While I don't care for a lot of the issues revolving around the concept of "gamer girls" and think that anyone should be able to do whatever they like(kind of ties into the ridiculous argument over what's "hardcore" or "casual"), I think I can see where some of the attention comes from. While I don't suck up to anyone regardless, I'll admit that I do make a bit more of an effort to befriend someone when I find they like to play games, too. I generally prefer to have female friends, anyway(though I've learned not all guys are dumbasses and actually have a group of them I've played with consistently for maybe 4 years now), and seeing as to how the ones who play games are a bit rare, it's hard not to try to be more friendly towards them. Of course, I won't let anyone walk all over me or treat me badly, so anyone who does that gets the boot.
Let's see what else bothers me...
-The fact it's almost my birthday. I like to celebrate it, and I know I'm not old at all, but it's just starting to feel like I've wasted a lot of my teenage years, and now it's only going to get harder for me to do something with my life. Harder to find places to make more friends, more wasted tom on job applications where at least some sort of work experience should be. Only thing I've got going is trying to take better care of myself, and that's good for my health, but I don't see what else I can do to try to change what's going on around me.
-I guess part of what is contributing to my mood is the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death(I think we had his funeral was on November 2nd). I didn't really like him so I'm not sure why I bother to think about him at all. Maybe I subconsciously feel guilty for never having had any good thoughts about him or something stupid like that. I did have a dream about him more than a few months ago, shared with an old kindergarten teacher who I'd recently found out was dead, too. To my knowledge, that's the only dream I've had with any dead people. Kinda weird since I'm an atheist and don't believe in an afterlife. Only thing I can think where it might come from is the song 'Heaven' by the Talking Heads, considering the dream took place in a bar.
-One other thing I guess that's been bothering me, actually since the start of September(although overall it's been much longer than that) has been an old friend. Have known her since just before I turned 14 and "dated" her the first two weeks I'd known her. It wasn't really about her back then, but it seems I've grown to have real and strong feelings for her that have not gone away at all, despite my more logical self telling me the truth and that she'll never like me and that she wouldn't be good enough for me anyway. There's been a sort of a cycle where I'd spill all this to her, she'd get angry and stop talking to me for months or even years at a time, and then all of a sudden want to be friends again, which always confused me. And like a dumbass I'd always accepted, despite being called creepy or fat or stupid by her. The one time she has not ditched me was at the end of August. She came to visit, I realized my feelings for her were still there, and later, after she'd left, wrote a message to her about it.
She was upset, but we were able to work it out. Thing is I've had to put up with her always talking about how great her new boyfriend is, despite how bad he seems to treat her(and having her come to me for every single piece of advice to do about these things). I know I should just suck it up and be glad for her, but I really can't. I don't understand why she can be open to me about pretty much anything when she has to be so secretive to her boyfriend. To me, it should be the other way around. I guess I don't know what to do. I've tried to let go and am exhausted. It seems I don't have any other alternative, but I can't bring myself to just block her out of my life, either. I'm stuck.
I guess that's it for now. Kind of off topicish, not very specific, and maybe TMI, but I haven't seen any rant threads around.
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