Not replying back, rude or not?

[Andy French]

I'm bringing this topic up again as it's a problem that still plagues me to this day.

The question:

If you send someone a PM asking if they would be interested in doing an RP, is it rude for them to not message you back? Not even with a simple "Not interested".

And since it became an issue the first time we discussed this, please, it's a discussion, not a fight. Be polite. No pointing fingers at specific people.

 

[Andy French]

As a secondary note, speaking from my own experiences...

The PMs that I send are polite, and usually (95% of the time) relevant to the user's RT. The messages I send aren't basic like "I saw your thread, lets fuck in RP.", are polite, and are always either asking about specific topics from their request thread, or a variation of them. Yet I find that 80% (or more) of my PMs are seen, and then never replied too.

Is this normal? Do I have Virtual BO and people can smell me? Am I just being overly sensitive about this?

 

[Chalarm]

I personally don't find it rude when I don't get a respone the first time, I just take it as a 'not interested.' Of course I would prefer a short reply but I feel like with the first message there isn't any repore between me and them so they have no requirement to say anything.

What I do hate is when I don't get a response after I have been RPing with them for a month or so yet still see them online. That I do find rude.

 

[redstars]

I'm the kind of person who can get anxious over nothing, so personally I prefer a reply telling me the person just isn't interested. Of course I'll feel disappointed but it's better than holding out hope for nothing. Then I can simply move on, look at another request thread and hope the next time works out better.

 

[Andy French]

Then I can simply move on, look at another request thread and hope the next time works out better.

That's how I feel! If they aren't interested and tell me I'm usually perfectly fine with it, say "Ok." and move on.

 

[obieblu]

I really do think there is a component of reciprocity started by the RT OP. They post and basically ask 'the world' to contact them if they meet X criteria. As long as I reasonably do meet those criteria, I do as they ask. It's that simple. You asked me to contact you. You put time and effort into asking me to contact you. I didn't use a random phone number generator to text a stranger totally out of the blue. So, yes. I fulfilled step 1 of their request. I do feel they owe me 5 seconds to say "Sorry, not a good fit".

Now, for why it's rude. We're at a party together, therefore, we do have something in common, even if it's just knowing the host. I approach politely and try to make conversation. You turn to the side and flat out ignore me. Unless I did something rude first, you're rude. If you don't want people to talk to you, don't go to the party.

There's no way that not answering a decent RT reply isn't rude if it was translated into any face-to-face interaction. I hold myself an others to about the same social standards online as in person. Some rando hits me up on Facebook because I commented on a Buzzfeed article, no. I'm not obligated to reply. I listed my apartment on Facebook last December, and I didn't feel like showing the place to every person who responded. If they seemed super annoying, I did the courtesy of letting them know that I wasn't interested, as I absolutely did ask people to contact me about that. I have manners. I showed them, whether or not I wanted a Thousand-Question Karen in my home.

As for excuses, an anxiety disorder is about the only reason I'll somewhat accept. However, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety and depression, and even before being medicated, I still managed to say "Thanks for contacting me, but I think we're not a good fit". Even if they're worse, I gotta wonder why someone who is struggling so much mentally that they can't do that minimum is out here inviting strangers to contact them... I don't feel guilty when I can't answer the phone because of a Flight reaction, but 90% of the time, I didn't ask them to call me, and I call those I did back when I'm able.

I just don't buy that one shouldn't maintain basic manners while online nor most excuses about why they don't.

 

[Daleeria]

If someone just PMs me with a 'hey' or something irrelevant to my RT (or even when my RT isn't active because I'm not looking for partners), I feel like at that point I reserve the right to ignore. If it's relevant to me, I try to reply with a not interested. Sometimes my inbox gets clogged up and I don't get to everyone.

Basically: yeah I think it's more polite for someone to say not interested especially if you technically met their 'qualifications' but I don't think for a first intro pm it's always warranted or necessary depending on how many hits they get.

 

[Cantarella]

Honestly, I can admit that it irks me, but I can't say with any certainty if it counts as "rude". I rarely reach out to people, and have had something that started from such advances less than a handful of times, let alone long-term ones. My views on this have changed over the past few months since my return from hiatus, same with how I saw ghostings.

As Greyscale above me said, no one owes me anything. If my partner no longer wants to play with me, for any reason, they are more than welcome to drop me at any time, no questions asked. I don't want to foster any sense of obligation, be it for posts, or timelines on posts, or anything else. The last thing I want to do is foster animosity via urging someone to do something they don't want to do. Same goes for my initial approaches. I am aware that I am initially really awkward with new people, and I believe this could be the reason I tended to get ignored too, but in all honesty, it hardly matters. The message is clear: I was not what they were looking for in a partner, and that was the beginning and end of it.

