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A Questionable Excuse

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Unless he’d been running really fast… in a house, that excuse really was stupid. Connor knew it, Julian knew it, and anyone who he’d tried it on would have known it. But he wasn’t about the argue with the other. He liked him too much to make him hate him over something so personal. After all, he didn’t really deserve to be asking questions like this. He’d just met Julian really and he didn’t doubt that the other was creeped out by his insistence already. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking down shamefacedly. He bit his lower lip and blushed slightly. “I guess I just got worried for a minute. I didn’t mean to insinuate anything bad.” That was a lie. He’d meant to insinuate the worst. But he’d been wrong. That was obvious now.

After a moment, he stood up and reached out a hand. “I’m sorry again,” he said quietly, looking over at the time. It was nearly eight. He wasn’t sure why no one had come up to get him. Perhaps his mom had a busy day at the office or something. “How about I make it up to you with dinner? You’re probably hungry, and I really don’t think it would be smart for you to mark this experience with a homemade meal courtesy of my mother.” He smiled. “I’m trying to impress you, not poison you.”
 
Julian shook his head and leaned forward closer to Connor. "Don't be sorry." He answered softly, leaning in to give the other boy a kiss on the cheek. He couldn't bring himself to kiss him on the lips. Not after that lie. Not after upsetting him so terribly. Maybe he should have told the truth. But what would that have done? He was done with Dylan. This wouldn't be an ongoing problem. So they could just let it die down altogether. "I don't mind that you're worried." He looked back up to Connor. "It's kind of cute." He gave the other a smile on one side of his mouth. It was cute, like a puppy with a lopsided ear.

The boy stood up slowly and close to Connor. "Oh…" He smiled and laughed a little, squeezing the fingers in his own. "I would like that. But, I'm not terribly hungry." He answered softly, looking at the time. He should get home soon. "But I'll have a little something. Especially if you're trying to impress me." He followed the other boy down the stairs.
 
“Oh,” Connor tried to hold back his disappointment, but wasn’t quite good at it. “Well…” He brightened just a bit. “How much time do you have? There’s a nice place down the street, but their food is kind of plain; Pizza, burgers, food of that sort.” He listed off a few more places casually; an Italian place a few miles off, the mall in the next town over, and even a few of the nicer restaurants. As he did so, he pulled Julian out of his room, careful not to hurt him. “Anywhere is good with me as long as we can sit and eat together.”

He smiled and kissed Julian quickly. “You don’t mind sitting together, do you?” And as quickly as that, he was nervous again. “I mean, if you’re uncomfortable with people thinking we’re together or something, that’s okay.” He looked down, obviously upset by the notion.
 
Julian nodded his head. He was going through all of those places in his head. Most of them were places he couldn't eat. The food was filled with carbs and fat, and he couldn't go eating that type of thing. Especially not now when he was trying to impress Connor. He couldn't go and get heavier now. Well, he could never do that. But this was just more pressure on him. "I'm okay going anywhere that has a salad. I'm craving veggies." He squeezed the other boy's hand softly, showing that he was fine.

The boy paused. "What?" A soft laugh left his lips and he shook his head. "Connor, it's fine." He answered, leaning in to press a soft kiss to the other's cheek softly. "It's really alright. You don't have to be nervous." He smiled and pulled away slightly. "I don't mind being seen with you at all. And the pizza place is fine, as long as they have salads."
 
Seriously.. Julian was actually willing to risk someone seeing them? He was willing to risk someone making fun of him in school, or an impolite boy or two calling them fags? At that thought, Connor couldn’t help but smile. A laugh bubbling up towards his moth as his nerves calmed. “Well,” he said with an actual smile. “How about that pizza place then; you might be craving bird food, but I kind of feel like making a complete pig of myself.”

