Not replying back, rude or not?

[Namah]

It's sad that this is even an honest discussion...
Obviously it's impolite, very much so, at least in 99% of the cases.

Yes, when someone sends you a dick pic, instantly starts a cringy 1st person rp, or obviously didn't read your RT, then I'd say it's fine, but otherwise? Come one, one sentence isn't too much to ask for. After that you are free to ignore that person.
Give them the saftey of the knowledge that you didn't forget, that they can saftely try somewhere else without having to worry about 5 other conversations suddenly coming back to life because people were on holiday, in the hospital or whatever.
One sentence, it takes not even half a minute

 

[Chalarm]

So, only one person in this scenario gets to feel safe? It doesn't matter if the person sending the message gets indignant and rude when they're told "no"? You're just suppose to suck up any trepidation you feel about that possibility and cater to the other person's feelings? After all, the pain of not getting an answer is so much worse than getting abuse from someone who doesn't like being rejected.

I wonder. The people posting here saying things like, "My message was well thought out and considerate, and a perfect match for this person" upset about being ghosted, how truly nice and "safe" they'd really be when someone rejected that well thought out approach. After all, I bet it'd feel great to put that work in and get your hopes up only to be told the person doesn't want to rp with you.

I am curious how often this actually occurs. I see this mentioned whenever the topic of responding comes up how to reply with a short "sorry, not interested" is to open the gateways for verbal abuse. But I always figured that if someone was so aggressive that they would become verbally abusive after a response then would they not also do so after being ignored. Becuase lets face it, as you said it's never nice to hear those words of rejection, but being ignored with no response and hanging in that akward limbo I would say falls right in line with hearing "no".

I don't really consider this a matter of safety just an act of conaideration. The recipient of the message is not made "safer" whether or not they hear back, but it does give a nice bookend to the idea and allows me to remove it from my thoughts. Even as I say this do I expect everyone to adhere to this? No, some people have anxiety, or depression or any number of things where a terrible message can set them off or completely ruin their day in which case, fine, if that is safer or less mentally taxing go right ahead, as I stated before a response is not demanded but is courtious. For many other people, you will not find your rejection met with hostility and if you do, we are in a perfect environment to ignore, block and forget about that person by barely lifting a finger.

 

[Alien]

So, only one person in this scenario gets to feel safe? It doesn't matter if the person sending the message gets indignant and rude when they're told "no"? You're just suppose to suck up any trepidation you feel about that possibility and cater to the other person's feelings? After all, the pain of not getting an answer is so much worse than getting abuse from someone who doesn't like being rejected.

I wonder. The people posting here saying things like, "My message was well thought out and considerate, and a perfect match for this person" upset about being ghosted, how truly nice and "safe" they'd really be when someone rejected that well thought out approach. After all, I bet it'd feel great to put that work in and get your hopes up only to be told the person doesn't want to rp with you.

Precisely. There have been some contradictory responses from the “it’s rude” camp.

One member wanted a response even if it’s a white lie even though they said they won’t lie to themselves and deduce their own reason for no response.

another member said when he sends a rejection PM that he won’t read the response from his partner! What if that response is their partner saying something important that also deserves answering?!

(thinking about the above I might also be thinking of the ghosting thread but I feel the topics are related).

Maybe it’s my age or job or both but this really does seem like a case of first world problems to me.

No response is far better than some flippant excuse or off handed “not interested” it’s been pointed out already, think about what it might be like every time you send interest that all you get is “no thanks”.

And given the sensitivity levels of some here I highly doubt they would be ok with these direct rejections.

I do t hang in limbo either. I fire off a message and forget. If I don’t get a response within a week I assume they aren’t interested. The end.

 

[Staine]

Ironically I think those that display anger or annoyance at not getting a message back for their simple request message are the most likely to blow up in the face of an outright rejection. This isn't based on anything other than I think those people tend to be more tightly wound than others and obviously doesn't apply to all but even I have had those messages back after giving a firm but polite no. Not outright anger but the start of it, asking what was wrong or why they wouldn't be a good fit to the point that I've started just adding it into the initial rejection message.

