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OP
OP
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2020
Collars
There's no item as ubiquitous as the collar in the BDSM imaginary. Collars, whips, and handcuffs are likely items that an uninitiated person might mention if asked about what sorts of gear they think are used in D/s. While whips and handcuffs serve an obvious purpose, collars are somewhat more ephemeral. While collars often have rings where leash and/or other restraints can be fastened, they are not always a mere toy.
Harkening back to the collars that actual slaves wore, a collar is, strictly speaking, both a toy and a symbol. In canonical imagery, the collar signifies a power imbalance. We put collars on dogs so that we might better control them, and put collars on dogs so that others might know who owns them.
We used to put collars on men once to both control them and to show that they were property. Subs wear collars for the same reason, though fetishized. That said, a collar doesn't always signify ownership.
It's not particularly hard to find a submissive who fantasizes about getting collared, nor does it take much effort to find a dom who wants to collar a sub. However, there's more to getting collared than just slipping a leather or metal hoop around one's neck. If merely wearing the item was enough, people would simply grab something and collar themselves. Plenty of people actually do this, and there's nothing wrong with that. People should have the freedom and courage to express their sexuality and kinks as they please, as long as no one gets harmed. However, seeing how many subs want to get collared by a dom(me), this clearly isn't enough for many.
This is also where things can get a bit murky. What does being collared mean?
Collars come in many shapes and materials. The size of a collar might affect how it's used, but the size has very little to do with the collar's emotional weight. Now, you might be asking what I mean by the collar's 'emptional weight'. That is a good question that I'll try to answer below. To put it shortly, collars can be roughly divided into play collars, permanent collars, and day collars.
Play collars
As the name implies, a play collar is more akin to a sex toy than anything else. A play collar does not usually signify ownership. Rather, it signifies a role. The submissive wears the play collar as a symbol of their submissive nature. It's entirely possible and relatively common for a submissive to own a play collar or two. A sub wearing one to a D/s party signifies their role while allowing them to play with (sexy) accessories. It's also possible for a dom to get a play collar for a sub they are playing regularly with. In this case, putting on a play collar and removing it can act as a formal sign to denote the start and the end of a scene. That said, it is pretty damn rare for a dominant to use the same collar with multiple subs. While toys such as paddles and cuffs are often used with multiple partners (assuming proper cleaning between sessions), no dom(me) that I know would ask subs to share a play collar. Even if it's just used to signify a casual relationship, few consider play collars handed out by a dom a mere toy.
Like with all the other equipment, who brings what to the scene should always be negotiated. There is no canonical answer to the question 'which party brings the play collar for the scene'. A sub is not expected to bring a play collar to a scene, though a dom(me) might ask what kind of toys the sub has.
Permanent collar
A permanent collar always signifies ownership. A sub that wears a collar given by a dom(me) usually belongs to that person and is expected to take them and their wishes/needs into account in one way or another. In a similar vein, a dom(me) that gives a permanent collar to a submissive is expected to care for them. While owning someone (or being owned) might sound sexy, such a relationship cannot work without both parties putting a lot of effort into it. With the power that comes with ownership comes responsibility. There can be no ownership without care and comfort. Even if subs serve doms, they are human and need care and affection.
No one should hand out or don a permanent collar lightly. When a dom(me) comes to a point where they want to collar their sub, they should consider what they think the collar means and explain this to their submissive. A submissive asking to be collared should consider the same question. D/s taps into some of the deepest parts of our psyche. To remain safe, both the dominant and the submissive must agree on the depth and significance of the relationship. As the collar reflects the nature of the relationship, the two must similarly agree on the meaning the collar carries.
Different people value collaring differently. To some, a permanent collar merely signifies that the dominant and submissive are established play partners, but there's nothing deeper between them—the two come together to engage in reciprocal, consent-based play. Meanwhile, some dom(es) and subs see a permanent collar as something akin to an engagement ring. Something sacred. Sometimes collaring means that the submissive becomes exclusive property of their dominant. Sometimes (or usually) permanent collar signifies a committed and a possibly monogamous D/s relationship, but exceptions do exist.