He gripped Julian’s hand tightly and led him down the stairs, yelling a quick goodbye before he left. His father was a really sweet man, but he didn’t make much of an effort to be a real dad. He just tried to take care of whatever his wife wouldn’t and stay out of the way. It was an agreement that the couple silently had held for over two decades. “Sorry I’m making you walk so much today,” he said with a small smile as they left the house.
 
Julian didn't care about those things. But he wondered if Connor did. Dylan had cared so much about them. But was Connor really okay with what might happen if they did go out in public? Maybe people would just think they were friends. And maybe they wouldn't. But Julian didn't really care at this point. Just the fact that Connor wanted to go out into public with him meant a lot.

Julian smiled and stepped out behind Connor. He shook his head. "It's fine." He answered softly, giving Connor's hand a little squeeze. Dylan never held his hand. "I don't mind walking if it's with you." He smiled again, then kept up pace with the other boy. Julian was a little tired. Finally they arrived at the place and Julian took a seat, sipping on some room temperature water.
 
Despite the fact that their walk was rather uneventful, Connor still had fun. He didn’t let go of Julian’s hand the entire time. Why would he have? He wanted everyone who passed them to know that he was currently going out to dinner with someone who he considered to be far out of his league. He was going to dinner with the beautiful, smart, wonderful boy next to him. Pride swelled in his chest when the other didn’t let go when they walked into the restaurant.

When the two were sitting down, Connor finally let go, his hand moving to Julian’s knee instead. Damn, he was bony. It was a passing thought, and he gave it no real consideration. Yet he still ordered the most fattening meal on the menu, somehow hungrier; pizza, fries, and soda. The waitress was a young, pretty girl who was a year ahead of the two. Connor smiled sweetly and ordered his food, then looked over to Julian, waiting.
 
Julian enjoyed that walk as well. He could tell by the other's body language that he had no problem holding hands. It gave Julian a different emotion. One he was not expecting. It was adoration. But it was also a little anger towards himself. He didn't know what to believe now. Was Connor lying to him? Was he doing this for some other reason? Or had Dylan been wrong all along? Did he deserve to be with someone?

The boy's eyes widened a little when he felt that hand on his knee, but he leaned into it, thankful for the affection. This was different than anything he'd ever done. Dylan would never be willing enough to do this with him. And even if he would go out in public with Julian, he'd never touch him. The boy ordered a side salad and chewed on it slowly as he watched Connor devour his meal. Part of Julian wanted that too. But as he watched the pretty waitress step away he was reminded of why he wouldn't eat that. How he never could.

By the end of the meal Julian was sitting back sipping some more water, smiling at Connor happily. He hadn't even finished the salad, but that was okay. "Thank you." He smiled at the other, leaning forward on the table. "This was fun.
 
With every bite that Connor took, he glanced over to Julian to check on his progress Maybe hadn’t been being modest when he said that he wasn’t hungry. After a while, the sight of someone who was eating pretty much nothing made the red-head feel like some sort of pig. He pushed his plate away and smiled at Julian’s comment. “It was fun for me too,” he said quietly,” But only because I was with you.” He kissed the other boy for a moment, if front of the crowded restaurant, and said nothing for a minute or two. He simply gazed at Julian, something like adoration in his eyes.

Pulling away, he realized that he’d tasted nothing on the other’s lips. Lettuce didn’t really have a taste when you’d just eaten tons of food. “You sure you don’t want any?” he pushed his fries towards Julian. “If you get any thinner, you’ll blow away in the wind. And I can’t kiss someone who’s not on the ground with me.” He smiled and picked up a fry, waving it in front of Julian’s face teasingly.

Meanwhile, a while away from town, Dylan was leaving his fourth voice mail on Julian’s phone. The last three had been in the past hour and in every one he was drunker then the last, pleading, threatening, and begging for Julian to come over and help him. However, the last one held a more ominous tone, telling the other boy to come and say goodbye.
 
"Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." He answered with a little bit of a grin, taking another sip of water. He drank so much water to keep the hunger away. But it didn't always work. The boy paused when he realized that Connor was moving closer to him and at first he didn't know how to react. He'd never kissed someone in a public place before. But soon enough he was pressing into the kiss, licking his bottom lip as he pulled away. He looked to the table, a bit of blush pulling up on his cheeks.

"I'm really okay." He answered, making a fake biting motion at Connor's fingers with a laugh. Did Connor think he was thin? It seemed so. That made him feel good about himself. But did Connor not like it? Now Julian had so many more things to think about. But in that moment he paused and looked down at his phone. "Sorry..." He stood up and stepped to the bathroom, listening to the messages. He came back quickly, looking to Connor. It was obvious the boy was shaken. "I have to go... My, my mother called me. It's urgent." He felt terrible lying, but he couldn't tell Connor the truth.

He stepped out of the restaurant without another word. The boy got to Dylan's place as quickly as he could, throwing open the door before he closed it. "Dylan?" He asked softly. "Dylan?!" He ran into the kitchen, then the bathroom looking for the other.
 
One Julian had walked into the house; he would have smelled the alcohol right away. It covered the house like a thick blanket; suffocating the fur anyone who walked in. There was also the underlying smell of weed and mildew; from clothing that had been left in the washer for over a day. The bedroom was littered with beer bottles and glass bottles that probably had held vodka or whiskey. When Julian entered the bedroom, he would have seen Dylan, lying on the bed with his knees tightly to his chest and a vodka bottle clutched tightly in this left hand.

“Fuck,” he muttered when the other boy came into his room. “”Get out, I don’t need you.” His words were slurred, almost to the point of being illegible. The world swam before his eyes and the giddiness that he had felt earlier; when he’d taken the first pill, was long gone. Now he just felt dizzy and tired. And what made is worse, was that all he remembered was Julian. Julian was ruining his life and he hated him for it. His mind, clouded with unidentifiable medicine sitting in a baggie on his bedside, raced with that fact. It was all Julian’s fault.
 
Julian's concern undermined any anger or fear that he had towards Dylan at that point. He instantly went into a panicked mode, his hand darting out to grab the vodka bottle. He tossed it to the side, not really caring if it was open or not. He quickly rushed over, shoving the pills and other bottles off of the dresser and bed lest Dylan try to take any more of them. "Dylan." It was a cry, a pained and anguished cry, like he'd never made a noise like that before. The boy's hands went out, wrapping around the larger male. "Come on..." Somehow, in a moment of superhuman strength he pulled Dylan up and lead him to the bathroom, propping his boyfriend up over the toilet.

His fingers went to Dylan's hair and he leaned close to his face. Even though the smell was practically unbearable. "I need you to throw up for me Dylan. I know you're very angry with me, but I really need you to empty your stomach out in the toilet." His fingers danced over Dylan's cheek, his green eyes welled up with tears. This was all his fault. He knew it. If only he'd just listened to his boyfriend. If only he hadn't disobeyed. "Dylan... Please." He swallowed and kept his body pressed close to the other's.
 
Dylan tried to struggle against Julian’s grip. But he was just too tired, and even his weak boy- ex boyfriend, could all but carry him to the bathroom. For a minute, he laid there, his breath shallow and his eyes out of focus. His pupils were so small that they almost couldn’t be seen, and his vision was so… weird. It wasn’t blurred or clear, just singular. He could see Julian, but everything else was so hard to pay attention to.

“I’m really tired Jules,” he muttered, somehow propping himself up and leaning into the other boy. A small, lazy smile spread over his face and he closed his eyes. “How ‘bout I just take a nap. You don’t like me anyways, right?” Despite the size difference, he looked vulnerable laying there against the other’s chest. “I remembered,” he said quietly, “And remember, I said I would kill whoever hurt you.” He understood, it was okay for Julian to hate him now. He deserved it. He really did. Julian was perfect and he as nothing. At first he’d simply been experimenting with the pills, but now dying didn’t seem too bad. In fact, it almost seemed favorable to facing his fucked up life.
 
