Stream of consciousness and perhaps even some insight...

Chapter 11


Toombs casually meandered the corridors of the basilica, every once in a while checking the remote he carried that linked him to the nav controls of the ship. He was feeling restless and had been for days. Time was moving so slowly and he was getting anxious about reaching the galaxy center and hopefully Valhalla. His gut told him that a lot of shit was going to go down once they reached the portal planet. Lots of blood, lots of death. So long as his ass came out alive, he’d be happy, but he couldn’t count on that with the Necro army suspecting him, Logan and Riddick at every turn.

He was still pissed off about Aereon too. He wanted to wring the Elemental’s neck, but it was useless. You couldn’t just grab onto an Elemental like Aereon so easily. The damned Air Elementals were tricky that way. It annoyed him and made him wish he was more knowledgeable about their kind. Perhaps he needed Riddick to find out how the Necros got those shackles on her before he became their leader. No. That would make them even more suspicious than they already were. Though the idea was an amusing one.

The merc was also beginning to wonder what would happen to him and his partner after all was said and done. Life as he knew it wouldn’t be quite the same. He sort of felt indebted to the convict, which only agitated him and he felt a closeness to Logan that he’d never felt with another merc partner ever. He found that he actually cared about her wellbeing now, almost like the sister he never had. That was why he was starting to feel bad for her every time he noticed her pining over the silver-eyed bastard. Riddick was a good ally, at least for now, but he knew nothing good could come out of a relationship between the two of them. Not the way he saw it anyway. It was too bad, really.

Toombs listened in on the conversations of any Necromongers he managed to see wandering around. None of them had anything interesting to say. They only seemed happy about the fact that they’d more likely than not reach Valhalla before their due time.

“Fuckin’ Christ,” the merc muttered. “Damn immortal wannabes. That’s what these Necro fuckers are.”

He mused at the thought of Riddick destroying the gate once they all passed through. What a sight that would be, assuming it worked, that they all passed through without any suspicious thoughts whatsoever. His gut told him that something bad and unexpected would happen at the last moment. Shit like that always happened. He wondered if Aereon would be the cause of the problems he knew would come or if it would be some Necro asshole. No matter, he’d be prepared. It would give him something to do and think about.

*+*+*

It had been days since Riddick had seen Logan. Their last encounter was when they sparred and he ended up making her cry.

He’d tried many times to see her, but something always interrupted him. It pissed him off to no end, but there really wasn’t much he could do about it. He only hoped that the merc beauty would accept him when he came to her.

Riddick sat on the throne in the Necropolis, his head down when he suddenly heard footsteps approaching. He looked up and saw Toombs standing there in front of him. The merc stroked the scar along his right eye and smirked.

“So Toombs, how’s it going?”

"Fuckin’ great! And you?” The sarcasm in his voice was more than obvious.

Riddick chuckled. “About the same as you. So?”

“So…” The merc’s voice trailed off letting Riddick know that the man wanted to speak with him privately.

The Furyan stood up and the two walked out of the Necropolis.

*+*+*

Logan just sat in her room by herself. She’d been hiding away in her room for days now as a means of staying away from Riddick. After what happened during their sparring match, she couldn’t face him again. She couldn’t bear reliving the rejection again. Toombs dropped on by every so often to let her know how close they were getting to the mysterious portal planet or about anything new he found out from the Necros, which wasn’t all that much as of late. He also told her that Aereon was beginning to wonder why she wasn’t patrolling as per usual, but he gave her some excuse about how everything going on with Vaako made her a bit uneasy and under the weather. Whether or not the Elemental bought it, he couldn’t say and in reality Logan could care less whether she did or not.

The fact of the matter was that Logan didn’t really care what anyone thought of her any longer. She just wanted off the ship and away from Riddick. If he didn’t want her, then she didn’t want him either. She knew she was kidding herself thinking such things, but it gave her a small amount of satisfaction thinking it anyway.

“Dammit!” Logan pounded her fists against her mattress. She was annoyed at herself. Annoyed that she couldn’t even come close to believing the lies she told herself to help keep her sane and from breaking down again and again.

No matter what she told herself, she did care what one person thought of her. One Furyan. She heaved a sigh and placed her head in her hands.

*+*+*

“What is it, Toombs?” Riddick asked.

