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Loves Me, Loves Me…Not? Sadboy+Blue

Memories of last night try to bleed through the hangover, but Jason can’t focus yet. It doesn’t even really click until he’s sitting up that he’s butt-naked, reaching for the advil that’s placed there like money from a tooth-fairy. He doesn’t know how accurate that is, if ‘tooth’ was replaced by something else that had been taken from him.

The glass of water is downed quickly while things gradually un-fog in his brain. He’s home. Or, second-home. With Kaeya, in Kaeya’s bed. He’s here somewhere judging by the delicious smells coming from the kitchen of the man’s apartment.

Did he party too hard? Get wasted and need a ride? That sounds about right, and he’d settle on being stripped from getting sick or some shit, except the weird way that it hurts. He doesn’t hurt that way, ever. It’s deeply seated between his loins and it’s very telling. So is the flaky, dried evidence between his inner thighs and upon his stomach.

Still, it doesn’t really make sense. Was it a random one night stand? He wouldn’t have boned in Kaeya’s bed or at his place, wouldn’t have even the sexual appetite to bring anyone anywhere. Again, he’s used to his sex drive being nonexistent especially when he’s drunk.

The only explanation is something he’d been fighting, too mortified and ashamed to bring to fruition for years. As if it ever would be realized.

Why would it happen when he’s a drooling drunk? He doesn’t really believe it. It’s…blurry, everything, the specifics, are blurry. It’s just bodies and tastes and feelings, murmured words. Jason brought his palm to his forehead and held his stomach for a few heartbeats before getting up.

He moves with a slight totter, washing his face and cleaning up, feeling fresher, wetter evidence as he does so. It makes his face burn.

When he finally comes out of the bedroom, it’s with those bloodshot eyes and his boxer-briefs, and his shirt. It’s on inside out because he saw a few suspicious flecks that he doesn’t want to think too hard about.

“It…smells good.” Jason smiles hesitantly, his walk more normal but stiff, like he has to be careful how he moves. It twinges a little if he walks a certain way.
 
Kaeya looks up when Jason wanders into the kitchen. He can see the stiffness in his walk, light hazel eyes dragging along his brother's frame. He had always known his brother was becoming more attractive as he grew up, but had never given any thought to it. But after last night, Kaeya is definitely seeing the appeal of Jason's body. "Good almost noon. You're finally up. Sleep well?"

Then Kaeya notices the inside out shirt and smirks. "Your shirt is inside out." Without waiting for an explanation, Kaeya sets down the tongs he'd been using to flip the bacon in the pan and steps up close to Jason. "If you're worried about it being dirty, why didn't you just grab one of mine?"

Kaeya's hands rest on Jason's hips for a heartbeat before sliding up. He pushes Jason's shirt up with his thumbs, fingers trailing his skin. Then his fingers curl to grab the hem, pulling it up over Jason's head. This stripping Jason of his shirt lasts only a handful of heartbeats.

"Watch the bacon while I go get you a clean shirt. It's not done yet." Kaeya steps around Jason, heading back to the bedroom.
 
“Uh…I dunno,” he laughed, grin sheepish as he looks away and rubs the back of his head. “I think so? What time did I call you? I called you, right-?” Kaeya comes over and peels his shirt off so easily. Jason just froze. He’s not good at ignoring it anymore. Something definitely happened.

“I-! Oh, okay,” is all he can manage before his brother is gone again, Jason horribly flushed all over again. He watches the bacon from a small distance to keep from getting splattered with oil, arms hugging elbows as he stands practically naked all over again. He didn’t even get to ask about anything yet.

When Kaeya comes back, the bacon has been flipped and set onto a plate with a paper towel for grease, over stove turned off. He’s managed to do it without getting burned, it seems.

“I just wanted to get dressed real quick, was…all, was kinda cold,” he began to explain with eyes swaying from Kaeya to the floor.
 
Kaeya returns with one of his own tees, a blue one with some rock band logo in the front. He passes it to Jason, looking amused at his brother's words. "Cold? Jason, it's 22 degrees celsius in here. You know, you used to steal my clothes all the time." Kaeya chuckles, ruffling Jason's hair like he used to when his brother was little. Then he picks up the plates of breakfast sandwich toppings and takes them to the small square table.

