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Evanescent Alvis

Another appointment with the doc today. Got me all checked out. Turns out my leg is still busted! :p

Also started inot physio on Friday.

Physio sucks. Like, a lot. I don't think the actual breaking of hte leg jurt as much as some of the physio. But it's supposed to get my leg back in decent shape. Get me walking again. So I'm doing it. Has to get done.

Back to work full time as well, which is a nice thing. I like to get paid, and I'm getting involved again in the repairs in some ways. Not a lot, still can't really lift shit, but I do what I can. And I'm pushing sales pretty well. Moved five bikes last week, and one today, so with a bit of luck should be able to get the business rolling well.

I'm down to non-prescription meds now. Even skip doses of those sometimes. Pain is manageable in a lot of ways except the physio shit. Still can't really put much weight on the leg.

The worst part about the whole thing is the moment when I can foget about it. When it feels like I'm just lounging around, only to remember when I want to get up for something, that I can't do that without grabbing my crutches and hobbling along. Annoys the piss out of me.

Meh.

Fuck it. Still soldiering on. Thanks you to everyone for your patience.
 
I hate stupid people. SO very much right now. Even more so when they carry their stupid over to driving.

So I'm gettign around town right now ina reflective red scooter. Not too large, but I keep to the well lit streets, adn stay on the sidewalks. SO when I'm scrossing a street with a green walk symbol and some stupid assclown comes winging out and almost wrecks me...I'm not happy. I managed to jam the scooter into reverse to stop faster, and just got tagged a little, but sweet fucking Gods that was close.

Scooter still runs, ran him down with it actually. To his credit he did stop as soon as he could without stopping traffic. If my leg hadn't been broken right now I think I might have tried to kill him. Fortunately for all involved, I did not have the ability to do so.

UUGGHH.
 
Jesus, I'm sorry you're going through all this. People can be so dumb when driving. :(
 
Stupidity when driving never seems to stop being a thing.

Just got the call a half hour ago that two of my aunts were just killed in a car accident by some fuckhead that ran a stop sign.

I just...I don't have words anymore.
 
Little bits of information are coming out about yesterday. We have been assured that it would have been over before they realized what had happened, which is a blessing in some ways. The driver of the Semi is okay, which...well, that's good, he's not the one I have a problem with in this story.

I've been told I have issues dealing with grief, and I don't disagree, it tends to bring out some of my less savoury traits. The stupid bitch that ran the stop sign and started this whole thing that got my aunts killed, she's completely unhurt, adn that...doesn't sit well on me.

I've been told that it's not healthy to dwell on thigns like blind hate or rage, but it's the only thing I really kow of that balances the grief in my system, so here I sit, a bloody minded savage wishing that this one person had just had the decency to die for her clusterfuck of a mistake.

Dunno if that's a healthy outlook, actually that's a lie, I know it isn't, but I'm equally certain I don't care. The news shouldn't release the woman's name since I think I might find unhealthy things to do if I knew who she was.
 
Sighs as slowly sits across from Alvis

First off, sorry. I know it's been a while since we last spoke, and that's partially my fault.

I'm even more regretful to speak with you about an incredibly unfortunate tragedy.

I can definitely see your side of the coin, as it were. It's a similar concept with accidents involving drunk drivers. Who gets hurt or killed? The sober people. It's unfair, and it doesn't make sense.

As far as this scenario goes ... it's just as unjust. Red means stop, and I'm fairly assuming this woman was well over 18 and thus should have known. As you said in the last post, stupidity is - alas - an all too common trait.

I would encourage focusing on your aunt's surviving relatives/family more than the woman who lived. I have no idea if this advice is making a bit of sense, but I hope it'll somehow aid you out. Feel free to PM/Skype me if you wanna vent.

-Athene
 
Hey Athene. Good to hear from you again. You've been missed. The quiet between us is certainly my fault as well. Either of us could have reached out before, and...well, we didn't. Meh. Is what is. We're talking now.

The funeral is likely to be Saturday, and that's the soonest I'll be able to see anyone else from the family. And beleive me, there are people there I know I need to look to. Grandarents, the husbands...my cousin Sarah, who lost her husband only a few years ago to a car crash, and now just lost her mother. And all 5 of Sarah's kids. When I have family in front of me, that's the priority. They'll need me as much as I need them.

