Me, Myself & Why?

[theWatcher]

Let's see how a little journal goes. It can't hurt, right? I doubt anyone will ever read this, but hey, maybe it will help me get my mind in order. Or at least some temporary relief.

I think that it's strange that I know beyond a doubt that I am my own worst enemy. In so, so many ways. Even as I sit here and mull over what I want to say, there are so many other things that I could be, definitely should be doing. But instead, I would rather distract myself from them. Put them off to the last possible moment. I think that all goes back to when I was in high school, or possibly university.

Being a self-saboteur was the best strategy for me to unlock my full creativity. It was true when I was in uni, and it's true almost thirty years later. Nearly all of my best work was made so I could meet a deadline. Sitting there in evaluations being praised for work that was barely dry, or even still wet and glossy with my oils…. that I think did something to me.

Ooh, that wasn't what I expected, but I'll take it. I might also leave my first little journal entry here and go and do some of the things that I should be doing.

I'll most likely just waste a little more time doing something else though....

 

[theWatcher]

I found my journal post yesterday surprisingly cathartic. I guess that's why I'm back for more.

After writing my journal post yesterday, I Googled 'I am my worst enemy' just out of curiosity. Typical me, I get curious, and we now have the Internet in our pockets, so…. I wondered if the quote be attributed to anyone or anything? One of the first results was what to do if you were your worst enemy.

How fitting!

And the first piece of advice?
Let things go.

Wow! Google is right on the money. I wish I were more like Elsa and could just let it go. Most days I can't remember where I left my keys, but I'm bugged by things that happened years ago. It's just how my brain works. It's actually really bad when it comes to locations and images. I see an avatar of someone I roleplayed with and ghosted and feel guilt, or a username of someone that ghosted me and feel irritated. The hypocrisy of that, right?

Right now, I'm writing this in my rests between sets at the gym. My local gym used to be my happy place, but recently I just feel lonely at the gym. A few months ago, I had an online… I guess you can call it a relationship. It just kind of happened. I've never done anything like that before. Never planned on it happening. A lot of the chatting happened while I was at the gym. I even remember certain conversations when I sit on certain machines. I hate my memory so much sometimes…. So now whenever I am at my local gym, I just miss talking with them. Or is it that I miss how talking to them made me feel?

I really doubt that I'll ever be the type of person that can just let it go, but I don't think that living in the past like I do is beneficial for me. Perhaps I should try and end each of these journal posts with an aspiration or task for the future. Try and remind myself to look forward as well as back.

 

[theWatcher]

My Price

I just finished IronHeart on Disney+ ….. so SPOILER ALERTS!

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So with the series ending up with the idea of people selling their souls (which was a total surprise tbh), I've been wondering. What would I sell my soul for?

While I would like to take some high or noble ground and say that I would never do such a thing, I've seen it go badly in books, movies, and television. I know better, right?

Sure, I'd like to be rich, but well, luckily money isn't that important to me. Soul safe on that temptation.
Time would be a temptation, maybe a deal breaker. Illness or some medical condition would definitely be tempting. More time, more life. More time for me? Maybe, probably definitely for my kids. I believe that I would truly do anything for them.

Unfortunately, I know what I crave… and I'm not going to tell you all, so go ahead and just use your vivid imaginations …. but hopefully knowing my weaknesses would save my soul. Though based on recent experiences, I'd probably hand it over like a sucker.

 

[theWatcher]

It's my ERP roleplaying eleventh-year anniversary! I'm a little early; it's actually September.

Why do I do it? Why can't I stop? A reflection.

Guess you could say that I came to ERP late. It's kind of strange considering I was playing tabletop games, D&D, Cyberpunk, and stuff like that from about fifteen onwards. I did have a big, international move that broke me away from that community. I don't recall ever really missing it. Perhaps it was just a fun way to hang out and create an experience with friends. I also suspect that I kind of sucked and have forgotten that as a kind of protection.

I found ERP on Twitter. I was having a rough patch emotionally. I was isolated from my family and living alone. I was drinking way too much. I guess I was just lonely. I was an awful person, just looking for any kind of engagement online because I was lacking it in the real world.

If I could travel back to any point of time with the sole purpose to slap myself, it would have been at that point in my life. Something broke in me around that time. I'm not blaming ERP, but it almost certainly contributed. Just recalling those dark days makes me grateful for how much I have improved myself.

So that was why I did it when I started. And now? I guess it's really pretty much the same thing but on a lesser degree. I usually enjoy the out-of-character chat as much as the stories. Sometimes more. I still enjoy the taboo of writing ERP. Having a guilt little secret is exciting. But I guess it's all about dopamine if I am totally honest. I get a kick out of receiving a post, then finding a place or time to read it.

To look at it in that light, I guess that ERP is a kind of addiction for me. I've come and gone from BMR and other sites, but I never truly stay away. I did have someone that periodically pinged me on an alt-account that I have now withdrawn from. That never helped with the staying away. I guess that I am always periodically going to need a distraction from life. Gym, running, and video games can serve that purpose to a degree, but none of them are as fun as making stories here.

