| Sigr's Corner | (Comments Welcome)

I've been thinking for days if I'd make use of such a thread, but I finally decided that if it never got made, it was sure it would see no use so...

As the weekends starts and I change my avatar on the forum and the chat once more, I think I'm finally happy with it now. I liked the old profile I had, without a real signature and with a geometric monochrome avatar. The good part was that it said nothing about who I am, so I could play any character without prejudice. The bad part was that it really said nothing about who I am, and that felt, among other things, cold. So I went on my search of pretty stuff and all things photoshop and I made myself an avatar and a new signature.

I should be happy, right? Wrong. It was too, for a lack of a better word, feminine. That shouldn't be a problem, but I kept worrying that if I present myself with an specific gender, an specific orientation, suddenly my characters that don't share those traits would be less believable. Yes, I know, it's a silly notion since there are more attributes I don't share with my characters beside gender and orientation, like height, weight, beliefs, personality, nationality, first language... and yet, it affects me. Call me paranoid I guess.

In the end I reached a compromise. The signature stays for now, it's too cute. But I changed the avatar to something I feel more comfortable with, not just the figure, but the play on colors.

At least for now.

I went to the movies yesterday to watch John Wick 2 and Guardians of the Galaxy 2, and even if both movies are kind of more of the same thing that the first ones, they are marvelously done.

Ahhh!!! I'm so jealous!!!

HeyThereLittleBear said:

Ahhh!!! I'm so jealous!!!

Click to expand...

I needed that kind of movie plan and it was quite wonderful, maybe because it was a chill thing with no stakes whatsoever.

The topic of gender identification has been on my mind as of late. Every time I joined a forum for role playing purposes, I've always done so without identifying myself with any sexual orientation or gender (and more traits, be it political, religious... but those two are the ones occupying my thoughts) to keep myself not detached, but somewhat anonymous. I always had the idea that if I identified myself that way I'd limit* my chances to partake in games in the best of forms, and hinder the ability of my role playing partners to see just the character, not me. After all, besides the fact that we don't have to be at the same time playing, it's one of the advantages of this medium, something that I can't do with my friends in real life. No matter how much effort I put into it, they will hear and see me at the other side of the table.

But as of late, specially considering that I'm enjoying being on the Discord chat with you wonderful people, I'm having doubts about it. I've talked about my nationality, my holidays, family, religion topics... many things have been sort of disclosed, be it in private or in public, except my gender and orientation. On good days there is no problem, they are days like any other with funny conversations and people being super nice. On bad days I feel like I'm lying to people, and I hate that, but I don't know if I'm ready to drop that last veil.

I don't know if I'm asking what should I do or not, but I kind of had to get it out of my chest.

*When I talk about limits I say it as my characters being more or less believable if they differ from the idea my partner has of me. I don't mean that I purposefully try to lie to people that demand a certain gender from the person on the keyboard, I just avoid reaching them for a game.

This resonates with me on so many levels.

Sigr, I was exactly like this during my first three years on BMR. I hid everything for a lot of reasons but yours is definitely one of them. I still do hide most information regarding my identity from 99% of the member base, but with time I've grown quite fond of the community and that led to me sharing a few things about myself to some friends here. For three years I barely had a signature/avatar that expressed anything about me. I felt like a silhouette, really. Now a few friends know where I live, some saw my face, and most of my friends here have some idea on my personality. I even talked about personal stuff on my journal, I didn't even have a journal till after I've been here for three years!

Yes, it did feel like I was lying when I didn't bother to correct assumptions people made about me, and it felt bitchy when I pivoted around questions, but in hindsight I think it was perfectly okay. Most members here are very open-minded and welcoming, I'm sure nobody thinks any less of you, or me, for being a little bit 'guarded' online.

Just keep being you. I'm sure nobody has any issues with that. and if they do, they can stfu.

Ah, I'm glad to find someone with a similar experience, I loved your answer. I'm willing to let people know me, I have already had some nice talks on chat about things I didn't expect to divulge, but it's that specific aspect of me the one that I want to keep aside. I think that people can get to know me without having to know my gender, but the feeling of not being fair, of not being honest when I hide that information chases me. I'm afraid that people can think that if I hide that I could be lying about everything else, and being read as dishonest is the last thing I want.

In the end it's a bit of a duel between wanting to be as honest as possible in my games, and wanting to be as honest as possible OOC, and some days those two things seem at odds with each other.

For now I'll follow advice and keep being me, that one that talks through a computer so their physical body shouldn't be an issue.

Too much vodka with kiwi and lemon never again, at least until... well, whenever it happens again. The hungover isn't terrible though, and looking back at the Discord chat log I see that I didn't embarrass myself much besides being thirsty of both water and Jude Law. Technology bless the smartphone keyboard corrector or I would have been a messy writer.

MY friend, you're much more subdued when you drink and type in the chat than I myself am, and for that, I laud you!

Haha. Jude Law is still up and up though.

I wasn't as drunk as I could be, or I'd be outside dancing my knees off. Being on the phone with the keyboard correcting my shit helped a lot. Sadly my timezone makes hard for both of us to be drunk and on the chat at the same time

I always feel a bit silly when I get teary eyes about what other people or even myself write on a game, but sometimes I can't help but enjoy it. Maybe I'm just too much of a teddy bear sometimes.

Ughhhh... The day after is always bad. At least it was a bit amusing rewinding the chat to fill the memory gaps. A bit embarrassing too. Lovely people last night: you know who you are.

Having a couple of busy days, but I should be catching up on anything pending by the weekend.

And this makes my 1000th post in BMR. I just wanted to say that I love all of you. Well, maybe not the ones that PM me a one liner, but the rest of you are wonderful people. Party time!

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJRaKhURMEA[/video]

(snip)

Didn't sleep much, stomach made me regret eating too many churros and I'm beaten. Updates will have to wait until tomorrow.

Sigr, you post so regularly that you deserve s churro fueled day off. I love writing with you but want you to take care of you! *hugs*

Thank you Anna! *hugs*
I took care of myself by eating light(er) and keeping myself away from the tempting smell of the churro stall, although it wasn't easy. Slept well and I'm taking it slow on this sunny Sunday.

Busy as hell Thursday, so most of the precious threads I want to update will have to wait until tomorrow.

I'll keep your reservation warm until tomorrow then. *Pours Sprite and Gin.*

Stupid busy Sunday, updates coming later tonight or tomorrow, probably tomorrow.

I'm drunk and sobering myself up with water before heading to bed at past 2 AM from Wednesday to Thursday, so if the games don't get updated until the Friday blame the vodka. It's what I'm going to do.

Nothing beats pure Vodka!

In an unsurprising turn of events, I slept like shit and my head hurts like hell. I don't see myself posting today, so tomorrow it will be unless tonight I somehow feel way better.

It's been an odd and good couple of days, but I should be back to my normal posting schedule today.