It's the quiet times before and after that get to me. And it's an old, old bone deep defence mechanism to counter grief with rage. Can keep me on my feet, but it's got...unpleasant side effects on some interactions, and espeically on my temper with some people.

What you're saying is good advice, I freely admit that, and welcome your offering of it. I can't say 100% I'll follow it, depsite it being perfectly logical and sensible. Too much in my head that is not logical or sensible.

But regardlerss of the circumstances. It's good to hear from you.
 
So 2017 can absolutely just fuck right the hell off now.

Got another call from my folks today. I lost another aunt today. Other side fo the family this time, apparently the Powers that Be are going for some variety. A little easier on some level this time, or at least less rage inducing. She had stomach cancer, we all knew it was coming. But it was a lot sooner. Twist in her bowel apparently. Didn't catch it in time. And we lost her because of it.

I'm not big on white-washing a person because they've died. This particular person was kind of a miserable person, and did a lot over the years to make everyone else around her miserable.

But she was family, and she taught me a lot. Some of it on purpose, some of it not. She was one of two aunts in that group that was adopted into the family. Having that explained to me taught me that adopted family is still family, and that it doesn't have to be a big deal. Nor should it really. Family is family.

I'm just so tired right now. Going to try and get some sleep. Physio in the morning.
 
So the hits just keep on coming for me!

The powers that be, not content with their in 3 record, are angling for a fourth! 3 aunts down, and now an uncle on the way out. He just got out of surgery, and they apparently found cancer. In half his guts, which they cut out, and they know they didn't get it all, since getting it all would have killed him on the table.

So he has weeks of staggering pain before death. Maybe months. But unlikely.

This is my uncle Scott, the uncle that I grew up as a neighbour to. Whose daughter is the closest I ever had to a sister. The one who has done the most for this family, more than he needed to, more than he probably should have. And now we're going to lose him.

THis one...this one is going to be a problem. I really don't know how I'm going to get past this one. There's no person to fixate my raqge onto, it's just vicious, cruel bullshit. I'm...I don't think I'm going to bounce off of this one easily. I got hte news, and pretty much went straight for a beer. And then another one.

I know self medicating with alcohol is a bad idea, but...I just don't think I care. At all.
 
Eh...

...I got nuttin'. "I'm sorry" just seems so lame and ineffectual, and inserting that expansive "so" just adds to the lameness.

But, yeah...don't drown your sorrows in booze. That'll take you down a path of oblivion. :(
 
Got nuthin'... well I can say I get that Sync. It's pretty much where I live these days. It's just sheer blind cackling madness. Emotionally, mentally, I just got nothing. No idea where to go from here.

So I feel ya! It's an impossible situation to really know what to do. Especially with them being two cities away from me, so I can't just rush down and see him, weigh in on helping with the family. I'm stuck.

That bein' said, appreciate ya chiming in. Being outside of it makes it hard to know what to do, and as established above, being in the middle of it doesn't really bring clarity to the situation. SO thanks again for hte chime in.

*hugs Seren*
And I know ya got my ack. You've always got my back. And I appreciate it girl. So very much.
 
Ahhh...depression, my old friend. You've been gone long enough I was starting to really think I might have shaken you off. But no, here you are, and you're just as ugly and fucking vicious as ever.

Gods, I didn't miss this. Day two of grinding into my downspiral. I dunno much about this other than I think this one is going to get fucking ugly. I know a lot of my RPs are slow burns, and I'm caught up, but for my partners that are used to my more recently prompt replies? Might be dissapointing you on that front for a while. I hate that. 'cause I was liking that aspect of my writing.

But I think this one has hit me harder than it has in a long time. So...yeah. Probably going to be spending some time crawling into my head and trying to stop whatever the fuck is leaking in there to try and make this whole thing not suck complete shit.
 
If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open sweetness
 
I was gonna double-check to make sure I hadn't missed your reply...

Under the circumstances, however, I'm going to take my usual position of "get yourself right first". Our story can wait. I'll write it as long as you're happy to do so.

But you need to look after you. As a long-time sufferer of Depression myself, I know it never really goes away. It just hides, and strikes when you stop being mindful of it. Like Bear, my Inbox is there if you want to throw random vents my way.
 
