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The cumming of the Apocalypse

I had a dream last night that made me wake with a cold sweat. I just want to get it off my chest.

Walking through a small town with children playing, women cleaning homes and chatting with neighbors. I hear no sound, no laughter, though i can see the children laughing, nor do i hear the sounds of the forest, there is a faint crackling but i am unsure of its origin. No men in sight. I walk unnoticed amongst the towns people, i smile as children run past me. As i turn to watch them run away the the picture i see in front of me flickers and fades out.

Its the same town i see but all the small houses are burnt to the ground. A woman is kneeling on the ground her grey with ash, tears streaking down her cheeks. Her mouth is open and her head is tilted back wards as she cries aloud. Her child held to her chest as she rocks his limp body. I can not hear her cries only the sound of the fire.

Standing there my heart in my throat i hear a womans voice whisper low in my ear, "we dream." I turn to look, make a full circle, but see no one. Looking back at the mother and her child i hear the voice again. "We dream child, we dream of dragons," I look again but see no one. "Dragons with silver tongues and beautiful faces. Dragons that promise great things, and leave only hurt and heart break behind. Dragons so beautiful and frighting you cant help but touch. They mean to harm you child, we aim to protect you."

My alarm went off after that.
 
I thought i was going to be okay. The longer he is away, and the closer i get to my period, the more depressed i get. I feel like i cant breath like the walls are closing in, the days are slowing down. I cry too much, too often, and I don't want to. Grrr hormonal imbalance...PMS you suck. Loneliness is not helping the depression, either. I need a life.
 
so i have been haveing a pretty good couple of days, for the most part. There have been a few hiccups and a sad realization or two. My father being his usual jack ass self, and loneliness slowly consuming me. I must, however, move forward. I can not let the little things hold me down. i am sure this sounds redundant, prolly cause i have said it all before. I am tired of being walked on and used. I am not a goddamned doormat. I am not here for your entertainment.
 
In twenty years, i will be forty-two, and that scares the crap out of me. I am afraid of growing old, there are a few reasons why, or at least the reasons why i think i feel this way. First, is I think when i reach my forties or so i am going to look back and be disappointed with how i turned out. I know i am not where i want to be in life now, what if it just keeps snowballing and i don't accomplish anything in life. I realize 20 years is a long time to get back on track and become who i want to be, but i just don't see it happening.

Another reason is, my Grandmother died of Alzheimer's disease, and as her grand daughter i have a sixty-six percent chance of getting the disease. I watched my grandmother die a slow, painful, and frightening death and i do not want to go through that. I don't want to forget my family and friends, it is a lonely disease and i don't want to die alone.

Menopause is another reason, it just seem ridiculously miserable to me and kind of unnecessary. Our body's put us through an awful lot of bs just for us to stop having babies. Years of hot flashes and hormonal imbalances. Seems cruel to me, i mean don't we suffer enough through the forty plus years we have of periods and pregnancy?

The last reason is kind of a conceded one, but i just don't want to get old, like i don't want to get old people skin, saggy boobs, or wrinkles. I like the way i look, and i don't want it to change. I mean my breasts sag enough as it is..i can not imagine them in twenty years. I don't want to get old, I am watch my mom and all my aunts go through it...I do not want.
 
I think my depression is about to get really bad...Loss of appetite, crying at the drop of a hat, extremely anxious, shrinking libido, feeling inadequate. I am shrinking into myself slowly and my mind is my worst enemy.
 
I miss my King so bad it hurts. Even though i talk to him every day, its not the same as being in his arms. He is my best friend and everything feels right when i am with him. I have had nightmares every night since i got back from MO. I am going to see him the first weekend of September in Texas. I cant wait.
 
A lot has happened since I last posted, on July 8th of 2011 kingschoolyou and I said our vows and became husband and wife. Then in September I moved to Va to be live with him. In November we found out we were going to have a baby. I am now 11 weeks pregnant and can't wait to have the baby. Life as of late has been very stressful and there are a lot of things I can't wait for to be over. Hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to go home to Michigan to see my mom, it has been pretty rough without her.
 
I hate being sick, more then anything else, even when it comes down to the smallest cold. I don't like feeling weak, and when i am sick it takes everything out of me. I find that i cry a lot more for no reason when sick, and usually i don't mind crying because well i am very emotional. When i am sick however, crying just makes me cranky. I had an upper respiratory infection and my doctor gave me a z-pack (antibiotics) and not ten minutes after i took them i started feeling like i was getting the flu. for the last three days i have had a major headache, stuffed nose and sore throat on top of all the other aches and pains of pregnancy. It has sucked to say the least and i just want it to be over, hopefully only two more days and i will be back to 100%.
 
I am really excited about Valentines day dinner. I just hope I am not taking on more then i can handle.
Wedge salad with raspberry-chocolate vinaigrette, good qulity steak or lamb, Carmalized scallops
Ice cream truffles and chocolate covered strawberries.
 
I am probably going to sound like a brat or something for saying this, but right at this moment, I don't care. It is really frustrating that no one has said anything about my tattoo, I love it so much and I am so proud of it but no one has said a word. I really shouldn't care, but I can't put it on face book because I told my parents I didn't get one because it was a 400 dollar tattoo. I just want someone else besides my husband to tell me what they think...
 
Your cutie mark? I thought I commented on Fetlife... Well, in any case, it does look incredible. You should take some more pictures when you get a chance!
 
Today is Kingsy and my wedding anneversary, we have been together four years and been married two. I can't believe so much has happened to us in such a short time but I am so glad it has. We met on bluemoon October of '09 and it didn't take me long to know he was the one for me. I am so happy to be together with him and hope we have 50 more years of happiness together.
 
I don't care if I sound like a child but, it's not fucking fair. I can't get a break, it's like every time I get my hopes up for anything it just falls through. I think we are going to get back on track with money and boom we get an unexpected bill for 170. Then my parents were supposed to come down for my babies first birthday, but they couldn't get enough money fir the trip. Now my parents are going to miss another big event in my little man's life. My heart hurts so bad and I can't stop crying.
 
I hate stupid zombie dreams, I am such a chicken, laying in bed trying to figure out weather or not I was having a dream or remembering thing. Granted David Tenant was in it as the doctor and that should have been a huge clue, but I still laid here wondering if it was safe to get up and go pee. Stupid overactive imagination...
 
I realized how afraid i am of snakes until the nightmare i had this morning. The dream its self was pretty good, but every time i went outside this one snake friggin attacked me. it was like he was waiting for me. I have so much hate for this damn snake that doesn't even exist, and every time he bit me Kingsy would pull it off and just throw it away from me. I kept yelling at him to just kill the damn thing but he just said it was cruel...ass hole
 
Also, I am going to spend a couple of weeks in Michigan with my family. Friday my little man turns one, and Sunday, Kingsy, leaves for San Antonio for a week. I am going to miss him SO much but he will be up there to pick us up on the 28th
 
Needing to vent...

How is it that my brother gives me a hundred dollars while in Michigan, and you want me to save it for gas for your truck. However, when I log into the bank account there is over 150 in charges for Xbox, lol, and restaurants? So you can spend all you want but garret and I can't have any money to do stuff? What because you are alone at home and I am at my parents house you think that's enough of an excuse to be a selfish prick? I can't enjoy myself while I'm here but you can go buck wild? Glad to see your priorities are in check.
 
My depression is sinking in again, it's like a weight on my chest and I can't breathe, I don't want to do anything. It's been coming for a while seeping into my soul, the only reason I get out of bed anymore is for my son.
 
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