Sane BDSM (a dom's point of view) (NSFW to be safe)

[Tassu]

Feel free to engage with the content. This is where I'll be sharing my errant thoughts regarding D/s dynamics in real life. Some of these thoughts are obviously also applicable to roleplay.

Anyhow, I found this rather wholesome Twitter account.

There are no wrong kind of emotions, only wrong actions taken because of said emotions. Validate your partner's emotions, be they ugly are beautifuil. Never tell someone ''you should not feel like that' or 'you can't feel that'. Only challenge people on how they act. Never on how they feel. It's perfectly fine to be jealous, envious and even upset. As long as you do not cause harm.

I have interacted with plenty of folks who refuse all the praise (or get mental blue screen) when praised, yet crave for affirmation.
Remember, your submissive/dominant needs kind words and affirmation. They are a human too.

 

[Tassu]

With great power comes great responsibility. As much as dominant can expect and hope the submissive to communicate their needs,
they also need to make sure that the needs are met. This is often less an issue with 'service subs' that only seek to please their dominant.
That doesn't mean that such submissives have no needs. Just as every human being, they need affection and affirmation.

Littles and brats are then often bit different. To be a proper master or daddy, you really need to look after your plaything. While in some ways,
being a dominant gives you access to someone ~as you wish, it also comes with responsibility to make sure that the submissive stays safe and sound.
This often includes a fair amount of mental work and patience that's far less sexy than dragging the submissive on your knee and spanking them.

Being dominant is never really only about rough sex and consensual abuse. Submission is a gift - something to be earned and never to be taken
as granted. A good dominant will earn their submissive's affection by looking after them.

 

[Tassu]

A dominant can certainly force his or her submissive to kneel, if that's at stake. There is joy in primal play, there's joy in putting a brat in his or her place. But just as using physical force is appealing, so is inspiring respect. A dominant who truly cares for their submissive and manages to show it without being overly pushy or wishy-washy will foster near undying loyalty in their submissive. A plenty of people seek safety in submission, a moment of reprieve from their anxieties. Some yield to quiet the voices in their head, not having to worry about doing something wrong or not being enough. If and if dominant can provide that, they can ask almost anything from the submissive and he or she will be happy to oblige.

 

[Tassu]

This little prompt, likely meant as 'porn' in one way or another, carries two important tidbits for healthy longterm D/s relationship.
Of course these things are relevant in short term as well. But's the longterm relationship where you can get most out of D/s and that's
what I have most experience with. I am not saying that, nasty, kinky encounters are somehow bad or wrong, but you definitely get deeper
into (and more out of) D/s the more you interact with the same person.

The first idea here is that dominant should always have submissinve's best interest in his mind. Sometimes this means degrading face fucking,
sometimes this means a night spent cuddling and watching cartoons. A submissive is not a sex vending machine, but human with his or her hopes,
fears and needs. Needs that must be met, fears that must be alleviated. While you can create a momentary illusion that your submissive is
nothing but your toy, existing only to please you, long term you will need to look after him or her to make this possible.

The second point is that, while submissive should strive to communicate their needs, likes and fears, the dominant must keep his or her eyes and ears open.
One must listen and observed the submissive for no two people are ever the same. One must cherish the gift of submission and show it.
No two submissives are ever the same and one can't easily apply earlier relationships to a new one. No two instruments can be played the same
and submissives are much the same. Care should be taken to understand the person, their needs and their limits, so that you might best use them
for their and your enjoyment.

All this allows the submissive a space where they can be fearlessly themselves and grow as a person. Fucking someone until they weep is hot. But have you ever
considered how hot it is to shape someone into the best version of themselves? Watch them grow and succeed?

 

[Tassu]

There is no right or wrong depth for D/s relationship. Keeping things in the bedroom is perfectly fine. Expanding the dynamics into everyday life is equally fine. Each relationship will inevitably be shaped by the people involved. Both the dominant and the submissive.

However, the relationship cannot go deeper than trust goes. This works both ways. If dominant doesn't trust the submissive to manage a total power exchange, such a step should not be taken. If the submissive does not trust his or her dominant to manage her diet, the the dominant should not push the issue.

Trust is the basis on which everything else is built, both in vanilla and in D/s relationships.

 

[Tassu]

People (including myself write a plenty) about doms and what makes a good dominant. Perhaps for a reason, for it's the dominant who has the power to fuck the poor submissive over. Also there seems to be a temptation to portray oneself as a dominant in hopes of reaping the benefits (obedient, eager partner) without paying the due diligence (respect and aftercare). Traits that make up a good submissive are discussed less. However, it doesn't mean that there's no skill involved or that submitting would be easy. While I am not a switch (I wish I was), here's my take on the question, looking from a dom's point of view.

What makes a good submissive?

Knowledge and awareness
A good submissive should know what they need, what they desire and what their limits are. If you don't know yourself, there's no way a dom is going to figure you out - or spend time figuring you out, unless there's deeper emotional connection involved. Submissive should know how they want to be touched, how they want to be put to place if that's part of the dynamics and how they want to be addressed. A submissive should know if they want to be humiliated or not - and where their limits are. One person might love being called a cum-dump while another will burst into tears hearing the words. Know yourself.

