Handling Ghosting on the First Post

[Strange Days]

I don't know if it'd count as ghosting but I find it somewhat annoying when people that I ended things with early on (on good terms most of the time) due to getting overwhelmed with RL keep trying to reach out for small talk despite us not having been close in the slightest. So, I rarely end up replying to that kind of message - especially multiple pokes.

Obviously that changes if it's a long-time partner getting back in touch with me, or wanting to know how things are going. That makes me pretty happy, the former doesn't.

And back to the topic at hand : I think I mostly ended things/ghosted when a starter was wildly different from what the person said they could put out OOC (e.g. being given a run-on behemoth of a starter filled to the brim with horrible grammar, spelling mistakes and odd punctuation/capitalization) or it tried to auto-pilot MC into a wish-fulfillment scenario.

I'm not that bothered by being left on read. If it happens I usually wait for a week or so, then wish 'em the best, if we chatted for a bit, or simply fade out of existence otherwise.

 

[Seranda]

The fact that 13 living people (or alt accounts) see no issue with Ghosting is morbid.

 

[Saber]

The fact that 13 living people (or alt accounts) see no issue with Ghosting is morbid.

Not really, personally I just understand that people have lives and I'm not gonna spend any of my time worrying about a person I have no control over or shame them when it's really not worth it.

 

[Revelations]

Ghosting is what it is. I don't hound people for replies, and if they respond, awesome. If not, that's a bummer. Maybe they got busy, maybe they lost interest, maybe they hate me. I'll accept a partner back if they ghosted me and message me later. No real hard feelings. No one 'owes' me their time.

When I get ghosted on a first post, that's not the most enjoyable feeling but you move on. There's no sense in getting angry over something like RP.

 

[Sync]

The fact that 13 living people (or alt accounts) see no issue with Ghosting is morbid.

No...I think it's more like 13 living people (or alt accounts) choosing to not get bent out of shape over a minor setback in a hobby.

 

[freya.]

No...I think it's more like 13 living people (or alt accounts) choosing to not get bent out of shape over a minor setback in a hobby.

This so much; I had my son 6 months ago so I’m no stranger to life getting overwhelming. Sometimes people just have other things and priorities. If the worst thing to happen in an RP situation is getting ghosted, I’d say that’s such a small thing to get your panties in a twist over. I’d much rather be ghosted, even on the first post, than have a conflict arise over anything.

Like Sync put it so well; it’s a hobby, not a job. I don’t chase people down, and if someone can’t accept my erratic schedule currently that’s not my fault or something I can control.

You win some, you lose some. No skin off my back.

 

[Alan23]

Personally I see it as just part of this art form. Occasionally you get partners who are all fired up in the OOC planning stage, then lose momentum when they actually have to either shit or get off the can. Personally, I think a heads up at this stage saying they don't want to continue is the polite thing to do rather than just ghosting - but it's not that big of a deal. I just treat such people as I do anyone who ghosts me under any circumstances - add them to my list of those who I will never RP with again and move on.

 

[Saber]

Let's remember that this thread is supposed to be how you handle ghosting after the first post, not your opinions on ghosting.

 

[Seranda]

I have deleted the post

 

[Aethernaut]

Eh, it just sucks but there's nothing you can do. There's no sense in even complaining about it, it's gonna happen regardless to everybody in this hobby. Sometimes you just summon up a lot of emotional energy for nothing. Just how it is.

 

[SoleAccord]

Nothing reduces it; if someone decides they want to bounce, that's out of your hands.

All I do is drop the first reply, and ask for feedback to make sure everything is understood. The character is doing as discussed, the stage is set, and there are no misunderstandings between us regarding what has happened and what is going to happen. No point having a conversation if they can't even tell you everything checks out and they'll continue when time allows. At that point, they're lowkey doing you a favor lol. If you like the introduction you wrote but it's clear they're not going to continue, keep it and use it somewhere else then. You can control how you respond to people, but you can't control how they respond to you.

 

[The_PG]

People ghost in real life so much nowadays (classes, dates, jobs, etc), it's a shame it's bled over so heavily into a hobby where, like many have already said, you'd think people would not do that because they are having fun doing what they want to do.

