Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It went well, thanks. >.> .....<3​

Despite how open I am on here, despite how honest I may come off as, I sometimes really don't know myself. I am reserved because I never know who will leave-whether they have a reason or not. I have a temper that randomly flares but I hide it well and tend to let things go if they are trivial enough. I don't like conflict, but sometimes I incite the conflict without meaning to and then realize that in some small way I meant for it to happen. I hide my pain, my hurt-anything that will upset the balance that makes me "Hahvy." Sometimes I'll let it out in the chatterbox, but it's always a small portion. And because of this, I guess I feel like a child.

I kept thinking to myself the other day I was a "woman." Not that I'm having gender identity issues, but just issues. Where am I in the manner of growing up? Sometimes I feel so far ahead of people when it comes to maturity and I guess it puts off my peers from wanting to know me. I am fucking smart, I know that and I think I scare people. I can be completely emotionally distant-even to my family. I try to reach out but I feel like I'm just getting in the way of people. I don't lie like people may think or want to believe, I just don't always divulge all the details of the truth. Sometimes I really don't know.

I try my hardest to trust, to let people in, but that person I hide tells me "no," and she has all this control that she probably shouldn't have. The mask I spoke about keeps her hidden, though the mask is lessening. I try to be care-free, to be happy, and it works-sometimes. But I shrug when I look in the mirror and I take so many pictures of myself as if to say "This is really me. I can be this pretty. I can look this good..but the mirror tells me that it isn't me." A picture is worth a thousand words they say, and all I see are the flaws of the pictures. I get comments "you are so pretty" or "you look good." and I think, "Can you see what I see? I have acne there, there, and there. My skin tone is uneven here, my hair is messed up here, my makeup sucks-" and on and on and on. But I still post them because I HAVE to get better. I need to get out of my "comfort" zone and start growing up in a different way.

I grew up in conflicting households. One told me I was perfect the way I was, the other that I wasn't good enough at all. The place I rarely visited had the most impact on me. Why? Because I was my father's daughter. I was a daddy's girl for a long time. I wanted to be perfect for him because he was away all the time. I wanted to be everything he wanted and it killed me to let him down. It tore me up inside when I couldn't be what he expected. In some ways, I'm still that girl trying to get my father's approval. And then I see those comments on my pictures and I think "I'm not so bad, now am I?" I'm trying to break free from all those issues and insecurities that got stacked up over the years, and when I was in school, it didn't help. I was THE kid that was picked on. And I mean THE kid. Other kids got bullied, but not like me. I don't even know if I can relay how hellish it was for me to exist during elementary school and middle school. My brother's anger issues back then didn't help at all either. We fought like cats and dogs and went for the throat each time we fought.

But that was when. The now is different, but I still have to grow up. I'm terrified of whoever I may sleep with next because I'm afraid of exploring that part of me that wants all this control and the other that wants to give it up. I'm torn asunder. I want to love again but I'm terrified of giving away my heart. I no longer want to be alone, but I'm still scared of being so-and-so's girlfriend and not my ex's ex. I'm far better now than I was when I first started coming on this site because of both positive and negative feedback, but I'm still...I don't know. I feel old, I feel too young, I'm stuck. I'm trying to find my way towards what could be my happy ending and I wonder when it will start to show itself. I see pieces of it starting to show but I have to wonder if things will fall apart. I always expect things to fall apart. I'm trying not to be that way anymore and just roll with what I get.

I'm stepping out of being suicidal and terrified of what the world may offer me. But I still fear getting hurt. So many people used to quite literally be out to get me and I can't let that feeling of being vulnerable at one point go. So I put up walls to keep people from seeing that and I suppose it makes me seem...emotionless. I'm not sure. I want to have fun, but I don't want to be considered easy, I want to experiment and again, don't want to be considered easy. I'm stuck on that motion that if I sleep with a certain amount of people I'm just another whore. My mother doesn't realize it, but she embedded those thoughts into me. Just like how she thinks bisexuality is wrong. I'm stuck in between two places- being me and...The Other Me. And I have to ask...just who am I?​

Unfortunately, I have the flu. Or something. I dunno. But the symptoms scream "FLU" so I am decided on having the flu. Replies will be slow if I can even manage them. And no, it's not the piggy flu! Those bacon bits did not get to me.​

I came to a certain realization that I've missed so much in my life. Like going to parties and just having fun and being able to let go of restraints that plague me from day to day. I never really had much of an adolescence, I see. My first drinking experience was at 19 and while fun, it was the only experience I've really had. Never went to any "crazy" parties where it was just a blast retelling what happened. Never had very many crazy sex stories or even all that good of sex stories. I distance people from me because I always fear that they'll get too close and when they do, they'll see what I see: Something to look at with distaste. Being overly logical usually puts a damper on just having a good time since you know, you wouldn't analyze every little thing if you weren't. For awhile I thought I had everything figured out: Get a good job, graduate high school then college, write a book, buy a ranch, and just live out my days on that ranch. It seemed like a good plan because it didn't involve anyone but me.

But so many things came to light that some days I wish hadn't.

Like how I wish I didn't actually need people.

I never thought when I was 13 that I would ever fall in love, and then I did twice-or at the time I thought it was once and then twice but the first was really a falsehood. I never thought I would ever find a happily ever after with some prince charming. Hell, I never even thought I would have sex. I was a mess back then, but I also thought: Who could ever love me enough to try to help fix the broken thing I was. I fixed that by myself, got back up by myself, changed who I was by myself, and here I am, by myself. I used to be perfectly fine with that. But now I'm growing restless with this person.

I don't want to just be "by myself."

