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A Questionable Excuse

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Such affection did was not something that he was completely accustomed to. So when Connor began placing those kisses to his back for that prolonged period of time, Julian's body couldn't help but react. And something in his spirit reacted to. Damn. Did Connor know what this was doing to him? It was practically torture. All Julian expected now was that fucking that usually followed any attempted affection from Dylan. But Connor wasn't doing that either...

This was something that Julian had a hard time reading. "Aah..." He let out a soft little noise, swallowing at that last kiss. He leaned back when Connor pulled away a little. "I..." He bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes. "Do you really think that....?"
 
“Of course,” Connor said quietly, almost whispering. He gave Julian a small smile and shook his head. “Do you really think I’d lie to you?” he looked down to realize that his hand had slipped and his arm was now elbow-deep in water. Despite himself, he laughed. He’d been wearing long sleeves, which were now halfway soaked.

“Well damn,” he said rather loudly, not sounding angry or annoyed at all. Instead he simply pulled of his shirt and threw it into a corner. He looked back to Julian, blinking slowly as if he had to give his eyes time to adjust to something too bright. “I actually think you may just be one of the most beautiful people I know.” He blushed and looked into the water. “Honestly.”
 
Julian blinked when he realized that Connor's arm had slipped into the water. He seemed distracted. Really, Julian was too. He licked his bottom lip and turned a little to face the other boy. When Connor pulled off his t-shirt his eyes widened a little. He had not exactly been expecting that. "I-" But he had that same look in his eyes too. The 'too-bright' look. And it was Connor that had done it to him.

When Connor drew near again Julian's fingers went to the other's chest. He kept them there before looking back down to the water again, lowering his arm into it. "You're sweet..." He murmured with a little smile. So he didn't exactly believe it. But he tried to take the compliment the best he could without seeming like he didn't appreciate it.
 
Connor bit his bottom lip and cocked his head to the side, as if in deep thought. If he had been thinking, his thought only lasted a moment though. Without even removing his long pajama bottoms, he climbed into the bathtub and wrapped his arms around Julian’s small chest. He was just as gentle this time around and made sure to kiss the side of the other’s face that wasn’t still raw with injuries.

“I don’t understand you,” he said, not so quietly. “How can you not believe me when I tell you that you’re beautiful?” He wasn’t joking around. And he wasn’t so soft and sweet anymore. He was actually serious. There was a non-rhetorical question in his voice and instead of moving on to another topic, he actually waited for an answer.
 
Julian's eyes widened when Connor pulled himself into the tub. The boy shifted to make room, although he didn't take up much himself. He was a little awkward looking in the water, with those thin limbs. "I-" But the kiss to his cheek quickly silenced him. It was such a sweet and unwanting kiss. It was something that showed Connor could live without more than that. At least for the moment. Julian let out a little sigh, settling in between the other's arms. It was nice to be like this. So close, with little to nothing expected of you.

There was something in that tone that came out of Connor that changed something in him. It wasn't angry. Just a little demanding. And that demanding tone reminded him of Dylan. He knew they were different. He knew that Connor didn't even know his boyfriend, but Julian just felt obliged to answer now. But he didn't know how to answer. How could he scramble with his words and think of just what he wanted to say? Especially to someone as perfect as Connor? What could he say without looking weak and ugly. "I do believe you..." He looked a little hurt by this, not by Connor, but by himself. "I just- I don't feel like I deserve you feeling that way towards me."
 
“But… that’s the thing,” Connor said, really thinking about it. “Even if you didn’t deserve me feeling this way about you… it would happen anyway. And you do deserve it. What have you ever done not to?” That was the crazy thing about hating yourself, and sometimes even Connor experienced this; there was never any real reason to. Some people hated themselves because they were ugly, awkward, or because they’d made stupid mistakes. But most of them weren’t shallow enough to think that ALL ugly people deserved hate or that all awkward people who made mistakes deserved to be isolated from humanity.

People just made no sense. Connor just sat there. He didn’t try anything with Julian at all. He simply stayed exactly where he was; with his hands resting on the exaggerated hollow of the other’s stomach and with his chin on Julian’s shoulder. It wasn’t sexual or needy, or anything bad. It was just sweet and romantic.
 
This stung. It stung, and burned and just felt all around terrible. And Julian just couldn't figure out why. He spent the next few minutes in silence trying to figure out why he didn't want to hear these words from Connor. He didn't want to hear them EVER. From anyone! But he just couldn't understand that. Really though, he knew. He just didn't want to admit it. If he did take Connor's words to heart, it meant something was wrong with him. Something that he had to fix. Julian just wasn't sure that he could fix it. Or that he wanted to. He didn't have the time, and really he didn't have the strength to fix it.