It used to not bother me in the slightest, because ghosting generally meant the person had ghosted the entire website, but nowadays it's so bad people will literally read your message, and go post in their RT thread, and never bother to contact you again. Like everyone else, I'm at a loss to understand that. I get people are scared of bad reactions, but there is literally a function to leave the chat and block the person built into the website, and at least that gives closure.

Unfortunately I don't have the answer either, eventually, hopefully, we all find the right types of partners.

I know the cynical side of me wants to post all their names, and shame them, but that's obviously rule breaking. I wonder if doing the opposite would be a possibility? Create a list of known "Responders" and create a badge (signature or otherwise) that people could use to display the fact that they will respond, either in the negative or positive, to any message sent in good faith. (IE, non-rule breaking, friendly, and honestly seeking to write).

 

[littlelovelost]

I don't care if I get ghosted. I'll just take my opener and reuse it, and you best believe that I'll use any of your ideas that I liked during the OOC brainstorming phase, too. xD

The thing is, we're all just strangers on the internet, essentially using each other for enjoyment of our hobby. At that early stage, we don't owe each other anything, and nobody is *entitled* to anything more from you. If an established partner was to ghost me, sure, I might feel some kind of way about it. But someone I exchanged a handful of PMs with over the course of a day or two? Hardly.

There are many reasons to ghost on a first post. For me, it's not something I've done at all often, but when I have, it comes down to two reasons: 1. you've made me uncomfortable, or 2. you've just thrown out everything we've agreed upon and just pleased/suited yourself. In the past I've tried to communicate that to the other writer, and was met with defensiveness, arguments and in one case, horrible abuse. So, nah.

I understand that it's a sensitive topic and everyone is entitled to feel whatever way they want to feel about it, but they're not entitled to project that onto anyone else. Recently, here on BMR, I got a PM from a member that was basically like, "I like your RT! But here's my cut and paste pitch that has nothing to do with your kinks and has nothing that you asked for in your RT. [Insert blurb]." Now, I know this person does blanket c&p pitches, like many here do, despite it being against the rules. I PMed back a simple question and got a response. I then forgot about it completely until a couple of days later when I got a "bump" PM (literally a private message that just said the word 'bump', nothing else), and then the following day a message saying "I'll take this as you ghosting me". I'm sorry, what? So I noped out of the thread and blocked, because apparently now not replying to a PM pitch constitutes ghosting. That's just ridiculous to me.

 

[Suicide]

There's nothing you can do about it. You can't demand a response or explanation as to why they didn't respond. I mean you can, sort of but you still probably won't get what you are wanting.

I've been ghosted on first post or early on into RP's, some reasons as below;

1/ Partner is a flake and does it a lot.
2/ Partner doesn't like what I wrote or feels intimidated to write with me for whatever reason.
3/ Partner has had some kind of emergency or life event that has taken them away - one annoying example was a partner who was going back to college in a few days but started a RP with me anyway and then dropped it a few posts in.
4/ Not enough discussion/prep work done for RP ie I have had potential partners who just want to start RP's without much or any discussion and when I go to write, I realize I don't even know their characters name.

Reasons I have ghosted on first or a few posts in;

1/ What partner is writing doesn't make sense.
2/ Partner is writing things that weren't discussed or actually against what was agreed upon.
3/ Partner doesn't seem to grasp the concept of the story that was agreed upon.
4/ Partner wants to shoehorn in every kink they have or rushes to sex scenes despite assuring me they like plot and character development.

 

[Wapato]

TL;DR version, maybe you're just too sexy for people's better sense

‐‐--------

I don't know if it helps, but you might take it not as much as a put down of your post but more like a compliment to your request threads.

I find a lot of the female request threads highly enticing. Frankly better than a lot of erotica out there and they send your mind spinning off on the amazing times you'd have together.

If I had just a bit worse impulse control I'd be setting up games left and right.

