Handling Ghosting on the First Post

[Veiled_Desire]

Greetings everyone. I recently had an experience with this topic and I wanted to see how everyone else handles it. As an initial matter, I think it is important to remember that we all get very passionate about writing and that this thread should make sure to stay in line with the rules of Bluemoon. With that being said, please make sure that any discussions involved do not violate

Rule 12

12. When it come to status updates/profile posts; do not use status updates to air dirty laundry, vague or otherwise. In other words, do not post messages negatively targeting or calling out other users or user behaviors, whether you use their names or not. Please keep flirting to a minimum, do not post excessively lewd images or language, everything posted on profile statuses must be SFW. The profile posts are publicly viewed and show up on the front page of the site, so all status updates should follow the same standards as avatars and signatures. NSFW links should be marked as such when posted. Don't rapid fire talk over status updates, and don't post to the walls of multiple people one after the other, as this takes up the entire visible profile post section of the site.

With that being said, I wanted to see how people react to this happening and how it effects their writing going forward. I, unfortunately, have ghosted stories in the past due to my own personal issues, but I have never ghosted a first post. I have, on the other hand, had many writers ghost my opening posts. While I can say that no one has an obligation to write with you, and that people are allowed to lose interest and move on, it does seem particularly painful to spend hours discussing a plot and planning out a full blown story with someone only to have them not only ignore your first post, but seem to drop off the face of the planet entirely.

I have tried to minimize this from happening by having posts in threads to show people how I tend to write as well as to ask plenty of questions before starting, and yet it doesn't seem to make too much of a difference.

So have you ever found strategies to work that help reduce first post ghosting? Have you continued to try and reach out to the person after they don't respond?

Another issue I have run into is when to check in on my partner. Sometimes I can send a full post that took me a few hours to write only to not hear back at all. A few days can pass and then suddenly I get a response, or it can be weeks with nothing. I don't want to spam someone's inbox and ask if they got the first post or not, but at the same time I would like to know if they are interested in writing.

So have you found a good strategy for seeing if the first post was acceptable without seeming desperate and needy for a response?

 

[thymoit]

The first post from both players is rather critical. I've been ghosted on the first post before. I think what can happen is that not enough discussion went on before the first post. Your writing partner might have been vaguely interested, but drop a large and enthusiastic first post for them and they may be overwhelmed. Especially if it focuses on some themes/kinks that they were uncertain about. It's only then that they realize that the storyline is going in a direction that they don't like. Maybe it's emphasizing the wrong kink or just hitting some dislikes. Not one they had on their list. Sometimes we don't realize we don't like something until it's in our face. Maybe they don't feel their character fits into the large post that was made, or that their response is almost dictated.

*shrug* I don't really know, but I think that as eager as we can be to jump into a roleplay sometimes it's better to discuss more before diving in. I also try to emphasize that any post I make isn't set in stone until after my partner replies. So, if I do something and it really rubs them the wrong way, or they just think a slight twist would make it hotter - message me in the OOC PM.

It's not entirely on either player, but those are my thoughts on why some roleplays stumble coming out of the gate.

 

[Sync]

Yup, I've been ghosted after my opening post. I never ghost another after their opening post - I entered into the partnership to write, and I cannot do that if I ghost someone.

However, you move on. This is a hobby, not a career.

 

[Saber]

I've had partners not reply to an opening post. I have a personal rule that they get a month to contact me before I consider the thread dead. I do not contact them and complain about it or make a fuss because everyone had their own reason for not replying even they don't realize it.

You rally and move on. I used to dwell on things like that, but it made rping less fun so I just forgive and carry on.

 

[Solo]

Doesn't bother me one bit, to be honest. I don't ditch now (though my replies are so sparse I can see why people would assume I do, even if I put it plainly that it takes me forever to reply and I don't ditch without saying something first) but it used to be a bad habit of mine a few years back. For me, being a bit pickier with the stories I take on has helped this immensely. I understand the impulse to take on as many as I can get just so I always have something to do, but it's easy for that to become overwhelming.

If someone ditches, I don't really think twice about it. If we have a friendship OOC that's lasted a while, I might just let them know I'm fine to put the RP on the backburner for as long as they need, but I usually don't really reach out unless we're friends OOC. If we're just writing partners and someone doesn't respond (which is almost always the case if you're only at the point to send the starter) I just store the intro for future use and move on.

I'm a serial post-reuser though. If I have an intro that fits the plot I'm seeking I'm almost always going to want to use it just so it gets some use.

 

[thymoit]

Honestly, what pisses me off more is people who post in On-Site roleplay, and in their very first post the phrase "do you discord" is included in their reply. I reply no, and I'm ghosted after that. I don't report them because I can't prove they ghosted me for an unwillingness to go Off-Site instead of not liking something else I said and ghosting me for that. I just find it suspicious to be ghosted immediately after refusing discord by players advertising in the On-Site forum.