Communication
A good submissive should be able to communicate the aforementioned needs, desires, and limits clearly and honestly with their dominant. This helps the dominant to trust the submissive to know what they want and what they don't. Nothing is more awkward than being asked to 'dominate me in a sexy way'. What one person finds sexy is abuse to another. A submissive who knows his or her limits and likes and can communicate them comes off very appealing for a dominant who knows what they are doing. Dominants cannot read mind and learning to read someone's body takes months at best. A submissive that lets his/her dominant know what they enjoy is likely a happy submissive. Talk often and hide nothing.

Submission
This may seem obvious, but a good submissive should be willing and eager to submit to their dominant. This means being open to exploring new experiences and pushing their limits within the bounds they are comfortable with. This does not meant that submissive should allow the dom to walk over their hard limits. This merely means that the submissive should be eager to explore things they are uncertain about - and then communicate how they felt. Yield.

Responsibility
A good submissive should take responsibility for their own well-being and safety, as well as for their actions and behavior. This includes being aware of their own limits and communicating them to their dominant. A good submissive also looks after the emotional well-being of the dominant and offers them comfort when needed. Just as sub-drop is a thing, so is dom-drop. Even the one who holds the reins might need a hug and a few reassuring words every now and then. Carry your weight.

 

[Tassu]

Doms need aftercare too. A D/s session, regardless its contents can push the dominant into headspace where they are questioning themselves and their humanity. It is not easy to hurt someone or make them cry and bleed and tell yourself that that's alright. That that's perfectly normal thing to do. A dominant might need reassurance too. A dominant should be able to ask for a reasssurance, when they need it. Now obviously you might want to undo the ropes first and check that the sub is safe and sound - and that they are back from their lala-land before you ask for cuddles and kind words.

Don't be afraid to ask your submissive for encouragement. If you are doing everything right, they adore you and will happily oblige.

 

[Tassu]

Subdrop and its management

While I am sure that most people are aware of the term, I am still going to spend a few moments talking about why it happens and how you can handle it. The basic problem with D/s is that, you are not just having sex. You are having sex++. The biological mechanisms underlying arousal are complex and involve many cerebral circuits — meaning that sex taps into very primal parts of our brain. BDSM (or sex) in general is a very, very intense source of norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin, acetylcholine, and histamine. This is to say that having really, really good sex is more or less equal to tripping balls. But instead of doing acid, you are doing five of the seven most important neurotransmitters that mess with your brain. Alcohol, known for 'really fucking up people' only really messes with your γ-aminobutyric acid (GABA) levels. This is to say that, besides the physical dangers involved with BDSM, power/control/pain also comes with mental dangers that should be kept in mind.

Subdrop as per se is basically a set of withdrawal symptoms as the brain and the body return to the base level and all the 'feelgood' stuff slowly leaves the system. This return to normal can feel really uncomfortable and in some causes cause considerable anxiety. That's how brain chemistry works. Feeling 'normal' after feeling 'really good' is programmed to feel 'awful' in our bodies. The 'real' problem with withdrawal symptoms is that the only way to really get rid of them is to return the body to the previous, aroused state. Often this is not feasible — one has to stop to eat and drink at some point and even the most generous sub usually taps out after 20 or so orgasms. Human body can take only so much before things start to break down. Have you ever seen someone get an abrasion on a clit? That is not 'fun times'.

Since 'treating' the withdrawal is usually impractical, usually you can only manage the symptoms. Basically you need to help the person to ground themselves to the present moment. Touch is a good way to remind person of where they are, so all sorts of cuddling, kisses and soft touches likely work well. Instead of trusting my word, you should check with your submissive what they prefer. Offering your submissive some water and snacks also likely helps as intense sex tends to dehydrate person. Making sure that your sub stays warm is also important and that's why all good 'BDSM kits' should include a blanket. I have yet to meet a sub who did not enjoy blanket-hugs while coming down from her high.

The emotional parts of the aftercare should not be neglected either. As the term 'ball of anxiety' describes most subs rather accurately (there are exceptions, primal bottoms and masochists come to mind), offering your partner reassuring words can mean a world to them. You know they did well — so let them know. Words like 'Daddy/master is so proud of you' will sink deep and leave the sub smiling for a good while. I would avoid breathing exercises as some subs struggle to breath while coming down. Sharing your feelings and telling your sub what you enjoyed and what you saw them do might also work well. If you do not live with your sub or talk to them daily, it is advisable to touch bases with them a few times to help them avoid feeling disposable.

 

[Tassu]

A slight addendum to the 'What makes a good submissive' tidbit I wrote. I was discussing this little journal with a subby friend the other day. As far as I know she isn't here. While I have been living in a D/s relationship for a 15 years now, I won't claim to know everything. My friend had a pretty good point about someone not being able to know something.