Julian's grip fluctuated. At points he wasn't sure if he could hold Dylan up, but then he remembered that this was a matter of life and death. The boy swallowed and shook his head, looking Dylan over. He looked terrible. It couldn't have been because Julian wasn't around. Dylan could take care of himself. It had to be because he had taken up drinking again. Maybe he really had missed Julian. It was hard to believe, because Julian was lead to believe he didn't mean much. And if he did mean much at all he only meant something to Dylan.

A loud sob escaped the boy when he heard those words. "No Dylan... No, I don't want that." He shook his head quickly, leaning in to kiss the other. "Please. Please I don't want that. I love you Dylan. I promise I won't leave again. I'll stay here with you. I promise..." His fingers moved out to Dylan's, squeezing them. "Please baby. I love you. I'm your Jules. I couldn't fucking live without you... If you leave, I couldn't..." He paused and leaned in again to kiss that cheek. "Please throw up for me baby..." His fingers pressed to the other's lips. "I can help you..."
 
Dylan tried to push away again before practically collapsing on the toilet. “I can’t,” he slurred, “I can’t do it. I can’t live like thi-” With that, he leaned his head on the cool porcelain of the bowl and got sick. It wasn’t on purpose as Julian would have probably liked to think. It was a complete accident; the body’s natural instinct to stay alive. “Fuck.” And he got sick again, shaking violently afterwards. When the fuck had it gotten so cold in here? After completely emptying the contents of his stomach, Dylan laid his head on the other boy’s lap, trying his best to get warm again.

“I’m still going to die.” His voice was low and almost impossible to hear. A sob wracked his body and tears ran down his face. “I told myself that I would find a reason not to. I even made a deal with god.” He didn’t even believe in god, not since he was young. It was one of those things that he’d always made sure that others knew. He wasn’t going to let anything make him feel bad for his religion. “But you didn’t answer. You hate me, so you didn’t answer.”
 
"That's it..." Julian murmured, turning away as the other emptied his stomach. He kept glancing back to see if Dylan was doing okay like that. He didn't want him choking or anything. But he didn't want to watch either. And it smelt terrible. But some part of him was so upset, so angry with himself that he blocked that out. "Dylan.." His fingers went to the older male's hair, rubbing it back. When he collapsed in his lap Julian did the same thing.

"I don't hate you. I could never..." He replied, running his fingers through that hair. "I love you Dylan. I'm sorry I didn't answer... I'm just. I'm fucking stupid." That came out in a crack of a tone, it was obvious that he had cracked. Through all the beating and the bruises, he'd stayed strong. But knowing that Dylan wanted to kill himself because of Julian... Julian was just that terrible. He was a terrible boyfriend. A terrible person. "I love you... I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen." He leaned down to kiss the top of the other's head, not even bothering to remember that Dylan hated it. He needed to physically show Dylan that he still cared, his fingers gripping his boyfriend tightly. "I'm sorry..." It was a wail.
 
“Don’t do that!” Despite his poor condition, Dylan managed to summon the energy to cover the spot on his head where Julian had kissed. His fingers twitched for a moment, as if warding off the other’s lips. “I don’t like it.” He brought his knees to his chest and closed his eyes, muttering something under his breath, over and over again. His head was still on Julian’s lap and his breathing was still irregular. “I never liked it. Please don’t, Please.” The words flew from his lips like a frenzied prayer, every word hard to understand and spoken as if he only had seconds to do so.

“Please,” he begged again, running his hands through his own hair. “Don’t touch me.” He moved away from Julian slowly, his face taking on a sort of unfamiliarity. Everything was still fuzzy around the edges and he was really confused. Julian’s face didn’t hold the similarity that he was used to and that really did scare him; more than anything. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, now holding his head. “You touched me like… like he did. I don’t want it to happen again. I-I… I’m really sorry.” He closed his eyes tightly and leaned back against the wall.
 
