grandmother because she's fresh out of exploratory surgery and I heard she was in rough shape. Found out she's been declared medically fragile, and can't go back under anesthetic because there's serious concerns that she might not come out of it again.

So not a great day.

Of course, then my grandmother explained all of the medical issues wth my grandfather. Which essentially puts him on a ticking clock before he expires. He's got severe circulation issues, to the point that if he stays sitting down, then his legswill swell up and start turning black on him. And there is a procedure that can fix that. But his blood pressure is so low (93 over 44 I think) that if they put him under for the procedure, he WILL die from it. SO all they can do is try adn make him comfortable.

This sucks. And I'm tired of it all sucking.
 
Oh my god, Alvis. I'm so sorry to hear that. Its awful *hugs*

I hope things stop sucking soon for you dear.
 
Been awhile since I poste here. Things have developed to be sure.

Unfortunately none of them good.

No change in my grandparents, which I suppose on some level is a victory, but still feels like a delayed defeat.

In other news a long time friend has apparently decided that I'm...well, that I'm not the person I once was and that's a problem. I feel like I'm losing touch/have lost touch, adn I don't know how to fix it, but the loss hurts. I miss her, more so now that I know how much she thinks we've drifted apart. I'm sorry it happened, adn I've tried to fix that, but it apparently didn't land at all. So for that loss, I'm sorry. You know who you are. I miss you. And I'll keep missing you.

Work is annoying. And I don't know how to fix that. And I;m more and more inclined to just want thing to go away. I don't want things to end. I just don't care if they continue.
 
I'm going to drop a few songs in here.

View: https://youtu.be/q8_POuDyK0E



View: https://youtu.be/Oa1PBha7scs



View: https://youtu.be/kn02aNOzgh4



View: https://youtu.be/8J_3BYqQA5c


I'm dropping these here because this is an artist that really did a lot to expand my musical taste, as he was a swing/blues artist in the 90s, and made it work. This was a man that really made it work for me to appreciate such a wide array of music. The fact he's Canadian didn't hurt either.
He also died today
And I'm not dealing well with it. So I'm sharing some of the iconic and representative songs by him, in the hopes that someone else might find some joy in what he made.
 
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