"Come sit and eat." Kaeya isn't sure how much Jason remembers, but he does know the boy is feeling the physical after effects of their early morning activities. "So, how's your hips feel?" Kaeya sits and builds two breakfast sandwiches for himself, waving for Jason to sit opposite him.
 
“Yeah, well,” he snaps, “I’m naked, so I’m cold!” He frowns and takes the shirt, swiftly pulling it on. The fact he wore a dirty shirt to avoid feeling some kind of way now has him feeling some other kind of way- still embarrassed. He only really registered what Kaeya said as he helped bring the food to the table.

“…my hips?” It provided a sinking feeling. “Kaeya, did stuff- we…what happened last night?” His eyes shone with a kind of hurt, concern, and he smiled timidly, like he didn’t believe his own thoughts.
 
"You mean early this morning?" Kaeya's voice is light and teasing. He takes a moment to eat part of his food, watching Jason. His brother is clearly nervous of his answer, so Kaeya opts to be blunt. "We fucked. You were drunk, and horny, so you gave me a blow job, and then I fucked you."

Kaeya stretches his legs out under the table, letting his ankle slide against Jason's calf. He speaks so casually, like it's not a big deal. And to him, it's not. It's just sex, and sex is a natural way of satisfying carnal needs.
 
He’s understandably shell shocked. “What?” Eyes go wide as it’s proven what he thought was exactly what had happened. It seemed he lost next to nothing to the alcohol, save inhibition.

“What do you mean- like, you- you’re just- that’s it? You’re fine with that?! Kaeya, are you messing with me?” I’ve thought about this for how many fucking years and it finally happens, this supposedly disgusting thing that should never come to pass according to societal norms, and you don’t even give a shit?!

“You’re totally fucking fine with what just happened?!” He’s white as a sheet.
 
Kaeya stops mid-bite as Jason starts yelling. It's understandable rather he's confused, shocked even, but Kaeya hates yelling. "Don't shout at me. There's no need for that." Kaeya rubs his foot against Jason's leg to calm him.

"Sex is natural, Jason. You're old enough to know that. And before you start yelling again, yeah, we're brothers. So what? We're both men, it's not like one of us can get pregnant." Kaeya remains casual about it, truly having no problem with what happened.
 
“I’m not-“ he drags his hands over his face, groaning. Oh, my god. Oh my god oh my god. “I’m not yelling at you, I- I-“ he’s shaken, and he’s trembling a little, holding his fork and trying to focus on that.

“I’m, it’s just-“ Yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay, he gets it, he gets the ‘we’re both guys’ thing, but for him that’s hardly the point. Instead of coming right out and saying he’s been in love with him for years- YEARS- he goes a little softer first. Christ, if Kaeya is so flippant…Jason starts to worry if he actually cares. Maybe there’s a reason he’s never had a boyfriend for too long? His heart won’t stop it’s hammering.

“It’s just, it would have been my- it was my first time, I…I was so smashed, I shouldn’t have…” You shouldn’t have let me, he wants to say. He doesn’t. “It’s something I would’ve wanted to happen…” he chewed his lip. “Like, differently…you know?” He’s trying his best to be calm, but he feels like it makes him insane for trying. This is the kind of thing you’re not supposed to be calm about.
 
Kaeya listens, but he does resume eating. His foot is still rubbing Jason's leg. Jason's rightly upset, but Kaeya has never understood the importance of a first time, or of virginity. So he just nods along, making sure Jason knows he's being heard.

"I know it was your first time, because I know you. You also tell me almost everything, and if you had been serious about somebody, you would have told me. As for it happening differently," Kaeya pauses, tilting his head. Half his red hair falls in his face. "Differently, how? With someone that wouldn't be as careful? A lover some five or ten years down the road who might expect you to be more experienced?"
 
His brows pinched. Jason just wanted to ask why, why, why, again and again. He tried hard not to sound accusatory. “But— so you think I wouldn’t get laid for, like, another decade? So you wanted to do it yourself?” It was a struggle, trying to figure out if he’d been taken advantage of. Like, sure he was drunk…but he did vaguely remember being… touchy. If Kaeya didn’t care about sex that much…maybe that meant it really wasn’t a big deal, if Jason could just suck it up?

