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Poems from Wonderland

I shut my eyes to block out the words,
That scrawl across the movie screen in my mind.
I don't know how to turn away from them,
And I can't shut off my mind.
I'm trying to get away from it all-
The thoughts, the words,
The feeling that follows.
It's like I'm being pulled down.
I don't have a place to run to,
Because you can't run from yourself.
I'm trying to find some stability,
But it's like there's only insanity.
My cheeks burn,
My eyes hurt,
It's like I've run a marathon in the snow.
The feeling just won't let go of me.
And I just can't let go.
 
Touch

I didn't think I'd want it this much.
To touch someone like you.
And that's not to say you're dangerous,
And yet it's undoubtedly true.

I can't help but search for you,
Like you've done for me.
And I can't help but reach out to you,
Even if I shouldn't be.

It's like I've breathed in your ghost,
The one that's already gotten me.
The one that's already taken a piece,
Of what should belong to only me.

How did we let this happen?
This dance of two hurt souls,
Reaching for some stability,
In such a cold and lonely world.

And yet, here I wait.
Waiting for your words,
Your way of reaching for me,
The burning anticipation.

I think about what made you this way,
So filled with regret and sorrow.
Yet I know there's hope for you,
And I wait for every tomorrow.
 
It's Cracked

It's cracked.
I stretched my fingers too far,
And now the imagery
Of breaking your prison,
Is in pieces on the floor.

I reached too far,
I reached too quick,
And it seems I've destroyed it-
Whatever chance there might of been.

I can feel you push me away,
And all I can think of is,
"What did I do wrong?"
It's a phrase I know all too well.

It's not that I want to accept you,
It's that I already do.
Do you not see that?
Do you not see that the only boundary
Is what you want it to be?

Rain drops hit my fingers,
Leaking from inside of me.
There's a hole that wasn't there before,
And now it's just eating at me.

I never meant for any of this,
But I'm not the type to run.
My hand is still extended.
All you have to do is take it.

Your story is only yours to tell.
I won't make you speak.
But please don't shut me out,
The pain of that makes me weak.

I never meant for you
Or for you to sweep me off my feet,
But here I am and waiting.
Please don't lock that door.
 
Heartbeat

Can you hear it?
That little beat,
Ringing endlessly,
Trying to stay in tune,
with a soundless rhythm?

I can feel it beat in my hands,
And feel the blood drip down,
Like liquid gold-
It's warm and ever flowing,
From between my fingers.

I always thought my heart was made of stone,
But even stone erodes,
When acid and weather beat it down,
And leave cuts, indents, and scars.
They all tell a story.

What kind of story does your heart tell?
I'll admit, I didn't want to know.
And yet now, now I do.
I want to know,
As if I were seeing snow for the first time.

I'm trying to keep my distance,
Let you come to me,
And yet I've been breaking that code,
And impeding those boundaries.
I'll have to make myself stay away.

I'm sorry for my feelings,
And I'm sorry for your own,
But I'm not sorry I met you,
Or just wanting to know,
If you think about me,
As much as I think of you.

return_policy_by_tatshuka-d4je45g.jpg
 
Hands

I was in a darkened corner,
Holding my head in my palms,
Blocking out all the light,
So I wouldn't see reality.

I felt so isolated,
Wondering if I'd lost a chance,
To know you on a deeper level,
And have a little romance.

It was like the rug was pulled out from under me.
I was staring at the ceiling,
Waiting for you to return to me.
I wasn't sure if it was all gone.

Then I heard a sound,
Something so pleasant,
That I couldn't help but to raise my head
And just listen.

I realized that my arm was outstretched,
Confusion marking my soul,
Your hand was being held in mine.
Your warmth spreading over my palm.

I saw you standing there,
Bent over me with hesitation,
Your hand soon touching my hair,
And relief swept over me.

You heard me calling,
And as our hands stayed connected,
I saw just how scared I was,
And yet how accepted.
 