That said, I have ignored messages from people before, be it because I felt pressured to perform, it was clear we didn't mesh in terms of writing style, kinks, or what we wanted from the story, or if I got general bad vibes.

I think, what people tend to forget, is that this is a hobby, not a job. It's best not to get too riled up about stuff like this.

 

[Cuttlephobia]

I think it's best to take silence as "not interested".
I'd actually prefer to be ignored, because it's a lot easier to take just not getting a response, than logging in and seeing that little red flag and having it turn out to be a rejection.
And like, for me, I would tend to ignore people I'm just not interested in, because, if you respond "Not interested", that opens the door to them being like, "Why?" and maybe you just don't want to deal with that.

I'm actually ruder when I do respond because usually I just send back a "Nah".

Now, if I think the person is cool and they just happened to send me an idea I'm not vibing with, I'll reply that I'm just not into that idea.

But yeah, I don't lose any sleep over no responses. There's always more request threads to look at.

 

[Adjacent Blood]

As others have said above 'nope'. I'd even go so far as to argue that its the expecting or feeling entitled to a reply that's actually 'rude'.

But rude is a subjective and contextual term which varies from culture to culture and person to person, so it's not an argument I'd see much worth in having.

 

[Revelations]

I don't personally see it as rude, as others have stated. Not getting a response on an idea or partner you're jazzed about can suck pretty hard, sure. But at the end of the day, if they aren't interested, nothing's going to change that. Am I owed a 'No thanks'? I don't think so. Is it nice to get? Certainly, but it's not a necessity. There are many things in life that one doesn't get finality out of, and of them I'd consider an RP request being unanswered to be an annoying but insignificant thing.

 

[Jericho Z. Barrons]

I've been told several times by others that "No, thank you," is rude. So I don't even know.

Silence isn't hurting anybody.

 

[Lady Irony]

It depends. If someone cold calls me or just writes "wanna RP" or proposes some idea that proves they haven't read anything I've written than no, I won't respond. Same with people who send a really un- enticing PM. RP is all about being able to communicate in writing, if they can't write a decent intro and pitch than it does not inspire me.

 

[Mint]

It's all about how much effort they put in their initial response. Many times I'll get people just throwing a random idea at me when they clearly haven't put the effort to read my RT or even anything about me or what I like. In those cases, especially those who pitch ideas that make me very uncomfortable (non-con, etc.), clearly just seeing me as a device to get their rocks off, I will just ignore the message. It sounds mean, but I think it's more 'mean' to ignore everything that makes me uncomfortable. So in those cases, I don't find it rude at all to ignore.

But if someone clearly went through the time to look over your thread, give effort in their initial response but you just don't click- don't have the time for another partner, etc. I would find it a little rude not to at least say 'No thanks,' or 'Not right now,'. It really just depends on the situtuation, I like to treat people with the same amount of respect they give me after all. So you can look at it like 'did they actually TRY in their initial response?' or did they just 'copy paste their own idea and throw it into my PM box', that should be your deciding factor in how you respond to the message.

But that's just my opinion after all.

 

[Deante]

Yes, I see it as rude. It costs you nothing to say "Thank you for the interest, but I'm going to pass" or even "I already have an interested partner for that idea".

While I understand that some people want to avoid abuse, you can do that by simply not reading any follow-up replies. But honestly I can't think of the last time someone got upset by me simply saying "No thanks".

 

[Brutal]

Heh. It might not cost you anything, Deante, but in my opinion, for others, it can cost them a great deal of time or stress/anxiety that they could simply avoid. Not to mention they probably jus' have a lot of messages coming in. Sometimes I get like 30+ messages inquiring about the same RP, I am NOT going to go down the list telling 29 people no.

Same goes for a job, yeah? You put the app in but you only get called if you get the job. Why call to tell you that you didn't?

 

[Lady Irony]

Same goes for a job, yeah? You put the app in but you only get called if you get the job. Why call to tell you that you didn't?

Because a lot of people won't just accept that and start asking why they didn't get the job. What they could have done better etc

 

[RubyXEssence]

Because a lot of people won't just accept that and start asking why they didn't get the job. What they could have done better etc

I was legitimately taught that we should do that in Uni for some reason. "Ask what would have made you a better candidate."

As for the messaging, it used to bother me but I'm fine with it now. I try to at least courtesy reply when I'm on the receiving end.

