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A Questionable Excuse

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When Dylan was growing up, he’d had a game that he played with himself. He would often pretend that if it was perfectly dark; if he could see nothing at all, no one would be able to see him. He would turn off all the lights, cover the windows with this blankets and tape, and stare at his hands. Or better yet, stare at the blackness where his hands should have been. A few months after he’d started this, he began doing the same thing, only with sound. He would wait until his mom had passed out drunk, his stepdad had gone to bed, and the neighbors had stopped making noise. Then he’d tried to make no noise at all. He swore he didn’t even have to breathe sometimes. If he couldn’t see or hear, he wasn’t really there, right? He did this up until his freshman year of high school; almost every night. He then grew up and started playing other games… only they weren’t with him. They were with other, unsuspecting teenagers who happened to get in his way. After all, who in the world wanted to punish themselves once they realized that there were tons of other people to take out their problems on?

That’s exactly what he was doing right now. He took one look at the water and closed his eyes tightly. “Did you?” He asked. “Or did you forget everything about me? I said get me a drink. I don’t even like water.” He didn’t sound angry, just annoyed, but that was enough to make him mean. He didn’t even think that before the split, he’d been fine with water. He handed back the glass and tried to get up, a gesture the nearly made him sick. The only drink he had other then water was beer, and he could really use that right now. “Get yourself something too.”
 
Julian swallowed and looked Dylan over. There was no way he could get his boyfriend a drink, the kind that he wanted. But after those annoyed words he found himself standing up and actually retrieving a beer. Julian got himself one too. There was no way he would be able to last the night without one. Part of him knew that he shouldn't, but he needed to get back into Dylan's good graces. Especially if his boyfriend was in such a suicidal terrible mood.

"I really did." He sat back down, but showed no sign of being affectionate now. It seemed like he might have actually broken with that exchange earlier. He kept himself close to Dylan, but didn't seem to be as needy for affection as he normally was. He put his hand out on the mattress, looking at it. "I love you..." He took a sip of his beer, but didn't look up to Dylan.
 
Something about Julian’s attitude made everything worse. It made the beer more bitter, the pains in his stomach worse, and it obviously made his act differently. His face took on an expression that resembled annoyance, but worse. And he took Julian firmly by the chin, forcing the other boy’s face up to look him right in the eyes.

“Why don’t you actually look at me?” he growled. “If you loved me, you would act like it.” He let go, but not before squeezing Julian’s face hard enough to bruise. “ He shut himself off to any response and finished his drink in less than five minutes, repressing a sigh when he was finished. It was such a release. Whoever would even try to make him quit obviously didn’t care. “Why don’t you actually be useful and get me another one?”
 
Julian swallowed when he realized his mistake. How was he supposed to act anything akin to happy with everything that had just gone down? The boy kept his eyes down on his fingers. They were thin fingers. But not thin enough. The boy let out a displeased noise when his chin was grabbed, his green eyes avoiding Dylan's face for a moment. "I just..." He began to speak, then let out a bit of a whimper when his face was squeezed.

"I just... I know you don't want me to touch you." He bit his bottom lip and kept his eyes on Dylan. What was he supposed to do? Julian gave him a bit of a soft smile before he moved his fingers up to rub softly on his cheek. It was a quick movement however, he didn't want Dylan to think it was too hurt. "I... I'll get you a glass of water, but not any more beer." He swallowed, moving his toe on the carpet before looking back up to Dylan. "You'll get sick."
 
It was pathetic that the boy that he loved didn’t even love him enough to understand how he worked. He just wanted to be loved, but not touched. That wasn’t too hard, was it? He wasn’t asking for too much. And when the other refused to get him wheat he asked for, it only made him angrier.

He stood up quickly, reaching to hit Julian. When he missed, that was the final straw. It only angered him more. So instead, he shoved the other roughly. “Why don’t you stop trying to control my fucking life and do what I want? I can take care of myself.” A wave of dizziness overcame him and he swayed on spot for a moment before everything went black. He heard himself hitting the floor, and he felt his head hit the side of the bed. He even felt the sharp pains in his stomach, that now were unbearable. Loosing conscious was supposed to take the pain away, not make it worse.
 