One of the things that sometimes bugs me about rejecting someone for an rp is not an overt amount of abuse. I say something like, "Hey, thanks for the post/message but I don't think we'd be a good fit." And they come back with "Why?" Or "What's wrong with my post?" Or "I can fix it." And you're trying to be polite about not liking what they wrote or not vibing well with them or there's something about them setting off a red flag, etc.

This right here. A lot tend to take it personally, if you do tell them they will often go right to anger or worse, tell you why you're wrong to feel that way. I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in being told why you don't agree with my feelings on this, they're my feelings, any factor I choose to decline your request with is valid. I could do it because of your avatar, your name, or more likely fundamental differences in our writing styles. Either way it's none of your business, once I've said no it's because I have made my decision.

For many other people, you will not find your rejection met with hostility and if you do, we are in a perfect environment to ignore, block and forget about that person by barely lifting a finger.

Here is the thing: It only takes one. The saying is "A few bad apples spoil the bunch." Once you've had that bad reaction or if you just know it happens from word of mouth, it can be something you worry about if you do have confrontational anxiety. You can't ever know for sure whether the person telling you "It's fine, if you don't like it just tell me so, I won't be mad" actually won't be mad or if they'll just be an asshole and I absolutely cannot blame somebody for not wanting to test. As I've said before, it only takes one to ruin your day and once it's happened, yes, we have an ignore and block button but I don't think you're understanding that if you have that anxiety, the damage has been done. That one interaction could ruin your day, your week, it could do a lot more damage than you might thing to somebodies mental state and enjoyment of their hobby. It's just not worth the risk for them.

Now I'm sure somebody will say "Well them not replying to me ruined my day." Here is the point...you chose to message them. You created your own risk by doing so, you can get rejection back or just nothing at all, or you might get an amazing roleplay. Doesn't matter, what matters is they aren't obligated to message you back if they don't think you'll be a good fit. That's their risk to take, and I can't blame them for not doing so.

 

[Sync]

One member wanted a response even if it’s a white lie even though they said they won’t lie to themselves and deduce their own reason for no response.

That would be me - I suggested a White Lie might be better than nothing. I don't have a problem with people being honest, either. But, as I said before - at least then I know. I'm not a fan of guessing, and I failed Telepathy 101 when I was in High School.

I would humbly suggest that if you cannot handle rejection, you shouldn't be asking the question.

I think it was a week went by when my partner sent me an irate message accusing me of ghosting them. It was a jealous rant about me giving focus to other rps and how I didn't have the decency to just tell them it was over.

In situations like those - where I'm having trouble with the next post - I take the pro-active approach and give my partner(s) a heads-up advising that I'm struggling because reasons. It lets my partner(s) know that I'm still interested in the story, but I'm delayed in replying and might be for a while longer. It negates any suspicion of ghosting before it occurs.

 

[Alien]

When I rped, I did this too. I stopped putting it all on the other person because you could be waiting forever. And even if they get back to me in a week, I need a quicker posting schedule than that and I like semi-frequent casual OOC. So, already, I know we won't fit, if they take a long time and are quiet OOC.

I know what I want and I don't compromise on those few things. I never pay attention to someone long enough to know if I've actually been ghosted. Then again, I wouldn't take on more than one story at a time and once I find a partner I click with, I haven't been ghosted by those people because we become friends OOC.

Exactly. A lot of communication is based on cues and subtle hints and markers. Not every thing is so simply spelled out for you. Same goes online. Someone taking a while to respond (if at all) may be the first subtle hint the person is not for you or that might be appealing depending on tastes.

Likewise, watch their posting habits. If you are already engaged in a RP with them, do they take a couple days then 3-4 days, does it seem like it will go to a week next? Chances are they will ghost you or end the RP. Either way, same result.

Check their RP and post history, how many times did the RP pending their turn? How many times have they posted about taking breaks? Maybe they even allude to these things in their RT.