I put a lot of emphasis on trust, and I've done the whole kissing-without-strings bit. But further than that and I just can't do it. I'm fine with it, but sometimes I wish I could do casual and be able to just have a good time with someone and be able to let them go without getting hurt. But my feelings go too deep for that. My emotions run too deep and strong for that, I fear. I still have time to experiment and whatnot but it's just like...did I just waste 10 years of my life? Did I waste my teenage years because I was so terrified of people? Am still a bit terrified of people? Yes, I let someone get closer than anyone and in a sense, it bit me on the ass, but I still want to have a significant other. Because I guess, I want to be significant. I know I mean a lot to my friends-those that are still around-but selfishly I want to be more sometimes.

I just don't know how to deal with myself sometimes.

It's one of those times where I wish I didn't think so much.​

I don't want to have to deal with this feeling like I can't let go and can't get over what happened. I'm alone so I'm dealing in the best way I can which is bottling it up and not talking to anyone about it or showing how much it affects me, and even as I write it out, it seems to still settle within me like a parasite just manifesting until I explode. I used to have more control than this so what has changed? What has made me like this now? I'm unsettled unlike I've ever felt before and I can't stand not knowing how to shake this feeling of upset and restlessness and feeling like someone should be in my life and filling up my time. I should be having the time of my life. I'm moving and living on my own, going to college, and have a job. I have friends, sort of, and can go wherever I want and pretty much whenever I want to go there. But more than that I'm completely unsettled with how I feel right now.

I miss my ex. I actually miss him when nothing is able to distract me from my inner thoughts.

I miss hearing him tell me he loves me. I miss going on drives with him and having him hold my hand. I miss snuggling up in his arms and listening to his heart beat in tandem with mine. I miss his laugh and his smile. I miss going to his house and watching movies. I miss having to be quiet and sneaky as we took off our clothes and felt good for awhile.

I don't even know why after all this time I miss him.

I saw him yesterday, and I was fine. There was nothing wrong. I didn't talk to him, just glanced his way and that was it. He looked good, like always. And I didn't mind when my friends made fun of him at the party we were both at. I laughed right along with them. But something kept nagging me because no matter where I moved, He moved in some way so that if he wanted to see me, he could and if I turned my head the slightest bit, I could see him from across the way. Perhaps it's just "wishful" thinking. I don't know. I don't really know. And I'm fucking terrified that I feel this way.

I feel like I just lost half the progress that I made.

When will this change? I swore to myself that I wouldn't let this happen, that I would completely get over him and not miss him anymore. So what changed? What happened?! I don't know what is wrong with me. The only thing I can think of is that I wanna be happy, too. I want to be with someone who made me feel the same way he made me feel. Like I was the center of his world and nothing could destroy us.

I may be moving, living on my own, starting school again and going back to my job, but I feel like I'm standing still.

I feel like everyone is moving past me and I'm stuck.

And I can't stop the tears completely this time.​

It's been too long since the breakup for me to suddenly feel like this. To feel like he had walked out a few months ago instead of two years ago once summer comes.

I just dunno what to do. And I'm terrified.​

So, this kid I have liked since the summer has discovered that I like him. And to add to it he likes me back. However, he also likes Jess, aka My daughter. And she likes him as well. And I'm perfectly okay with it. I truly am. Sometimes I get jealous of people due to my own insecurities. But with her, I am not jealous. Not because she's not "good enough" or isn't "better" than me. I am okay with it because I truly care for her and want her absolute happiness. Besides the fact I would never let a guy come between us and neither would she. I told her that if he decided to be with her I would be okay with it and she said the same for me. But we both agreed that since he said he "couldn't choose between us" that it's a hypothetical situation and that neither of us will end up dating him. But we are gonna milk his attention anyways because he's a pretty kick ass guy to be around. xD

Alas, though I still have lingering feelings for Jeff, though it seems more like he's a lost cause. He really is a sweet guy and I did imagine being in a relationship with him, but I don't think that will happen because of where we are in our lives. He isn't exactly looking for a relationship while I am. It makes me a little sad, but it is how life goes. If something happens between us and we do get closer, that will be fine with me as well. I just want others to be happy.

As for the two other people I have grown fond of, well distance is the key factor mostly. Too far = no go. Visiting them both will be fun and an adventure, but it seems that that is all I will truly have. Which of course, I am okay with. Fun is always good as long as no one gets hurt. And I plan on making sure that no one does. I do get attached through the physical-which includes cuddling and playful kisses and the like so it will make things tough. But I'm okay with the fact that nothing can really happen other than a few nights of fun and bliss. It's better to have good memories than none at all.

On a last note, I'm just in a very good and mellow mood. No drugs were involved, lol. I need to hang out with the daughter more, I always feel so free after talking to her because she honestly and truly doesn't judge me and seems to be one of the few and far between friends I have that is like that. I'm glad I could tell her about my activities on fetlife and have her go, "Oh really? That's pretty cool. I might want to take a look at that." I know my mother would never be able to say something like that to me or accept that part of myself, so it's liberating to have someone who understands this about me and has similar thoughts.

Anyways, good night.​

Well, the decision was made. He picked Jess, which I already knew was going to happen. Thing is, people wonder why I don't have a lot of hope that I'll get chosen. I just know when someone else will be chosen over me. And Jess always is. I'm not bitter about it, honestly. I'm just...a little sad. I just wonder when my turn will come-when someone will pick me over someone else. I get passed over-I always have, it seems. I accept it. I always accept it. I'm honestly okay, I'm just...a little sad is all. I just want to be good enough. That's all..Anyways, at least shopping with her and my friend Mick will make me feel better, I suppose.

Guess I'll have to look harder for that someone.​

Yes, because it's so easy to just go "I'm still a fucking awesome person!" after something like that happening. I'm just down, that's all. I'll get over it and be fine later.​