Usually, the dom(me) chooses and purchases the collar and gifts it to their submissive in a ceremony of sorts. This can be as informal as having the submissive kneel before their dom(me), but I've also heard of the dom hosting a small, intimate party to celebrate the occasion. Such a ritual is usually known as collaring. A sub who wears his or her dom(mes) collar is usually called collared.
Day collar
A day collar is a collar a submissive wears outside scenes, either at home or even outside. It's usually an inconspicuous necklace chosen and gifted by the dom(me). A day collar tends to signify ownership and the fact that the D/s relationship extends outside the bedroom. I gave my (former) slave a silver necklace with lilies of the valley on it. As she is a botanist, no one ever bothered to ask her why she wore such an item. A choker can also be worn as a day collar, should the sub's sense of fashion allow such. A day collar can be considered a formal extension of a permanent collar. In some ways, they are one and the same—the one worn merely depends on the occasion.
Choosing a collar
The aesthetics of a collar should always reflect the preferences of the person purchasing it (duh). While a submissive can more or less pick a collar for themselves, a dominant should consider their sub's preferences. My wife is a small woman. She has a dainty leather collar. It has a small ring at the front that's more decorative than practical. This is mostly because she isn't that much into heavy restraints (cuffs) and instead prefers to be tied with ropes. She also looks really cute with the slim collar on her neck. In her case, the collar is a reminder that she belongs to me, and she considers any chance to wear it a reward in its own right.
For a sub that enjoys cuffs, a sturdy collar with multiple rings would be more appropriate. A large collar might have more rings, allowing more possibilities for restraints. Handcuffs often come with links that allow them to be attached to a collar (or ankle cuffs). A larger collar spreads force over a wider area, making it safer for the dom to drag their sub around.
It's not unusual to see collars being sold with bells dangling from them. As much as a bell might be cute, you should consider if you actually want to listen to the jingling all the damn time. Rough sex and gentle chimes don't always mix well. More importantly, a constantly chiming bell can be hell for a sub with auditory issues. If you are picking up a collar with an attached bell, it's prudent to make sure that the bell can be easily removed if necessary.
There's no item as ubiquitous as the collar in the BDSM imaginary. Collars, whips, and handcuffs are likely items that an uninitiated person might mention if asked about what sorts of gear they think are used in D/s. While whips and handcuffs serve an obvious purpose, collars are somewhat more ephemeral. While collars often have rings where leash and/or other restraints can be fastened, they are not always a mere toy.
Harkening back to the collars that actual slaves wore, a collar is, strictly speaking, both a toy and a symbol. In canonical imagery, the collar signifies a power imbalance. We put collars on dogs so that we might better control them, and put collars on dogs so that others might know who owns them.
We used to put collars on men once to both control them and to show that they were property. Subs wear collars for the same reason, though fetishized. That said, a collar doesn't always signify ownership.
It's not particularly hard to find a submissive who fantasizes about getting collared, nor does it take much effort to find a dom who wants to collar a sub. However, there's more to getting collared than just slipping a leather or metal hoop around one's neck. If merely wearing the item was enough, people would simply grab something and collar themselves. Plenty of people actually do this, and there's nothing wrong with that. People should have the freedom and courage to express their sexuality and kinks as they please, as long as no one gets harmed. However, seeing how many subs want to get collared by a dom(me), this clearly isn't enough for many.
This is also where things can get a bit murky. What does being collared mean?
Collars come in many shapes and materials. The size of a collar might affect how it's used, but the size has very little to do with the collar's emotional weight. Now, you might be asking what I mean by the collar's 'emptional weight'. That is a good question that I'll try to answer below. To put it shortly, collars can be roughly divided into play collars, permanent collars, and day collars.
Play collars
As the name implies, a play collar is more akin to a sex toy than anything else. A play collar does not usually signify ownership. Rather, it signifies a role. The submissive wears the play collar as a symbol of their submissive nature. It's entirely possible and relatively common for a submissive to own a play collar or two. A sub wearing one to a D/s party signifies their role while allowing them to play with (sexy) accessories. It's also possible for a dom to get a play collar for a sub they are playing regularly with. In this case, putting on a play collar and removing it can act as a formal sign to denote the start and the end of a scene. That said, it is pretty damn rare for a dominant to use the same collar with multiple subs. While toys such as paddles and cuffs are often used with multiple partners (assuming proper cleaning between sessions), no dom(me) that I know would ask subs to share a play collar. Even if it's just used to signify a casual relationship, few consider play collars handed out by a dom a mere toy.