But if I did that the reality of the time it takes to create a "semi lit" post especially when you have to keep re-reading theirs and their RT and OOC posts setting it up, while complying with their expectations, would come crashing down on me. I have a life and demands on my time. Something would have to give. It would make sense to drop the ball on the games that I've invested the least in.

 

[tsukasa]

The fact that 13 living people (or alt accounts) see no issue with Ghosting is morbid.

Enough said. And, sadly, this hobby has been dying across the entire internet because of this over the last few years because it's all people do.

Lose interest? Sure; it even happens to me. Not inform your partner(s) who have spent their time, which, unlike other resources such as money, they will never get back? Absolutely not; it's despicable.

And no, most cases don't have an excuse, because even at my worst of times, I can still be bothered and considerate enough to let my partner(s) know. It takes literally 10 seconds. If I can do it while under crushing pressure and depression IRL, so can everyone else.

The worst part is how people like this cause issues as deep as depression, yet repeat offenders with no evidence of repeat "problems" get away with it while the victims (because that's what we are) are shamed for caring about what happened to them. Just imagine if you found someone IRL you looked forward to going out with; you'd feel the same way; it's nothing but hypocritical and contradictory to say what happens here is different to that; we are real people and this is no different to anything else we could be doing.

Don't want to play the game? Don't start the game.

 

[Amante]

I’ve accepted it as just a natural part of this hobby; you can pre-plot and chat OOC as much as you like, but the only true test to see if you’re gonna mesh with a writer or idea is to see the genuine article, and the opener is that.

To me, an RP isn’t ‘real’ or ‘started’ until both writers have made a post. I appreciate a heads up if someone sees the opener and just isn’t vibing, but if not it is what it is.

 

[Shades.of.Disaster]

As someone who has a history of ghosting... I actually have a warning on my thread... My #1 reason for ghosting has nothing to do with lost interest, or issues with kinks, or my partner's writing... It's mostly due to my own mental health. Sometimes I don't even see it coming... It hits, and I'm doing good to function as a human being much less log in here and explain that to everyone I was writing with.

Mental health can also make it really difficult to "just have those hard conversations". I do my best, when it is just an issue of losing interest, or a problem with kinks or styles... To have that conversation. Sometimes people are understanding, you can wish each other the best, and move on. But... It's that small percentage of people that lose their minds over it that make it nearly impossible.

This was particularly about ghosting after the 1st post though, so... I have done this. For me, personally... I'm not sure there is a nice way of saying it, but... the quality of the writing in the first post was not what I thought I was getting.

Sometimes I do reach out and politely tell them that "I don't think our writing styles are compatible", but if I my anxiety is already up I'm not going to risk making it worse. I've also tried to muddle through a few posts, thinking it would get better, and it didn't... I still ended up in the same situation, but more anxious because now I feel like I have wasted their time, and it's going to be even more discouraging.

As for myself... I don't recall ever being ghosted after my first post. I have had someone bow out after my opening post because my character was "too damaged" for them. I was frustrated (we exchanged backstories & bios before we started writing), but I respected their decision and wished them well.

As others have suggested... Taking your time and really thoroughly discussing the plot, characters, kinks, etc and making sure you are both fully on the same page is a great way to prevent issues. I am also trying to get into the habit of asking for writing samples (and supplying my own). But.. sometimes it just happens, and it may have absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

[Deranged]

I remember when I started out, it always made me raise a brow and probably put a kink in my fine mood too That's when I learned to 'screen' a lot harder before attempting to start anything with anyone. I developed a fairly successful strategy over the years for handling ghosters and would be ghosters. You see, (no offense at all to the people that prefer to write this way) I'ma be completely honest and say that most of my experiences with ghosters (most of which came in my first four years on major rp forums), came from people with a... How to put it; 'Small-scale' approach to this game. I'm talking; people whose starters and posts could be slapped together in a couple of minutes tops. It's not surprising to me too, because the mental and emotional involvements that goes into most of their works are so comparatively neglible, they have a very good chance of actually FORGETTING some post they made just ten minutes ago, COMPLETELY. Again, I'm no fan of stereotypes at all; I'm not saying that it's the rule for people who prefer to play like this, I'm just stating my observations.

