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Zalvek's official journal!

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Wow, okay, for someone who suggested to do a journal, it sure took me forever to get to finish reading it >.> -sucks like that-

But first~ -squeezes the naughtâ??er, all the lovable bits of Zal- Ups and downs in life, but hope things are going all well these days <3

And second, you should move to the West Coast

Thatâ??s third too.

Fourth and lastly, yay for getting in shape! Kittenâ??s doing it too, so weâ??ll encourage each other <3!

Over and out~
 
So today I went on Facebook and saw that one of my friend's statuses read something along the lines of "Fuck you, you lying bitch!" I wondered for a moment what this meant. Sure he had a girlfriend, but they were pretty close. I didn't think much of it and shrugged. People say crazy things on Facebook after all; I certainly do.

Then the next Facebook message I saw was that he was now single.

I asked him what was going on and if he was doing alright. It turned out that the girl had been cheating on him and he had caught her in the act. There had been a lot of lying these past few months and he didn't know what to make of it. Now my friend's a pretty good guy. A bit of a loud mouth and obnoxious but all in all the sort of guy you'd want to go out and have a drink with. He's always been pretty cheerful no matter what. And yet now as I talked to him, I could tell how much this really was effecting him. Even if it was through the internet, even if it was through Facebook chat, he was clearly hurting on the inside.

Also as of right now I just saw this update too: "NOW KNOWS THE TRUTH!!!!! THAT WHORE OF A BITCH HAS BEEN FUCKING AROUND, SCREWING EVERYTHING THAT WALKS!!! SHES A FUCKING LYING WHORE BITCH THATS ABOUT TO GET KICKED OUT OF UGA BECAUSE SHE IS DUMB AS FUCK, ONLY TO GO CRAWLING BACK TO ERIC FUCKING DOUCHEBAG WU. AND DITCH ALL OF HER FRIENDS."

Things can sure get messy in relationships... Huh? It's a shame because I always thought they were such a nice couple. I'm worried about my friend though. He drinks a lot... I just hope he can control himself.
 
Y'know, I may come across to a lot of people as girly, submissive, a wuss, and effeminate online. I think that's why it may surprise people when they first hear my voice. It's extremely deep, and possibly the last thing that one would connect with me. I would be lying if I said that this was how I acted in real life. On the contrary, I'm a pretty... well there's very little about me that's like that.

When I'm with my friends I'm a bit of an alpha among the nerds. An absolute nerd when it comes to subjects like mecha, Transformers, obscure anime, and just odd things. I'm just another one of the guys, who is looking for a gi-Wait, no I can't say single like the rest of them, because now ALL of them have a girlfriend except for me. EVEN the girl!


















God damn it.

















But all of that aside.

I don't have a single person in real life that I have ever told about my more feminine habits and submissive fetishes. I am a bit afraid to in many ways, I suppose. To many of them I'd appear to just be a vanilla sex sort of guy who just wants some; but I guess I'm looking for more than just a one night stand. I think only one of them really is aware of what I'm looking for in a relationship.

Hm, funny how I've managed to completely derail from what I had initially wanted to type about. Going back to me being feminine and submissive online, many people may notice that I seem a bit... lacking in backbone, easily letting people step over me at times and the like. I don't really put up when it comes to arguments or what not when they come up. I just avoid them. I have a philosophy behind drama on the internet and fights: I get enough of those things in real life between friends and family, that I don't see the point in doing it online really. I use the internet as a source or relaxation, social networking, and pornography. No point in using it to do the opposite in my opinion. This is also why you can count the number of times I've been in PvP on your fingers, and most of the time it's silly little side comments that don't even add to anything at all.

Okay that's enough of the main subject of my journal. I'monna rant and ramble for a bit now.

Actually I'm out of things to type for now. Except for the fact that I've realized I'm the only virgin left in the circle of friends. ._.;/sigh
 
Of course after I type I think of something else to type. So school starts again tomorrow, and I'll be taking Calculus II every morning Monday to Thursday. I'm actually missing my first day tomorrow because my parents won't get back from Alaska until around 1 PM tomorrow. I already sent my Professor an e-mail apology for not being there. I'm looking forward to this. My house is nice but... I live quite literally in the middle of rural Georgia about 20 miles away from anything. Living back in the suburban setting of my campus will be nice.

I want to take a trip down to Tampa at some point. I miss my best buddy, it's been forever since I've seen him and I miss the heck out of him. Maybe after classes are over, or if I do end up making that trip down to Botcon. Speaking of which, Botcon is like the best thing ever this year. It's a Transformers convention, at DISNEY LAND. Come on, that's just like exponentially increased awesome by square foot.

Tampa was an interesting time in my life... It was only two years, but I guess it was when I went through my puberty stage of life where I was all like "MY PARENTS DON'T UNDERSTAND ME BLAH >8U". Maybe then was when I started to lose a bit of self confidence when it came to the other gender since I was always the one to be ignored and put off to the side. But since then I feel that I've progressed. Now I'm mature about it and instead say, "MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING INSANE BECAUSE THEY'RE ASIAN >8U".

