Sane BDSM (a dom's point of view) (NSFW to be safe)

[Tassu]

Subtext and reassurances

Despite what subs might think, dom(me)s and people writing dom(me)s are human. While we enjoy writing bastards and monsters, stepping into the mindset of someone undeniably evil takes its toll in the long term. This is probably a good thing. I am not sure how I would feel if I had to sit in the head of a monster day in and day out. The more you pour yourself into the character, the more the character seeps into you. While this makes for authentic characters, it can leave the person writing the dom(me) feeling a bit crummy. Good OOC communication can alleviate this issue. Sometimes the person writing the dom(me) just needs to know that the person writing the victim is actually enjoying the roleplay.

I think what I outline above is the main reason the rape to romance trope exists. People writing monsters and bastards do not want to sit in the head of someone awful all the time. They do not want to deal with the negative feelings that might arise from the repeated character interactions where the victims fight their character or try to shy away from them. I mean, this is not the only reason that particular trope is popular; there are plenty of subs who find the trope appealing. This might be because rape to romance plots can be construed as bad guy becoming good for her, a literature classic found across media written for women with penchant for darker romantic stories.

Since it's the dom(me)s that struggle with this, a sub might ask what they could do to help the person writing the lovely terrible monster. This is where 'subtext' comes into play. It is very much possible to craft a post/reply in such a manner that shows that while the character is suffering, the player is enjoying the roleplay immensely.

The following excerpts are from writers who do this very well, and I have gotten permission to use their writing as examples. What all these posts have in common is that they all take a break from showing how badly the victim is suffering to detail either the victim's body or her unwanted reaction in lavish detail. A lot of people writing submissive characters do this. I am not even sure if it's intentional all the time. However, when the writer adds cues that conveys that they are enjoying the lewd parts of the story, it reassures the person writing the rapist/monster that what they've written is both fine and desired. All you need to do is read between the lines, and you'll be reminded that your partner enjoys the roleplay, but also the beast within you.

Excerpt from one of faye's posts:

The way her husband manhandled her, her face pressed down into the seat of the car, as if she was a dog shocked Ari. As the child of Nobles she had NEVER faced corporeal punishment in her entire life. Especially not as a spoiled only- child - AND a girl. The thought that he didn't even consider talking to her, but that he simply pushed her down like that, like she was an insolent child caused her face to flush from anger and embarassment, and for a couple of moments Ari struggled bitterly against his grip, before the reality - that she was in no way a physical match for him - kicked in and caused her to still. The flush in her face deepened when she felt him brush her skirts up, baring her behind to him.

Ariadne was covered by a pair of expensive, lacey panties. The legs were cut high, the bit of red fabric, matching her wedding dress stretching over the cheeks of her ass, causing her to feel very, very revealed to his eyes, which caused her to involuntarily squirm, in the futile attempt to somehow disappear - where exactly? Into his legs? And while being pinned down like that, her ass exposed, and his calm voice threatening to beat her for her "insolence" did have Ariadne's heart race like mad, her anger still was pulsing through her body like poison, her voice dripping with sarcasm when she replied. "Of course M'Lord, how dare a mere companion like me speak up about her own fate, M'Lord? How DARE I be honest with you, M'Lord? It shall never happen again, M'LORD!"

Excerpt from one of Magnolia Noir's posts:

Taking a few steps back, Clara dropped her bra to the floor, finding it useless to even attempt to hide her body now. If he was willing to put his hands on her, which she knew he would, she didn't want to know what else he would do. The blush on her face had moved down her delicate neck and between her supple breasts. The brunette was not blessed with a voluminous breasts but their smaller size still offered a lovely view. Soft freckles stained her chest, the perky orbs were just enough to grab and beautifully decorated with pale pink, erect pebbles. Goosebumps moved down her body at the chilled air hitting her the moment the bra fell to the floor.

Excerpt from one of reverie's posts:

Another wave of fear started to wash over her when she found it difficult to breathe. Not again. "I did, I did!" she croaked. She had waited by the door for several minutes. He was the one who hadn't shown up on time. "You didn't come!" Whenever he eased his hold on her throat, she drew in as much air as she could, the inhale almost hurting her lungs. But somehow that wasn't what frightened her the most. No, it was the hard bump she felt against her ass. Professor Beaufort was fucking aroused and he didn't even try to hide it from her. He pulled her closer, his erection pressing against her butt crack. Her face flushed at the sensation, but she pretended she didn't notice, that she didn't know what it was. But she knew. It felt pretty massive too.

 

[Tassu]

I am back with memes/information dumps. I found these two wholesome. I agree with both of the messages below. No one should submit to anyone unless they feel safe doing so. A sane dom will have answers to all of your questions, though some of them might be 'we'll figure it out if it happens' and 'I don't know, that has never happened.' Just as subs don't need to know exactly what they need and want, doms don't need to know an answer to every question. It's up to the sub to decide if the dom feels trustworthy and experienced enough. I also wholeheartedly believe that a good dominant will look after the sub as a person instead of treating them like a porn dispenser. Now, that doesn't mean that the dom should praise their sub for getting out of the bed in every dynamic. However, should the submissive struggle with self-care and getting their shit together, a good dominant will extend their care beyond the playtime and things the submissive does for him. A toy that's proud of herself will serve you far better than a toy that feels like an utter failure.