 

[Murdergurl]

I've ghosted and been ghosted on the first reply. Though, with myself my ghosting tendencies tend to happen a little after the first post. Maybe the second or third after I've concretely decided that I'm really not feeling the vibe of the RP. But it really doesn't bother me to be ghosted. I accept it as an occurrence intrinsic to he hobby. I do it, others do it. I've been sent angry PMs because I ghosted. To which, I'm obviously not going to respond to an angry PM. I work customer service, irl. I get enough of angry people all day long. lol

We all have our reasons, and ghosting shouldn't be something to get all bent out of shape over. I've read some people's comments on the subject in other threads and it seems like it really infuriates them. It's really not a big deal. Like @Solo said, you can recycle posts. and I take any significant writing that has been abandoned as an opportunity for salvage and rehash. I forget about it and move on. No sense in wasting energy, and I harbor no ill will at anyone that's ghosted me for any reason. And I would hope that the same could be reciprocated (though realistically, I know it probably isn't the case).

 

[Lonely Secrets]

Yup, it happens. Can happen for any number of reasons, as discussed here.

One fun pattern I've encountered: the type of person who wants me to send them links to various graphic images demonstrating the kinds of kinks and etc included I'd like in our RP. Inevitably this kind of person ghosts when it's time to actually post. It's like c'mon, are you just using this site as some way to add to your spank bank?

Another one I'll throw out: over my (far too many) years of RPing, I've learned that there is a type of person who likes the idea of RPing a lot more than the act of RPing. They're very excited about the brainstorming and the possibilities and will throw out all sorts of long term plans because it's fresh and new and full of potential. But when it comes time to actually put the pen (or whatever) to work... well, that's a lot less exciting. So they just move on to the next new thing.

 

[Blackmane]

Don't think its a big deal. Whether its on the first post or the tenth, 30%~ of my roleplays fizzle out every week whether things are going well or not. Most people don't stick around.

Rather than getting mad over the 90% that eventually goes nowhere, I'd rather be happy for the 10% that do.

 

[goldensky]

I've kind of learned to roll with the punches. Sometimes I've made the mistake of not replying because I either forgot or have my intro saved as a draft, so I get if people don't reply.

 

[princeofsmut]

I've got to be honest, it hurts a little when it happens. Especially if you have had chatted up the plot already. To me it feels like the person has just gotten up from the table and walked out without explaining what went wrong. Is it too hard to drop something like "Hey, sorry, I don't think our dynamic is clicking for me as I hoped." or just drop a white lie "Sorry, I can't continue. RL is being difficult. I will get back if I can."

 

[MaxMax]

It's mildly annoying at this point, but nothing bad, no bad blood. I'm approaching it from two axioms:

1. It is a weakness to ghost somebody after the first post. It is always better to explain why, and it is indeed making me a better writer – if I can explain to somebody else why I did not like their first post to the degree that I want to stop the roleplay.
2. However, this is a hobby. I'm not a writer, and I would not starve or be unable to perform my duties if I were a weak writer.

It is better for the ghosting party to sit down and explain why. But they don't owe me or themselves an explanation, so you know – who cares?

I make myself explain, though I'm quite proud of myself – these days I know if I'll like my partner's writing style by the time we start actual writing. I'm still not a good enough player/writer, and most of my stories are unfinished or written in a place where it's hard to continue, and we usually stop there.

In the end, if somebody ghosts you, it says more about them being unable to find a roleplay.

 

[Baka]

While I try my best to not ghost anyone in general there have been some starters that I have never bothered answering, granted none of them have been on here.

The biggest reason why I have done this is simple. They clearly disrespect my limits or pull a stunt that immediately puts me off from replying to them. Most common one I can think of is something I like to call 'bait and switch', in which I have been promised a slow-burn story, but I'm immediately greeted with extremely sexual starter, when explicitly planned that nothing sexual will happen quite a while. Some other reasons I can think of are god-moding (which in one case escalated the partner basically skipping the whole planned story and buildup with two paragraphs so that they could rail my character at the gym locker room) or a partner trying to (not so) sneakily insert one of my no's into the starter.

Of course reasons for ghosting are far and varied and change from person to person. I definitely never mind if my partner hits me with 'Sent the starter! Let me know if anything needs to be changed etc.' after they have sent it on my way, or a confirmation message asking if I've received it after a week or so, but again I can only speak for myself.

As for have I gotten ghosted after sending a starter? Yes. Many times. I just see it as a part of this whole hobby and shrug it off. Of course it's a bit sad to see a good idea, OOC-chat and/or all the planning go to waste, but if the idea was something I liked I just recycle it and try again with someone else, same if I created a character I really liked.