After reflection, I don't think that I really want to stop. I enjoy meeting people from all over the world and making stories. I just have to keep myself in check. Living in GMT+9, I'm so often keen to write while nobody is around, or I'm waiting for replies. In the past, I would have looked for more stories. Now, I'm enjoying writing solo stories and subjecting you to these ramblings. I just need to find a balance. I hope I have.

 

[theWatcher]

Kid in a Candy Store​

I've been thinking about my relationship with role play (and BMR as an extension) recently. I'm back in a big way, and enjoying it more than ever. Something feels different this time. To begin with, this is my only account. This was actually my alt-account, but I withdrew from my (former) main account. That's one major change that I really needed to do. At least to break my bad habits (and get away from some bad influence).

So, a fresh start. But will I keep it up?

That's the plan. I like writing here if I can find the right balance. Which brings me to the title line. Kid in a candy store.

I have had a lifelong problem with choices. As a kid, I remember going to the milk bar① near my grandma's house to buy lollies②. Every type of lolly had an individual price, and I used to love standing there choosing which ones I would order. The thing is, I rarely ate them. I just loved the act of choosing and buying them. I guess my family figured that it was good for my arithmetic, I had fun, and someone always ate the sweets. Not to mention that I was the oldest grandchild and the oldest grandson/nephew.

And it continued. Comics were after candy. There are still thousands of comics at my mum's house (which she frequently reminds me of). I guess I grew out of that while I was at university. That and the fact that I was broke the whole time because I did all of that on my own. Work, school, rent, study. I just put my priorities first, and my comic-loving buddies were back in my hometown.

Then, after university came the Internet. Its arrival started the whole problem all over again. Too many choices, and I just wanted them all from the privacy of my own home. Let's just say that I enjoyed browsing for content more than the content itself, just like the lollies when I was a kid (But I think you can probably imagine what I was browsing for).

It shouldn't come as any surprise that my role-play habits fit the same pattern. There are so many enticing plots and premises here on BMR (not to mention other sites and platforms). I just find myself wanting to do everything here too. Well, not EVERYTHING, but all those ideas that appeal to me. And this has always been my problem. I end up spreading myself far too thin and get frustrated. Frustration usually ends up with me rage quitting (ie. ghosting good people that don't deserve that), until I finally calm down and start the cycle all over again.

So, why am I enjoying BMR more than ever now? Basically, I'm showing restraint, and well, being honest with myself and my partners. I'm not starting new stories when I want to write and I am waiting on replies. I'm writing here or that solo story that I posted a couple of chapters of. I get into the forum games. I'm just chatting out of character more.

Perhaps I've finally grown up. At least enough to understand that a lot of my role-play and online habits weren't healthy or sustainable. Let's see how long it all lasts.

① A Milk Bar is a corner store in Australia. Like a convenience store but generally family-owned and open from morning to night, not 24 hours.

② A lolly or lollies are sweets or candy in Australian English.

 

[theWatcher]

Sleepy - Not Sleepy

Would I be correct in my assumption that every roleplayer has sacrificed sleep at the expense of a story? I don't know if I'd place money on that exact bet, but it has to be pretty close to the mark.

Yes, is the answer if you are wondering if it is a tired Watcher writing this. It wasn't actually a roleplay that hindered my sleep for a change. Last night at least. Overeating did me in this morning.

But to roleplay-related sleep problems…
Getting to sleep is fine… well, okay. I can say goodnight and leave my reply to the next day without too much of a problem (unless I've been drinking ). My biggest difficulty is staying asleep.

I'm just too curious. Like obsessive, compulsive curious. I can't leave a reply unread. It gnaws at me if I know there is a reply to read. I just can't let it go. No matter how I try and work around this, I just can't avoid opening the site and taking a look when I know there is a reply. It's just part of who I am, I guess. If I wake up in the middle of the night (which frequently happens), I check my phone before going back to sleep (if I can go back to sleep).

But, Watcher, don't you know that you can turn off notifications?
Of course I do! My phone in sleep mode blocks nearly all notifications. My family and one other person can contact me 24/7. I know I could just turn off all BMR notifications altogether. The problem with that is, I would just itch to open the site to look It's actually worse if I have notifications off because I just keep picking up my phone to look.

Am I addicted to my phone? Probably. Almost definitely. Could I go back to an old 2000s Nokia? Fuck no! I need to adjust, change my habits, and how I interact with roleplay and digital media as a whole. I know I might sound like a borderline mental case, but trust me, I'm better than I have been, and getting better. Looking at the problem helps me manage the problem.

The thing that keeps coming up in these journals is balance. I guess I need to find that, then, if it helps, try and keep it.

Today's ramblings have been brought to you by, me, The Watcher, and Anytime Fitness