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Poems from Wonderland

There's a candle flame that dances to your heartbeat,
And though it barely moves, I know you're still alive somehow.
If only in my dreams can I see you breathe
Without the weight of life on your soul.
For a short time you were mine,
And I still remember our fingers dancing
Across the screen of our fantasy.

I still lie awake with your name on my lips
And yet I never let it hit the air.
Perhaps we are only meant to be in dreams,
But, my drowning man, it isn't fair.
Yet I cannot be that selfish child,
Wanting to keep your spirit here.

Maybe for tonight I'll let you go.
Maybe for tonight I'll be alone.
And yet as I reach across the sheets,
I almost expect you to take my hand.
You've been gone forever now,
But it feels like only yesterday
That you and I could collide.
 
I see your reflection in the mirror,
Shadowing me like a nightmare
I want you to leave me be,
and yet when I reach out,
I wish I could actually touch you.

It's been so long since we've spoken,
And I know that we won't again,
But darling, I still miss your whispers,
And I miss the rhymes we used to share.

I wanted to get to know you so well
And the next thing I know -
You were gone from this place.
She and I miss you.
We miss you.

I swear you visit me in my dreams,
I wake as if you've been beside me,
Yet my bed is cold next to me,
And it's like I never slept.
My wistful nightmare.

If only I had held your hand,
Touched your skin so softly,
Kissed you like the man
That you wanted to become
And kept you safe.

If only.
If only.
There is no more
But sorrows encrusted
Around the wounds you left.
 
Let the rain fall down
Flowing like blood
From a suicide tide
Produced by hell-hounds
And the broken

This space is meant for ink
To be turned black
And smudged like lipstick
From prostitute kisses
And the sickened

When the sun collides
With other stars
It will rot away
Like corpse fingers
And hollow hearts

The end is but a fairytale
For the end is never there
And once the climax strikes
It leaves the hopeful forgotten
Like homeless children
 
I hear my siren song echo in the deep blue of the sea.
And I wonder if you can hear me.
I'm desperate to reach you,
And my body feels hollow,
As if everything is gone.

Once, I held you captive,
Safe and warm in my chilly embrace,
But now my arms are empty,
And my heart feels adrift,
Without your words to anchor it.

Where have you gone, my captain?
Why am I still drifting in this dark ocean?
Once, I would have given up my siren songs,
My watery home, my shimmering scales, for only you.
And now I am alone and lost.

What happened to the salvation we both sought?
 
Crinkling the pages between my calloused fingers,
I've read the ink so much that the words are faded,
I wonder if the words I see are true or a made up fantasy.
I see your confessions pour out like winter rain,
Soaking into my skin and burdened brain.
I wonder if you know that deep down I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I can't help but read your life that's been sent to me,
Tangled up and jotted down like secrets in a journal.
I wonder what you would think of me,
Dots lining the paper and overlapping the script,
As my love runs down my cheeks.
As if my tears can reach you.

As if they can reach you.

I've been gripping you so tightly
That I don't know how to let go.
Even with my fingernails broken and bleeding,
I don't know how to let go of you.
But we can't go on like this.
I can't go on like this.

Closing your eyes for the last time,
I've swallowed all my goodbyes.
I've kept what's left of you
And I know now that I'll remember you.
We fought the tides but no, we didn't survive.

As your soul drifts away from me,
Taken by the frozen sea,
I know that I will survive.
And even if the dark prevails,
I won't run away.
I will stand with my burning candle
Until the day I die.
 
[Shiny And New] Fast-paced beat

Here's the blade
It's so pretty
Look at it-it's all shiny and new
But not like me
Now you see
That I'm bloody and bruised
But look at you, look at you,
Don't you wish I were pretty too?

Here's the game,
Let's go insane
Make everything all shiny and new
Now don't be tame,
I'll take the blame
Let's make the cuts all purple and blue

I wanna just destroy-
Every pretty little piece of you
And I-
Wanna destroy you
Rip you up, cut you down,
Make every little piece of you
All shiny and new

Here's the gun
Now let's have fun
I'll be the one
To make this all shiny and new
Don't be scared
I won't be there
You can be pretty too

Swallow-every-little-bullet
And now, don't-let-that-bastard-do-it
Pull that trigger faster
Pull that trigger faster
Don't you wanna make this all shiny and new?
Don't you wanna be pretty too?
Let's stop being all bloody and bruised

Just pull the trigger, baby, and we can be happy, too.

I wanna just destroy-
Every pretty little piece of you
And I-
Wanna destroy you
Rip you up, cut you down,
Make every little piece of you
All shiny and new

[Deep vocals]

You've been cut down to size
So open those pretty eyes wide
You're so ugly on the inside
So ugly on the inside
So fucking ugly inside

Just pull the trigger, baby, and make yourself pretty.
Pull it, pull it, pull it-
Let's make the world all shiny and new.
 