Julian tried to understand, he really did. The boy prepared himself for what was to come. A smack to the face. A punch to the stomach. Something like that. He knew it was coming, and he almost thought it would be too much with everything else added on. The boy swallowed and clenched his jaw, probably not the best thing to do when he was about to be hit. He closed his eyes and prepared himself for what might happen. But then nothing did.

He opened his eyes and heard the hit on the floor. His first reaction was to stand there. He couldn't think, he couldn't do anything. He shouldn't have gotten that beer for Dylan. This was his fault. Within a few seconds he moved down to pull his boyfriend up onto the bed. "Dylan…" He murmured. It was a difficulty that was for sure. Julian could hardly hold himself up, let alone pull up his more muscular boyfriend.

In the morning Dylan would wake up with several glasses of water next to him. Julian was curled up on the end of the bed, letting the older male take up as much space as he needed. He was out like a light. But when Dylan woke up, he'd be awake in an instant.
 
He felt himself being lifted into the bed, but there was nothing for Dylan to do but stay still. He regained consciousness quickly, but any movement hurt too much. It wasn’t worth it. He couldn’t help but wonder where Julian had put those pills. He would do anything to take away the pain. It was actually rather surprising that the other could even lift him. He’d lost weight, mainly through loosing muscle, but was still heavy. He fell asleep almost the second that his head hit the pillow, and when he woke up, he sat there, completely still for a moment. First, he moved his head. He still had an awful headache, but it wasn’t as bad. His stomach didn’t hurt anymore. He did however, want something else to drink.

He opened his drawer and took out two pills. They were small, white, and not even he knew what they were. All he knew was that they made him feel better, especially when dissolved in beer. Unaware that Julian was awake, he tried to get up. But he couldn’t. Maybe it was the pain, but he just couldn’t do it. And so he dissolved the pills in two glasses of water and took a small sip of the one.
 
Julian was up in a second at the sound of Dylan moving. He didn't show that he was however and stayed silent. He saw the pill dropped into the water. He knew it was probably something terrible. Within a second he sat up, running his fingers groggily through his hair. "Nh." He blinked and rubbed his eyes, biting his bottom lip. "Are you okay?" He asked soflty, scooting a little closer to Dylan.

He reached his hand out for the water, indicating that he wanted to have some of the water. Julian had an emotional hangover, but he wanted to be close to his boyfriend. He wanted to forget about the night before and the past few weeks. It would be fine. Everything would be fine. "Do you want anything to eat, I can make you anything…?"
 
When he noticed that Julian was awake, a small tremor of panic overcame Dylan. This was going to go badly, he just knew it. But then the other asked for water and the older boy smiled. Maybe he hadn’t noticed. He was just thirsty. Dylan considered giving him a clean glass. It would probably be wrong to unintentionally drug someone, but he did anyway.

Even as the effects took hold of Dylan, he remained the same. The only effect that it had at first was the fact that he couldn’t stop moving. Even though it hurt to do so, he stood up, giving Julian the glass that he hadn’t drank. Then, he took another pill out of the drawer. He did so discretely, and hoped that the other boy wouldn’t notice.
 
Julian was just willing to risk drinking some strange pill rather than get into a fight with Dylan about it. He didn't have the energy to defy his boyfriend, not now and now for a while would he. He just wanted everything to clear up. He wanted to be happy and have Dylan be happy again too. Was that too much to ask for? The boy grabbed the glass and swallowed the remainder of it's contents. Maybe this would help him.

Maybe it would make things worse.

He shifted on the bed, pulling himself up and his legs to his chest. He looked over to Dylan, then to the pill in his hand. "What're you doing...?" He asked, feeling that change begin to overtake him as well. He leaned a little closer, then onto the bedside table. "What is that?" It was an innocent question almost, as his fears of hurt quickly slipped away. Really, his fear and hurt slipped away, and seemingly almost all at once. That was nice.
 
For some crazy, backwards reason, Dylan felt smarter when he was high. He felt faster, better, nicer, and so much smarter. It was crazy, after all, in health class; they’d always told you that drugs made you dumb. They had obviously been lying. Anyone who would fail to mention the upsides of amphetamines, which was what the two were on right now, obviously didn’t know what they were talking about.

