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【ｂｅａｒ＇ｓ　ｊｏｕｒｎａｌ】

i have so much that i could talk about in my journal, but i'm gonna keep shit simple here and say that i'm alive and will eventually return to my scheduled programming.

like, i know i've been saying that for a while but things will go back to normal eventually, yes?

my muse is being an absolute cunt and i hate not being able to write because fucking hell do i need to write some stories and distract my brain from what's going on.

i leave you all with some free uh... i'm gonna call it what it is -- this is fuckin' porn.


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yk8jV7r6VMk
 
Emotional health is important, just as important as you, but everything takes time like you said and there's no substitute for companionship and affection. :heart:

Miss you and our chats BerBer! Your thoughts are always a welcome addition.
 
Past few days have been wickedly busy for me, my loves. I've got a lot going on between work and personal life that my brain is a mess.

I haven't been sleeping well and I've barely been eating. I'm gonna work on sleep soon and hope that the things in my head calm down. I might get some kid free time soon and I'll be able to take a breath and do things like deep clean and maybe sleep in.

I love you all :heart:

Stay wonderful BMR
 
He's on my mind a lot lately. It's not healthy to be sad over the past so much but, welp. Here I am.

I'm working on focusing less on the past and enjoying things. The flowers in my garden are growing. My calla lilies are starting to sprout.

Spring is here.

Give me kisses with nectar on your lips, loves. ❤
 
HeyThereLittleBear said:
He's on my mind a lot lately. It's not healthy to be sad over the past so much but, welp. Here I am.

I'm working on focusing less on the past and enjoying things. The flowers in my garden are growing. My calla lilies are starting to sprout.

Spring is here.

Give me kisses with nectar on your lips, loves. ❤
Click to expand...

If you ever get a chance, watch Ronia, Robber's Daughter, on Netflix animation from a company related to Studio Gihbli.

I don't know if you'll like it, but she LOVES spring. :)
 
I've been dreading today for weeks and now today is here and nothing is different.

I need to remind myself: don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

It's been a hell of a day, my friends. I simply needed to say it.
 
HeyThereLittleBear said:
I've been dreading today for weeks and now today is here and nothing is different.

I need to remind myself: don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.

It's been a hell of a day, my friends. I simply needed to say it.
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry to hear of your ordeal; I will be praying for you. :)
 
【ｂｅａｒ＇ｓ　ｊｏｕｒｎａｌ】
​
I've had a lot on my mind lately, and a lot going on. My muse has been all but dead and I've struggled with even writing anything at all. I'm not sure why my muse is suffering, but it probably has to do with work. Work is... Hectic. I think I jumped from one fire to another and I'm... I dunno. I feel like I jumped from a ship into a stormy sea and I'm being tossed by the swells.​
[redacted]
I've grown distant, BMR. But I'm still here.

Love,
Little Bear​
 
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Distance is magic missing that little spark. It doesn't need to stay missing forever though. I doubt there's anything wrong with keeping your head down in the meantime as things get better, its something I do too.

Because if it gets lonely, there's always cake vodka. 💙
 
Life has been weird lately.

The company I work for is managed by piece of shit people and I've had a revolving door of supervisors since they can't keep someone. They have ridiculous requests that I have no way of filling. The pay isn't worth the shit they want me to do, and frankly I'm really tired of working for scummy people. I've seen them ask others to do things that are frankly illegal and I just... I can't. This is just ridiculous. I was warned that I would see this in this line of work but DAMN. This shit is insane.

So, while all of this is happening, I get some shocking news.

One of my uncles is dying. So, Thursday he was in the ICU, touch and go, definitely not gonna live. His kidneys are completely dead, his veins are shitty and collapsing left and right, and the main problem (which caused the kidney failure) is that he had an aortic aneurysm. He was taken off the ventilator and they were gonna see how the procedure they'd done on him went. Now, that was the last update I'd had until today. I was out of my mind with worry because although I'm not close to my mom, it's her YOUNGEST brother and she seemed pretty upset.

Well, fast forward to today, I hesitantly asked for an update on him and the update was GREAT but also TERRIBLE.

The procedure is one for the history books and even the doctors are amazed that it not only worked, but that my uncle is up and walking, talking, out of the ICU entirely. He's literally a walking miracle. That's the great news. Yes, his kidneys are still dead and he will need dialysis for the rest of his life and his veins are all collapsing, but he's alive. He can go back and be a father to his miracle child.