Toombs didn’t answer right away, he wasn’t quite sure he even wanted to speak to the Furyan.

“I know what you’re thinking, merc.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And you can stop thinking about it.”

“You really are an asshole.”

Riddick stopped in his tracks, his silver eyes filled with menace. “And here I thought I was doing her a favor.”

Toombs let out a sarcastic chuckle. “A favor? You’ve totally fucked with her head! She’s totally lost her edge, it’s like she can’t even function anymore.”

Riddick looked away from the man. “Not my problem.”

“Not your problem? You really are the dick I thought you were and here I was, against my better judgment I might add, about to give you the benefit of the doubt. Guess that makes me an idiot.” He paused. “Guess it also means I should trust my gut more too.”

“Since when did you ever get personal with anyone, Toombs?” There was slight amusement in the Furyan’s voice. “It’s not like you to care about your crew, especially when one of the members is a woman.”

Toombs let out a heavy sigh. “Since I got stuck on this god forsaken ship and had no choice, you fuck!” His voice was getting louder.

“Fuck you! You’d probably be dead on Helion Prime if I didn’t escort your ass outta there!” Riddick’s own frustration was starting to show, something he rarely did and Toombs knew it. Maybe he’d actually hit a nerve. For Logan’s sake, he hoped so.

Riddick rubbed his eyes and turned to glare down at the merc. His expression was that of confusion, something that caused Toombs’ eyebrow to arch in question. “Would you just go to her, you bastard? We’re a day out from our destination. Who the hell knows what’s gonna happen after that.”

At that Riddick spun around and walked away from the man. Toombs could only hope that he helped Logan’s situation… and not made it worse.

*+*+*

Riddick stood outside Logan’s door for several minutes before he finally pounded his fist against it.

“Come in,” Logan’s voice replied from the other side of the door. More than likely, he imagined, she probably thought it was Toombs stopping by and not him.

He opened the door and stepped inside her darkened room. Immediately, the woman sat up, her body going rigid.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked.

Riddick couldn’t even speak. She took his breath away.

“Just get out! Get out of here!” Logan’s voice was forceful, but the hurt was definitely showing. It tore at Riddick’s soul. He could no longer bear to torture the woman, or himself.

He walked over to her and grabbed her arm, pulling her up off the bed. Logan’s eyes suddenly showed fear, but Riddick ignored it completely. He wrapped his one arm around her waist, pulling her close, and then thrust his hand in her hair, tangling the silky strands around his fingers. He buried his face against her neck and breathed in deeply. Logan was trembling now. He knew she was confused and she had every right to be. He’d been more than horrible to her and it was time he set everything straight.

At that, Riddick pulled at the merc beauty’s hair causing her head to go back a bit and for her to have no choice but to look up into his hungry eyes.

“Do I frighten you, Eve?” His voice was a mere whisper, thick and husky.

Her eyes were wet and shining. “No.”

“I should,” he replied while letting out a low, possessive sounding growl.

He fastened his mouth to hers, kissing the woman with the ferocity of a predator satiating its thirst. He forced his tongue into her mouth, taking care to explore every wonderful inch of it. Immediately, the woman went limp in his arms, which only made him hold onto her tighter and with more determination.

Riddick couldn’t help but smile when he heard little gasps and whimpers escape the merc beauty’s lips. He felt triumphant. He then nipped at her chin and jaw line as he made his way to her neck. His hands gripped her body tight, causing her body to literally melt into his.

“You like that, princess?” Riddick asked.

Logan couldn’t even speak, which only made Riddick growl even more with triumph. He pushed her down onto the bed, never breaking contact with her body. It felt too good against his to even let the smallest amount of space come between them.

“Are you fuckin’ with me?” Logan finally asked, finding her voice. Her voice was breathy and barely audible.

“Only if you want me to, princess.” Riddick propped himself up so that he could look down into her eyes. He stared at her with an intensity that he could tell was almost making her uncomfortable.

“This isn’t a game, you know.”

“I’m more than aware of that, Eve. Have been for a long time.”

*+*+*

Logan could feel her eyes welling up with tears again. How was it that he alone could do this to her? Make her appear so weak and helpless?

“I find that hard to believe. And I don’t want your pity.”

“Is that what you think? I pity you?”

