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Zalvek's official journal!

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I have come unto the realization that I am a very very very failed male. I need to fix that some how.
 
Bah. You're physically male. Whether you match up societally or not... frankly, it shouldn't matter. If it matters to you, that's one thing, but if anyone else is judging you, that's their problem. Just be the best you there is, and whether that counts as male, female, or neither, nobody but you has any say over it.

<support>
 
Nah, it's not really anyone judging me. It's just me coming to the realization that I haven't done a LOT of things. Like make out with someone... And stuff.
 
You don't come off as a "failed male"
In fact I am a bit jealous, of how you have the guts to express your emotions like that. I truly mean it.

And for the kissing a girl part, We each follow a different road, It will come to you when the time presents it self.
Enjoy life!
 
Zal, I was listening to a collection of famous movie tunes, as I take not only my RP inspiration but also many life lessons from the movies, and this Joe Esposito song just called out to you, and I thought I should share it with you:

Try to be best, 'cause you're only a man
And a man's gotta learn to take it

Try to believe, though the going gets rough
That you gotta hang tough to make it

History repeats itself
Try and you'll succeed

Never doubt that you're the one
And you can have your dreams!

You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight 'til the end, 'cause your life will depend
On the strength that you have inside you

Ah you gotta be proud, starin' out in the cloud
When the odds in the game defy you

Try your best to win them all
and one day time will tell
when you're the one that's standing there
you'll reach the final bell!

You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ho-how-ho-own

INSPIRING GUITAR SOLO

You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight 'til you drop
never stop
can't give up
Til you reach the top (FIGHT!)
you're the best in town (FIGHT!)
Listen to that sound
A little bit of all you got
Can never bring you down

You're the best!
Around!
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down
You're the Best!
Around!
(repeat to fade out)
 
<3 MM. That guitar solo is very inspiring indeed.

I listen to this song when I'm down a lot actually:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAESo2uv-po
 
-makes out with Zal- TADAH!

But srs bznz.

Just be yourself and the things you want will come to you. Sometimes you will have to work for them, sometimes you won't. And the surprises will be amazing.
 
Not all women are identical. There's women who won't be scared of yourself, you just have to find them. That's one truism.

There are also different aspects of yourself. You can be yourself in one manner, and be true, and also be yourself in another manner, and also be true, and the two manners don't have to resemble each other. The trick is picking which aspect to show, and when. That's another truism.
 
That's another problem I have. There's the way that I act here, which is I'd like to think a pretty nice okay quiet guy. But I don't act like that at all in real life. I'm very loud, brash, ignorant, and to quote several people, "Seem like the sort of person who would bite my head off if I looked at him funny".

I worry a lot of what would happen if I showed the real me to people, the me that's quiet and doesn't want conflict and would rather cuddle. I know that both of these sides of me are pretty real, but I just have trouble thinking someone would be alright with one, and then end up seeing the other and would be okay with that too, considering how far off the spectrum the two of them are.
 
I am constantly impressed with how gently and thoughtfully you act. You are not a failed man. You are far from it. You express yourself so succintly and clearly; when I read what you have to write I don't have to infer how you are feeling from what you are saying. I know. I wish I was as adept at expressing my emotions in the same way you seem to be. I really envy that in you.
 
It's funny how you say you envy my ability to express my emotions, but here I am sitting and I'm not even able to cry. I've been needing to let out a good cry for over a year now, and I'm always just sitting here, frustrated, chest physically shaking, and unable to let any of it out. I have a lot of pent up rage and frustration inside of me, with no where to let it out, and because of it sometimes I snap. Sometimes I do things that I wish I didn't later on. Sometimes, I just wish that I didn't care as much as I did.
 
Morning Zal :)

A couple of things that struck me as I got caught up on your journal are:

1) I personally don't consider you a failed male at all and think that more males need to get in touch with their emotional side the way you do, even if its only in "private" moments similar to your journal and internet conversations. To me, you've reached a part of your personality that many men still struggle to reach.

2) Emotion is expressed so many different ways but folks seem to focus on tears as the "true sign". They aren't...at least not for everyone. You express your emotions in many different ways that we see on here; tears may not be one of them. For me, they aren't, though they do appear at the oddest, and sometimes most unwelcome, of times. Don't get hung up on tears as being the only outlet for your emotions and explore other avenues. You're describing pent up rage so maybe purchasing a sparring (boxing) bag that you can pound on during those moments would be useful. Take up a running - or some other solo sport that pits you against your body and lets you pound out that anger, etc. Anyway, those are just examples.

3) It sounds to me like you are trying to hard to keep your two "halves" separate from each other. Don't. All that creates is inner struggle, which leads to pent up emotions and anger. Start living your life for yourself, not the way you expect people to see you. Show your irl friends BOTH sides of you, not just the brash, loud side and show us more of the brash/loud side. The sooner you start letting those two halves of yourself intermingle, the sooner the rough edges of both halves will start to smooth out and you'll become the man that you want to become.
 
Thanks for your input as always DTD. It's always appreciated. I think it's mostly just me letting out some pent up physical frustration that I have. I don't get a lot of physical attention in life and that leaves me feeling a bit empty some times.

I guess it just bugs me that I always reach a point where I'm close to crying. I'm at that point where I feel the frustration fill my being, and I'm physically shaking some times, and I just can tell that I'm almost there. Yet I can never break that threshold. I always come so close, but it's never enough. I guess that's why I feel like crying is one emotional outlet that's going to help. I just need to remember how to is all.

I've been trying something where whenever I get pissed or annoyed, I do 50 situps right then and there. That helps me calm down a bit.
 
If you are concerned that people will perceive your crying, remember that the shower is an excellent place to do it. No one can hear you. Your face gets washed. If you take hot showers you'll be flushed anyways.
 