“I’ve got no idea” he said with a smile. “But it’s nice, isn’t it?” He leaned down and kissed Julian roughly. “Do you want another one?” He kissed him again, suddenly turned on by even the other’s presence. He wasn’t mad now. He was so, so happy. And he could have sat there and talked forever. Just talked and kissed and maybe had sex, but he had done this so much that he couldn’t really get hard when he was on it. He just felt really turned on, all the time. Sometimes he wished it was his first time again… like Julian. It had been so much better back then.
 
Julian felt the same thing at that moment. There was nothing wrong between Dylan and himself. They were fine. They were perfectly fine in that moment and absolutely nothing could go wrong. The boy smiled up at the other male and let out a little purr mostly to himself. It felt nice. He liked it. And all of the bad things were completely gone from his mind. He didn't feel anything more than just straight out good.

"It is..." A little smile curled up on his lips at the statement, but he nodded eagerly at the question. Why not? Especially when he could get such a nice kiss from Dylan. Sure, it was a little rough. But that was okay! "This... Mn." Then he allowed Dylan to lean forward and kiss him again. God he could do that for hours. A limitless amount of times even. If just Dylan and he lay on this bed together. Being in each other's presence was enough. He could feel the arousal that came shortly after, it pressed against the front of his pants like something hot. The boy leaned forward, looking towards the pill. "Can I please...?"
 
Everything was moving so slowly. Too slowly in fact. Nothing was wrong. In fact, he was ecstatic for a reason that could only be explained by the pills he’d taken. In fact, nothing could even go wrong. It wasn’t possible. He’d been doing these things longer than he could remember and there were no negative side effects. Well, none that he’d felt yet other than the need for them when he was running low. But he would just remedy that by never stopping. Everything was fucking perfect.

“You can have all you want,” Dylan purred, leaning forwards and kissing Julian’s throat. Warmth came over his body and he smiled almost as warmly. He kissed Julian again and again, on the lips, neck, and jaw. And despite his usual… problem when he took these pills, he felt himself getting harder. Suddenly, he was really hot. He drank the rest of the water on the bedside and took off his shirt. He’d gotten a bit less muscular over the past few weeks, but he was still rather appealing. “I love you,” he whispered, pressing himself tightly to Julian and kissing him again, only pulling away when he needed to breathe.
 
Julian was glad that this conversation had taken a turn for the better. Hell. It wasn't even a conversation anymore. It was more related to their body language, if it was a conversation. And damn, Dylan looked good. If anyone could notice people losing weight, it was Julian. And deep down beyond the drugs he was afraid. He didn't want that to happen to Dylan. Not because he was shallow, he did like Dylan more toned. But because he knew what could happen. How you could break. Not that he thought Dylan would ever be like him in that way. Dylan was manly. He didn't worry about trying to look feminine, or please his boyfriend with a feminine body.

"I would love it..." He murmured, arching his back as the other continued to kiss him. Fuck. That was exactly what he needed. Why had he been so stupid to think that he could live without this? It was too good. "I love you too.." He moaned softly, pressing his hips up against his boyfriend's. It was quite obvious that he was hard. The boy spread his legs a little so Dylan could get closer. "Fuck... I'm so hot..." He pulled off his shirt, then his pants quickly. Underneath were a tight little pair of black and red underwear, holding in his package perfectly. He hoped Dylan liked them.
 
“I love you,” he murmured, moving downwards . His voice was fast and hot on the inside of Julian’s thigh. And it was full of animalistic lust. He brought his hand to his own, almost painful arousal, and stroked himself. At first, he bit his lips and closed his eyes, but then his good sense got to him. He had to save himself for Julian. Coming now would do either of them very good. Groaning, he placed his mouth on smooth skin, kissing all the way towards the other boy’s hardness. “I love you so much.” He kissed the other again, his lips coming to rest on the bulge though Julian’s underclothing.

It was something he’d never done before, not to Julian, but the drug had gotten to him. And so he slipped off the rest of his clothing, then the other boy’s tight underpants, watching with approval in his eyes as he saw what was in front of him. Without asking for permission, or even considering that he’s always found blowjobs to be humiliating, he placed his mouth over the other’s cock and moved his tongue skillfully over Julian. When he was sure that he was to his full length, Dylan slid upwards and kissed Julian square on the lips. “I want you inside of me,” he moaned, sounding almost upset, “I need you Julian, please?”
 