Logan tried her best to turn her head away from the man. But he only took a firm hold of her chin and forced her to look at him anyway. She knew he could easily see the tears streaming down her cheeks. And it mortified her.

Riddick’s face softened as he reached up and caressed her cheek with his thumb. He placed his wet finger into his mouth so that he could taste the saltiness of her tears. “I don’t pity you, Eve. I could never pity you. You’re too strong for that, too much of a fighter.”

“Yeah.” She was far from convinced. Ever since she and Toombs hooked up with him on Helion Prime everything she knew in life went to hell as far as she was concerned

“Eve, you know I’m not the kind of man to blow sunshine up your ass. And I never will be.” He paused for a moment. “You deserve better.”

“Don’t tell me what I deserve, Riddick. I know what I want.”

“And I know what I want. Like you, I’m sick of the bullshit”

At that, he leaned down and pressed his lips against hers once again. She could feel his hips grinding into her own. Without conscious thought, her hips moved in response to his body movements against hers.

“What about, Kyra?” Logan couldn’t help herself. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. She could only hope that she didn’t push him away by bringing up the one person she knew he loved.

*+*+*

Riddick again propped himself up so that he could look down into the merc beauty’s eyes. “What about her? What does she have to do with this?”

Logan’s eyes showed confusion. “But I… I thought you loved her?”

The Furyan smirked. “I do, princess.” He then let out a small chuckle. “But not the way you think.” He shook his head in disbelief.

Logan bit her lip as her face flushed a deep shade of red, her eyes pleading for an explanation.

“Kyra is like a sister to me. I feel responsible for her, for making sure she’s safe.” He paused. “That’s why I want to get her ass to Valhalla. I need to make things right for her if it’s at all possible. I’ve failed her enough, she needs to know that I was trying to protect her ass by doing what I did these past few years.”

“I… I…”

“Shhh. I’ve cared for very few people in this vast shit hole of a galaxy, princess. And I’ve managed to wrong them all in some way.” He looked away from her briefly. “Guess that’s why I am the way I am.” He turned his head and locked his eyes onto hers once again. “I have a chance to right my wrongs with Kyra.” A heavy sigh escaped his lips just then. “My only fear now is that I wrong you. That is something I just can’t have. Best you remember that.”

Logan’s lower lip began to tremble. “A sister?”

Riddick nodded.

The merc girl suddenly started to laugh causing Riddick to grunt in frustration, yet there was still a hint of a smile crossing his lips. “You are one complicated woman, Eve Logan.”

“You have no idea.” She laced her fingers around his thick neck and pulled him close. Her kiss was fierce and Riddick loved every moment of it. This was the Eve Logan he’d grown to love, the Eve Logan he wanted to know.

She raked her fingers across his back as her hips bucked to make contact with his. Her breathing became ragged with pleasure as she exerted herself.

Low predatory growls rumbled deep in Riddick’s throat. “You keep touching me like that and I’m gonna have to eat you alive.”

Logan smiled, “I’m not that easily frightened, Riddick.”

He laughed, “Like I said, you should be.”

His hands moved down to her sides so that he could take in the feel of her ribcage and then her waist. He slid his rough hands up underneath her shirt so that he could feel her skin, every inch of it. It was sheer perfection. It was woman, Eve Logan. His Eve Logan.

He cupped her breasts in his hands, gently massaging them. She let out a gasp, which only urged Riddick on. He could feel her nipples tighten with each caress until he couldn’t take it any longer and had to remove her shirt all together. At that, he ripped the article of clothing off her body and carelessly threw it onto the ground. His mouth sought out her delicious peaks and he suckled and nipped at them contentedly.

“Oh my god,” Logan whimpered.

Riddick grabbed her bottom, grinding himself hard against her very core as he continued ministering to her perfect breasts.

“Riddick, please,” she begged. She was on fire and Riddick liked seeing her this way. But he wasn’t going to give her all that she wanted. Not yet. It was too soon.

“Patience, princess.”

He continued grinding against her until she let out a scream of ecstasy. He smiled knowing that it was he who pushed her over the edge into the world of erotic pleasure. It was then that he knew he didn’t want anyone else making his Eve feel this way, look this way, act this way. This was something he wanted for himself alone and he didn’t care if it made him seem selfish.

Logan looked up into Riddick’s eyes as he backed away with a smug smile creeping across his face.