I think that there's also very little you can do to prevent this like ghosting in general. Asking if your starter was good from them is really the only way, but you can never be sure if you get a reply to that inquiry either.

 

[bodman54]

I've never ghosted someone after the first post, because a lot of the times I'm starting off, but I have been ghosted a few times. I try not to hold it against the person because I know it is just a hobby but I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. I'm obviously always jazzed to start a rp but it sucks to be left hanging. So I'll usually ignore that person and move on with my life.

 

[EtherealElvenEmpress]

I’ve had someone do this not once
,not twice , but THRICE! They came back to try it the fourth time but either way if they do this to me I just put them on my note pad ignore list and move on if they don’t care enough to tell me why they go sit and keep coming back I just walk away and move on it’s not worth the trouble to deal with it.
I know life happens but if it becomes a habit I just move on and just put that person in there don’t go near them area and it’s helped my mental health so much on every site I’ve used!

I’ve luckily been pretty fortunate on this site but it happens a lot on other sites I’ve just learned to move along and just try again

 

[Silver]

I have personally ghosted three times, one as a result of remarks I made during planning being entirely disregarded and a story taking a turn that was not originally intended. Once again as a result of losing motivation, and once while planning as a result of forgetting and being buried by other messages. I've been ghosted as well, one I feel is fully my own fault, planning a story while moving and things happening in life and delaying my opening post, I believe by the time I had finally got it out too much time had passed and they simply washed their hands and moved on without a word; Even when I had let them know what was going on and gave updates of when I was planning to post.

Sometimes it's disappointing when you thought the concept was fantastic and couldn't wait to see how the characters would interact and grow from one another. But all you can do is accept it and have faith that something else is waiting for you. Hopefully with not too much downtime before a new story/idea comes.

 

[song]

i'm pretty sure this has happened to me and i'm also pretty sure i have done this pre-returning from hiatus. it was probably forgetfulness or just life in general hitting me when i least expected it, then it advanced to the point where i felt too awkward to come back and explain the situation (which i would never do now that i am at a more consistent phase in my life).

if it happened to me now, i wouldn't think much of it. i've contemplated making a compilation of starters for my own personal reference and for others to look at lol.

i am also intentional when i choose partners (down to the exact vibe of things ooc) so it's rare that i or my partner will receive a starter and then ghost out of shock or a lackluster post or something. though i guess i have had people ghost the post right after the first starter 'pair' has been exchanged (usually after they start first too), which is kinda interesting.

either way, it doesn't happen to me that often anymore.

So have you found a good strategy for seeing if the first post was acceptable without seeming desperate and needy for a response?

typically i just post it and ask 'hey lmk what you think!' and leave it at that. if they don't respond, that's cool. there's lots of other cool people out there to respond to/reach out to in the meantime.

 

[Seranda]

I save my opening posts because I can use them over and over again by just changing certain elements. An opening post can intimidate some, but it shouldn't be used as the basis for the rest of the story. The person opening the RP is laying down the groundwork and it's not easy. Ghosting after an opening post is extremely rude, but no one is going to do anything about it. You have to take it upon yourself to make sure you don't waste your time with those people ever again.

I keep my opening posts because they are all amazing, and if you couldn't appreciate them, someone else will. And I'll also block you for being a dickhead.

I have personally ghosted three times, one as a result of remarks I made during planning being entirely disregarded and a story taking a turn that was not originally intended. Once again as a result of losing motivation

Why ghost? If you've lost motivation just tell your partner, I'm not feeling it. They may take it well, thank you for letting them know, tell you to fuck off, or try to convince you to stick around. But communication is key.

Don't keep someone waiting for a response if you have no intention of doing so. It doesn't take that much effort. Is that too much to ask?

While I try my best to not ghost anyone in general there have been some starters that I have never bothered answering, granted none of them have been on here.

The biggest reason why I have done this is simple. They clearly disrespect my limits or pull a stunt that immediately puts me off from replying to them.

Wouldn't just talking through OOC resolve this? "Hey man, I mentioned I didn't like this... so can we work something out with that last post? I'd like to slow it down, not have them jump into bed just yet.

I don't understand why communicating back and forth is so difficult for some. Makes me very thankful for the long term partners I do have. Don't need to deal with this BS.

I've got to be honest, it hurts a little when it happens. Especially if you have had chatted up the plot already. To me it feels like the person has just gotten up from the table and walked out without explaining what went wrong. Is it too hard to drop something like "Hey, sorry, I don't think our dynamic is clicking for me as I hoped." or just drop a white lie "Sorry, I can't continue. RL is being difficult. I will get back if I can."

That's all it takes. And it's very appreciated.

 

[Razgriz]

Honestly, stuff happens. Being ghosted in general isn't fun.

I've had plenty of RPs that never survived post 1. Heck, some didn't even make it past the planning stages.

As others have mentioned, communication is key, but sometimes things happen and the ghoster might think they'll be harassed for not replying to an RP.