Julian would have never guessed that any of their troubles could have possibly stemmed from something so serious. He'd thought that he was the problem all along. He just didn't deliver the affection right. He was a bad boyfriend. He would have never guessed that someone as strong as Dylan could have ever gone through anything like that. So when he heard those words, he froze up.

And then something very strange happened.

An anger and rage overtook Julian. There was nothing he could do now. And he definitely didn't want to scare Dylan. But he was angry. Angry that some other man had made his boyfriend like this. He'd caused Dylan to cringe at him every time he tried to kiss the other. "Dylan..." His fingers drew upwards, and he looked down at the other. He was so vulnerable now. It was pathetic, almost. "Dylan I'm so sorry..." He murmured, looking his boyfriend over. He looked like a child, a sad and lost child. "I-I never knew. I would have just..." He didn't know what to say. Tears started streaming down his face. "I'm so sorry..." He drew in a breath. "I'll kill him." He murmured, though it was softer and more lost than the other words.
 
If he had anything left in his stomach, Dylan would have puked right then and there. God, what had he just done? Stupid stupid stupid. For a second, he wanted nothing more than to take it back. I was lying. It was my fault. I really did like it. All of the lies that he’d ever been told could have spilled out at that moment and made everything better. Julian wouldn’t think that he was some pathetic pervert. He wouldn’t cry because Dylan had done something so stupid. Sure there was something he could have done while it was happening, but he was too weak. He shouldn’t have let it happen.

He looked over at Julian hesitantly. “Don’t cry,” he said quickly, panicking. “I… it wasn’t that bad… really.” He didn’t cringe saying it, or even falter as the words came out of his mouth. It really did seem as if he believed every word he was saying. “I mean, he isn’t really a bad person. Everyone else loves him.” Everyone. His mom, his old friends, the neighbors. No one would have believed him. Why did Julian even care? It was over. He wasn’t fragile anymore and the other boy should have known it.
 
Julian could hardly believe what was happening to him. He had expected that Dylan was upset because of him. That he was the other's main problem. It turned out he wasn't. Or maybe he was, but he was a smaller reason. Right? now things wouldn't be so bad between the two of them. Now they could be together and be happy. Right? Maybe. He was here now, and that's all that mattered. Julian's thoughts were very bipolar at the moment. He couldn't decide what he should feel.

Julian squeezed Dylan tightly to him. "Sh. No." He shook his head. "That's not true. It's not. He's terribe man." Julian pracicaly snarled. "I..." He tightened his fist. Thi was the firsttime he'd been angry in front of Dylan.

Julian could hardly believe what was happening to him. He had expected that Dylan was upset because of him. That he was the other's main problem. It turned out he wasn't. Or maybe he was, but he was a smaller reason. Right? now things wouldn't be so bad between the two of them. Now they could be together and be happy. Right? Maybe. He was here now, and that's all that mattered. Julian's thoughts were very bipolar at the moment. He couldn't decide what he should feel.

Julian squeezed Dylan tightly to him. "Sh. No." He shook his head. "That's not true. It's not. He's terribe man." Julian pracicaly snarled. "I..." He tightened his fist. Thi was the firsttime he'd been angry in front of Dylan.
 
Julian could hardly believe what was happening to him. He had expected that Dylan was upset because of him. That he was the other's main problem. It turned out he wasn't. Or maybe he was, but he was a smaller reason. Right? now things wouldn't be so bad between the two of them. Now they could be together and be happy. Right? Maybe. He was here now, and that's all that mattered. Julian's thoughts were very bipolar at the moment. He couldn't decide what he should feel.

Julian squeezed Dylan tightly to him. "Sh. No." He shook his head. "That's not true. It's not. He's terribe man." Julian pracicaly snarled. "I..." He tightened his fist. Thi was the firsttime he'd been angry in front of Dylan.
 