Finally he spoke up. "I don't know..." He murmured closing his eyes. "Connor I-" He swallowed, instantly regretting the words as they spilled from his lips. He hadn't wanted them to be revealed at all, let alone now when they were having this nice time. "My ex-boyfriend did this..." It was easier than he thought to say 'ex' at the front of that sentence. In fact, it was easier than he thought to say that at all.
 
At Julian’s words, Connor wasn’t cold, all color draining from his usually colored cheeks. He ran his fingers over the dark blue bruise on the other’s temple. And he bit his lip to the point where he was sure it was going to bleed. “You don’t deserve that,” Connor said, at first trying to be reassuring. However, he quickly found that even saying that sentence out loud turned his anger into something worse.

“Seriously Julian. How could he do this? What kind of fucker would ever hurt you? I’ve wanted you for so fucking long and the only thing stopping me was this worthless bastard? He deserves to get hurt like he hurt you. Hell, he deserves worse. I can’t fucking believe this!” The string of curses leaving Connor’s mouth wasn’t usual for him at all. He unintentionally tightened his grip on Julian, not enough to hurt him, but enough to show that he was more than angry. He was beyond furious. There were literally no words in the dictionary strong enough to describe the absolute fury that he was feeling; the warmth that spread over his entire body and colored his face.
 
Julian was not prepared for the reaction that he recieved. He never imagined Connor as an angry person. It was not something that he could picture happening. The boy froze then and had to keep himself from flinching. He didn't want to have Connor thinking that he wa afraid of him. He wasn't. But it was a little intiidated. But there was nothing wong withthat. In fact, it felt good. He knew that Connor could defend himself. He knew he could get angry. It was a good thing. It was even attractive.

Julian didn't know why he felt this way, but he did. "I-" He closed his eyes and just listened to Connor. He couldn't speak for at least a minute, holding in what he had to say. What could he say? "You've... Liked me for that long?" He asked softly and opened his eyes, looking straight into th other's eyes. "I'm sorry... I can't explain it." He swallowed, then leaned into the other's neck. "I- I just. Sometimes I did deserve it."
 
Connor softened, his expression going from pissed off to just… sad. How could Julian possibly think he deserved this? He was so great. He was gentle, and sweet, and Connor doubted that he would ever hurt anyone. He most certainly didn’t deserve to be hurt…ever… by anyone. It didn’t help that he could only imagine whoever Julian’s boyfriend was (he’d never actually learned his name) as some sort of stupid, violent brute.

And just like that, he was pissed off again. “Whatever he,” Connor spat the word out with as much venom as he could muster, “made you think, you’re wrong. It’s obvious that someone like that would brainwash you.” He kissed Julian’s cheek. “Can’t you see that? There is no way you deserved any of this. Like I said before, you’re perfect. He’s the one that’s fucked up.”
 
The next few seconds that unfolded were an event that surprised him. Julian had never been ungrateful in his life. He'd always been the kindest and spoken with the softest tone. But here he was about to make a big mistake. He didn't think it was a mistake, but when the words came out he probably would. First, his mind tried to process Connor's words. What was he saying? Maybe Julian just hadn't educated him enough. It was interesting though, that Connor told Julian Dylan had made him think something. That he'd been brainwashed. Well... That certainly solidified the idea that Dylan had planted earlier. He was malleable and incapable of his own thought.

"It isn't like that..." He answered as he shook his head. "He's not like that!" He pulled away, looking at Connor through a pair of hurt eyes. "He's really not. He's just confused. He's had a lot on his plate and it isn't his fault." He defended Dylan, looking down to the bath water. "He has some problems he need to work out, but we all do. He's not a bad guy." Just bringing Dylan up in conversation reminded Julian that he shouldn't be here. And honestly it made him feel a little uncomfortable. What if Dylan tried something? He should at least go back and check on him at some point...
 
"Well of course you wouldn't think he was a bad guy. How long have you two been dating again? How could you possibly let someone make you feel so worthless? And if you don't think that it's his fault, then whose is it? And don't you dare say yours. Because it isn't." Connor ranted. He'd noticed that the other boy had moved away, but before this moment, he hadn't really looked at him. He'd been selfish. But when he did... the hurt in Julian's eyes was painful for him to look at.

"Hey," he began, his voice much quieter and far more gentle. He reached out and placed his hand on the other boy's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I just... it's aweful to think that you could love someone who hurts you. Because you really act like you still love him. And-" He bit his lip and looked down into the water. "I'm jealous."
 
Connor's words really weren't helping him much. In fact, they were making him feel like this was his fault again. How could you possibly let someone make you feel so worthless? It was a valid question. One he didn't know the answer to. Maybe he hated himself so much that he deserved that. Why would he get anyone that truly cared for him if he didn't have any self respect? But then it made him a little angry as well. He wasn't going to believe that Dylan hadn't cared for him this entire year. "We dated a year." He answered, trying not to look so angry. He couldn't alienate Connor. But he didn't want to make the other think it was okay bashing his ex either.

