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Chippairaptor
UMP-45's Husband
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2022
- Location
- Lockwood Manor
Recently I got back into solo writing projects, starting with a couple of fanfics. To make a long story short, a friend worked on a short story for me, introduced me to Wattpad, and I decided to try and work on some stories that have been rolling around in the old noggin for a while. I do plan on eventually working on some original stories (specifically, a sci-fi horror story inspired by Carnosaur (mostly the novel), the original Jurassic Park novels by Michael Crichton, and paleontologist Jack Horner's Chickenosaurus Project), but for the time being, I'm sticking to fandom works. I'm looking for feedback and critique on my writing (especially since I've tried getting feedback from a few Discord groups, and been completely ignored), and knowledge of the series isn't mandatory (though feedback from fans of the series it's based on would be very much appreciated).
The first one is titled Swift Thieves, and is a xenofiction story inspired by Robert T. Bakker's Raptor Red, and a play-by-post RPG on Jurassic Park Legacy back in the day called Live the Legend. Set after the events of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, it follows a young Velociraptor as he and the small pack he joins explore and interact with the world around them.
The second is a Girls Frontline story set in an alternate timeline, with the working title of "The Raven of Griffin". What I'm looking for with this right now is how to best introduce the main character of the story as he's being detained and interrogated, so I suppose feedback from people familiar with police/military fiction would be what I'm looking for right now. I haven't published the prologue yet, but I'll put it in a spoiler.
Helianthus watched through the one-way mirror into the interrogation room. Her gaze was fixed on the individual inside: a fairly unremarkable looking young man. He couldn't have been much older than sixteen or seventeen years old, though he seemed a bit short for his age. Between his height and his appearance, he would have blended fairly easily into a crowd. His eyes drew Helian's attention more than his other features. They were dark blue in color, and seemed to convey a sense of cunning. But that wasn't what Helianthus was drawn to. Behind the intelligence, they gave a sense of weariness. They were the eyes of someone far older, someone who had seen many terrible things in their life.
A door opened behind her, accompanied by the sound of boots clicking on the floor. Helian turned to see a Tactical Doll dressed in a crisp black uniform approaching her. "We found information on him. It's been sent to your tablet."
"Thank you, MP40." Helianthus took her tablet out to examine the documents that had been retrieved. MP40 glanced at the man behind the glass. Her expression hinted that the T-Doll seemed a bit puzzled, something that Helian didn't miss, even from the corner of her eye. "A penny for your thoughts." MP40 paused for a moment before speaking.
"This entire situation... it's incredibly odd," she commented. "It sounds like some kind of harebrained scheme cooked up by some dummkopf who's seen too many movies."
Helian nodded in agreement. "True. However, I highly doubt that a member of the Rosomakha Syndicate with a rap sheet this long would be stupid enough to turn himself in without some kind of ulterior motive." She started for the door to the interrogation room. "Keep a close eye on him. He's restrained, but I don't doubt he might try to escape." MP40 nodded, and Helian stepped inside. The young man's head turned to Helianthus. Despite the situation, he seemed calm. "You've got quite the record, Mr. Orlov."
"I would prefer to not be addressed by the name of the bastard who sired me," the young man said. His tone was even, as if he were sitting down to have a little chat with an acquaintance. "Please, call me Yuri."
"Mr. Orlov," Helian went on, "according to the file I had my adjutant retrieve for me, you've been quite busy. Poaching. Smuggling. Gun running. Theft. Assault with a deadly weapon. The list goes on. You've been quite busy while under the employ of Rosomakha."
"And even before, to be completely honest." He lifted his hands up above the top of the table, gesturing at the handcuffs. "Mind if we take these off? I assure you, Commander, I won't try anything hasty." Helian leaned back in her chair a bit.
"Why would I do that? Considering your criminal history, that would be ill-advised, at best."
"Let me ask you something, Commander...?"
"Helianthus."
"Alright, Helianthus. Let's say I do try to attack you. There's likely at least one Tactical Doll on the other side of that glass. I'm guessing there's five, maybe six, echelons of Tactical Dolls stationed here, give or take. And even if there are some echelons out in the field, there's a minimum of one echelon here to keep the base secure. Then, of course, there are human personnel on-site, almost all of which have some form of combat training. The odds of me leaving this place alive if I decided to attack you are very, very low.
"And if I did want to make trouble for you," Orlov went on, "why would I surrender without some kind of fight? I could have tried ramming through the front gate. I could have opened fire on the T-Dolls at the security checkpoint." He leaned forward slightly.
"And, of course, there's the little matter that I arrived at your doorstep with an armored personnel carrier and a truck filled with civilians." Helian's expression dipped slightly. That was the part that didn't add up to her, or any of the T-Dolls privy to the situation.
"Human and Doll trafficking is something Rosomakha is well-known for," Helian said. "Just one more thing to add to your rap sheet."
"Rosomakha trafficks people. I do not." Helian made a mental note of the phrasing of his statement. "People are not a commodity to be bought or sold. They are sentient beings with the right to make their own choices."
"And yet you worked for an organization that made their money by selling humans to anyone willing to buy them in the Neo-Soviet Union."
"Human, Doll, I overlooked it because speaking up or doing anything about it would have resulted in me being shot and left to die in a gutter. That is a sin I will be forced to answer for when I meet my maker."