Nope!

He's been lying to the family about his sobriety and has been using heroin again, which is what caused all of this. It's why his veins are collapsing and WHILE STILL IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL, HE IS DEALING FROM HIS ALMOST LITERAL DEATH BED.

Like, wow.

This man KNOWS that his wife is in rehab and he is the sole caretaker of his daughter. But he's actively dealing drugs again after supposedly 10 years or more clean. I just... God. I'm so pissed that he would do this to himself and to his child. I'm pissed that my family wants to enable him by giving him money. I just... I'm dumbfounded. I truly am.

So, that's my life right now. OH, and I've had 2 interviews for 2 separate good paying jobs and no luck with that either. One keeps giving me the run around of "we're still interviewing" and the other kept the person that they already had in the position. So. I've got to hustle still while working this shit ass job then make my way somewhere better.

Love you guys. I'm gonna work on writing some... Eventually. I just got to get my head in a good space. I'm in angry thoughts space.
 
Look after yourself Bear. Coping with relatives with addiction can be baffling and crushing and awful all mixed together.

You know where I am if you want to talk at all. x
 
[redacted]

My muse has gone dormant, and I apologize to my partners for that. I'll make attempts to write something, anything really some time soon.

Love you all ♡
 
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HeyThereLittleBear said:
He's back in my dreams again.

I want to sleep forever to be with him again, but that's terrible. So instead, I have insomnia.

My muse has gone dormant, and I apologize to my partners for that. I'll make attempts to write something, anything really some time soon.

Love you all ♡
Click to expand...

The muse can be a very fickle thing. Mine has been fickle as hell the last year or so so I get it. Don't be hard on yourself. First and foremost you should honor the muse and go where it takes you. If it takes you nowhere, people can wait. There is no good in trying to force it.
 
Heyo all, major things have happened since I've last posted here, not all of them are things i'm gonna talk about but major updates

I finally got out, I'm moved and settled in, doing good.
I'm better mentally than I've been in... Fuck, years.
I'm trying to get my muse to come back to me after a while of not wanting to do anything at all, but that's a work in progress.

I'm better. I'm getting back to being me again, and that feels great.
 
I'm at a point in my life now where I'm having a question on whether writing is healthy for me anymore. I'm entering into a relationship that is entirely established in the real world and I'm fucking struggling. It's so fucking difficult to connect with someone in the real world anymore that it's absolutely terrifying. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.

The only thing that makes sense to me is the world of writing and roleplay, even with my muse being the fickle bitch that it is. I am struggling so hard to feel any connection to things in person and it's really starting to fuck with my head. I want to be excited for things but they simply don't compare to the feeling of a notification of a new reply from a roleplay partner or the excitement that comes from writing with someone new. I have explored so much through writing, quite literally lived my life through it. I found my soul mate through writing, even if it didn't work out. I found everything I ever wanted just through text and now I'm... Lost?

I don't know if I'm stunted emotionally/mentally from spending the past 20 years writing online, but it feels like it. I would rather spend the rest of my life writing stories that make my heart leap than meeting people who make me anxious and downright nervous about life. It's not healthy, but I don't know any other way to be. Writing has a hold of me that nothing else can compare to. I feel every emotion through it. I have always been someone who values reading above all else, even as a very very young child. I don't know if I can change who I am to be someone who lives outside of the world of text. Truth be told, I don't know if I actually want to live in the world outside of it.

I really thought I wouldn't make it to this age. It's enitrely unexpected, and this relationship has come out of nowhere. I'm so absolutely insuffiicient and my inability to connect on a real life level is fucking with me. I want to. I really really do. But I feel as if I'm falling flat when I could write worlds around what I feel instead of actually going through it.

Writing is the only thing that has ever made me feel good. It has brought every emotion to me. It has been therapeautic, enriching, and so much fun. I don't want to give it up. I can't give it up. Being a writer is who I am. But right now, I'm so so scared that I've become so much of a writer I don't know how to live anymore.

Why should I live my actual life when it doesn't give me the same sensation as writing does?

Absolutely incomparable.

I'm torn between trying to live life and trying to get my muse to work so I can actually feel something.

I want to write something.

I really, really want to write something.
 
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