On the other side of the coin, those of us that find ghosting as the invariably classless act that it is (C'mon, let's call a spade, a spade lol), tend to be people that put a lot of emotional and mental investment into their work, as well as value their precious free time. Most of us aren't pros, and I'm sure all of us do this for fun, but ghosting is literally the opposite of fun for the big investors like me. Generally, I try to decipher the overall 'vibe' of anyone that contacts me, or I'm about to contact for rp, before reaching out. I do this over the course of our pm discussions too. The moment I get that 'lax' vibe from anyone, I adopt one of two options. I either reduce the amount of mental efforts I invest in the partnership— making it much easier to cut them loose if they act up, or i just politely end it once I'm convinced that they're high-risk for ghosting.

Everyone has a life behind the screen, I don't need to be reminded of that, because mine's demanding enough to ensure that every second I spent on this and other forums, are clawed out, and precious. I came here to write too, not to wonder if someone who COMMUNICATED with me to start something, is gonna reply or not.

I find ghosting immature as hell. Most people make this about having to give an essay on why you're not gonna be available to play for the foreseeable future. I speak for myself, but I'm certain most that feel the same way about ghosting, also share this sentiment; I'm not interested in hearing all about how life's kicking your ass. If we're close enough, and you took the effort to add that in your heads-up, I'm gonna respect you a lot more. However, the base minimum I want is for you to gimme a little; "Hey man, can't play for the foreseeable future, sorry." Hell, hang it on your profile even for all your partners, it doesn't even have to be personal.

These days, I also have my partners start (I suck ass at it anyway). It helps me gauge a lot about the path our partnership would take. That way, you hit me with a pebble of a post, I can comfortably hit you with one back. If I'm ghosted after that, well, there's a good chance my brain deletes everything about you on a whim. As in, your username wouldn't be the lightning that strikes me twice, lmao.

This has gotten awfully long already, but it must be said; there are people that may have been caught completely off-guard by life. These people mostly have the maturity to reach out and explain things, and that, really tugs at the strings of my respect, and forgiveness with great success. The people I don't care any bit for, are the ones that vanish without making any attempt to reach out after, or even if they did, make it sound like they were doing me a favor for coming back. Like no! Lmao! Keep your immature presence away from me, thank you. I don't enjoy the flavor of brazen disrespect. That's why I respect others to the best of my ability.

It's not rocket science, it's a matter of commonsense and etiquette; if we communicated to start something, it only makes sense that we communicate to end it, or put it on hold.

 

[Astral Rayne]

The way to handle it is to essentially accept that they have done it and move in, no other real way to do it. Wastes your time to do much else.

 

[Saber]

This is another reminder that the purpose of this thread is how people handle ghosting on the first post. Not an individual's feelings on ghosting. If members cannot stay on topic this thread will be locked.

 

[MisterKing]

If I was excited about it, I weep

If I think my post was particularly well-written, I save it in case I need a sample for advertising purposes

 

[SinnersSalvation]

If I was excited about it, I weep

If I think my post was particularly well-written, I save it in case I need a sample for advertising purposes

Be careful about sharing how you feel. The admins will yell at you for sharing your feelings about ghosting rather than just what you do to deal with it.

 

[Nihilistic_Impact]

What the admins want to avoid is people casting moral judgement against other members for not holding to a particular standard that is not part of the site rules.

Now to be on topic, I can't really say this particular has ever happened to me but if it were I'd be alright. The idea worked on would still be undeveloped and so easier to work to a final state. Verse some idea that lingered and had another individual building upon it. To me any attempt to try and replicate what had been lost would be judged against what was or could have been.

 

[SinnersSalvation]

What the admins want to avoid is people casting moral judgement against other members for not holding to a particular standard that is not part of the site rules.

Now to be on topic, I can't really say this particular has ever happened to me but if it were I'd be alright. The idea worked on would still be undeveloped and so easier to work to a final state. Verse some idea that lingered and had another individual building upon it. To me any attempt to try and replicate what had been lost would be judged against what was or could have been.

You just cast your own moral judgement by saying you'd be alright with it. But whatever you say.