Lots of hints out there most of the time.

Ironically I think those that display anger or annoyance at not getting a message back for their simple request message are the most likely to blow up in the face of an outright rejection. This isn't based on anything other than I think those people tend to be more tightly wound than others and obviously doesn't apply to all but even I have had those messages back after giving a firm but polite no. Not outright anger but the start of it, asking what was wrong or why they wouldn't be a good fit to the point that I've started just adding it into the initial rejection message.

In the ghosting thread, I spoke about the partner who within a day or two started to send me PM's wanting to know why I haven't responded yet, what was wrong etc. I hadn't actually ghosted her, I was just busy and hadn't even logged onto the forum (a different one to BMR).

Her PM's started getting a tad aggressive too. I logged on a few days after she had posted to our RP and I was greeted by her ranty PM's and a very long winded and nonsensical post to our RP. She was going through some shit, it was obvious. About a week later she sent me a PM apologizing and I explained that I hadn't even been on site when she was hammering away the PM's. I also hinted that her post wasn't very good.

Anyway, I thought we were done. No problems. A couple of weeks after that she responded again to the RP?! She wanted me to delete it or archive it or something, again she had an angry tone. I just blocked her, had enough.

So yes, they say they want to know, but they also show they are angry and often impatient. Not to mention not being able to take a hint.

That would be me - I suggested a White Lie might be better than nothing. I don't have a problem with people being honest, either. But, as I said before - at least then I know. I'm not a fan of guessing, and I failed Telepathy 101 when I was in High School.

I would humbly suggest that if you cannot handle rejection, you shouldn't be asking the question.

For me no response is an answer. The same as being ghosted during RP play. I know it's over or not going to happen because I don't get the response.

No telepathy required.

 

[Europea]

99% of PMs I get are not satisfactory to me (they clearly didn't read/understand my post) so I don't reply at all.

 

[Maze]

I am in between on it. I mean, if someone is legitimately reaching out to another person about roleplay no bullshit then I think they should get an answer back whether yes or no. Everyone is ultimately going to do what's best for them and that's okay. It is what it is. Now there are PMs that are just a complete mess, borderline and beyond ridiculous that have nothing to do with roleplay, etc. It's perfectly fine not to reply back to those and click that ignore button while you're at it.

 

[JuneBuggy]

Lately I have tried my best not to leave anyone hanging. I know if I PM someone, I 'reserve' a spot for them and typically won't seek out new stories until I get their response. And when they don't respond, it can cause a long delay in me finding that new story I want. So for the sake of not putting someone through that, I try to say something.

However. Some things I won't reply to. I have made countless modifications to my RT thread to keep it brief, so that the main points can be seen. And one of them is that I am not a super chatty person, and therein am not looking to get messages unrelated to RPs. I also ask for some sort of thought beyond, "You wanna RP?", like just about everyone else.

However, I also second the sentiments of others who have stated that no one is obligated to reply to anyone. While it is a nice courtesy, that's really all it is. Most of us don't really know each other, we're all just strangers on the internet. So it's kind of weird to have such high expectations of a person you don't know. Especially when this is a hobby. Maybe one you take seriously, but you can't expect everyone else to do the same. Best to expect less, and appreciate when you get more.

 

[Eikichi]

I wouldn’t consider it impolite. It might be frustrating at times but it’s important to remember that not everyone you message might be social, or like confrontation.

You should just assume no response is a persons lack of interest, or being busy. I know I’ve left messages unseen for days because I’ve been busy, but still writing. Everyone is different regardless of societal niceties we try to impose on the general public.

 

[BuriedAlive]

It's very rude not to reply to an invitation to rp.

Though I think people should accept it can take a day or two if you're busy.

 

[Sylvani]

Nobody is obligated to respond to anything, so no. Not replying is valid and not rude imo.

 

[Seranda]

I try to respond to everyone, I really do. But sometimes I am too busy, or a message gets lost in the inbox. It's not that big of a deal to me. Sometimes you dodge a bullet not talking to some folks.