He looked down at his food, stare blank, and pushed stuff around with his fork. “My…it hurts. It does hurt,” he mumbled as an answer about his hips. Whatever it was, yeah, he ached. “Of course I’m s…I’m sore.”
 
Kaeya sighs, finishing his food. "That's not what I meant. It was an exaggeration. As for last night, you weren't against it, Jason. Granted, you were very drunk. But I wasn't going to hurt you " Kaeya pauses, then smirks. He hears Jason say he's sore, and allows his eyes to wander down his brother's body.

"Well, not really. Not much I can do about the morning after soreness. It won't be so bad next time." Kaeya stands, picking up his empty plate. "In hindsight, I should have recorded your moans. Would have made for pretty good proof of how much you enjoyed it."
 
Jason felt all the wind leave him, like he’d lost a chunk of himself. At the same time, his body burned for that comment, for any comment. Anything. A crumb. He sniffed, tried not to sniffle too much like some…sensitive piece of shit, because in comparison to Kaeya’s nonchalance he felt like he was blowing it way out of proportion.

Pushing around his food, he shook his head, voice hoarse. “I’m sorry…” he felt like he was being shamed at the same time. “I…if I was so wasted, what made you…after I blew you, what made you still wanna…do more? Go further? I’m, I know I’m a pretty tired, like…sloppy drunk, so…”
 
Kaeya takes his plate to the sink, giving it a quick rinse before putting it into the dishwasher. Then he sets to running water to wash the pans. "You don't need to apologize, Jason. To answer your question, though, I was still hard. You might be a sloppy drunk, but you give pretty good head. And my stamina is.. Extensive."

Kaeya turns off the sink just as his phone rings. "Hey, Jason, can you wash the pans when you're done eating? I'll be right back." Kaeya answers his cell, walking down the hall to the bedroom. His voice can be heard quietly, but no words are made out.
 
He was still hard, so he just…fucked him? Like it was no big deal to violate your drunk little brother, virgin or not. At the same time, it was a dream come true, and he’d missed it.

He didn’t know what to say, just…nodding. Mumbling quiet ‘yeah’s and ‘okay’s, he finished eating in his solitude with a thankfully lowered blood pressure, trying to figure out his feelings, because Kaeya…wasn’t, like, a rapist. He wasn’t! He wasn’t…

When he was done, he found himself at the sink with a scrub brush, cleaning up the greasy dishes while his mind went somewhere else.
 
When Kaeya returns, he finds Jason at the sink, washing dishes like he had asked. The phone call had left him annoyed. Kaeya's job is a graphic designer, and he makes a decent bit of money at it. But his current client called to say he wasn't happy with the design, and wanted Kaeya to start over.

Kaeya walks up behind Jason and wraps his arms around his brother's waist, dropping his forehead onto Jason's shoulder. "People are so inconsiderate, and picky. I just got asked to start over a project that took me three weeks."
 
Kaeya surprises him and Jason stiffens up at first, but the contact is chaste enough. Again, he’s always sought this kind of thing, so he relaxes into it as much as he can, one hand sliding down to place it’s soapy self over both of his brother’s.

“That’s stupid. It’s the company that called you before and said it looked good, right? They were just waiting on, on that one guy to see it before rollout?” Jason tsks softly and shudders as he wakes again from foggy last night- early morning flashbacks. Everything had felt good, that much he could remember. He just wishes he could remember more. Was there tenderness? Was it…loving? Or was it a quick and simple fuck, because it wasn’t a big deal to Kaeya?
 
Kaeya nuzzles his face into Jason's neck, humming. "Yeah, but the company doesn't make the final call. They might have hired me, but their CEO calls the shots, and he wasn't happy with it." Kaeya leans into Jason's back, sighing against his neck.

Kaeya's hands start to wander as he speaks. They slip under Jason's shirt, fingers trailing his skin. "Basically, I have to scrap all the work I did and start over with the new input I got over the phone." Kaeya's fingers drum lightly on Jason's stomach, then trace the faint lines of his muscles. "You're so skinny."
 