"He's just upset. And he was afraid of losing me." He answered softly, then looked up when Connor spoke to him again. The boy's eyes softened when he saw how genuinely upset the other boy looked. Now he felt terrible about not defending Dylan, but also about upsetting Connor as well. This was a losing situation for him. Because he knew that part of him still did love Dylan. "That... That's sweet... " He laughed softly and leaned closer to Connor again. He didn't want the other to think he was angry with him. "You don't have anything to worry about... But I am a little worried about him. I'll want to check up on him at some point." He answered but leaned in to kiss Connor's lips softly.
 
Connor pulled away from the kiss before it had started. Sure, he felt a bit bad doing it. Julian probably already felt bad enough about himself. And as far as Connor knew, he was doing nothing but maiking it worse. Why did the other boy even put up with him? Julian's confession had opened up a whole slew of questions in the red-head's mind. Was he just interested because he was feeling needy? Did he think that Connor was the 'best he could do'? Was doing something as small as kissing Julian really taking advantage of his vaunerability? He couldn't risk it. And so waiting would be their best option.

"Do you want me to take you to check on him tomorrow?" He asked, taking hold of the smaller boy's wrists. He lowered himself a bit, looking directly into Julian's eyes. "I don't want you to go to his place alone. I don't want him to hurt you again. Or you can just call. That would be so much safer."
 
Julian did feel a little rejected when Connor pulled away from that kiss. Had he said something wrong? Probably. Or maybe Connor was realizing that he just wasn't that attracted to Julian anymore? While Connor's own questions circulated through his head, Julian had ones going through his as well. But Julian's were the much more harmful kind. Doubts in himself about himself. Doubts that could not be expelled by a simple statement of the otherwise.

The boy's eyes widened a little when he heard that question. Did Connor want him to take Julian there? That would NEVER happen. "I don't think that's the best idea." He answered softly, looking up at the other. That was the worst idea. Connor would think... Something bad would happen, that was definite. "I could call him. But I know he wouldn't hurt me again. Not when he sees what he's done. He'll feel terrible..."
 
Connor tightened his grip just a little bit on Julian's wrist, forgetting completely about his injury. All there was at the moment was the fact that Julian still trusted the man who'd hurt him. His eyes narrowed and he tried his best to keep a frown off of his lips. His effort was to no avail though. "That b..." He remembered how defensive the other boy had gotten earlier. Cursing out his ex would do nothing to help Connor's case.

"I don't trust him." He said, raising his eyebrows and shrugging. "I just don't trust that he's not going to hurt you again. Hell, I know that given the chance, he probably would. I know that you care about him, but I won't let you get hurt again." Connor took a breath and bit his lower lip, bracing himself for a bad reaction. "I refuse to let you go by yourself. It's that simple."
 
Julian cringed a little when Connor tightened his grip around that bruised wrist. There had to be something broken there. But this attitude from Connor was something different. It was commanding even. It reminded him a little of Dylan. But he liked that. It meant he cared. But if he really did he would trust Julian. He would trust that Julian knew his ex. That Dylan wouldn't hurt him again. The boy shifte uneasily in the tub, avoiding his friends gaze.

"I-" He began to speak up, intent on defying that. Why did he feel that way all of a sudden? Eager to do that... Well, really he still did love Dylan. "And you're going to stop me?" He asked as he looked up to Connor again, his eyes a little defiant.
 
"No." Connor let go and looked down into the sudsy water. His pants were soaked through and now he just felt silly for having not taken them off. "I won't stop you. But I won't help you either. And let's face it Julian. You can't get anywhere without my help right now. You could hardy even get here." He wasn't about to rant, but he looked straight into Julian's eyes again, trying to convey that he didn't mean anything cruel. He was just tryng to protect the boy who he cared about.

However, he couldn't help his mind from reeling. Why didn't the other boy just listen to him? Connor was healthy, bruise free, and in his right mind. Julian though... Julian was acting as if he didn't value himself in the least. And it was really fucking frustrating.
 
Julian was a little surprised with that answer. Connor had been so confident and detmerined before. Julian actually liked that. But there it came again. That was better. The boy didn't have any problem with another showing strength over him. So if Connor wanted to do that to him right now, he would be fine with it. And with the other's statement about his physical state, Julian knew that he had to rely on Connor. He paused and let out a little sigh as he looked away. Connor's gaze was very telling. Julian could see all the care and concern there. And it made him feel sick to his stomach. Why couldn't he just accept that and be a normal person? Why did he have to perpetuate the troubles that he got himself into?

He really must have hated himself.

