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Hard to be in the Light if you find comfort in the Dark (open to comments)

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Well, I'm back from my hiatus. So I'm gradually be picking up on rps again. I might just keep 3-5 going for now until things shift for be to puck up the full set. If you're rping with me and you get a reply to an rp, that means you're number was pulled.
 
Okay, so I'm in a bit of a conundrum here. It would appear that my coming off a hiatus was premature. I may(high chance of it being will but I'm staying positive here) get put out of where I am staying at the moment come the first week in June. The only way to prevent it is to help fix up a trailer. It would be worth doing if I wasn't under the suspicion that the landlord might throw me out onto the street if/when it was finished regardless of what I do. So my question is, what should I do and is there anywhere I can go that might help me get on my feet if/when I am told to leave. Any more details must be asked for in a pm, I'm not broadcasting where I live to the world, sorry.
 
After some self-evaluation, I realize I'm started giving myself what feels like a slightly negative reputation. A lot of what I've posted in this journal thing has been negative as of late so I'm planning to change that. I've also gotten the notion that some people may have gained a negative view of me due to my actions on the site. For that, I deeply apologize and sincerely regret it. I'll admit that I am a fool and an idiot any day of the week, but I genuinely want to be the best I can be.
 
Who would have a negative view of you?! You're fine! That's what the journal is for it to rant. I hope you're doing okay! :3 -snuggles-
 
Having one of my bleh days. Not sure what to do about it. Only thing I can think of to do is to tell myself to shut the fuck up and fucking deal with it. Guess it's one of my bad days that I try not to let get me too down. Here's to better days and brighter futures.
 
Blacker and blacker it gets, it would seem. Seems like I'm going backwards in some cases. I don't know what to do. I'm just staring at an abyss in a hole and wondering if and/or when I am gonna fall in. It sucks and is demoralizing at the same time as I know I can avoid it but I just can't seem to find the willingness to. Maybe I gotta fall in before I can get out.
 
My irl issues just don't seem to be getting better. My family is stressing me out and pissing me off as usual. But, it's all good since I'll find a way out of it soon enough. I'm still holding on somehow. I've got faith that I'm going where I need to go. It may not be fast or particularly fun, but I'm not giving up yet.
 
People have had that time heals as life goes on. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not, but I'm just finding its hard to remain positive in fucked up circumstances that you can't fix unless you have a means to. I'm tired and sick of sitting around. Yet it's all I can do as I can't drive. I'm just trying to stay positive.
 
I've started to feel like a dumbass again. Must be the depression talking but I've been pretty sad lately. It's just a demoralizing feeling whenever I start thinking I could have done something differently. I'm not sure what I could have done but I'm getting more depressed by things lately. I hope I'm not losing my mind.
 
-Snuggles- Try and keep your mind away from the what-ifs. Everything will be okay!
 
Well, things seem to be getting better. Yet I feel as if I've lost something that was important to me. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm crying on the inside. It's a feeling that is all too familiar. I never wanted to feel like this again. I don't get why I start feeling this way at times. It gets old very fucking fast.
 
Again with the ship of depression. It comes and goes, but it's always there. Am I alright? Probably not, misery for me is like karma and payback. It can be one hell of a bitch when it wants to. I'm literally choking on it.

But I know what I want now. I want a friend that, even if I haven't met them irl, would be willing to pack up on their free time and come see me personally at least once. It could just be to say hi. That would cheer me up. Make my day and allow me to genuinely smile again without feeling like I'm some kind of sideshow freak that has to be thrown out to the wolves.

I'm tired of being lonely. Before long, I'm gonna start believing that I'm gonna be alone my entire life. I know that is not true but it looks like it. I don't want to be alone anymore. I've been that way for almost going on 23 years now. I want to know what it's like to be happy and know that it won't be fleeting.


I want to be able to cry and know someone would be willing to cry with me because they care about me.
 
-Huggles-
I hope everything looks up for you!
 
Hopefully things start looking up soon.

On the plus side, I reconnected with a friend from a site I used to be on. Negative side, the area where they live was hit with a really bad storm. I'm just happy they're okay.
 
Sailing Sam said:
Cypherxk2 said:
Having a growing sense of disgust with myself. Looking to fix that before it gets worse. Call it overreacting but I'm not taking any chances.

While not completely true, this is close to how I feel.
Click to expand...
Hoping you feel better soon.

Hugs and thoughts going your way.
Click to expand...

Thanks Sam, things have been a severe roller coaster for me as of late but I'm getting through somehow. I'm kinda glad I'm too boneheaded to give up on some things.
 
I've begun to fathom this question.

What is the point of being on a rp forum site if you are going to rp at least 60% of the time on an off site messenger or email?

I can understand that with some people it's A) Faster and B) more convenient, but correct me if I'm wrong, wouldn't that count as a loophole for breaking site rules? I'm not knocking anyone, nor is it my intention to. I just ask as It seems rather pointless to be on a rp site if you don't actively use the site itself to rp. I, myself, would take some heavy convincing to rp off site unless I knew the user very well.

On another note, I feel like a fucking douchebag because I lack muse for some of my rps. It's frustrating because the users whom I have those rps with I have partially, and at one point, totally flaked one. It pisses me of as the users have become friends to me, and I feel like it's disrespectful to them. Call it a moral sense a honor. I hate keeping my rp partners waiting. Makes me feel I'm not really doing something correctly. Ughh.
 
I've been a lot of things, but smart is the most flucuant of what I've been. I have my successes, but my failures are what hurt the most. It sucks because I feel like I drive away people unintentionally because of how I am despite and because of those failures. My falls are more like drops. They may slow, but they never really end. I'm lost because of how debilitating that can be.
 
It's funny, but every time I replay that moment when I saw her again in my mind and think about what I heard her say, it feels like someone hit me with a high power taser because I can almost swore I can hear her voice again. My mind was practically putty the rest of the day as everything I though was gone hit me all over again. Before, when she left out of my life in school, we left things on bad terms. Everything inside screamed and prayed I could see her again.

When it did, it was like a hammer hit me. It wasn't long after that that I realized something. I loved her, and I inwardly lamented that I hadn't realized it sooner. If fate would have meet again and she say she wanted to stay with me, in my heart, I probably wouldn't say no. I knew her since eighth grade, and she made me realize there are people who've had it worse that me. I owe her so much for that.

I just hope she knows I miss her.
 
It's funny how just one thing can spark immense disappointment in oneself. Maybe that's what what I needed. I don't know, but I can't help feeling like I screwed up and I know I did. That thought makes me think I need to hang up roleplaying for a bit to really think about what I'm doing.

I know it's said you're a failure only if you believe you are a failure, but right now, Despite me believing I'm not a failure, I feel like I really did fail. I failed and once again have to live with the disappointment of that failure. That hurts me the most since my life IRL is in shambles. I've gotta accept that if I'm gonna move forward.
 
Increasing tension IRL has severely crippled my drive to rp. I may end up going dark for a extended period of time due to thing related to that tension. Sure sucks to be me right now.
 
We'll be here waiting for you when you get that urge and itch to rp again. As much as you think things suck right now, they're going to get better. It's the natural order of life and how things work.

Stay strong and keep your head up. Better times are ahead for you. :heart:
 
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