He shivers at his breath along his neck, shoulder tingling, and he lets go of the brush to swiftly rinse away the suds. There. Clean. He doesn’t look at him though, instead holding gently to the counter and looking down at the fingers beneath his borrowed shirt.

“It’s the only way I’m gonna get definition…” he says softly. “Don’t work out for shit.” What else is he supposed to say? Thank you? I’m sorry? He chews his lip. If Kaeya is so flippant about what happened, then confessing is probably a bad idea. His brother already thought he’d been making a big deal about it, coming out with a bunch of sappy truths would…probably not help.

“But, uh, yeah, sorry about work, that sucks,” Jason looks at the sink full of clean dishes and drums his own fingers silently on the rim of it. Just…standing there, letting Kaeya touch his abdomen. It was nice to be caressed.
 
Kaeya chuckles when Jason starts drumming his fingers on the edge of the sink. He bites his brother's ear, then steps back, pulling his hands away. "Anyway, we should probably do something more productive. Like taking you home so you can get proper clothing."

Kaeya picks up a dish towel, swatting Jason's butt with it. "Go find your pants while I dry these. Then we'll head out. Oh, I might have kicked them under the bed this morning by accident."
 
His shoulder shrugs on the side his ear was nipped, squirming. It tickles and the loss of those warm hands is exactly that: a loss. He misses it and gets a pang in his chest.

“Oh- are you just gonna drop me off?” He asked as he snorted off the swat, turning to go find his pants. Pulling them on was hard, the boy off balance and wincing when he sat down to pull them up one leg at a time. The drop didn’t make his ass feel great, and he limped more carefully back to the main room of the apartment after brushing his teeth. He wasn’t sure if he preferred being dropped off or hanging out. If he was left alone he might start feeling too shitty about it, or about himself.
 
Kaeya is hanging the dish towel on the stove handle when Jason returns. He scoops up his keys and wallet, then turns toward Jason. "Would you rather I stay for a while? It is only Saturday."

Kaeya leads the way out of the apartment and to his vehicle. Command start used inside means the A/C is already going. "We could play video games like we used to, and I can kick your butt at them too."
 
“I dunno, what do you wanna do? Video games sound fun, s’what I’m gonna do if I’m alone anyways.” He was careful getting into the passenger seat, hand on his belly to feel where it’s sore, deep in there. How big was Kaeya’s cock…?

“Other than the three week thing- not that it’s no big deal- how else has work been…? Or life in general? Pretty lame without me around, I hope.” The consistent worry that Kaeya would get tired of him- that low self-esteem, codependent issue was always there. Moreso now that they’d apparently fucked.
 
Kaeya chuckles, pulling away from the curb. "Alright, I can take a hint. I'll stay for a while. Mom and Dad are out of town again anyway, right? Someone needs to keep you company." Kaeya makes a fake fainting gesture by bringing one hand to his forehead. "Lest my dear brother fall into a depression."

At the mention of work, Kaeya just shrugs. "It could be worse. Every job has good and bad clients. I still enjoy the designing process, and it pays decently enough." Kaeya changes the subject, not wanting to talk about work right now. "So, what do you want to play when we get there?"
 
His antics got an organic chuckle out of Jason, the younger man biting his lip and grinning around it. “You’re just soooo considerate.” It made him feel normal, if only for a second, before he put his own quip into last night’s context.

I’m still hard.

It was definitely Kaeya’s voice, husky and coming to him through the dim light of the bedside lamp in the older’s bedroom. Jason got goosebumps.

“Huh? Oh, um, Smash? Mario? You know, something I’m better than you at.” He flashed one more quick smile, but then he was back to staring at his lap. Maybe it was better not to spend time with him? Maybe…maybe he should’ve moved on a long fucking time ago. He rambled, driving over his feelings in a metaphorical tank.

“I still have the dinosaur one on my old GameCube. Uh, one of the Turok ones? Where you have dinosaurs and guns. Love the old graphics…” it was like when your crush just wants to be friends: Kaeya was totally nonchalant about it, but the more Jason worried and sweat, the less he thought he’d be able to do this, to be normal.
 
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