Evan didn't realize the other was actually afraid. he'd never actually hurt the other. he might ignore him for a few weeks, might spank him, strap him, punish him but he would never permanently mark or leave hurts that lasted for more than a few days. he knew it was rather weak of him, soft of him but he loved Max and if that was the way it had to be, then that's how he would do it. he would never risk Max. even marking up his back now, he was careful not to cut deep, not to overlap a welt too many times. he watched the other, running his hands through his hair he just thought the other was too overwhelmed. it didn't occur to him that the other was upset until he started to stutter. "...Max?" he asked, tensing himself before pulling his fingers out and gently turning the other to face him. "fuck! Max... why didn't you say something!? you didn't use your safe word!" Evan protested, looking worried. "hey. it's okay. hey. shh now." Evan whispered, carefully setting his hand on the other's face. "it's okay. i'm not mad." he promised, gently gathering the other into his arms, simply holding him because he couldn't bring himself to do anything else. touching the other in a sexual way would probably only make it worse. "hold on, i'm picking you up." he warned softly, carrying the other to the bed and gently settling him down on his belly before racing upstairs to get the medical supplies. there was a cream in there he'd ordered specially. it would soften the welts and prevent long lasting marking, and there was a numbing agent in it to help numb the pain.
he raced back down the stairs and murmured soft reassurances, gently running cool water over the others back, using his hand, not a cloth to clean the welts, wary of causing more damage or pain to the other. "i'm so sorry Max. i wasn't reading you the way i should have been. this is all my fault. you just lay still and calm down a bit okay and i'll make you all better." Evan promised, mortified to realize he was starting to cry. how could he have done this to Max? his Max? he carefully uncapped the cream and gently slid it over the welts and marks, he knew he should do the others chest too, where he had carved the other u a bit, but he couldn't bring himself to make Max lay on his back. "i'm so sorry..." Evan whispered, smoothing more cream onto the others back, feeling the tears drip from his eyes. it was impossible. he hadn't cried since he was six. what was the point of tears? they solved nothing. they would not make his mother stop hating him, they would not feed his empty stomach, they would not sooth his raging soul. so why was he crying now? it would not make Max better. it would nt make him feel less guilty. why cry? he didn't know.