Thanks Bear. And Sync. Means a lot to have people in my corner.

I'm not out of the hole yet. But I've patched a few leaks, and am hunting for the others. Parsed things through with a couple of people. Made some sense out of it all, at least got a bit of a better direction for my thought process anywho.

So on my way out. I hope. I will prevail!
 
Thanks to all of you that have touched base with me, it's been a Godssend to have that as something to lean on. There's just enough going on that it's hard to climb out. I've been trying to lean on writing lately to cope, but I also know that after getting little tidbits of family news that one of my old problems is back.

I am so angry lately that it's not even possible to put words to it. Shoudl be easier, since I won't lie, I saw it fucking coming, but it's still there. I'm back to being very glad I don't know the name of a specific person, because I fear if I did, I might actually go ahead and visit sheer bloody violent murder on their person without any care or regard. I don't have the grief to balance the rage, so I'm focusing on work, which I'm back to as of Monday, and keeping creative. It's the thing to do. If you've been reading this journal for awhile, you can probably find the past event that triggered my rage last time, and yes, it's connected to that in a very big way.

Gods, I just want this shit to end. Can I just have a little bit of time to be happy? Just one thing that doesn't add stress or complications? All I ask. Just one. If I had that, I think I'd be just fine. I'm not going anywhere, but sometimes it feels like I'm clinging on by my fingertips and hoping that whatever I cling to doesn't crumble away.

Ugh. Doom and gloom. Everyone's favourite topic!
 
Speaking from a rather strange angle: if you keep viewing and expecting the worst, you'll either be right (and therefore prepared for it), or you'll be happily surprised to be wrong.

That said, if you're that dark and moody, maybe don't try and use writing to coax yourself out of it, as your writing and creativity may reflect that darkness you're carrying (and may therefore not be so enjoyable, either to yourself or your partner(s)). Go outside, have a walk, just sit in the park and stare at the clouds for a while. Listen to some relaxing music (the Silk Road series from Kitaro is good for just drifting).

Going back to work will certainly help you focus your energies, though.
 
None of the advice pieces you offer are bad ones, I make use out of mot of them at various times. But for me, those work when I'm trying to diffuse formless anger. When it's a faceless, nameless thing pissing me off. I can use those things to refocus myself on the fact they are just nameless and faceless.

This is different.

This is an anger, a rage that is focus, honed, it has a target. I don't know the name of the target, as evidenced that I'm here and not in jail. This is a person that I mean no exaggeration when I say I want to eat their fucking heart.

So writing...lets me live in a different brain for awhile. Take a different tack. It's...a few moments of peace, even if the work is violent or terrible. It's not a permanent, and likely not even good solution. But it's what I've got right now. And that's going to have to be enough.

So...yeah. You're not wrong. You really aren't. But also maybe not right either? It's a mess, but that's fitting for the workings of my brain.
 
Good day at work. Spring shipment. 18 crated bikes to unload and three quarters of a ton (actual mass) of batteries. Had to unload it all, since they didn't put it on pallets, except the batteries, thank the fucking Gods for that miracle.

So I hurt. But I also did good business, impressing my boss to no end. He's happy when I close out a day during shit season with 6000 of sales. So am I really.

Still angry. Might just wind up being Bruce Banner. Always angry. But I'm honing it down to a cold anger I can use. That's still got drawbacks, but I'll take them these days.

Just wanted to add something to this journal not made of awful.
 
You are too wonderful to be angry all the time. We love you, Al.
 
Thanks to all that have been leaving comments here. It means a lot to a depressive jackass that people think well of him, or are at least inersted r invested in the mental space I happen to occupy.

First week at work down.

Did well. Ten grand in sales brought in. I think my boss is glad to have me back in play again as well.

There's a lot of moments on the job that I feel...content with. Almost at peace. I've got a lot of leeway with my powers, and can do a lot. And I use that to my advantage. And I always keep an eye on the prize of turning a profit. And I do it well.

My boss has also reintroduced the friday tradition of Beers with the Fellas. Which means he fronted us for a case o beer, and had a few with us. Was a good way to end the week. And I look forward to continuing the tradition.

So...had a good day. Thanks all for tuning in.
 
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