 

[Lady Irony]

I was legitimately taught that we should do that in Uni for some reason. "Ask what would have made you a better candidate."

As for the messaging, it used to bother me but I'm fine with it now. I try to at least courtesy reply when I'm on the receiving end.

Yeah, they teach a lot of things in school/Uni that don't apply in the real world. Some employers just reject candidates for reasons that have nothing to do with the person's qualifications and experience. Therefore asking what would have made you a better candidate doesn't count for much because you might have had everything they were looking for but for various reasons you still didn't make the final cut.

Some employers also only read the first 50 or whatever applications and send the same (if they send anything at all) rejection to everyone else!

 

[RubyXEssence]

Oh absolutely, I learned that pretty quickly in the real world. I maybe got an answer twice out of all the applications I ever sent in. That was one of the least practical pieces of advice I ever got from career counseling while I was earning my degree.

 

[Lady Irony]

Oh absolutely, I learned that pretty quickly in the real world. I maybe got an answer twice out of all the applications I ever sent in. That was one of the least practical pieces of advice I ever got from career counseling while I was earning my degree.

When I was younger I was trying to find work making sandwiches in cafes etc. They would always want experience and I had none. I wondered how much experience one needs to do that but anyway. I had a friend whose parents owned a coffee shop and they gave me a reference said I could say I worked for them and I applied for more jobs now being able to say (falsely) that I had experience and guess what?

They said my experience wasn't recent enough!!!! Like what the fuck?! Some people just think they need a brain surgeon to do the most basic task. On the bright side it made me realize hospitality was a joke of an industry and even though I did find work in it I moved on due to seeing that. So even negatives can be positive.

 

[RubyXEssence]

My pet peeve when I was a recent graduate was entry level jobs asking for absurd years worth of experience as though that was something the average fresh graduate would have. 5 years experience needed, entry level job. I genuinely don't understand.

 

[Sugarcupcake]

It depends, I personally do reply, even if the person had ignored all of what I said in my threads and proceeded to ask me if I wanted to RP something I’m obviously not into.

 

[DayOne]

I actually would rather be declined (respectfully hopefully) than ignored. But these days, I honestly get it. Why waste your time when you probably know it's not a good fit? Though I will admit, some of the best RPs have come from me giving some a chance. Case by case for me.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

I really do think there is a component of reciprocity started by the RT OP. They post and basically ask 'the world' to contact them if they meet X criteria. As long as I reasonably do meet those criteria, I do as they ask. It's that simple. You asked me to contact you. You put time and effort into asking me to contact you. I didn't use a random phone number generator to text a stranger totally out of the blue. So, yes. I fulfilled step 1 of their request. I do feel they owe me 5 seconds to say "Sorry, not a good fit".

Now, for why it's rude. We're at a party together, therefore, we do have something in common, even if it's just knowing the host. I approach politely and try to make conversation. You turn to the side and flat out ignore me. Unless I did something rude first, you're rude. If you don't want people to talk to you, don't go to the party.

There's no way that not answering a decent RT reply isn't rude if it was translated into any face-to-face interaction. I hold myself an others to about the same social standards online as in person. Some rando hits me up on Facebook because I commented on a Buzzfeed article, no. I'm not obligated to reply. I listed my apartment on Facebook last December, and I didn't feel like showing the place to every person who responded. If they seemed super annoying, I did the courtesy of letting them know that I wasn't interested, as I absolutely did ask people to contact me about that. I have manners. I showed them, whether or not I wanted a Thousand-Question Karen in my home.

As for excuses, an anxiety disorder is about the only reason I'll somewhat accept. However, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety and depression, and even before being medicated, I still managed to say "Thanks for contacting me, but I think we're not a good fit". Even if they're worse, I gotta wonder why someone who is struggling so much mentally that they can't do that minimum is out here inviting strangers to contact them... I don't feel guilty when I can't answer the phone because of a Flight reaction, but 90% of the time, I didn't ask them to call me, and I call those I did back when I'm able.

I just don't buy that one shouldn't maintain basic manners while online nor most excuses about why they don't.

You've hit my thoughts on this topic almost exactly; getting no response to a message leaves me with the same feeling as if going to a party and seeing someone who has been at least passive agressive to me, and then having whole rooms of the party I just need to consciously avoid. It also continues to enhance my anxiety in that there are many people on here with multiple accounts (to each their own) and so I can see someone who is slightly similar in interests and style to someone who I did not get a reply from which then ups my anxiety related to whether I'm being ignored by multiple people, or just one person repeatedly.