 

[Silver]

Why ghost? If you've lost motivation just tell your partner, I'm not feeling it. They may take it well, thank you for letting them know, tell you to fuck off, or try to convince you to stick around. But communication is key.

Don't keep someone waiting for a response if you have no intention of doing so. It doesn't take that much effort. Is that too much to ask?

I did have a conversation about story elements being changed and tried to work something out but after the third conversation and nothing being changed nor was my viewpoint seen; I ghosted. Was it shitty to do yes, I am not denying that but my feelings were valid about not being heard and it lead to me reworking my 'offs' so that no one can ever try to steer any future story in that type of direction ever again.

Also, it's hard when motivation is lost and communication has been one-sided, the feeling given that they could care less when trying to check in OOCwise. There is this hope that inspiration will return and a post can be sent out but after a few weeks and not hearing from the person at all; it was safer to assume that things were simply done.

Yet this was how I handled things last summer/fall and now I keep communication open; I have those hard conversations and let my partners know if RL is picking up or if I don't think things will work out; I grew and learned from my past experiences. But I will say this communicating for some people is difficult, and fear/worries about angering or disappointing a person can happen. For some people it's easier to ghost, I understand both sides of it. Do I hate when it happens to me, of course I do, but I've been in that place and understand it, even when I am disappointed with the outcome.

 

[Baka]

Wouldn't just talking through OOC resolve this? "Hey man, I mentioned I didn't like this... so can we work something out with that last post? I'd like to slow it down, not have them jump into bed just yet.

Usually before starting there has been plenty of OOC already where I've established what I want and expect from the roleplay (and partner has hopefully done the same). I try my best to see that me and my partner are on the same page and that we both know what we are getting into before either of us sends a starter.

The ghostings I referred to happened many years ago, so can't remember the particulars of any of them outside of the one I already mentioned, but I do not intentionally ghost anyone lightly, and use it as a last resort when I think the RP and OOC can't be salvaged in my eyes.

I don't understand why communicating back and forth is so difficult for some. Makes me very thankful for the long term partners I do have. Don't need to deal with this BS.

I don't personally see any reason keeping back and forth going with a person who disregards what I've said to them, dismisses my limits or does something that is generally always frowned upon in RP-community (excessive godmodding namely). I do give a benefit of a doubt to people who are beginners for example, or if I feel like I wasn't clear about something. In those cases I do try to talk things out through OOC, but if I've stressed that I am looking for a slow-burn and they decide to bend my character over and screw them in the first post then there's no excuse in my eyes, and I don't see any reason to waste my time with the said person.

While ghosting is not nice I don't find what I've typed being completely ignored particularly nice either. If I wasn't given courtesy of being heard then why should I give them the courtesy of politely bowing out? Being polite, kind and considerate goes both ways, and if I feel like the person is purposefully being rude or dismissive towards me I see the best option for me is just to walk away and look for roleplay-partners who respect me, my limits, my input and my wishes.

Also predicting this thread will be locked soon like all these sort of threads do

 

[Seranda]

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with things. I make it my business to tell my partners if things aren't working out. I can't recall ghosting anyone. Not knowingly. Maybe having a small conversation, and I tell them I'll circle back when I have the chance because I have too many active RPs, and I eventually never do... I technically said when I have the chance. More often than not, those people show up again whenever I bump the request thread.

I know what it's like to have a really, really good RP going, and someone else just getting sucked up into life, burning out, losing interest, and not telling you anything. Better yet when they show up later and act like it never happened. Or you're silly enough to try again with them, for it to happen all over again.

 

[Victorian_Virtue]

My experience is you are going to get ghosted and not to take it personally. Think of it this way, sometimes being ghosted is better than a lavish critique of your failings as a writer or a "not my thing" reply that you JUST have to reply to and then, my friend, you go down the rabbit hole.

We are on here and writing because it is a hobby. I think someone above here said "don't worry about the 90% of roleplays that don't make it off the ground, cherish the 10% where you have a good partner!".

True words there.

 

[Gemma]

I have been ghosted on the first post once. It didn't bother me in the least. I'm not chasing behind anyone asking why when I could look for others to write with.

I stopped responding to someone after they replied to my opener because their reply was about their neko character running to a cave being hugged by a bear which had nothing to do with what story was about or what we previously discussed. I communicated to them about it receiving a less than ideal response so yeah fun....

 

[Seranda]

I have been ghosted on the first post once. It didn't bother me in the least. I'm not chasing behind anyone asking why when I could look for others to write with.

I stopped responding to someone after they replied to my opener because their reply was about their neko character running to a cave being hugged by a bear which had nothing to do with what story was about or what we previously discussed. I communicated to them about it receiving a less than ideal response so yeah fun....

Sound points. And that sounds like a most confusing response