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HeyThereLittleBear

🌸 goddess of spring 🌸
Joined
Nov 14, 2018
Messages
614
Location
North Carolina, USA
#51
i have so much that i could talk about in my journal, but i'm gonna keep shit simple here and say that i'm alive and will eventually return to my scheduled programming.

like, i know i've been saying that for a while but things will go back to normal eventually, yes?

my muse is being an absolute cunt and i hate not being able to write because fucking hell do i need to write some stories and distract my brain from what's going on.

i leave you all with some free uh... i'm gonna call it what it is -- this is fuckin' porn.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk8jV7r6VMk
 

HeyThereLittleBear

🌸 goddess of spring 🌸
Joined
Nov 14, 2018
Messages
614
Location
North Carolina, USA
#53
h'okay, well. my mental health has been pretty rocky these past few weeks and I'll admit I've been ignoring it with a passion that I honestly should put towards fixing it. I know that I need to gain control of all of this stuff but I'm so leery of the mental health provider in my area and my experiences with them so far haven't been positive in the slightest. I know the trigger that has set everything into motion and I know that I need to NOT bottle my emotions up the way that I do... But god damn. I'd really rather not deal with any of it at all. Avoiding the problem isn't fixing it but I really don't want to go through it.

I really should let a professional handle the problems and help me through it but I'm so so hesitant to talk with really anyone about it. It's such a sore spot and such a vulnerability for me that I don't know how long it would take for me to feel "safe" enough with someone to talk about it. I've been talking with my bess frenn about it but he's just as lost as I am when it comes to fixing things. It's been killing my muse to feel this low and to have all of this bubbling in me but I'm trying to maintain positivity. I can get depressed or I can work through things and help other people the way that I always have.

And as always, I have friends here on BMR that can help me through my dark times and navigate my way back towards the middle ground. It's rough sometimes but I'm working through it. Trying not to let it drag me but so low. I'm also trying not to dwell too much in the past. The memories I have are good, some of them are the happiest moments in my life, but they are just memories. Lingering in the past doesn't bring it back. It's simply distracting me from the now.

And for the now? I've got Mach. I talk about him often because he is such a major piece of my life and such a huge influence on me. He's become a safe zone for me. He is a stable part of my life and he is someone that I know is there without question. He's... Home. He's safety and comfort and peace. He is someone that I've never felt a negative emotion towards. We don't fight. We don't argue. There's no upset or anything. It's just support and friendship and laughter and gods do I need that in my life. I could not be more grateful to have him as my bess frenn. He's truly an incredible person to know and I'm just so so so thankful that he exists and we are close. Simply the best.

As for other things, I'm taking things one step at a time. I'm quite enamored and... Smitten, I suppose. Many positive feelings and emotions and I'm just going to simply enjoy things for what they are. I've got mental health things going on but I'm also... Content. I enjoy affection quite a lot and I enjoy how it makes me feel. My emotional status might swing because of my mental issues, but overall I've been quite happy these past few weeks as well. My two natures are at war with each other and I'm curious to see how things are going to progress with this battle.

I'm going to stay positive.


Stay wonderful, BMR. :heart:
 
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
32
#54
Emotional health is important, just as important as you, but everything takes time like you said and there's no substitute for companionship and affection. :heart:

Miss you and our chats BerBer! Your thoughts are always a welcome addition.
 

HeyThereLittleBear

🌸 goddess of spring 🌸
Joined
Nov 14, 2018
Messages
614
Location
North Carolina, USA
#56
Past few days have been wickedly busy for me, my loves. I've got a lot going on between work and personal life that my brain is a mess.

I haven't been sleeping well and I've barely been eating. I'm gonna work on sleep soon and hope that the things in my head calm down. I might get some kid free time soon and I'll be able to take a breath and do things like deep clean and maybe sleep in.

I love you all :heart:

Stay wonderful BMR
 
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