“Oh my god,” she said as she sat up. Her bare breasts looked enticing all covered in their sweat.

Riddick suddenly remembered what she looked like naked, when he accidentally saw her changing after her shower that one day. He wanted to know what her naked body would look like all covered in sweat, their sweat, after a round of raw and ferocious love making.

“We’re not done yet, princess.”

Logan cocked her head and arched an eyebrow as she smiled coyly. At that, Riddick pounced on her like a predator after its prey.
 
Ok...now, for those of you following along in my fanfic adventure, I very sincerely thank you and truly hope you have enjoyed it. It's something I wrote about 15 years ago, so my writing has improved since then. However, for what it was and when I wrote it, it's definitely one of the best fanfics I'd written and can say I'm glad I wrote.....though, I never actually finished it and.....chapter 11 is where I left off..... >.< Although, I always knew the ending AND had the ending written up, so I'll share that, along with a tease of a one-shot that I wrote taking place after the events of when this particular story was to have taken place tomorrow. As a heads up (if anyone cares), I'd originally envisioned this fanfic to have a sequel "Voyage to Furya". Anyway, I'll shut up now....here's the 'ending' to "Voyage to Underverse":

Chapter X - ENDING


Logan slowly opened her eyes, but the light was painful and made her head throb. She had no idea as to where she was; just that she seemed to be lying down in some sort of bed. She moved slightly and let out a groan as she did so.

“She’s wakin’ up. Told ya she was strong. I’ve never seen a person bounce back like Logan.” It was Toombs’ voice.

Logan felt something warm touch her forehead. A hand.

“You’ll be fine, Eve.”

The merc girl’s heart raced when she realized it was Riddick who was speaking to her. She moved again, despite the pain, and attempted to talk. “Sure I will.” Her voice was a bit slurred due to the medicines pumping into her body. “Where am I?”

“Back on the basilica,” Riddick answered. “We actually managed to hang onto this Necro piece of junk.” The Furyan was obviously being sarcastic with his last comment and trying to give the woman a sense of ease and comfort.

“Hmph, junk my ass!” Toombs interjected. “It’ll give us an edge over them damned Elementals.”

Logan tried to sit up at the mention of ‘Elemental’, but the pain that surged through her as she tried to do so caused her to fall back down onto the bed.

“Don’t worry, Eve. Aereon won’t succeed. We’re heading to Furya now. We’ll find what we need there so long as that prophecy is true.” Riddick paused. “Best you rest now, princess. If you want outta here you’ll need to let the medicines do their work.”

Logan nodded and closed her eyes. It wasn’t long after that she drifted off to sleep, but before she did she was certain that she felt something warm gently brush her cheek.

*+*+*

Logan walked through the corridors of the basilica feeling almost like her old self again. It was strange walking through the Necro ship without any Necromongers present. The ship was enormous and the fact that only she and two others were on it was somewhat overwhelming and strange.

The merc girl continued on through the ship, heading toward what used to be known as the Necropolis. Once there, she saw Riddick sitting all alone on the throne.

Riddick looked up as soon as Logan entered the room. He knew she was coming as he could smell her well before he could see her. That scent, and he knew it well, reached him and he knew she’d be there in a matter of minutes. As soon as he saw the woman he stood up.

“You’re better I see.”

Logan looked down at her feet. “Yeah, like Toombs said, I’m strong.”

Riddick walked over to the merc girl and breathed in her scent. “Strong. A survivor. I like that in a woman.”

Logan could feel the man’s silver-shined eyes staring down at her, but she couldn’t bring herself to return his gaze. All she could think of was what happened at Underverse. Of the sacrifice that both he and Kyra made in order to ensure that the Necromongers would no longer be a threat to the universe.

Riddick knew what Logan was thinking, but she couldn’t be more wrong. He wanted and needed for her to know that.

“Look at me, Eve.”

The woman just shook her head. Those dreadful tears she hated so much were welling up in her eyes. She didn’t want the man seeing them. That one time had been enough and she was still embarrassed about the incident.

Riddick gently took hold of her chin and forced her to look up into his eyes. He could see the wetness of her tears as they slowly spilled over and down her cheeks and brushed them away with his thumb. “You are one complicated woman, Eve Logan.”

The merc girl smiled weakly. “I guess.”