 

[Tassu]

Period BDSM
Period sex alone is a taboo. There are plenty of women who don't want a man anywhere near them when they are on their period, just as there are plenty of men who don't want to have sex with a woman who is bleeding. In this day and age, men sometimes get shamed for being queasy. Personally, I wouldn't judge someone for not wanting to have sex when one of the people involved is on their period. Coercing or shaming someone to have sex against their preferences is never a good idea.

The internet is full of articles describing the pros and cons of period (vanilla) sex, so I am not going to cover the most common talking points. Besides, such articles really cannot cover the possible gamut of human experiences. Normally, people have very different ideas about period sex. It's equally perfectly normal that opinions, desires and needs shift and change over time. Human sexuality isn't remarkably consistent, nor are periods the same across time. For most people, whether they are on hormonal contraceptives or not, the cycle does affect things. This in itself isn't rocket science.

With that said, I do believe that BDSM scenes that take place when the sub is on their period do warrant some discussion. The dom should at least be aware that their partner is affected by their cycle whether they want it or not. Since I am not a sub and I do not have ovaries, I asked a few subs I know the following question.

The question is basically about scenes during your period. What would you want a dom to understand and take into account?

It's a simple enough question that the dom might want to ask—at some point. The answers can be seen below.

Be aware that my mood can change drastically and suddenly
That what I can normally handle I might not handle as well during my period
That my preferences might differ slightly while I'm on my period, so I might not want to do the usual stuff
Be patient and understanding and be aware that I might need more aftercare than usual

I mean, first is negotiating whether that's going to be a thing at all. For some that may be a no
And then...hormones mean a lot of things simply feel different, libido is different. Depending on the person, they may feel gross about the blood or be the sort for whom it's powerful.
I think it's a solid 'talk about this' element.
because it can mean so many different things to people. And everyone's body is acting differently

"First and foremost, I want my dom to have an idea of what my period is like for me personally. People with periods have very different experiences – from PMS to cramps, to food cravings, the experience can run the gamut. Knowing how one's period impacts their emotional state is another crucial thing for me, because I tend to have more PMS symptoms than physical ones, and my periods are pretty irregular. Beyond that, though, most of the men I've talked to generally have an attitude of 'oh, that doesn't bother me', which is great, but also can sometimes be used to sound dismissive or minimize the idea that there needs to be some adjustment for period sex. Maybe I'm going to need more support/aftercare, maybe I need to avoid a particular subject, etc. From a physical standpoint, I guess the other big thing I'd say is to know what kind of period products your partner uses. Tampon? Pad? Cup? All of those things impact play and if I'm, for example, wearing a pad, a vibrator isn't going to do me any good over my panties. Get to know the actual mechanics of what your period-having-submissive uses."

So, the first thing that comes up is that the dom should understand that the submissive might not want to have a scene while they are on their period. This is hardly surprising. Period tends to come with pain and malaise and the chances are that your partner simply won't have the energy a scene needs. Perhaps some days you just need to cuddle under the blankets and watch a movie. Or perhaps you can command your sub to give you oral sex. Good communication is the key.

Secondly, there's a notion that things might work differently. As much as you can learn to know your sub, their period can and will throw a wrench at any best-laid plans. What your submissive wants and needs shifts over time. This is fine and normal. I have covered the topic here. We also know that the luteal phase increases pain sensitivity. This means that any elements involving pain should be adjusted to the sub's ability to manage the pain while they are on their period. Perhaps the clamps stay on a little shorter time or perhaps you'll spank them ten times instead of twenty. Or perhaps you'll strike their rump a bit more gently. A good dom can and will adjust on the fly. There's a trick with placing your hand on your sub's neck (backside, not throat) and feeling the muscles there. Even if your toy cannot speak, the degree to which the neck muscles are tensed will tell you how much pain they are in. This is a reflex and works with everyone.

A good submissive can recognize their internal energy levels and communicate those. A good dominant can often read the submissive, assuming that they know them well. That said, reading a person is far more difficult and submissive folks shouldn't expect doms to be able to have a perfect read of their energy levels.

That said, the dominant should not expect their submissive to have a perfect understanding of their mood and energy levels either. Such things shift as is, and hormonal changes are not going to make that task even harder. If you are submissive with ovaries, it's fine if you aren't sure what you can do. That won't make you a bad sub.

Thirdly, pads and tampons might get in the way of things, regardless of whether the scene takes place in real life or online. Again, nothing that cannot be discussed beforehand. A good dominant won't dance around the topic and will ask. I have not talked to a single sub/woman who wouldn't have been happy to discuss such matters when they become relevant. As it turns out, subs tend to like it when they feel that you are taking their needs into account.

While this might sound nerdy, you can approach D/s from the game theory perspective. You just have to define the game carefully. Generally speaking, you want to define the game as a series of mutually beneficial rounds. This means that winning every round (enforcing your will) is not the best possible strategy. You win the game when you get to play multiple rounds with your partner. This means that sometimes you might need to take a 'loss' even if you are a dominant. It's not only moral and good, but also actually beneficial long term to pay heed to the needs of your submissive. So, there's no need to rush or force anything. You'll get far more out of any given sub if you simply take your time and wait for them to be comfortable playing with you.