Like with all the other equipment, who brings what to the scene should always be negotiated. There is no canonical answer to the question 'which party brings the play collar for the scene'. A sub is not expected to bring a play collar to a scene, though a dom(me) might ask what kind of toys the sub has.
Permanent collar
A permanent collar always signifies ownership. A sub that wears a collar given by a dom(me) usually belongs to that person and is expected to take them and their wishes/needs into account in one way or another. In a similar vein, a dom(me) that gives a permanent collar to a submissive is expected to care for them. While owning someone (or being owned) might sound sexy, such a relationship cannot work without both parties putting a lot of effort into it. With the power that comes with ownership comes responsibility. There can be no ownership without care and comfort. Even if subs serve doms, they are human and need care and affection.
No one should hand out or don a permanent collar lightly. When a dom(me) comes to a point where they want to collar their sub, they should consider what they think the collar means and explain this to their submissive. A submissive asking to be collared should consider the same question. D/s taps into some of the deepest parts of our psyche. To remain safe, both the dominant and the submissive must agree on the depth and significance of the relationship. As the collar reflects the nature of the relationship, the two must similarly agree on the meaning the collar carries.
Different people value collaring differently. To some, a permanent collar merely signifies that the dominant and submissive are established play partners, but there's nothing deeper between them—the two come together to engage in reciprocal, consent-based play. Meanwhile, some dom(es) and subs see a permanent collar as something akin to an engagement ring. Something sacred. Sometimes collaring means that the submissive becomes exclusive property of their dominant. Sometimes (or usually) permanent collar signifies a committed and a possibly monogamous D/s relationship, but exceptions do exist.
Usually, the dom(me) chooses and purchases the collar and gifts it to their submissive in a ceremony of sorts. This can be as informal as having the submissive kneel before their dom(me), but I've also heard of the dom hosting a small, intimate party to celebrate the occasion. Such a ritual is usually known as collaring. A sub who wears his or her dom(mes) collar is usually called collared.
Day collar
A day collar is a collar a submissive wears outside scenes, either at home or even outside. It's usually an inconspicuous necklace chosen and gifted by the dom(me). A day collar tends to signify ownership and the fact that the D/s relationship extends outside the bedroom. I gave my (former) slave a silver necklace with lilies of the valley on it. As she is a botanist, no one ever bothered to ask her why she wore such an item. A choker can also be worn as a day collar, should the sub's sense of fashion allow such. A day collar can be considered a formal extension of a permanent collar. In some ways, they are one and the same—the one worn merely depends on the occasion.
Choosing a collar
The aesthetics of a collar should always reflect the preferences of the person purchasing it (duh). While a submissive can more or less pick a collar for themselves, a dominant should consider their sub's preferences. My wife is a small woman. She has a dainty leather collar. It has a small ring at the front that's more decorative than practical. This is mostly because she isn't that much into heavy restraints (cuffs) and instead prefers to be tied with ropes. She also looks really cute with the slim collar on her neck. In her case, the collar is a reminder that she belongs to me, and she considers any chance to wear it a reward in its own right.
For a sub that enjoys cuffs, a sturdy collar with multiple rings would be more appropriate. A large collar might have more rings, allowing more possibilities for restraints. Handcuffs often come with links that allow them to be attached to a collar (or ankle cuffs). A larger collar spreads force over a wider area, making it safer for the dom to drag their sub around.
It's not unusual to see collars being sold with bells dangling from them. As much as a bell might be cute, you should consider if you actually want to listen to the jingling all the damn time. Rough sex and gentle chimes don't always mix well. More importantly, a constantly chiming bell can be hell for a sub with auditory issues. If you are picking up a collar with an attached bell, it's prudent to make sure that the bell can be easily removed if necessary.
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