Julian was ecstatic. He needed this. This affection and touch. All of the things that Dylan provided him with when he was feeling particularly affectionate. It didn't happen often, but when it did it was amazing. And on this drug... Well, amazing didn't eeven begin to cover it. "I love you too Dylan... I love you so much." He groaned, pressing is hips up nto Dylan's touch.

Then he felt that hot mouth on him. That amazingly hot mouth. "Dylan..." He moaned, sucking n air harshly. "God baby..." He moaned, squirming where he lay. Dylan had never done that before. "Mn..." He ran his thin fingers through the other's hair. But at those words Julian froze up. Fuck. He'd never expected to hear them. Honestly Julian was okay with always having Dylan. He had always been curious. But not like this. He couldn't. Dylan would hate him in the morning. Dylan didn't even want Julian's kisses, let alone anything else. "Dylan..." He looked the other over. "Are you... are you sure...?"
 
Dylan pressed himself to the other until he was sure that they would become one person. His eyes shone with feverish need and his skin was damp and hot to the touch. He couldn’t believe how alive he was. Every nerve ending was on fire, and was easily cooled by Julian’s touch. Every breath was a conscious phenomenon and felt warm and satisfying. He was sweating, but not obscenely so; just enough to cool him down when he felt too warm. And that was nothing compared to everything else. Pressure was building up to the point where he didn’t only want Julian, bit he needed him more than air itself. Without the other boy, he felt so empty.

“Yes, please?” He reached down in between the other’s legs and grabbed him gently. “I need you so, so, so much.” He tried to say that he loved him, but his words where lost in another long, needy kiss. “Please,” he pleaded, pulling away for just a second, “You’re just so beautiful.”
 
Julian was sure that this would go wrong. He knew that it would. Dylan would wake up in the morning and be angry with him. That had to be the way it would end up. And thinking about it made him panic a little. He swallowed and pressed into the kisses, biting his bottom lip. Luckily those little kisses distracted him from his bigger situation. He was sure that in the morning, this would end in regret by Dylan. And everything he'd worked for to get Dylan to forgive him would be in vain.

"I-If you're sure..." He moaned as he felt the other's hand run over him. Dylan had never been this insistent. Nor had he ever allowed Julian to initiate anything. "I- Yes..." He groaned, bucking his hips up. "I don't know... Do you...??" He couldn't even get up the right words, he was so focused on feeling that lovely sensation.
 
At this point, Dylan’s breath was heavy and fast. He gripped Julian just a bit harder and moved his hands up and down the other’s shaft. This only lasted a second before he turned around, his back facing Julian, and turned his head slightly towards the pillows to muffle the sound of his breathing. “I missed this so much. Please, I need you,” his voice cracked and he pushed his hips back towards Julian.

He’d never been so vulnerable and needy before in his life, especially not during sex. It was the very thing he tried to avoid every time the two were together. It was obvious that this was his high talking, but deep down, it was him as well. He’d almost missed the feeling of someone being in charge of him during sex. It was sick, but in a way, he was replacing his stepfather with Julian.
 
Julian didn't know what to do. Part of him knew what Dylan was doing. And it made him feel very, very sick. Another thought this might be a test. But the way that Dylan had so needily looked at him and pleaded, and now he was pressing himself back towards Julian... It was... Fuck. Julian couldn't think of words. He'd never thought that this moment would come. But now that it did he was not thankful. He knew it had to be for another reason.

Dylan was breaking down. "I-" He bit his bottom lip. He couldn't have Dylan being angry with him now either. And the way his boyfriend seemed so desperate was a little cute... But it also made Julian feel odd. Like he shouldn't be doing this. "Dylan..." The drugs overrode that quickly though. He sat up and draped himself over Dylan. He'd make it gentle at least. Loving. This was his first time, anyway. He stroked himself a few times and looked Dylan over. It felt wrong. Dylan had him pretending a female, and females didn't do this, did they? He bit his bottom lip and grabbed some lube from the dresser. He stroked himself a few more times, running it over his fingers and cock before he wiped it off, grabbing onto Dylan's hips.