In The Silence

I went about my day yesterday,
Moving things,
Packing up my life,
And starting up somewhere new.
No matter what got under my skin,
My thoughts would slowly turn to you.
I feel like you've become an anchor,
In the chaos of my thoughts.
When I feel an emptiness,
A building ache,
It's surely because of your absence.

When all the packing was finished,
I looked at the cluttered space,
And of the new face of home,
But I kept thinking about one thing:
I was there all alone.
It's not a new feeling,
Even with my friends beside me.
But I wanted you there,
To help and be there with me.

There's a big beanbag chair,
That the previous tenant left.
I couldn't help but fall into it,
When all the work was done.
I found myself drifting to sleep,
In the big comfy chair,
My hand clutching nothing,
Nothing but air.

My thoughts kept drifting to you,
And I how I wanted you to lay down with me,
Curled up in warmth,
As the sun slowly fell.
I was comfortable there,
In that big comfy chair,
But I didn't have you,
To fall asleep against.

The house was so quiet,
That my thoughts were drowning out my heartbeat.
I wondered how work was going for you,
I wondered if some employee was giving you shit.
I wondered if you were thinking of me,
And how much I wanted you to see all of it.
I wanted another dose of you,
Just another little sip,
But I had to wait patiently,
Even if it was driving me crazy.

I read over all our exchanges,
Almost like an addict for a fix,
I can't help but feel my cheeks heat,
My smile broaden,
And my eyes glance down shyly.
It's almost like a caress down my neck,
The way you speak to me,
And I can't help but respond.
You've all but captured me.
 
Runner

We've got so much baggage
That the flight attendants
Are trying to keep the doors closed,
And put this ride into motion.

I'm terrified of sitting in the passenger seat,
Seat belt strapped in so tightly I think I'm choking.
My heart hammers on at a million beats per second,
And with my eyes clenched shut, I can't see you.

Sometimes it puts me at ease that you can't see me,
Or that I can't see the look on your face when I speak.
I feel like I'm double-checking the airlocks,
So I won't be swept away.

I've been craving your symphony,
Wanting to hear your harmony,
So we can have our own melody,
And produce our own memory.

Yet I know I need to pull away,
And it eats me up inside.
I don't want to ruin this,
Yet I can't help but run and hide.

I'm so afraid of myself,
That I think I'm scaring you,
And I don't know what to say,
And I don't know if it's true.

I don't know what to say to you,
Or what I can do to prove that
I won't just make this all explode
Like a tragic plane crash.

And I know you've yet to bring your worst,
But I'm still right here waiting for it,
Because I've seen so much,
And I haven't been completely honest.

I feel like a monster on the inside,
Like I'll just destroy us both,
And I already know I started running,
My eyes shut tightly so I won't see what I am.

And I don't know if I'll fall into the ditch,
I don't know if I'll be cut to pieces,
Because I'm even more terrified
Of what's inside of me
And what you mean to me.
 
Stay

I didn't realize how far I'd fallen
Until you said you were leaving.
And yet here I am,
Holding this fragile stuttering heart,
Hoping you'll return again.

You know me so well,
I can see it,
Feel it,
Practically touch that part of you,
That part that says, "You belong with me."

The walls are already closing in,
I'm doing what I can to not feel,
To not let the hurt sink in.
I just can't do it.
I can't say I've let you've go.
Because I can't do it.

I want it all - everything.
I want you- and everything that comes with that.
I don't care if it's selfish,
Please understand.
I don't say this recklessly.

I just want you and the man that you are.
I don't want to think this was all nothing,
When you've held my hand so tightly,
Even from hundreds of miles away.
Please don't let go.

I'm begging you to stay,
To prove you're not like them.
To prove you're worth every thought,
Every emotion,
Every little bit of love I've given to you.

Stay with me.
 
Lost

I don't know what to do.
It's like the hours are against me,
And I keep seeing that ticking time bomb,
Count away the good memories.

