So on a scale from 1-10 ...
I'd say the trip was an 8-9 overall.
Besides my mother, I could have done without my body acting up also.
My back, legs, knees, or all in the worst case scenario, ached like hell.
I'm .... I guess more out of shape than I realized.
And I'm not proud of it.
This needs to be remedied ... somehow.
But I'm scared that no matter how hard I try, nothing is going to work/happen.
Still, I know my dad's right and I need to make an attempt.
Anyway ...
Fun as the trip was, I'm glad to be back now.
I'll get back to everyone ASAP.
Thanks guys for being patient with me.
Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing Mood: Ill & Depressed Listening to: "Savin' Me" ~ Nickelback
Thoughts:
24th June - 8th July, 2014
Funny how every time I try to vanish and forget, it never works out.
The concepts of fate and irony truly are fickle, always showing up when one least expects them.
I'm sorry .. so sorry.
There's probably tons of people who wish I would just go away for good with how on and off I've been here.
I can't blame anyone.
I hate myself ... so much.
I never used to be so indecisive.
But for whatever rhyme or reason, I am now.
I just ... I have no excuse.
I've let so many people here down.
I'm so sorry ....
Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing Mood: Accomplished Listening to: "Another Way To Die" ~ Disturbed
Thoughts:
9th July - 21st July, 2014
So the best adjective to summarize how I've been as of late is one word;
Busy, busy, busy, and ... did I mention busy?
It''s mainly been with an event taking place on HEX.
To be more exact, the Restock event Slytherin house is hosting.
As Prefect, I was placed in charge - originally - of two tasks.
I wound up also creating what was supposed to be the vice/Assistant Head of House's tasks; well, one of them.
Amazingly, it's actually been incredibly successful.
Definitely more than I thought.
In addition, we got Ares a playmate.
Everyone ... meet Apollo
He's ... about 10 weeks old now.
We got him on the 10th of this month and his DOB is May 6th I believe.
I don't feel like doing math right now x.x
Aside from an annoying-ass sleeping schedule and some other things,
I finally feel pretty damn good actually.
I got accepted to be a returning professor and will teach Postmortem Studies (essentially Necromancy) for the Graduates this year.
I might consider a second ... but I dunno.
I'm already going to be busy enough with my Prefect & Magical Educational Moderator duties.
I probably shouldn't push my luck.
But ... I'll see how things go.
Knowing me, I may just try anyway -- assuming I don't get into Quidditch and/or Debate, both of which I am gonna try for
Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing Mood: Nervous Listening to: "I Knew You Were Trouble" ~ Taylor Swift
Thoughts:
22nd July - 24th July, 2014
Another year for my brother's birthday to roll around.
I ... I want to try to call him later today.
And yet, I don't know if I can handle a repeat of last year.
It stung and it still does.
Got his voicemail, the damn phone didn't ring at all.
So I left a message with my number.
He didn't fucking call ... at all.
Not to say 'Hey', 'Thanks', nada.
It pissed me off and hurt me, broke my heart even.
Where did shit go so wrong between us?
It can't only be because he still dislikes Veinexes
And if it is ...
He needs to fucking grow up!
He's 26 now.
I realize I found Veinexes at a really bad time in my family's life; literally months after Nana and Granddaddy passed away.
But do I still have to be the bad guy?
It doesn't seem fair to think I may be labeled as that.
I took my entrance exam and passed so I begin my Psychology class on August 18th.
The day after, I'm scheduled to get a sleep study done for my sleep apnea.
Depending on the results of that will determine if I get my tonsils (and something else I'm forgetting) removed or not.
I'm scared about the thought of going into another surgery.
But I promised my parents I'd take care of myself.
And in the long run, that is what this will help out with since apparently sleep apnea can possibly lead to future lung and heart problems.
And I know they wouldn't want me to endure those because I refused to get something dealt with.
Still, it doesn't make the chance of a second surgery less intimidating.
Yeah, second.
The last one I had was when I was seven for double vision.
And since the first surgeon fucked up, I had to get it done again a second time.
The point I'm trying to get across (besides taking the time to rant and vent a bit) is I have no idea how much time I'll have.
I also don't yet know the recovery process from having tonsils removed.
I'll probably be able to move around and stuff though more likely than not, I might have to take things rather easily and not do too much.
It's just a fair guess though so I'm not sure, let alone if that will be a concern.
But I suppose the main reason I'm thinking it is gonna happen is because surgery is going to be done if the apnea is deemed 'mild' or 'moderate'.
'Severe' will go to another option.
Kinda odd; seems a bit backwards in my opinion but .. ah well.
I'll see if I can bring my laptop with me during the sleep study.
But if not, I'll be gone during that day(s) for sure.
Longer entry than usual.
Anyway, that's it for now.
Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing Mood: Still kinda pissed but so-so overall Listening to: Nothing
Thoughts:
25th July, 2014
You know what?
I fucking give on being nice to certain people.
It really saddens me that I gotta add my own brother to this list.
Really, it does.
But when he does the same shit as last year ....
Well ... fuck. What am I supposed to do?
I'll take blame for choosing a bad time to have met Veinexes, simply because admittedly, I could have waited.
But ... that's the most of an apology anyone is fucking getting from me.
I'm not sorry I found someone I love and who gives a genuine fuck about me.
As of yesterday, my brother's 26 now.
So if that really is his problem ....
Seriously, grow the fuck up, man up!
The fuck?
I ... don't understand.
At all.
I'd love to, but he's too fucking cowardly to call me and settle this shit out.
Yeah, cowardly.
So what if it seems a bit low?
It's what it feels like he's become.
Why else isn't he taking initiative to prove me wrong?
I can't think of many other reasons so ....