"And even before then, if the authorities have any say in the matter." Helian sat up straighter. Her curiosity had been piqued. "You talk as if humans and Dolls are the same thing."
"Do Dolls not think? Do Dolls not feel? Do Dolls not contemplate the nature of their own existence in this world?" The expression in Orlov's eyes softened slightly. "Frankly, Commander, I've been treated with more humanity by Dolls than by other human beings."
The first one is titled Swift Thieves, and is a xenofiction story inspired by Robert T. Bakker's Raptor Red, and a play-by-post RPG on Jurassic Park Legacy back in the day called Live the Legend. Set after the events of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, it follows a young Velociraptor as he and the small pack he joins explore and interact with the world around them.
The second is a Girls Frontline story set in an alternate timeline, with the working title of "The Raven of Griffin". What I'm looking for with this right now is how to best introduce the main character of the story as he's being detained and interrogated, so I suppose feedback from people familiar with police/military fiction would be what I'm looking for right now. I haven't published the prologue yet, but I'll put it in a spoiler.
Griffin & Kryuger Outpost, Neo-Soviet Union
2052
2052
Helianthus watched through the one-way mirror into the interrogation room. Her gaze was fixed on the individual inside: a fairly unremarkable looking young man. He couldn't have been much older than sixteen or seventeen years old, though he seemed a bit short for his age. Between his height and his appearance, he would have blended fairly easily into a crowd. His eyes drew Helian's attention more than his other features. They were dark blue in color, and seemed to convey a sense of cunning. But that wasn't what Helianthus was drawn to. Behind the intelligence, they gave a sense of weariness. They were the eyes of someone far older, someone who had seen many terrible things in their life.
A door opened behind her, accompanied by the sound of boots clicking on the floor. Helian turned to see a Tactical Doll dressed in a crisp black uniform approaching her. "We found information on him. It's been sent to your tablet."
"Thank you, MP40." Helianthus took her tablet out to examine the documents that had been retrieved. MP40 glanced at the man behind the glass. Her expression hinted that the T-Doll seemed a bit puzzled, something that Helian didn't miss, even from the corner of her eye. "A penny for your thoughts." MP40 paused for a moment before speaking.
"This entire situation... it's incredibly odd," she commented. "It sounds like some kind of harebrained scheme cooked up by some dummkopf who's seen too many movies."
Helian nodded in agreement. "True. However, I highly doubt that a member of the Rosomakha Syndicate with a rap sheet this long would be stupid enough to turn himself in without some kind of ulterior motive." She started for the door to the interrogation room. "Keep a close eye on him. He's restrained, but I don't doubt he might try to escape." MP40 nodded, and Helian stepped inside. The young man's head turned to Helianthus. Despite the situation, he seemed calm. "You've got quite the record, Mr. Orlov."
"I would prefer to not be addressed by the name of the bastard who sired me," the young man said. His tone was even, as if he were sitting down to have a little chat with an acquaintance. "Please, call me Yuri."
"Mr. Orlov," Helian went on, "according to the file I had my adjutant retrieve for me, you've been quite busy. Poaching. Smuggling. Gun running. Theft. Assault with a deadly weapon. The list goes on. You've been quite busy while under the employ of Rosomakha."
"And even before, to be completely honest." He lifted his hands up above the top of the table, gesturing at the handcuffs. "Mind if we take these off? I assure you, Commander, I won't try anything hasty." Helian leaned back in her chair a bit.
"Why would I do that? Considering your criminal history, that would be ill-advised, at best."
"Let me ask you something, Commander...?"
"Helianthus."
"Alright, Helianthus. Let's say I do try to attack you. There's likely at least one Tactical Doll on the other side of that glass. I'm guessing there's five, maybe six, echelons of Tactical Dolls stationed here, give or take. And even if there are some echelons out in the field, there's a minimum of one echelon here to keep the base secure. Then, of course, there are human personnel on-site, almost all of which have some form of combat training. The odds of me leaving this place alive if I decided to attack you are very, very low.
"And if I did want to make trouble for you," Orlov went on, "why would I surrender without some kind of fight? I could have tried ramming through the front gate. I could have opened fire on the T-Dolls at the security checkpoint." He leaned forward slightly.
"And, of course, there's the little matter that I arrived at your doorstep with an armored personnel carrier and a truck filled with civilians." Helian's expression dipped slightly. That was the part that didn't add up to her, or any of the T-Dolls privy to the situation.
"Human and Doll trafficking is something Rosomakha is well-known for," Helian said. "Just one more thing to add to your rap sheet."
"Rosomakha trafficks people. I do not." Helian made a mental note of the phrasing of his statement. "People are not a commodity to be bought or sold. They are sentient beings with the right to make their own choices."
"And yet you worked for an organization that made their money by selling humans to anyone willing to buy them in the Neo-Soviet Union."
"Human, Doll, I overlooked it because speaking up or doing anything about it would have resulted in me being shot and left to die in a gutter. That is a sin I will be forced to answer for when I meet my maker."
"And even before then, if the authorities have any say in the matter." Helian sat up straighter. Her curiosity had been piqued. "You talk as if humans and Dolls are the same thing."
"Do Dolls not think? Do Dolls not feel? Do Dolls not contemplate the nature of their own existence in this world?" The expression in Orlov's eyes softened slightly. "Frankly, Commander, I've been treated with more humanity by Dolls than by other human beings."