Doing the situps is an awesome way to get some of your pent up emotion out. It's hard physical exertion - which is the outlet - and also makes you healthier in the long run. And Zombie is right about the shower being a great place to cry though, in the long run, no one should ever be afraid or embarrassed about crying. Lastly, you get so close but don't go over that edge may be solely a mental thing. You perceive the inability to cry as a "failure" and thus try harder to do it; that might actually have the opposite affect of closing off your tear ducts. They say that when we want something so badly - like love, or having kids, etc and we try so hard to achieve it - that sometimes we don't but the minute we relax and stop trying so hard, it happens. I have no idea if its true or not but its food for thought.
 
You know I actually being around people when I need to cry isn't a concern. I've become pretty good at concealing my emotions over the years now. What concerns me is that I can't even do it when I'm alone, lying in bed, feeling those pangs of pain in your chest and unable to go any further than that stage of aching. Something about that just seems unnatural to me.

It is definitely possible I'm trying too hard. Whenever I'm in a position where I want to cry to begin with, it is usually after a high amount of stress and frustration have already been exerted from my body. Maybe those are keeping me from being able to really cry when I need to.
 
I'm an extremely emotional person by nature. I feel BIG, that's just how it is. As one who feels a lot in that regard, let me just say that it's all right if crying doesn't feel natural for you. Emotions just are. They are yours and no one can tell you whether you express them rightly or wrongly. After all, they are yours and thus unique to you. Period. No one feels the same sorts of things for any given situation. One person may cry when angry, another needs to expend energy. The key, I believe, is finding out what's right for you based on the emotion you feel. You feel emotional pain? You need to figure out what your release is. It may not be the act of crying. Not everyone cries. And that's ok. There's nothing wrong with you if that's the case, it's just something that makes you who you are.

The only thing I can say, other than figuring out your release, is just making sure to not let that release take you down a negative path. If you feel the need to release it... do so. Just don't hurt yourself in the process. You mentioned exercise. That's a GREAT way to release, plus it's healthy. Another great release can be writing or music. If you play an instrument, play it loudly. Or find a song that fits the mood and belt it out. Video games. Another amazing way to release. There's nothing like getting angry and then getting a game on of Soul Calibur 2 and kicking some major ass. So, have heart. You'll find what works for you (and it may be a few things or different things depending on the emotional pain you feel, etc etc). I just know you will.

<3
 
On the note of good ways to deal with all those aggressive negative feelings before they get turned inward, running is surprisingly good. Running at night, bring an MP3 player if you have one, that's awesome. It serves not only as alone time, but when you feel the burning in your stomach and legs and chest, it's like all the bullshit is burning away, too. Plus, you get an epic rush afterwards. Running with someone who you trust, a friend, that's really great. You can pace yourself by talking with them and it's easier to get things off your chest, if you're looking for that.
 
So for a change of pace, I'm going to share a story for once of something that I thought was pretty funny tonight.

So, our apartment is four rooms, four baths. I know two of the guys because they're friends of mine. But the other guy, I have never seen before, and I've heard he's a total douche. Well he happened to leave his door unlocked tonight when he left home. He always comes in at like 1 or 2 in the morning, so we all decided to mess with him.

We got about four yellow page books and started tearing pages out of it and crumbling them into balls. If you do this with a yellow book, it's a fucking ridiculous mass worth of paper balls. So we spend about twenty minutes tearing pages one after another and amassing them into a giant pile on the table until it reaches the point where the pile is so high, that we have paper balls pouring off of the sides. My friend then grabs his giant laundry bag and fills the whole thing quite densely. And we pour them all over his room. And there were enough to cover his entire floor and it was like a foot deep.

At this point, I thought this was funny, but that it would be too easy to pin on us. Since only one of my room mates was around, we were going to put decoy paper balls in our room and blame the other third room mate.
So we keep making paper balls and start tossing them in our own rooms, making fake "filled garbage bags" worth of paper balls. And then one of my friends goes, "Dude, what if the guy comes back right now?" I reply, "There's no fucking we he's gonna come back. He hasn't the last like three weeks. When he sees all this shit, I'll just show him my garbage bag and room, and say 'I've spent the last ten minutes cleaning up this fucking shit, why the hell would I put these in your room?!'"

Then the door opens and he walks right in. >>;

We all just sorta go "Hey what's up 8D and keep making more paper balls. He goes into his room, pause, and then comes back out and goes, "... Okay, what's going on."

Then we helped him clean it up and things. It ended up being the laundry bag, and about three garbage bags worth of paper. BUT! I kept one laundry bag's worth. So I plan to just go into some random person's room at some point, pour the paper balls every where, then help them clean it up before doing it all over again to someone else.

I'm a genius. >>



 
This was a pretty good relaxing weekend. On Saturday morning I went out to a friend's house. She recently got an Xbox 360 but was having some trouble connecting to the wireless network. She had a Netgear router so the default security was kind of insane. After some tinkering though I think I managed to figure it out and get everything set up. Her mom tried to pay me, but I turned it away. We went to Fry's after that and we got her some nice speakers and a longer ethernet cable.

I went back to campus then and went out with another friend of mine to go and look for parts of my cosplay, mostly my hat. I needed a fedora. But I needed a real fedora, not the cheap ones at Wal-Mart or Spencer's that are $10, tiny, and just in general slightly tacky. I ended up going to a hat store and finding a very nice felt one for $35. It seemed a bit high, but was a much higher quality and fit me properly too.

Other than that, I stayed at the apartment and relaxed. It was nice and quiet. Got a few things done in WoW, but nothing too major.

This week should be easy, so I look forward to that.
 
Nuuuu, I need to finish my costume first. You will get to see though, don't worry. :3
 
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