Hard to be in the Light if you find comfort in the Dark (open to comments)

[Cypherxk2]

Well, figure I'd start a journal to write down my random thought and rant. Worst that could happen is someone uses it to track me down IRL. It be much at first, I probably won't be adding much unless I take a notion to. If it really takes off I'm be more active with it. Who knows, it might help me become a better person.

Anywho, April of last year came as a real shock. I had to have my gullbladder removed due to it being necrotic. Prognosis was had I not gone to the hospital when I did, I would have died from it rupturing. I took it pretty well, though I blamed myself as I felt I should have been able to prevent it. Eventually, I came to grips with the fact there was nothing I could have done as I had no idea about it until the day after I ended up in the hospital. I consider myself lucky I survived the experience, as I wouldn't have met the people I have met afterward. One in particular I am really glad I met. Who, you ask? You'll have to guess.

 

[Ironic]

I had no idea you went through that! Poor thing. ):
How did you know something was wrong? Was it just pain in that area?
I know a lot of people who had to get it removed. I'm glad you're okay and here with us!
-Snuggles-

 

[Cypherxk2]

I didn't know about it at all until about a few days before it was removed. Let me tell you, that was the closest I hope I ever get to the feeling of having a child. Until it was gone, I couldn't move without wanting to scream bloody murder.

 

[Dark Desires]

[size=-2]You're alive and still going, in the end that's what matters.[/size]

 

[Haruchai]

Wow! That's kinda crazy. Most people who have gallbladder problems have a really hard time keeping food down. Like, anything. That you didn't have the "normal" symptoms probably led to you not going to the hospital as early as most. Really lucky, and congrats that it all worked out!

I had my appendix out a few years ago after it almost ruptured and was told it would have exploded inside me within about twelve hours if I had not come in. Things like that happening inside your body are scary. >_<

 

[Cypherxk2]

As some may have read from another topic on the site, I survived a fire when I was younger. At the time, the firefighters who were responding to the call had been told that I was in the trailer I lived in by my parent that was with me at the time and had decided that they would do a body recovery after the fire burned itself out. My parent, actually deserving to be a parent at the time, tore a window out of the back bedroom, frame and all, in an attempt to get to me. They were stopped, but the firefighters had finally gone in and pulled me out. By then, I had stopped breathing at somepoint.

From what I was told, the shock of being put on the cold ground at the time had shocked my system enough to get me breathing again. After that, it was said that the firefighter who carried me to an ambulance appeared to not even touch the ground as he ran up the hill of the trailer park I lived in. All I remember was waking up in the hospital sometime after in a hyperbaric chamber. I recovered fairly quickly, but my parent was hospitalized along with me. We both survived the experience, but I've always had a fascination with fire since then. Strange but true, I find fire to be an intriguing thing because of my experience.

Who knows, I might even have been a firefighter in a past life.

 

[Cypherxk2]

Snapped at my mother today, didn't mean to but as we all know emotional frustration is a real bitch. I was trying to do something and she kept pushing me for something. We're too much alike for our own good. I try to do what I can, but I can't do everything. When will the storm I'm in end?

 

[Cypherxk2]

"Stay, you don't really know where you stand, til you know that you won't run away. There's something inside me that feels.... Like breathing in Sulfer." Slipknot- Sulfer

"Let me live my live. I can go get my knife, or I can pull out the one that you stuck in my back. For my suffering, you have nothing to gain. My pain is your entertainment." Saint Asonia- Let me live my life

The bits of lyrics of the preceding songs resonate with me strongly. It wasn't until recently until I heard the songs, but they both stuck with me. To me, they seem to allude to how I've been hurt by others and have wanted said hurt to end. I try to understand what I gained from it but Its difficult sometimes to see what was in front of me. I'm still trying, but I know I've regressed as much if not more than I've progressed.

 

[Ironic]

-Hugs tightly-

I love it when song lyrics speak to you. It's comforting in its own unique way.
I always live by "You need bad days so you can appreciate the good ones." Sometimes people have bad luck and get more of the bad than the good.
The wounds heal and you have scars to tell of the past, and that makes you so much stronger than anyone else! You're awesome and I hope you know that. If you don't think so don't even try to argue with me! ;P

 

[Cypherxk2]

(Emotional rant/announcement)

I've decided that I would hold myself to a higher standard where player inclusion is concerned recently. I've begun to notice a pattern that in some cases in the past(won't name any and do not want anyone to comment on this entry. If you must comment, send it directly to me.), I have either ignored a character or made it difficult for the person I'm rping with to reply. That said, if I discover or have it brought to my attention that I have forgotten a character or have essentially cut my partner out of the rp we are doing, regardless of how good of a parntership I have with the other person, I will vouch for the termination of the rp. While I hate doing so as it would be invested energy and time wasted, I am lowering my tolerance for excluding partners and becoming stricter on my roleplaying.

While I acknowledge that I am indeed being rather harsh on myself, this decision is ultimately to make me a better roleplayer and is an effort to hold myself more accountable for my actions. In the end, I'm just trying to be a better writer and person. Thus, I intend to include my rp partner at all times. If I can't, then I deserve the same as what my partner received. Fair is fair, and I strive to be as fair as possible. While I think nothing but the best for my partners, ignoring them is disrespectful and wrong. I'm not going to tolerate being disrespectful to the people I rp with, as I would be disrespecting myself.