I'm sticking with that.
It really pains me to know I may have to have surgery soon after the sleep study
And the only people who I'm going to have thinking and giving two shits about me are;
My daughter, Veinexes, and my parents
That's fucking it.
I doubt my parents are going to inform my brother just because it's not supposed to be a life-threatening thing.
But ... it can be.
I knew a friend whose former girlfriend died from back surgery.
Fucking ... died from it.
You know how scary that is to think of?
Yeah, I know that chance goes with any procedure.
That being said though, it means I'm not exactly exempt either.
Would he even care if I did die from it?
I dunno.
I'd love to think (grim as this sounds) the answer is yes.
But .... it just doesn't feel like it.
It's things like this which make me wish he'd fucking call and prove me wrong.
He does have my number and even if he didn't, he talks with mom and dad.
He could ask them.
But he doesn't.
Hell, I don't think he even asks about me at all, how I am or whatnot.
Really depressing.
What a little shit he's become, goddamn.
Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing Mood: Better Listening to: Nothing
Thoughts:
26th-30th July, 2014
As annoyed as I still am about my brother, I'm mostly over it.
This is what he wanted, after all.
And until he can prove me right, wrong, or otherwise ... whatever.
I'm done. I've got more than enough to worry about for myself.
I got my class and sleep study coming up in about 3 weeks now.
I'm nervous but much more for the latter.
Even without having a medical degree, I'm pretty damn sure I'm going to end up getting my tonsils removed.
Thus, the thought of another surgery is really nerve-wracking.
But ... we'll see when that bridge arrives.
Just wish it'd come into view faster, for once.
Kinda odd. This year was going so fast.
Now it's like it's slowed down .. maybe because I'm eager to get some stuff done and over with?
Probably. Time seems to love doing that.
We took Apollo in to his first vet visit yesterday.
All in all, he's really healthy they said.
He goes in 5 hours before I get administered into the hospital for the sleep study.
Speaking of, I've been going to bed around 10ish-12 AMish now actually.
Ever since I finally was reduced to only handling the two tasks I created instead of a third I had to take over, I've been sleeping a lot better.
The assignments are for part of the event I'm working on in HEX.
Yeah though, our vice of the Slytherin house kinda upped and vanished.
So when 5-7 hours before it all started on the day before arrived and she still wasn't there, me and one of the other girls wound up taking over what was supposed to be hers.
Finally, though, she's taking over.
I really hate people who can't do things they say they're going to; ugh!
That's part of being a member of a Student Council-esque group; doing what your responsibilities are.
I don't regret having run for and becoming a Prefect by any means.
I'm fact, I'm damn proud of it.
But this restock event is making me question if I should try again ever.
I want to ... and I don't simultaneously.
Meh, it's something else to think of for the future.
Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing Mood: Hopeful and eager Listening to: Nothing
Thoughts:
31st July-16th August, 2014
I never mean to get so behind in these damn entries.
They just ... kinda happen.
Ah well.
I start my class in two days and have the sleep study in three.
I'm just ... ready and willing to get this damn test done and figured out.
If surgery is gonna happen, I ... just wanna know sooner as opposed to later.
Granted, it wouldn't be the worst or anything life-threatening.
But it's just one of those things I wanna get done sooner than later, ya know?
Apollo has a check up on the 19th so we'll see how that goes.
HEX life has been busy but productive, mainly in the Prefect obligations.
Though I am expecting stuff for the teaching/proofing to pick up pretty quick due to the new term getting ready to start.
Eating: Nothing Drinking: Nothing Mood: Torn Listening to: "No Dream Can Heal A Broken Heart" ~ Sonata Arctica
Thoughts:
17th August-3rd September, 2014
I've definitely had my ups and downs, no doubt.
But with the accomplishments, shouldn't I be happy?
Shouldn't I feel satisfied?
I kind of do, but I suppose only to an extent.
Maybe because my main focus is back to a time I never thought I'd go to again,
Back to a side I never thought I'd begin to see from Veinexes.
I suppose the best saving grace is our kid isn't around to be in risk of being targeted.
Still ...
I told myself it was all a phase, nothing more.
But even if that's the case, is it worth it now?
Why am I even staying anymore?
He's miserable and so am I.
He says he loves me but doesn't really show or prove it.
Every goddamn day, when he comes back from work, he goes right to his laptop and watches 'Let's Play' from various Youtubers.
Mind you, I have nothing against wanting to wind down; in fact, it's a good idea.
But .. to do that every day and for every second until he goes to bed basically?
With the obvious exceptions of needing to eat and such?
That's where I'm starting to put my foot down.
I feel ... here and not.
Plus if he really feels as he said yesterday, then I'm just a partner with a common goal we share.
So .. is that enough?
To get out of here? Yes.
To stay married or in any sort of relationship with him?
Not likely.
But I really, really don't want to just resort to this.
Even though I have more than enough justification ...
I can't say I'm afraid; that's not true.
I endured everything last night well enough.
Well, maybe afraid of feeling like I'd betray my daughter somehow.
Even though that also isn't true.
I know, I probably seem so fucking stupid.
No point in sugar coating this;
I should have been away from him 8 years ago,
When he first started being the way he is to me.
But that's why I insisted he straighten himself up or I leave.
And he did ... well, I thought he did.
But after last night, it's clear that side is starting to return.
Maybe the fact I deleted our contract should be enough of a sign as it is?
I mean ... when the sub makes it null and void, what the fuck does that say?
Nothing good about the one who's supposed to be in control.
I ... don't know. Anything.
What to do, only what I should.
And yet, I can't muster the courage.
"Veinexes, we're done."
So easy to type yet so difficult to say.
Fucking hell, why, why, why?!
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