 

[Sync]

Nobody is obligated to respond to anything, so no. Not replying is valid and not rude imo.

No, no...you're quite right, no-one is obligated to respond to anything.

Including those Request Threads you post and bump where you want people to respond so you can start a story...

It's a fun little circle, isn't it? You want people to respond to your request thread, but you don't want to respond to those who do...

 

[Sylvani]

No, no...you're quite right, no-one is obligated to respond to anything.

Including those Request Threads you post and bump where you want people to respond so you can start a story...

It's a fun little circle, isn't it? You want people to respond to your request thread, but you don't want to respond to those who do...

It depends on the reply. Honestly, if someone made it clear in their PM that they didn't read anything in my request thread I wouldnt bother to respond at all.

 

[Sync]

It depends on the reply. Honestly, if someone made it clear in their PM that they didn't read anything in my request thread I wouldnt bother to respond at all.

Heh, I wasn't saying you specifically. More a generic "you". In the end, the decision to reply or not is yours. You can pay courtesy forward...or not.

As I've said previously: I have to accept it happens; I don't have to like it.

 

[Light-Fox]

When all the necessary conditions have been met, not replying is rude.

Whether you are obligated to reply or not is immaterial to whether not replying is rude.

Anyone who ignores my PM gets blacklisted as communication is highly important to me. If you cannot meet the minimal level for polite communication( no, not interested, busy, full), I will not waste my time and effort on coming up with a decent pitch. Not that I am a fan of blind pitching anyways as I prefer to build a plot together. It's part of the fun. If you can meet this level, I will thank you for replying and wish you a great day/night.

 

[BluesShuffle]

For the most part I really don't care and I don't expect a response anyway. BUT something happened recently that annoyed me a little. This person on another forum had a series of questions on their RT that they wanted answered presumably so they knew the person PM'ing had read or atleast gone through their RT. Ok I get it. I was keen to RP with them so I jumped through the hoops, I answered the questions.

I also wrote a detailed PM. And they still didn't respond. I am not saying they are obliged to discuss anything with me but given their criteria and saying they would not respond to anyone if the questions weren't answered it kind of implies that responses would be given if the questions were answered!

Anyway, all good. Live and learn. I knew she was high maintenance anyway from her RT but figured I would give it a shot all the same.

 

[Passion]

Edit: Oops, I'm an idiot. I thought this was about ghosting, as in you already have been actively working with people. A similar argument has been made when already in a commited RP. It is different if not replying to a request.

 

[Sync]

There needs to be more widespread awareness of mental illness and cognitive disorders and acceptance of people who are struggling.

Totally agree, but with one caveat: shared knowledge (and I realise that, in at least some cases, this is going to be very difficult to achieve).

If you're struggling - for whatever reason - then that's perfectly fine.

However, if I don't know that you're struggling, a problem is going to be created.

The folks who are suffering are the ones who need to open up and admit to others they have a problem - and that in itself can be very difficult for people to do, as often the folks suffering from any kind of mental illness don't want to admit (even to themselves, in some cases) that they have a problem.

It's why I look at things like R U OK Day with a degree of cynicism - for the most part, it's little more than a bunch of people who don't have a clue about what it's like to live with a mental illness trying to tell people who do how to get better. I clearly remember sitting in on an R U OK Day presentation and listening to the speaker tell us about what it's like to suffer from Depression, and I was thinking "you don't know shit".

At the end of the day, I can't "understand and empathise" if I don't know there's something I should be understanding and empathising about.

 

[Maze]

Since I last posted here I've had instances where I have replied back to messages to decline politely only to be met with the other person permanently leaving the conversation without saying a word or being angry because of the decline so I'm feeling like now if people don't want to deal with stuff they don't have to especially when you have people who blow up no matter what you do.