I've been dwelling inside of your sunken ship,
Wondering when it will rise to the surface
By your skilled hands and whispered words.

Time has begun to corrode her,
Peeling back the paint,
And rusting the hinges.

I remember finding you lost and adrift,
Fear surrounding you like a shroud,
As you thought of me as a siren shark.

I held you so tightly in my embrace,
Carrying you off into safety,
Or at least we both thought that.

But soon my embrace loosened,
Your eyes drifted elsewhere,
And we were both alone.

I kept looking for you in my ocean,
But I only heard echoes,
Like waves crashing on a distant shore.

All that's left of you now- of us,
Is this sunken, forgotten ship,
Encased by my love and memories.
 
Walking along in this field of stone,
I look up to the rainbow sky,
Wondering if you can see me,
Moving amongst the others of your kind.

I see the flowers left by loved ones,
And the bare steps neglected by those left behind.
I lay down amongst a grassy clearing and breathe.
I picture what it would be like to hold your hand.

As the clouds move overhead,
I remember life is a game we cannot win,
No matter how much we try and strive,
We eventually reach our own game over.

When the sun finally fades,
I pick myself up to journey back home.
I'm not some princess waiting to be saved,
But I will wait for someone like you.

Even if it doesn't feel like I've been alive,
I will carry myself forward like the sands of time.
I don't need lightning to strike,
But I will find someone like you to have by my side.

Touching my hand along the trees,
I feel their long life through the rough skin,
And know that I am going to live on.
I won't spend my time waiting for some other guy.

As I pass through the iron gates,
I take a deep breath and exhale.
You would have loved it here.
And now I know I have to continue on.

Even with my jumbled feelings,
And this press of cold in my bones,
I will never forget,
But I will move forward in life.
 
I will be your siren for the last time,
And I will sign it all in blood,
As if it were evidence of a crime.

I will find the closure I've been seeking,
While the needle does its inking,
And sets our story in pale white stone.

You will not just be a memory,
But become part of my story,
As the blood is wiped away.
 
There's a shadow sitting on my doorstep,
Waiting for me to let him in.
He sits there patiently looking at the sky,
Watching as the days pass by.

And slowly, the door begins to creak open,
And then suddenly it closes back up.
Yet he doesn't try to force his way inside,
He keeps watching the days pass by.

And I watch him in wonderment,
Trying to figure out this predicament,
We've been down this path before,
Yet we're leaning towards it once more.

Stepping out onto the steps beside him,
I look up towards the waning sky,
As the shadow melds into the painted wood,
I watch the days move on like we should.

Yet we'll still go on in this endless dance,
Twisting and turning to get a glance,
Because we know right where we belong,
And sit beside each other as the days pass by.
 
Lost But Not Broken [A Sonnet]

This forest of stone has turned into a maze.
I'm trapped here, waiting, running;
Even the sunlight provides no warmth.
There is no escape from here!
The trees cannot put their arms around me,
They cannot suppress the barren emptiness
That presses in against my chest.
I am not broken, love.
I reach for you still,
Searching endlessly for your name,
That's engraved amongst the buried.
Even when the rain pours down,
To mix with my dripping agony,
I find the will to hope once more.
 
It is not your fault.
These ties will relax their grip
And eventually snap and corrode.
The fault lies with no one,
Not even the words that slipped
And tripped off of our tongues
When the truth fell out.
There were no lies, in fact,
I swallowed down the truth,
And reminded myself of it
Like a ballad on repeat.
The time has come to look away,
To look away from the dreadful winter
And look at a horizon remade,
By the giving light of the Sun.
 
Here we are, my dear old friend,
Hating each other again,
Loathing and sobbing,
Kissing and drinking poison.
We've done this dance for too long,
Yet the suffering doesn't end,
Regardless of all the refusals.
It continues.

Our happiness is like a star,
Beautiful from far away,
Impossible to reach,
Like the sun,
If we stare too long,
We'll burn up into ashes.
The ashes are more real
Than the poison.

We're cut and cauterized the cancer,
Praying that will be the end of it,
Yet it keeps coming back,
Like a hydra,
It just keeps growing heads.
And each one tells of a different
And more damaging failure.

There isn't enough ocean
To measure our sorrows,
And so we look endlessly from the shore,
Praying for a ship that will never come home.
And as we wait,
we turn slowly to stone,
As our eyes blend with the sea.
 
This just wrenches my heart... hauntingly sad and quite moving, sweetie. Once again, your words evoke so much raw emotion... *hugs you* <333
 
The darkness swells up like a frothing ocean wave,
Turning red as the anger churns and rises.
There is no safe place,
And the only escape is to ride it out.
It consumes like the vast sea is endless,
Swallowing everything up like a rogue wave,
Pounding down resistance and even logic,
Before sweeping away cruelty with the tide.
Stepping down from the highest cliff,
Soaked from the faraway rage,
I step back into myself,
And quietly turn away.
 
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