I'd like to think I've matured since. : 3

It's occurred to me recently that I'm the type of person who ends up filling the role of "The best friend of the girl" pretty frequently. Every girl I've met and befriended has come to me for real life or emotional problems more than once. I'd like to think because of this I'm pretty decent at advice, but a guy does get sick of hearing about a girl's guy problems after the umpteenth time. Most of them don't seem to give it a second thought, and just continue on. I'd be lying to say that for some of them I often wondered what could have been if we ever had been together, but because they were always thinking of someone else I said to myself "I want them to be happy." I find myself doing this pretty frequently. I'm doing it for my parents right now as I watch the store for them while they go to Alaska for their first vacation in a very long time.

I value the happiness of those around me before my own. When they're happy, I'm content. Am I also happy? I don't know honestly...

















... I need to find a better way to organize my thoughts.
 
I hope you mean Disney World, because the commute from Anaheim to Tampa is a bitch. Orlando to Tampa is quite doable, though.

You're a good man, Zal. You won't be in the "best friend" role forever. I've been there, I know what it's like. But it'll change, or you'll find someone you can turn that image around with. It's still early, after all. In your life, I mean.
 
Err, World. Yeah, that one. >.> I always mix up the two.

Thanks you two. <3

I'm having trouble sleeping right now. So I'm singing Frank Sinatra, opera music, and random a Capella songs.
 
Alright, I feel like it takes a lot to really piss me off, but someone's finally managed to pull it off to their credit. I can't fucking believe this shit, I haven't been this agitated in a very long time. I thought that it was very generous of you to offer to let me stay in your apartment for free. I wouldn't have to worry about getting one, it sounded great at the time! And now that I move in today, I find that's not quite the case.

I asked repeatedly about what the status of the four rooms was. You told me that I would be able to get one of the rooms along with the bathroom to myself. That's great I thought, everything will work out. Then as I drive to the apartments and give you a call, you suddenly tell me the rooms are locked and that I'll have to stay on the couch.

That's fucking bullshit. I asked you REPEATEDLY about the status of this, and you told me that it would be okay. This does not fucking classify as okay. I also have to share a bathroom with him. And again he mentions "By the way I'm keeping a bunny, and it's living in the bathroom." What the fuck? Seriously, this is just getting out of hand. I can't live like this. If I was given fair warning, maybe I could deal with this, but you've had more than an adequate amount of time to tell me exactly what the situation is, and you didn't.

I have to spend at least the next three nights here because of classes. I'm not looking forward to it honestly. I can't spend eight more fucking weeks like this to get through my classes.

I need a dirnk.
 
Treat yourself. Take yourself out to the movies or something. At least there won't be an argument about what to see...

There were times I used to go to dance clubs and such on my own, just to be around people. I frequently ended up exchanging just a few words with the bartender, but I'm not the kind of guy who ever picked people up at such places. But still, was good to get out and among people.
 
I guess I feel I take myself out a lot. XD My hobby tends to allow me to do that a lot. It's just when I'm focusing on other things such as school or work, my focuses run else where.

I guess this would be a good time to talk about my hobby, huh...?

I am a huge...
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Huge...
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HUUUUUUUGE...
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Toy nerd.

I have an odd hobby? Maybe a bit. I feel like I may have a slight case or arrested development. I do love toys, especially robots a lot. Something about them has a high level of nostalgia to me, of younger days that were more hopeful with less worries. As I sit here I have a Transformer next to me. He has like four guns and you can combine them all along with two knives. So now this guy is holding a Gatling gun-Gatling gun-Sniper rifle-Bayonet. I don't know what it is, but I like it. O-O

My hobby definitely keeps me occupied. If I'm bored or have nothing to do, I'll fiddle with one on my desk, maybe transform it if it's a transformer, and then place it back. My parents, as asian parents tend to do consider it very childish. They don't let me keep them out on display when I'm home or if people come to visit. They're a bit ashamed of my hobbies I believe, especially considering I buy a good bit of anime as well. I can deal with that, but I get the feeling that as I get older, they will not grow to accept my hobby either. Instead, since I'm older they may of it even less... We'll have to see though. It makes me happy still.
 
Flyers lost, darn. D: I'm really mad I didn't get to see this game, by the sounds of it, it was a pretty epic game. I have a lot of attachment to these Playoffs. My dad and I have always been Flyers fans and as a little kid we went to the games a lot. Now that I'm older and that we live in Georgia, that rarely happens. However when the Playoffs started, I sat down every single game with my dad and we watched it together. Drinking a beer and talking about the sport that we both know and love. Between the great sentimental development between the two of us and a pretty great comeback in the quarterfinals, I'm content with what happened.