 

[BluesShuffle]

Since I last posted here I've had instances where I have replied back to messages to decline politely only to be met with the other person permanently leaving the conversation without saying a word or being angry because of the decline so I'm feeling like now if people don't want to deal with stuff they don't have to especially when you have people who blow up no matter what you do.

I agree. I think that is why many don't respond.

* Avoiding confrontation/abuse.
* Sometimes it really does feel ruder to respond "Sorry not interested" **
* Some people just aren't as sensitive as others and probably don't think of it as being rude or hurting anyone's feelings. I know my feelings aren't hurt if I don't get a response.

** - This conversation is occurring on another RP forum and one of the participants of the thread there actually commented that they don't understand, how someone can just know they aren't interested from an opening message alone/so quickly. Reading between the lines that tells me that some people wouldn't/couldn't be happy with a simple decline of interest and would still possibly want more explanations. I am not saying everyone but I have run into people like that.

Simply not responding avoids a lot.

 

[Sadiah]

I DO think its rude, but I wouldn't take offense. For me it is a cultural thing. In my culture it is considered rude to not respond if someone speaks to you. And I carry that over online as well, since we are still people talking to each other.

However I do not take offense if someone does not respond to me or ghosts me or abruptly changes their mind about things with questionable (or no) reasons. I don't know what is going on in other people's lives. Other cultures have different practices. Shit happens. Hell, when I first started here I was quickly overwhelmed with messages and missed two PMs to me. Fortunately I found them later, but still - shit happens.

 

[obieblu]

I DO think its rude, but I wouldn't take offense. For me it is a cultural thing. In my culture it is considered rude to not respond if someone speaks to you. And I carry that over online as well, since we are still people talking to each other.

This is how I relate to every online interaction. As there's no formalized and commonly accepted etiquette guide for online socializing, I default to if it's rude IRL, it's rude online. Like ignoring someone at a party that asks if you like the music. That doesn't mean it hurts my feelings. It's just rude.

Since I last posted here I've had instances where I have replied back to messages to decline politely only to be met with the other person permanently leaving the conversation without saying a word or being angry because of the decline so I'm feeling like now if people don't want to deal with stuff they don't have to especially when you have people who blow up no matter what you do.

Does this need to be interpreted as hostile?

If someone doesn't want to play with me, I usually leave the conversation and Ignore them so I won't see their RT again and be tempted to reply. I have forgotten when someone said they weren't interested, and they have been snotty about reminding me that they'd already said No months earlier. I don't want my inbox full of denials, so I leave. And with that motivation, why would I leave the conversation open to reply?

Unless someone was rude, I leave and Ignore without hostility on my side. I'm just sparing us both the awkwardness of me contacting them and sparing me the frustration of being reminded of their alluring RT every time I browse. Frankly, I'm grateful to know that it's a No and I don't keep seeing my unanswered PM for weeks, wondering if they "might reply when they have time, later".

 

[Maze]

Does this need to be interpreted as hostile?

If someone doesn't want to play with me, I usually leave the conversation and Ignore them so I won't see their RT again and be tempted to reply. I have forgotten when someone said they weren't interested, and they have been snotty about reminding me that they'd already said No months earlier. I don't want my inbox full of denials, so I leave. And with that motivation, why would I leave the conversation open to reply?

Unless someone was rude, I leave and Ignore without hostility on my side. I'm just sparing us both the awkwardness of me contacting them and sparing me the frustration of being reminded of their alluring RT every time I browse. Frankly, I'm grateful to know that it's a No and I don't keep seeing my unanswered PM for weeks, wondering if they "might reply when they have time, later".

While everyone has their own methods of doing things, there is really no need for you to explain that, if by some chance I have personally called you out or something I am just speaking on my personal experience. I just find it thoughtful about the whole not replying to PMs thing as rude while at the same time if someone does even in the nicest way possible, it is still met with an undesirable end case in point, what I spoke on in my last post.

Anyway, it is what it is. I would rather not get into something bigger than what it is. You and I may not agree on certain things but that's perfectly fine. You have a wonderful week, I'll have a wonderful week, and we'll leave it right there.