“I like that.” The man’s eyes showed a hunger that Logan had never seen in them before.

“Don’t look at me like that.” Her stomach suddenly felt queasy with nervousness.

Riddick was silent for a moment. “Like what?”

“Like that. Don’t play with me.”

“Who said I’m playing anything. You know me better than that.”

“Sometimes I wonder if I know you at all, Riddick.”

The Furyan suddenly grabbed the girl by the waist, pulling her close. A low growl escaped his lips. “I think you do, princess. I think you know me better than you want to admit. And you always have.”

At that, he brought one of his hands up towards Logan’s cheek, gently cupping her face. The woman gasped.

Suddenly, Riddick drew Logan even closer. She could feel his muscles tensing, almost trembling, around her. Instantly, she shivered and her breathing went ragged. She couldn’t believe that what she’d always thought could never be was actually happening.

His lips gently touched her own. The kiss was soft and tender, as if he was trying to make the moment last as long as possible. Logan let out a sigh and gave him full access to her mouth. She had dreamed of this moment for far too long. Riddick obliged and explored every inch making the merc girl’s knees go weak. The Furyan caught her before she fell over.

“I can’t have you back in sickbay so soon, princess.”

Logan blushed and then smiled. “And why’s that?”

“You belong at my side. Best you remember that.” Again, he drew her close and kissed her.

*+*+*

Riddick and Logan entered the piloting room. Toombs was sitting in the pilot’s seat busily pushing buttons.

“So, how’re we lookin’?” Riddick asked.

Toombs glanced up at the Furyan and merc girl. “Well, so far so fuckin’ good.” He laughed. “The course continues to look clear from what I’ve been able to tell. So, I say we go into cryo and haul ass to Furya.”

Riddick nodded.

“How long ‘til we reach Furya?” Logan asked.

“Pro’lly a week, maybe two,” Toombs said.

“Well then, looks like it’s time to say good night,” Riddick spoke.

At that, the three double-checked that the coordinates for Furya were locked onto the ship’s autopilot navigational system. Once they were satisfied, they hooked themselves up to the cryosleep IVs. Within minutes, they were out.

They say that most of your brain shuts down in cryosleep. All but the primitive side. The animal side. No wonder I’m still awake.

I can smell two mercs. One man. One woman. And that woman. I’d know that scent anywhere.

Suddenly, Logan moved a little bit in her sleep. The woman ground her teeth. At that, a small smile crept over Riddick’s lips.
 
And here is the promised one-shot taking place after the events of "Voyage to Underverse" (and before my originally envisioned sequel "Voyage to Furya")........ "Perfect Match":

Perfect Match


She was pinned against the wall, her stomach flat against the cold hard stone. Logan frantically looked around trying to find something, anything that could help her gain an advantage over the man trying to take her down. This wasn’t the first time she’d been in this position and more than likely it wouldn’t be her last. It couldn’t be her last.

The merc girl could feel the man’s hot breath caress her ear and almost instantly it sent an electric jolt coursing throughout her entire body. She could hear him breathing deeply, taking in her scent and relishing every moment while doing so.

“You think I’ll go down that easy, Riddick?” she said, her breath ragged.

“Hard to say just yet.” Riddick paused. “I’ll let you know once I beat you.”

At that, Logan found the adrenaline surge she’d been looking for. She forced the silver-eyed man off her back for a split second, and that was all she needed. Immediately, she turned herself around and found herself eye to eye with the Furyan.

“You’re much better than last time. Nice to know that you’ve improved with time.”

Logan sneered.

“Sexy,” Riddick muttered under his breath, just loud enough for Logan to hear him.

“Sweet talkin’ won’t get you anywhere.”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

Logan, shiv in hand, lunged at the Furyan, but he was quick and easily caught her wrist.

“The problem is, Eve, that you get distracted too easily. Haven’t you learned that you can’t let your opponent get the advantage with fuckin’ talk? That’s all it is. Talk. Shut it out.”

The merc girl bit her lip and noticed that the man loosened his grip on her wrist. She seized the opportunity and wrenched it free and then moved back a bit, keeping a small distance between herself and the Furyan.

“Now that’s the Eve I know.” Riddick smiled.

Logan heaved an exasperated sigh. She was more than annoyed. “You’re going down, asshole.”