Slowly he pushed inside, letting out a moan when he was fully engulfed in Dylan's warmth. "Fuck..." His thin fingers danced over Dylan's hips as he kissed the back of the other boy's neck.
 
Dylan didn’t really know what he was doing. He would probably know why he’d done so later, and he would probably hate himself for it. But right now, he felt as if he needed this. He needed to have something filling him, he needed to feel as he had when he was younger. For over a decade, he’d been abused. He’d been used and hurt and… it was a sick fact, but he’d been pleased. Only sexually of course, but he was a man. And he needed sex. It was like air to him.

And Julian felt so incredibly good. Dylan felt so great. He wasn’t even sure why he’d never done this willingly before. What was wrong with him? Well, it was definitely the drugs doing the thinking for him, but he wanted this all day every day. He wanted Julian’s length inside of him until he couldn’t stand it anymore. As the other entered him, he let out a soft moan that sounded more like a sigh then anything. “I-“ he bit his lip when Julian’s waist met his skin, knowing that the other boy was fully inside of him. “I love you.” He gripped the sheets and let out another groan of pleasure.
 
It felt wonderful, Julian wouldn't lie. But how great it felt would not cover up the fact that by doing this he was feeding into something unhealthy in Dylan. Something that would probably be stored away deeply when they woke up in the morning and were normal. The boy would hate himself for this. He should have known better. He shouldn't have taken advantage of Dylan when he was like this. But he felt as though he needed to. He didn't want this present Dylan getting upset like this, especially with all those drugs and all that alcohol in him.

Julian would feel like Dylan's stepfather in the morning. He'd feel as though he'd abused his boyfriend in unspeakable ways. The only difference was that he would feel guilty. "I love you too..." He murmured against the other's ear, bucking his hips forward slowly at first, then a little quicker. He could feel tears in his eyes, but he had no idea why this might be. "I love you so much Dylan.." He bit his bottom lip and quickened his pace. Fuck that felt good...
 
With those words, Dylan froze. There was no way that Julian could have known how triggering those six words were, but he remembered them from a long time ago and he instinctively shut himself down. There was no physical change, he was still hard; still moving along to the rhythm that Julian was providing. He was still letting small sounds of pleasure escape his lips. He was still acting… unlike himself. He wasn’t in this emotionally though. He was somewhere else; inside his old house, escaping to that place where it didn’t matter what was happening to him.

Now, it was becoming apparent that even drugs couldn’t take this away. They couldn’t take away the memories, couldn’t take away the pain, and couldn’t take away the facts. He closed his eyes tightly and let out an involuntary moan. “H-harder,” he pleaded, not knowing what he was doing. He dug his fingers into the bed until it hurt. “Please.”
 
Julian swallowed and he felt Dylan change. He knew that he shouldn't continue. But he did. Not for as long as he expected to though. It was evident that he was not fully in this either. The boy bit his bottom lip harder, enough to draw blood. What the hell was he doing? It was like he had woken up and he had no idea where the hell he was or what he was doing. "Dylan..." His fingers tightened around his boyfriend, but he stopped. He pulled out quickly and pulled away just as quickly.

In only seconds his hands were to his face, covering it. What the hell...? What had he done? He knew that this was not what Dylan would have wanted. The drugs had given him some kind of introspect. Especially with the way that Dylan had opened up earlier. "I can't..." He couldn't even look at his boyfriend.
 
As Julian left him, Dylan whimpered in complaint. It had felt so good. Why had Julian stopped? What had he done wrong? At the sudden emptiness, he turned towards the other. Really, he didn’t understand what had gone wrong. He’d been enjoying himself despite the circumstance and he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he’d been inadequate. When he was inside of Julian, he always enjoyed himself.

He wanted to reach towards the other, take his hands from his face, and ask what was wrong, but he couldn’t. He was still locked inside of the world that he’d trapped himself in. This wasn’t Julian anymore. He was aware of the intense pressure below his waist though, and wanted that to end. “Don’t stop,” he pleaded, pressing himself against his boyfriend once more. He stroked Julian’s still hard cock and tried to bring his mouth down to pleasure the other.
 
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