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Wavers of Reality — [& Journal]

Happy Anniversary BMR, kinda. It's been about a year since I signed up for this site. I was quite intoxicated, studying for a math test in the morning, searching for distractions. A rewarding distraction, as it afforded me encounters with numerous talented role play partners and writers. I honestly am confuzzled how I passed that test.

Today I have confirmed an observation that some people use "I feel" as something inflexible and "I think" as something open for discussion, while some other people use "I feel" as something open for discussion and "I think" as something inflexible.
The former types seem to be less comfortable with emotion. The latter types seem to be comfortable with emotion.
 
The problem(I dare not speak of it here) I've been painfully dragging through the mud for the past month initiated resolve today. I take responsibility strictly on the time, for allowing it to persist against my better judgement. Maybe I should have ended it, maybe more effectively said what needed to be addressed regardless the other person's circumstances, but I can't change that so I shan't dwell on it. I regret nothing, I proceeded with the best I thought given the circumstances and communications at the time.
I think of these situations as trials and errors of communication, stepping stones so two people can more efficiently jigsaw to each other. Then I think of some other things I've analyzed and I'm not as certain I should, that it would not be a good idea, but also notice why would be a good idea. If it works, it works; if it doesn't, it doesn't.


Oh yes, I screwed up and missed my midterms, so I stopped attending classes this semester. That will be fun to explain to colleges and medical schools. This is as much as a good thing for me as it could be bad. The stressors loaded from this did not outweigh the ones unloaded.
 
Day 8 of this health detox/cleanse.
Day 8 of spending time apart from a person.

The green powder shake tastes like elephant dung rolled in sand. Just the powder sometimes gets stuck to my teeth and the roof my mouth if I try to swallow it whole like a pill. I prefer it to drinking the grainy liquid. I kinda miss wine as much as I do not.
I allowed an exchange with this person late last night. I missed him, I told him that. I didn't miss him, I told him that. One of the things I neglected to tell him, I wanted to exchange with him almost as much as he did- but I can't. What I'm doing is for the best.


Some time ago I started watching porn, again. The same patterns arise. I've noticed the harmful effects; one is my imagination and concentration is fried slightly, another one is poor(<I typed this as porn, lol) sexual performance and results without it, another one is I've been fixated on certain appearances and kinks- becoming a bit superficial and judgmental if not present. It's fake and mostly digital retouching, it's not healthy to sexualize such things.
No more porn. Ahhh.
 
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Wtf. Rest in pieces, Andrew. You will be missed gravely. Haha, a bit of my morbid humor streak you liked so much- rest in peace.​
 
I don't understand people whom require to be "the best" when choosing a partner. In this case, the more intelligent one. It's much more appealing, attractive and noble to be comfortable with yourself and with your potential partner's qualities- even if it is better than yours; actually that can make you appear more intelligent. Just because someone may or may not be more intelligent than you doesn't make you any less. And if they are more intelligent than you, then it's an opportunity to learn from them and learn new things to enhance yourself independently- just have fun with it.




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Halloween is my favorite time of the year. c:

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A friend has yet to select a costume. We mused if worse comes to worse we'll bleach his hair, throw him in a blue suit with a red tie and he'll be Donald Trump for Halloween. Oh, can't forget to horribly blotch brilliant orange foundation on his face, too.

Ultimate horror costume.

I might conspiratorially dye his hair rainbow instead. He can go as a flaming fag.



I have chicken thighs marinating in BBQ sauce. I added red food coloring to make it look like blood. Bloody organs it looks like.

Tomorrow I'll create horror nachos, I'll dye the melted cheese different shades of green(perhaps some brownish-red), to mimic mucus/membranes.

I'll reshape cheese blocks into sticks and sparingly rub yellow food coloring to make them appear as shaved bone.

I'll peel the skin off red and green grapes, it will look similar to eyeballs.

I'll drip a few drops of red coloring into red wine and yellow coloring into white wine. Blood and urine.

With the asparagus I'll... I'll... oh! I'll Julienne cut the asparagus and cook them with blue coloring, to resemble veins.

I'm typically too lazy to cook, though, this is more considered creation!
 
I could never develop a liking for politics, still do not, though this election was much more than that. I am gravely embarrassed to be an American.

This is a nightmare.

This is partly because ignorant, uneducated rednecks reproduce 27X faster than valuable members of society.

>Most qualified woman in the world loses to the least qualified man in the world. In case If you were confused about what misogyny looks like
>Clinton: 59,600,546 - Trump: 59,389,590 (thus far); The people did speak. It didn't matter. Outdated electoral college.
Little men with destructive insecurity issues, low worth and small dicks. Biased, rigged, ignorant, patriarchal.
The irony is that some men think oppressing women will make them more "comfortable", but in reality they are only then setting a higher standard to be expected of men. So what these little men create they then get frustrated at what they cannot measure.

>Millions of Blacks, Hispanics, LGBT+ and immigrants are scared for their lives and you're happy that your taxes might go down

>How do I explain this to my children http://www.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/11/09/van-jones-emotional-election-results-sot.cnn

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cw04miWUQAA8Kl3.jpg This is not what I wanted for my birthday week. Or these candidates for that matter.

Whenever someone tries to explain the stupidity of Americans, bring up this election. Point irrefutably proven.

What is really scary is that people are actually excited about Trump being elected. And the number of them.

In more positive news, at least 4 women won governor and senator.


> denotes cited from social media.
 
Today I bought a new brand of dryer sheets, Snuggle, because it struck me as adorable and reminded me of my childhood blanket and bear. This equals adult.

I'll be departing for vacation later rather than sooner. I'll be returning next weekend and will conduct replies then.
 
I had vodka last night. I'm not used to vodka. I drank more than I anticipated at that last hour or two; vodka isn't wine. Count the lucky stars of those that had the misfortune of coming into contact with me.
 
About six years.
I have done it.
I have gotten into medical school with tops marks and proceeded to perform at a similar level at the expense of my social life and mental health. But is it all worth it?
 
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