Riddick laughed. “Resorting to threats now? I like that. It’s an interesting approach though.” He paused and a thoughtful expression crossed his face. “Have you been talking with Toombs?”

The merc girl instantly sheathed her shiv and jumped up into the air. As she approached Riddick, she extended her leg, ready to kick, and her foot made perfect contact with his stomach. The Furyan grunted as he fell backwards. Logan, meanwhile, landed solidly on her feet, crouched and ready for the fight.

Riddick rolled over and got up. Just as he was about to counter attack the woman, she threw an unexpected punch. Almost immediately Riddick tasted his own blood.

“Now that’s more like it. I love your style, Eve. It suits you.”

The Furyan wasn’t about to be taken off guard again by this merc. He knew he was better than her. Then, he’d spent a majority of his life running from the likes of people like her. He knew the way they thought and what they were capable of. There was also the fact that he’d spent a lot of time in various slams across the galaxy. He knew the ins and outs of even the most heavily guarded triple max slams. He’d been able to perfect his skills – he had to. But, despite everything, he was glad to see the woman trying so hard. The determination she exhibited gave him a small sense of comfort that he couldn’t even begin to explain.

Riddick eyed Logan and for a moment he thought he was looking at Kyra. He blinked hard and Kyra was instantly gone.

Suddenly, Riddick and Logan moved towards each other. Each was holding fast to their shiv. Once they collided, they exchanged punches that the other was able to block and after several minutes, they came to a sudden stand still. Riddick had managed to get his shiv blade against Logan’s neck, ready to cut for the kill.

Logan stood there panting. Her face showed anger, but there was an underlying look of dejection for having been beaten. Riddick just dropped his hand away from her throat and grasped her waist, pulling her close. He breathed in her scent. “Beautiful,” he whispered in her ear.

The merc girl just closed her eyes, trying to forget about how Riddick had beaten her again during yet another one of their many sparring matches. It was hard for her to stay angry at the Furyan though. She knew she’d gained his respect as a fighter, even if he was leagues ahead of her in that regard, and she knew that he loved her with every ounce of his soul. Things between them had been intense and on fire ever since that fateful voyage to Underverse. Now they were heading to Furya, as to what lay ahead? She couldn’t even begin to speculate. All she did know, however, was that she’d be by Riddick’s side until she died.

Riddick growled and reached up to touch Logan’s face and then her hair. He held her tightly against his warm body and leaned down to kiss her on the mouth. His kiss was hungry, full of want and desire. The merc girl liked that and just let the man take his fill and swallow her whole. She trusted the Furyan with every fiber of her being and knew that she had his trust in return. That alone was enough to make her head spin as Riddick did not trust easily.

The Furyan’s hands wandered all over Logan’s body, taking in the feel and sensation of each and every one of her curves. She let out a tiny gasp when he suddenly touched a sensitive spot on her neck. Riddick could only smile at her reactions to his touch. He liked the fact that only he had permission to do so. Besides, if anyone else laid a finger on her, they’d be ghosted before they blinked twice.

Riddick leaned his forehead against Logan’s and she was still wrapped tightly in his arms. The man locked eyes with merc girl, his gaze intense and full of passion.

The Furyan was about to speak, but suddenly found himself interrupted.

“Not again. You two really need to get a room,” Toombs spoke and then chuckled. “Hey, what d’ya know? You two do have a room. Why don’t you go use it?” The merc’s words were filled with both amusement and sarcasm.

Logan blushed.

“Jealous, Toombs?” Riddick asked while smiling.

“Fuck no! Not that I’d mind the company of a female, if you know what I mean.”

“I get you,” Riddick said. He then looked over at Logan. “I think Toombs is right though. We should really go back to our room.”
 
I have long had a difficult time understanding people...why they do the things they do, etc. However, I rarely fail to notice their patterns of behavior (even small details that most do not notice because they are too busy wrapped up in other things to really pick up on such things and therefore tend to discount them or consider them something mundane or even trivial) even if I do not understand the why of their motivations. That isn't to say I cannot piece together the puzzle that might lead to an outcome of said motivations. It just means I have no comprehension of why people feel compelled to do certain things when logic tells me it's just a complete and utter waste of time, energy, resources...I could go on and on here.