My eyes hurt from the strain
Of trying to see you,
In this torrential downpour of rain,
That makes my eyes burn worse.

I feel like I've been standing outside,
Wandering without my coat,
The chill of winter in my bones,
And choking the life out of me.

My god, it's like you died.
How did it ever get this bad?
It's like you let go of my hand,
In some frigid desert storm.

I'm talking to what's left of you,
The person that I came to know,
It's like I've been staring at a blank wall,
And no words are coming out.

My hand keeps reaching out for something,
But all there is is air.
I don't know how to breathe,
My lungs are filled with despair.

I had a dream of you this morning,
Just before I had to wake,
And it was so beautiful,
I knew that it was fake.

I'm trying not to feel so much,
But I'm not sure how to hide.
I feel like I've become a ghost,
And frozen on the inside.

What happened to those bulletproof weeks
When I could be in your arms?
What happened to listening
To all those glorified love songs?

I didn't know I'd be so hopeful for just a chance,
But you woke me up like a brush fire,
Blazed right over me,
And took over where the pain used to be.

I know I'll be waiting here until the end.
I think you took my heart with you,
And I know I'll always be waiting for a chance,
Because I can't get rid of this image.

This chance for a me and you.
And maybe that's too much for you,
Hell, it's too much for me.
But I can't help it.

I'm living in a lost dream.
 
Sometimes we reach too far
And end up singeing our fingertips
On our own mental coils

It's a game of checks and balances
To figure out where we stand
And even I find myself confused

My mind likes to trick me
And my heart likes to lie
Yet I know the truth is there

So here it is,
A little confession
I didn't think you'd be here

So I'm looking for something new
Want to start this up?
And begin anew?
 
It's almost like a game of chase,
Yet you've been holding my hand,
Making it impossible
For me to escape.

And I find that in this field of possibility
That I'm okay with that.
Especially since I know it's different.
This time is different.

With the sun in my eyes
And laughter on my lips,
I can't help but run,
And try to let go.

Maybe not too much,
Maybe just a little bit,
But in this case,
I know I'm not the only one trying.

So with this field of "Maybes,"
And "Could bes"
We're trying each other on,
And hoping for the best.
 
My heart is going a million beats a minute
And I can't control it,
And i just can't take it
And I've been drinking tonight
But I want you to know
I can feel you down to my soul
And it's like a hurricane swept over me.
Stealing away my heart and insecurities
Yet I know,
We're moving at a slower pace
And yet I don't want to leave this place
Because you are just what I need
And I think I'm in trouble here
Yet you are just what I need
and so I'm trying to give
You some room to breathe
Because you're taking what's left of me
And I just want you know
that I'm here and I've been here
So my outreached hand is in yours
And I'm willing and hopeful
So kiss me goodnight
And wish me
To have sweet dreams of you tonight
Cause they will plague me
Like a symphony of sound
That I can't let go of
And I don't want to mute
So sing to me
Even in this silence
Because I want to know you
And all that we are
So kiss me goodnight
And wish me sweet dreams
Dreams of you that make me
Want more of you
 
Fingers caress the air,
Metal clicks so delicately,
In this tempered silence.

I can't help but touch so slowly,
Almost as if you'll disappear,
Because I know that you could run.

Maybe not now,
But there's always that chance,
That everything could go wrong.

Yet here we are,
As you lay beneath me,
Breath catching at every touch.

I have to say you're beautiful,
But it's not enough to describe
The way you look in this moment.

I whisper that you're mine,
So softly you can't hear,
Because I fear what you might say.

I want to keep you in my arms,
Locked in security,
And held tightly by my words.

I know this might not be enough,
But, darling, I'm trying for you.
Because I need this, too.

So take a deep breath,
I'm taking and giving,
Turning into ethereal grace.

In the aftermath,
I can't help but find your hand,
In this tempered darkness.

Holding it tight,
I pray for an ending,
That saves us both.
 
