Me, Myself & Why?

[theWatcher]

Let's see how a little journal goes. It can't hurt, right? I doubt anyone will ever read this, but hey, maybe it will help me get my mind in order. Or at least some temporary relief.

I think that it's strange that I know beyond a doubt that I am my own worst enemy. In so, so many ways. Even as I sit here and mull over what I want to say, there are so many other things that I could be, definitely should be doing. But instead, I would rather distract myself from them. Put them off to the last possible moment. I think that all goes back to when I was in high school, or possibly university.

Being a self-saboteur was the best strategy for me to unlock my full creativity. It was true when I was in uni, and it's true almost thirty years later. Nearly all of my best work was made so I could meet a deadline. Sitting there in evaluations being praised for work that was barely dry, or even still wet and glossy with my oils…. that I think did something to me.

Ooh, that wasn't what I expected, but I'll take it. I might also leave my first little journal entry here and go and do some of the things that I should be doing.

I'll most likely just waste a little more time doing something else though....

 

[theWatcher]

I found my journal post yesterday surprisingly cathartic. I guess that's why I'm back for more.

After writing my journal post yesterday, I Googled 'I am my worst enemy' just out of curiosity. Typical me, I get curious, and we now have the Internet in our pockets, so…. I wondered if the quote be attributed to anyone or anything? One of the first results was what to do if you were your worst enemy.

How fitting!

And the first piece of advice?
Let things go.

Wow! Google is right on the money. I wish I were more like Elsa and could just let it go. Most days I can't remember where I left my keys, but I'm bugged by things that happened years ago. It's just how my brain works. It's actually really bad when it comes to locations and images. I see an avatar of someone I roleplayed with and ghosted and feel guilt, or a username of someone that ghosted me and feel irritated. The hypocrisy of that, right?

Right now, I'm writing this in my rests between sets at the gym. My local gym used to be my happy place, but recently I just feel lonely at the gym. A few months ago, I had an online… I guess you can call it a relationship. It just kind of happened. I've never done anything like that before. Never planned on it happening. A lot of the chatting happened while I was at the gym. I even remember certain conversations when I sit on certain machines. I hate my memory so much sometimes…. So now whenever I am at my local gym, I just miss talking with them. Or is it that I miss how talking to them made me feel?

I really doubt that I'll ever be the type of person that can just let it go, but I don't think that living in the past like I do is beneficial for me. Perhaps I should try and end each of these journal posts with an aspiration or task for the future. Try and remind myself to look forward as well as back.