Moving forward. This brings me to relationships and the interesting dynamics between people. You could say taking what I said previously to that next level. It's always been a bizarre thing to me how people interact with one another and over things that quite literally have no meaning. To be honest, I find very little has meaning because the only things that do are those things in which I place it. Some things remain consistent and hold meaning for forever. Some things never have it in the first place. And some things initially are given meaning...and then lose it. Why does this third thing happen? It can be for a number of reasons. One of the biggest is that my trust has been severed; another is my respect. If those two things are gone, meaning of any sort will almost always be pretty much be guaranteed to be diminished in its entirety on my end. It's funny how these two things are fairly easy to keep in check in the way of relationships whether they be friendships or something else. But they can also be utterly and completely shattered as well. I've had my share of this over my life time with various people and each time it's ended the same. I've called them out, tried to extend a hand, but in the end...they didn't give a shit and their true colors were what remained. It was a dark and cruel thing to realize, especially the first time. But it got easier to accept each time thereafter. Still, it hurt each of those times despite the fact that there was ammunition and defenses at the ready. But, I suppose knowing you have to sever meaning where it once had been given is never an easy thing for anyone.

There are a few who are dear to me, some more than others as that cannot be helped, and it pains me greatly to see them suffer at the actions of others. Hurts more because these actions not only affect them, but myself. Not sure if those deciding to act so recklessly and without thought are aware of how they are coming off and how they are seriously injuring me and those I deeply care about. It's rather heartbreaking. I mean, imagine spending a lot of time on a project and putting your heart and soul into it...giving up time on other things just so that this project could flourish and then being fortunate enough to have one or two people who gave up that time with you. And I'm talking countless hours of time and time where you became mentally drained because of the time spent and the type of work you had to do. And then, for some reason, someone decides to tell you that your project is shit and just throws it out, as opposed to building on it, trying to twist and contort your project into something you know you would never have envisioned ever since it just turns your project into the clone of other projects you already know are out there and, admittedly, you rather hate. It's as if all the time you'd spent on your project is made to feel pointless and silly and as if it didn't matter when it mattered greatly to you and those helping on the project for so very long. Then, to add even more...you have some who'd been working on said project decide...hey, you know, I think I might be able to tie up some loose ends and help re-establish the vision that's becoming lost...but...it's all for naught. Instead, those people are squashed and bullied, their souls sucked away until they have nothing more left to give.

Honestly, I have no words for this. I am not an advocate for this sort of treatment towards people who give and give and try so very hard without so much as any kind of anything. It's disgusting on so many levels and just breaks my heart to witness, know, what have you. I quite literally cannot stand it. People are worth more than this and never ever should be treated this way. Not when they try and give, as some can. I have to say it makes me glad to know that there are those people out there that actually can give like that, as there are so many who don't....or won't.

Anyway, I just felt the need to vent as these thoughts run through my mind. They truly needed to be written (or typed? ha!) down somewhere. That said, I'll end my words with a song that metaphorically sums up my thoughts probably better than the ones I just typed:

 
Yes. This is a process for me. Transitioning always is. As I move through the next steps of this transitioning process, I find myself reading this:

How Embracing Insignificance Can Improve Your Life
by The Happy Philosopher

A problem with the human mind is its difficulty realizing how insignificant it is on a cosmic scale......
Much of our suffering comes from our attachment to outcomes we deem good or bad. Outcomes that matter. We worry about who we will marry, how much money we make, how successful our career will be, if our friends will like us and approve of our activities. We worry if the next elected official will have our political views, if our possessions will be safe from theft or natural disaster, whether our kids will have the same ‘success’ we do. At higher socioeconomic levels we fret about completing items on our bucket list, going to enough amazing places, doing the right culturally enriching activities to increase our understanding of the world. We fear the future and at the same time worry about missing out on all the opportunities we have in this world. We worry what our legacy will be.

None of it matters.

We are primitive humanoids on a small planet orbiting a tiny star in a pedestrian solar system on the edge of a vast galaxy that we have no hopes of even understanding a minuscule fraction of. This galaxy is 100,000 light years across and contains around 300 billion stars. The closest one, Alpha Centuri is about 4.4 light years away, and would take about 100,000 years to reach using conventional rocket technology. Humans have been around for 200,000 years by comparison. There are probably around 100 billion planets in our galaxy alone. The Milky Way is a perfectly ordinary galaxy in universe that probably contains at least 100 billion other galaxies. The known observable universe is around 92 billion light years across. By comparison the universe is 13.7 billion years old. The known observable universe will likely greatly expand once our technology allows us to see. It is also unknown if this is the only universe or if we are a part of a multiverse which for all we know may be infinite. There may be billions of other lifeforms on billions of other planets struggling with these same issues – or we may be alone.