In other news, I feel like I can appreciate Makoto Shinkai's movies more as of late. If anyone is ever feeling down or distant, they should go watch Voices of a Distant Star. It's only 30 minutes long, but I feel like there's a lot to take away from it. It's definitely cheered me up recently.
 
The full version of Nobody's Perfect needs to hurry up and come out. I like that song a lot and listening to the clip from the show's not cutting it.

I've been noticing a trend in things I've been watching/listening to recently. All of them involve a person eventually coming to terms with themselves. My Way by Frank Sinatra, Nobody's Perfect, and the movie 5cm per second. I don't know if it's healthy or not.
 
I don't know... coming to terms movies can be pretty decent. I wonder if you just want to live the experience vicariously for a little bit before you try it yourself?

One movie on that subject that I rather liked even though I'm straight was Touch of Pink. I watched it initially so I could see Kyle MacLachlan as the Spirit of Carey Grant, but it turned out to be an interesting and amusing story of a gay Indian man finally coming to terms with it with his family. Recommended.
 
I really don't feel like typing paragraphs today. Let's try bullet points.

- I'm sick of trying and failing. I really am.

- Nearly cried for no reason at all today.

- Can I win just once already? Please?

- I'm going to try to at least say one good thing that happened every day now. Hopefully it will help.

- Today I got a wooden fan for a $1.50.

- My dad is fucking insane. I love him and hate him for it.

- The next wave of Transformers toys needs to come out so I can have them and things.

- I still need a hug.
 
I wonder a lot, about what may have been, could have been, what if things were different, if I had made different choices in life. It comes up a lot, sometimes about small things like what I had for breakfast, and other times much bigger things, like life changing decisions. I suppose trying to transfer is one for me. It's killing my GPA and it seems like it's way too much effort to do it. But I'm still going to try at the very least.

I hope things go well in the future. Not just for me but for everyone really. I'll be content if everyone else is happy.
 
I wonder some times if my submissive fetish will ever end up effecting me in real life. While I do find myself to be highly submissive, I don't know if I could ever do it in real life honestly. I have an incredibly hard time admitting that I am one to people. Heck, I have never told any of my friends in real life before. Most of them peg me as being a dominant sort of guy, and I just have never bothered to correct them. Maybe it's a bit cowardly, but I guess that does make me a coward then. My parents are also very concerned about me getting a girlfriend at some point, or more specifically a wife. While they tell me not to worry about it in college, they then at the same time ask me if I've seen any nice Korean girls. I always answer no.

They want me to marry no matter what. And mind you, I'd love to get married one day. But one thing that Korean parents tend to do in this generation, is make sure their kids get married even if they don't have a significant other. If I can't find someone, they'll find a friend's daughter and try to arrange a marriage. I can't stand the thought of this. This is how my parents got married, and while I think things worked out in the end for them, I don't know if it would for me. It should be noted that this is going to sound very stereotypical of me, but I honestly do believe it to be true. The majority of Korean people are incredibly shallow. They will immediate judge and demean you based on your appearance, race, height, smell, etc. Almost all of them are like this, especially the past generation who are the same ones who are so insistent that we marry other Korean people, not to let any white, black, other asians, or all of the other races enter our love lives. Just the other week a friend of mine started going out with a Vietnamese guy. When her mother found out, she threatened to disown her, and throw her out of the house. She did her best to reason with her mother, asking her to at least meet the guy and see that he was a decent person, but she absolutely refused. While I think my parents aren't nearly as strict about this, the same principles and beliefs lie there.

I think in the end I'll be okay with a girl who is more vanilla than me. I'm willing to just sort of play the normal role of a boyfriend or husband. One part of my submissive beliefs is to make sure that the girl is happy no matter what, so if it means something along the lines of they don't want me to fill that role, for their sake I'd be willing to do it.

Also, I think I'm gonna take a break from roleplaying. Still thinking about the matter. Or more specifically, waiting.
 
So yeah, I'm done with roleplaying for now. I'm sick of rarely getting partners. I'm sick of RPs getting dropped like a fucking twenty pound weight. I'm sick of without a single word, people stop replying to mine but easily go off and start new ones. I'd be totally fine with this if people would at least let me know they're having trouble replying or that they've lost interest. Sure that's all good and swell! But don't fucking start one off, and then eventually taper off with little warning, and just keep me all glistening and hopeful that maybe next day you'll actually reply. I'm done with this. Maybe I'll roleplay again one day, but for now I'm fed up and done with it.
 
darkangel76 said:
*hugs zal tightly*
i hope this mean you won't be leaving us tho. for serious... i'd be sad.
Click to expand...
-Hugs back-
Don't worry DA, I won't be leaving. I just won't be roleplaying is all.
 
ok. yeah. i'd be ridiculously sad otherwise. you're like my twin! <333
sorry to hear the RP thing is being so 'mean' to you at present. maybe a mini break is needed and when you get back into it things will be as they should be... fun and amazing. :)
 
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