Beautiful, powerful, evocative pieces, Hahvoc. Very forceful language in the first and just absolutely stunning imagery in the second one. And the message is clear... <3
 
I was drifting through an ocean
Filled with empty promises, broken dreams;
A drop for every misery
No tear I shed was noticed
My sorrows were simply washed ashore
Like a shell to be forgotten
In the sands of indifference
And so I grew cold like the water that cradled me

I would silence any yearnings or longings
I would bury any loneliness or sadness
Yet I couldn't live forever in this twisted refuge
And so a few confident sailors tried to capture me
They seemed to succeed at first
Their hooks like gentle fingers encasing my heart
And then I would be scorned like a wayward lover
Left to survive the bleeding injuries alone

And so I would drift, singing never again of love
The sea would be my only lover-
As cold and desolate as my heart
I believed in this for many moons
Until you were swept up in my waters
Fear encased you like a shell
A sense of yearning bracketing your voice
I almost thought to leave you to drown

Yet I found myself swimming to you
My song slipping free of my lips
I wanted to turn away- to swim far away
But my heart whispered, "No, do not fear."
And so I held your finless form to mine
Afraid, curious, and shy in my own way
Then you calmed in my embrace, looking at me
And I felt like I belonged

I almost let you slip away with my fear
But you reached out your hand in hesitant trust
You were not like those fair weather sailors
You were a drifter just like me
And so I held you close - safe, secure
I wouldn't let you drown
And even though we are so inherently different
Our hearts resonate with the same song
 
Maybe I'm -

Selfish
Insecure
A live wire
A quick shot
Someone who can spark and burn
And make your head spin
Or I just can't win

Maybe I'm -

Fiery
Compassionate
A shadow on the wall
Someone who won't let you fall
A wolf in a gossamer cage
A beast ready to start a rampage

Maybe I'm just -

Sleek
Sly
Clever
And all kinds of wrong
Someone who can write a song
And erase a memory
Or start over this harmony
Replace an apology
With some more apathy

Or maybe I'm just-

Scared
Unsure
Uncertain
Forgotten
One of those forsaken ones
With tongues for guns
Who can't help but run
When everything seems gone
And there isn't any will to carry on

Maybe I'm-

That person who can't be saved
Someone who's all but caved-
In on their own mind
And has run out of time
Because I don't know if my attitude
Is pushing me up into this altitude
Of exhaustion and misfortune
Like I've put on another mask and costume

Maybe I'm -

Too overwhelming
Like a shock in sound waves
Those sound systems at carnival raves
Just takes over your mind
And drowns out your thoughts
But I don't know myself
I've run out of shots
So I'll run further,
Harder,
Faster,
Forever,
Until I find my endeavor.
 
The sky above me is darkening
I reach through the bars of my prison
Hoping to touch the Sun
But I always fall short
Of the warmth that radiates towards me

As the moon descends
I wrap my arms about me in comfort
Staring at the silvery disc
That haunts and soothes me
As if it knows my sorrow

Strong arms wrap about me
Pulling me close to a warmth
I'm not sure I deserve
And as my eyes shut
I blot out my thoughts

The Sun is like the Past
As it rests in my mind
It is the only way to be touched
And cradled like a wounded animal
That cannot be fixed

Yet these arms forgive me
For sins they know nothing of
And as I rest against the chest behind me
I pray to find myself
Every time the Sun rises
 
The Roses On My Dresser

There are two roses on my dresser:
Beautiful,
Vibrant,
Yet one of them is drooping
With the weight of death.
It has closed itself off from the light,
While the other blooms and stretches,
Reaching for that life-giving
Ethereal, invisible touch.
As I look at the roses,
Beautiful yet dead,
I see pieces of myself,
As they wilt,
As they bloom,
As they live,
And as they die.
Am I the Blossoming Red Rose?
Or am I the Dying Orange Rose?
I find that it is like a mirror that has been cut
Right down the middle
For I am both,
Just as we all are.
 
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