“No he isn’t!” Dylan snapped, tearing himself from Julian’s arms. “You don’t even know him!” He looked away and crossed his arms, his expression crumpling. “I… we… he loved me. He might have made a mistake a few times, but at least he loved me.”

He didn’t know why he was defending the man who’d hurt him all of his life. Any other time, he hated his step-father. He wanted him to die a slow, painful, lonely death. But when someone else said bad things about him, it was different. Julian just didn’t understand how close they’d been. He didn’t understand that when no one else had been there for him, he’d been there with gifts and kind words and a loving touch. “Of course you don’t get it. I’m the only one whose ever loved you, aren’t I? I mean, of course I am. Who else would?” The words had a bitter tinge to them. He just wanted Julian to hurt as much as he did.
 
It seemed that he hadn't helped. The boy sat there, his eyes focused on Dylan. They were still filled with pain, anger even. But he seemed more hurt than anything. Especially at the comment about loving. Dylan's stepfather had loved him, yet he had this big problem? Obviously it was a bit more of a complex issue than Julian thought it was. The boy swallowed and pulled himself up a little, looking to the floor.

He didn't look up to Dylan until after he spoke out about Dylan loving him. He bit the inside of his lip so hard he thought it might bleed. "You-You are..." He answered softly, then bit back another sob. Dylan was being horrid to him. But of course he was sad... "Dylan I'm sorry..." He answered, clearly crushed. He was crushed by the fact Dylan had almost died. He was suffocated by what his boyfriend had just told him. Why wouldn't he be? "I'm sorry..." He seemed almost as lost and broken.
 
“Seriously, you’re crying?” Dylan snapped. “I’m not even crying.” He rolled his eyed and stood up, walking over to the bed, looking away from Julian. If you ignored a crying child, they were supposed to shut the hell up, right? That’s how the other boy was acting, like a spoiled, crying child. “God, how selfish can you get?” He let that thought sit for a while, in both his head and in Julian’s. However, in his head it festered, like something already horrible left out in the sun too long. How could his ‘boyfriend’ be so fucking selfish? Did he even care about anything that Dylan had just confessed. How could he be upset about the tiny little insult that the older boy had flung?

A few minutes passed. “I shouldn’t be so harsh though.” He smiled sweetly; so sweetly that it was obviously fake. “How about you get me something to drink. We can talk afterwards if you want. I’m sorry.” Walking over to the other, he placed his hand on the back of his neck. It was gentle, but firm enough to imply that he still had control, even when he was being nice. “I missed you.”
 
Julian wasn't crying because of what Dylan had said. He was crying because of this whole situation. It had struck him like a freight train, hearing Dylan say all of those things about his stepfather. How had he even lived...? Julian had harsh parents, sure. But he hadn't been touched or hurt in that way. Their hurt was psychological. He was sitting there on the ground, his head in his hands. His body was shaking slightly from the silent wracks of breath that came and went. He was a mess. Of course Dylan begrudgingly was with him. He couldn't even be there to support his boyfriend.

The boy managed to pull himself together long enough to look at Dylan and give his boyfriend a nod. Okay. He could do that. The boy stood up and stepped into the kitchen, retrieving a glass of water where he stood in front of the sink silently. It took a few seconds to get him moving again. What was he supposed to feel? Was the abuse Dylan had faced some kind of spark for Dylan's sadness? Of course it was. But then Dylan had been so quick to defend the man. He stepped back into the bedroom and looked over to his boyfriend. The bruises he had on his arm had faded. The one on his stomach was still quite ripe, but fading as well. Just as Julian had thought that Dylan would fade out of his life, when he had been happy there with Connor for the moment. "I'm sorry I'm a mess..." He handed the water over, then sat down on the bed. He barely made an indent in the mattress, he was so light. "I just- I missed you.."
 
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