Dominant should not expect the submissive to know everything about themselves. Instead, they should take pleasure in allowing the submissive to discover themselves. They should allow the submissive to explore themselves within the bounds of their relationship.

While it's important to know yourself, it is also important to know what you don't know and communicate that clearly. 'Sir, I do not know.' is perfectly valid response to any reasonable dominant. If someone insists that you need to know or has no patience to allow you some time to think, you are likely interacting with someone toxic. Submissive peeps deserve the space and the time to figure things out, just like everyone else.

 

[Tassu]

One should never need to beg for attention in a relationship. Either attention is given, your needs are met and you have a relationship or you don't. No of course just how much time a dominant can give to a submissive is a discussion worth having. There should be some sort of understanding on the frequency and the nature of interactions. If you find yourself in a relationship where your partner has no time for you, you don't have a relationship. This goes for vanilla people as well.

Years ago, I almost messed up my marriage by not being there for her. Don't make the same mistake.

Begging for a permission to cum is then a different story altogether.
All good denied subs should learn to beg properly.

As long as they consent to the denial.

 

[RosesSeduction]

Don't make them beg.
Make them *want* to beg, or make them *love* to beg...

But do pay attention when she does, even if you choose to ignore it. Make sure she knowns you're ignoring her on purpose.

You want anyone (me) to beg for ...X... And you're not even paying attention? (A.k.a. on your phone, too busy taking off your shirt, or generally being too selfish to pay attention to me putting my honor out there and begging...) You better find a way to suck your own dick, or beg ME to.

But if you're nice...

 

[Tassu]

Don't make them beg.
Make them *want* to beg, or make them *love* to beg...

But do pay attention when she does, even if you choose to ignore it. Make sure she knowns you're ignoring her on purpose.

Pretty much this!

An experienced and skilled dominant who knows his submissive can inspire a lot of devotion. Unless the dynamics of the relationship revolve around forcing your partner to do things (brats, primals), it's entirely possible to treat your sub in such a way that she will yearn to serve you. Ache to serve you.

A good dominant can make his submissive to crave for submission.

That dedication, however, must be earned.

Ignoring someone (and her attempts to get your attention) is something I would discuss in advance, though. There are people who find lack of attention really jarring and upsetting just as there are people who will enjoy the little game and will adore you for it.

 

[L1zaT]

Honestly so glad I found this thread. Never heard of dom-drop or sub-drop before despite having experienced it myself. (Admittedly, my experience of this stuff has been purely through rp so I don't claim to have been there done that or anything). It's good to have the words for this stuff and a place to read about possible solutions, for all the issues and.. concepts you've mentioned. (oh and the aftercare advice is great too)

Also, thanks for using they/them pronouns for a lot of your discussions btw. I know a lot of bdsm content is male dominated (yes that is a pun), but as someone who looks at this stuff from an FxF perspective, it's easier to read 'their submissive' or 'their dominant' or his/her.. etc. Not that it would've made a difference, this is absolute gold regardless, but it's a sprinkling of some extra good stuff on something that's already really good.

Uh.. yeah just wanted to say this is some really good stuff

 

[Tassu]

Thank you

Honestly so glad I found this thread.

*snip*
Uh.. yeah just wanted to say this is some really good stuff

Thank you for your kind words.

I set up this thread for people like you. People who dabble with things, but might have not read much.

If you have any questions, feel free to reach out. I might not answer the same day, but I'll get back to you. I also might be able to recommend you some books. ^_^

 

[Tassu]

D/s relationships, whether in real life or online can easily feel transactional, particularly if the dom(me)/sub met as a dom(me)/sub. I suppose this also applies to roleplay. In some ways, many relationships here are transactional. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. No-one is asked to develop feels for the person they are interacting with.

That said, I have found that at least in real life interactions, it's night impossible for the submissive to not develop some feelings for the dominant. I don't strictly mean romantic love or sudden urge to marry their dom(me), but the repeated highs can leave one craving for more. Obviously, dom(me) can develop feelings for someone even in a relatively transactional FWB arrangement.

I am not trying to vouch for 'romantic' interactions as per se. Romance has its place and there's plenty of good sex (and stories) out there without romance. However, if you are playing the long game with your play/writing partner and genuinely want them to stick around, it's good to also connect with them on a human level. It's easy for a sub to feel that they are just a sex or smut dispenser on the whims of their dominat. The same can obviously happen the other way around too.

What I am getting at here is that, even if you have sexual (written or in person) relationship with someone, it's also best to include non-sexual elements to it, if you wish it to last. Not every fling or shared story is meant to last or will last more than its due time. But if you want to build something enduring, you need to put some time and energy into it.

And not just horny energy.

 

[Tassu]

No. This is just a wank fantasy for submissives. It's 50 Shades for the masses, an idea about as real as the hot MILF wanting to fuck you.
As it happens, actual dominants cannot read minds nor can they talk to you telepathically. If you need something, talk to your dominant. Really.

The right dominant is the one that can communicate with you and respects your limits.