The above paragraph is just a bunch of words, numbers and concepts. The human mind is simply not capable of understanding the scale of our insignificance. You cannot do it, I cannot do it. It is magical thinking and delusion to believe that we can. Our minds think linearly, and the only way to even come close to conceptualizing the scale of our universe is to use multiple exponential scales. We are not designed to process information like this. Most of us don’t even understand compound interest.

To make matters worse it is likely that much of what we know is simply wrong and distorted by the limited computational power of our brains, the tiny bandwidth of our senses and primitive nature of our available tools. We can only sense a minuscule fraction of the available wavelengths of light and energy to ‘see’. We can only detect and process a tiny sliver of pulsating waves we call ‘sound’. We then filter this smattering of information through our brain which is further distorted by our beliefs, personality and the usual cognitive biases. We then write or speak about these things which are filtered through yet another brain with the same limitations of our own.

Ponder this every time you think you know the ‘truth’ about something.

Think of what truth was to a person living 2000 years ago.

Think of what truth will be to a person living 2000 years from now.

Every step of the way we think we are enlightened. We look back and laugh at the ignorance of a few generations ago, failing to realize that we will be that generation one day.

We know nothing.

Religion and philosophy have grappled with these horrible and wonderful realities since we developed brains complex enough to be aware of them. New philosophies and religions will be born and die as a natural cycle as we struggle to wrap our minds around these questions.

Creative destruction at its finest.

Until then, realize nothing you do in this life is permanent, lasting or meaningful in the grand scheme of the universe.

I know this sounds sad.

This can lead us to despair and nihilism if we are not careful; however, there is a path of absolute liberation and freedom.

It is true that nothing you do matters to the universe, but without your consciousness the universe doesn’t exist. This wonderfully strange and awesome place is only present for the cosmic blink of an eye. It only exists temporarily in your consciousness. Then it’s gone. Time relentlessly marches forward and all we can really do is experience it.

Once your ego can let go and realize none of this maters, in fact the ego itself does not matter, then you will be free from worry and suffering. You can simply be. You can awaken to the fact that life is so infinitesimally short and should be spent just trying to be content. Think of this next time you are cut off in traffic or you are forced to suffer the indignity of waiting in line at the grocery store for 10 minutes. Think of this when you face more serious and painful realities.

Your other conclusion should be that since everyone else’s life is so painfully short and no less precious than yours, you should allow them to achieve freedom and joy in their universe.

This realization is where true empathy is born.

This is when we understand the desperate importance of kindness.

This life is way too brief to be wasted being angry at someone or attached to some outcome of belief. Stop trying to convince everyone that you are right about your religion or politics, because you are probably wrong.

Let go and simply let be.

Paradoxically, once you understand the truth of your insignificance, everything in life can become more meaningful.

Once you realize you don’t matter, everything matters.

(Link to full text - HERE.)

Some music to perhaps set the mood (some might be familiar, if you ever read the things I post):









...and each and every one has meaning. But then each and every post I've made since re-opening this thing has. Just are you able to notice it? Or do you merely gloss over or are you too wrapped up to pay attention....?
 
Deeper and deeper I go through my transition.....and I expect very few will understand this process. Or the "meaning" behind anything I say...at all. But in a way, I suppose that's the way of it. It's personal and the meaning is only anything to those who care and, well, seeing as I'm the one verbalizing (being a visual creature and all).....there it is. LOL!



 
<3 you, Hahvy. *snuggles with* It's so nice seeing you around again.

*+*+*+*

And though I leave much love for my friend above...sometimes some people need to understand this:



And that they should sincerely check themselves because they might actually realize that they are not coming off how they think they are AND that how they come off is actually obnoxious as fuck to a hell of a lot more people than they might think if they bothered to stop looking down their nose, coddling that ego, and just taking that step back to watch the patterns of those around them. *chuckles* People are fascinating. *shakes head*
 
Back
Top Bottom