 

[Ironic]

I think you're a wonderful role player with an exquisite vocabulary! I'm grateful we're RPing together and I always look forward to your responses!

 

[Cypherxk2]

I'm an idiot and I know it. The times I get impulsive are the times I damage my character. As much as I try to be fair, sometimes my actions are anything but. In the end, I end up being a hypocrite. I hate it, but I don't deny it. I can be, and most definitely have been, a hypocrite. It just calls into question why I roleplay. I've damaged my character on the site and I admit it. It's something that I know will haunt me.

 

[Ironic]

I hope you find time to clear your mind and feel better.
Feel free to message me if you need to talk.
You know I'm always here for you.

 

[Cypherxk2]

I may have gained a lot in my life, but I've lose even more. I've gained friends and lost them, even when I tried reaching out to stay connected to them. In the end, I am accustomed to losing things I value most. I try not to lement over it, knowing that people come and go in my life. It still hurts, especially when I know that I had something to do with that loss. I just know that it wasn't meant to last.

 

[Cypherxk2]

I've been feeling hollow, like I'm becoming detached from things again. Maybe I'm just crazy, but it feels like something is wrong, and I can't put a finger on it. I don't want to be detached from anything. That only happens when I start to let life go. Times haven't been favorable to me, but I don't want to be isolated. I need people to be there for me as I don't want to slip and fall through the cracks.

 

[Ironic]

-Snuggles-

I'll always be here for you if you need anything. You're not in this life alone, so definitely lean on people for support!

 

[Cypherxk2]

-Snuggles-

I'll always be here for you if you need anything. You're not in this life alone, so definitely lean on people for support!

Thanks, Ironic. That means a lot to me.

________

I know what I believe inside, but it doesn't feel like I'm alive sometimes. I feel as though I'm just living a life not my own. I want out, and I want to live a life all my own. I don't need glit and glam, I just want to be happy with what I leave behind for the following generations. This time, I'm ready to blaze my own trail. Failure isn't gonna define me anymore.

 

[Cypherxk2]

UUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! I'm so fucking sick of having to drop what the fuck I am doing just to do something someone else could do IF THEY ACTUALLY TRIED TO FUCKING DO IT. I'm sorry, I'm not being paid to be someone's goddamn caretaker. If I couldn't do something for myself, I'd want someone to fucking kill me as I don't want anyone to wait on me. I want to be as independent as possible. I don't want to be tied to anyone unless I WANT TO BE tied to them. I'm sick of this, and I'm growing beyond pissed off. Where the hell is that damn exit? I want off this self-destructive highway before I do something really stupid.

 

[Ironic]

 

[Cypherxk2]

Despite the frustration and lies, I'm still here. It doesn't matter what I've done in the past. I've got a future to look forward to. Worrying will only destroy it. I'm not alone and I won't allow myself to be. I'm alive, and I've got a long path ahead of me. I won't run from it anymore.

 

[Cypherxk2]

I've been wondering lately if I was confused. I don't know where I am going or what I am doing in life. I feel like I'm stuck in a place of my own creation and can't get free. Or is it that I lost myself and my way at some point. I don't know, but I know I'll find my true path soon enough. Time is a resource I have too much and not enough of. I just hope I find something to do with it soon.

 

[Cypherxk2]

I've started wondering how I am really doing. I'm worried that I'm going the wrong way. Its terrifying to me that nothing seems to have happened. When did things get so messed up? Will I ever get ahead of the road I'm on? I don't really know, but I gotta try somehow.

 

[Ironic]

You can do it. I'm rooting for you every, every single step you take towards the quickly arising future! C:
-Snuggles-

 

[Cypherxk2]

Suffice to say, I've officially had it. I'm done living with my mother and brother. I've had it with being stuck in one place because I can't walk anywhere without getting hit. I've had enough with having to drop what I'm doing just to do something for someone who could do the same if they pushed themselves. I'm sick of walking up a damn hill and finding that I'm out of breath because I am not where I fit in and am becoming what I vowed not to. I'm sick of all of it. I know my mother and brother are family but I've had enough. This shit is FUCKING KILLING ME EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Sooner or later I'm gonna just pack up and go. If they just want to scrap up the dregs off the bottom of the barrel, they can go right the fuck ahead. I've gotta start living my life again before I decide to fucking end it. I'm not gonna live until I fucking 25 being a human crutch for someone. I FUCKING refuse to live like that. If you won't/don't help yourself achieve a better life, I don't motherfucking need you.

et quamdiu in infernis arderet, carissimi familia

I'm done with doing the same fucking shit from 7 damn years ago. Swim in despair without me.

 

[Cypherxk2]

With how things are going IRL, I may end up disappearing for a indeterminate amount of time. Stress and frustration is leading me to dark places that I refuse to go to again. All I will say is some families are better left broken. I can't count on hardly anyone for emotional support as they rather have a pity party for themselves or make me seem like I'm wrong because I won't do things for them because they either have too much to deal with or just hardly do shit. FUCK ALL OF THEM BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THEM.