"Can you help me out?" He decided to change the subject, lifting himself a little. It was clear that he couldn't even urge himself to stand up. "I'm done here..." He murmured sadly, as if he was done with this argument. Connor had won, he wanted the other boy to know that. Julian didn't want to push his friend so out of shape that he was done with him. That would break his heart.
 
For the next few moments, Connor was silent. On his face, there was a look of frustration and almost anger. His eyebrows formed such a harch V that they seemed to almost meet, and the frown overtaking his mouth was hard and cold. He tried to care and he had gotten no where. He wasn't even special enough to compete with someone who was obviously abusive. He wondered how Julian's ex-boyfriend had looked. Normally, Connor was a fairly confident person. But now he just wanted to be better. He wanted the smaller boy to like him.He would have done anything.

He stood up and left the bathtub before turning around and reaching to help Julian. When he gripped the other boy's arm, he was still astonished at how such marred skin could be so soft. He was still afraid that he would never want to stop touching him. And there was still that aweful knowlege that he would never be with Julian... ever.
 
Julian couldn't tell that Connor was having these feelings, but he had some semblance of a clue. This had nothing to do with Connor's or Dylan's looks. It had nothing to do with Julian's looks either. Really, it had nothing to do with anything. Julian wasn't positive why he made the decisions he did. But deep down, he knew that most were determined by a bit of self hatred. The self hatred that he let himself know he had. Deep down he had far more than he let off on, and he wasn't even positive why. He had no reason. He'd begun thinking this way, and it just snowballed. No massive event made him hate himself. He just did. He hated the way he looked, the way he acted, and he hated that he was a boy. But that was outside factors. That was just because he knew it would solve all his problems with Dylan. Or at least he thought it would.

The boy helped Connor pull him out of the tub. "I'm sorry..." He felt heavy all of a sudden, and it was clear in his voice. Very, very heavy. To the point that he was sure Connor could not hold him up. Hold up his problems or his issues. Maybe he hadn't really faced that downside of the drug he'd taken earlier. He was feeling it now. "Connor I..." He was shaking, his fingers clutching the other male as tightly as he could. Which really wasn't very strong at all. "I need to sit down..."
 
Though he hadn't actually fallen down, Connor caught Julian. He took him firmly by his uninjured hand and not so firmly by his other one. It was an attempt to steady the other on his feet. An attempt that didn't work. He should have been panicking. If it was the drugs that Julian had taken, the taller boy wouldn't have had any idea what was happening. And if it wans't the drugs... he still had no idea. However, something deep down inside of him kept Connor calm.

He lifted Julian into his arms, pushing how light the other was out of his mind. It was fine. it was normal for boys. "It's okay," he said softly. "I'm just going to take you to the guest room. you can lay down there." He took a breath and searched through his mind for solutions to his problem. "Just tell me what's wrong."
 
Julian didn't want to admit any of this. His weaknesses, though they were obviously clear to Connor at this point. His friend didn't have to know that he did drugs too. Though he hardly did them. And he'd done them to try to make Dylan feel better, which had backfired completely. It was really a surprise that Julian could get there, with these unknown drugs in his system. Or that he could speak to Connor's mother as calmly as he had.
Connor's grip did not stop his shaking though. He leaned closer to the boy and nuzzled into his neck, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry." He murmured and kept saying it. At least five times. "I took something earlier..." He answered when they arrived into the guest room. "I think I'm coming down from it now..." Julian's fingers clung to Connor desperately. "Please don't leave..."
 
"It's okay, I'm not going anywhere. I promise, okay?" Connor held the other boy to himself tightly. He hesitated before laying him down onto the bed. What the hell were you supposed to do when someone was coming down from drugs? Food? Water? He had no idea at all. "Can you tell me what you took?" He asked laying down next to Julian. He'd promised his mom that he wouldn't do this. But the boy he was laying with was worth the trouble.

He wrapped his arms around Julian, placing both hands on the hollow of his stomach and holding him as closely as possible to stop the shaking. "It's okay if you can't. I'm not mad. I'm not going to tell anyone. I promise." He had to get around this now. Julian had taken drugs... damn. That wasn't expected.
 
"I-I don't know." He could feel how tightly Connor was holding him, and it was lovely. It was perfect. He would have melted right into the bed or into Connor's skin then. Then he wouldn't have these problems. Then he could just be a part of Connor and live his life through without the pain of an abusive boyfriend or the tendency to abuse himself. He could be handsome then, have a wonderful caring family...

"I don't... I don't know.' He answered as he clung to Connor. "I just, I just took it. I didn't ask." He didn't want anything but to stay like this. Just like this, this was perfect. The shaking subsided a little and his grip loosened on Connor. "I'm just going to... I'm going to sleep now." The boy murmured, leaning in to Connor's neck. His lips brushed up against the skin with his words, and he closed those wide green eyes of his. "Don't worry about me..." That really wasn't consoling at all.
 
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