What makes a good dom?
While I am undeniably dominant, chances are that I am not the best authority on what makes a 'good dominant'. While I might have a plenty of experience and a good holistic understanding of D/s dynamics, telling everyone that things that I do make a good dominant is... iffy at best.
That said, I have befriended a number of subs/switches over the years. And so I figured I'd ask them what they think makes a good dominant. Of course there's some selection bias in my sample - we are talking about people willing to talk with me after all. There are probably plenty of submissives out there who don't quite agree on everything mentioned here. And that is perfectly fine. But perhaps we can come up with a rough idea on what makes a great dom.
To avoid the overly studious people writing an essay, I asked the people I know to write 1-2 sentences on the matter. The answers I was given can be seen below. As you can see, someone decided to write an essay anyway. Cat is still very much a good girl. :3
Aardwolf said:
Someone who makes a conscious effort to make me feel appreciated for who I am and what I can do, not what they wish I could be or do. I also think the most important part of being a good dominant as well as a stable person is having control over your own emotions, be those desires or response to stress, Because if you can't control yourself, there's no way I can trust you to try to control someone else.
Badger said:
I would say consistency, self knowledge and self awareness, commitment to principles of consent and humility.
Cat said:
—Is genuine: they clearly enjoy what they are doing and what the sub is providing to the interaction. Most subs are good at reading body language and intention and are not comfortable with "ok, I'll spank you because you want it, but I'm kind of weirded out by this." A masochist might be fine with that, but it's kind of against the grain for d/s
—is perceptive: If you're pushing at edges of what someone can tolerate, you'd better be very good at seeing signs that they're nearly past a limit.
—has plans: They have more power and agency in the moment and have already thought through ways something could go wrong, and what they'd do. There's a lot of subtle ways this reassures a sub that they are 'safe' to let go of certain things with that dom. Are there cushions set where they might otherwise hit their head if they lose consciousness? Is there a non-verbal safeword set up in case they slip past language? But also the feel that each thing has been carefully planned out is comforting in the sense that they may lose control, but their dom has even that all accounted for. And (see above) if they've planned for that, then it's a thing they're comfortable with or even aiming for. —which leads to…
—is accepting: There is something deeply needed by a sub that's fulfilled by that acceptance of them when they're a mess, or they've hit a limit and gone off script or used a safeword.
Dingo said:
Willingness and ability to put aside own ego and expectations. (especially important when it comes to exploring or hitting subs limits) being clear about expectations of the sub. (clear communication). I think these are the foundations for a good Dom on which it can be built upon depending on unique needs and wants of both sub and dom.
Egret said:
Someone that can make me feel desired and cared for, but also use me and is willing to kind of push me, if that makes sense. That's probably the simplest way to put it.
As evident by the replies, good dom is expected to be able to
control themselves and to be
knowledgeable. Ability to
regulate expectations also comes up more than once as does a notion that
a sub should be accepted as they are. A dominant
pushing edges is also mentioned a few times.
While knowledge is something that only comes with time and practice, self-control and managing one's expectations should both be something even a beginner could strive to master.
I'll note briefly that this was not what I expected. I expected the subs to bring up words like 'honesty', 'respect' and 'accountability'. I was later pointed out that honesty and respect are basic necessities and thus not something that makes a great or good dom. Food for thought, considering I have known one of these subs for 15 years.
Self-control
A dominant should never ever lash out in anger. It's fine to be upset and disappointed with your submissive. D/s relationships are no different from any other relationships. Sometimes you get upset with your partner. However, using the power you have been handed to punish your submissive for interpersonal conflict is not fine. It's abuse. If you are upset with your submissive, you should always address the matter in-person outside the D/s dynamic. This goes for both RL play and roleplay.
Funishments (fun punishments) are entirely different story. A sub that's agreed to try their best to not cum during play and ends up cumming anyway, has deserved whatever punishment they have consented to. This sort of
play is just play, as the word implies. You can certainly call your sub a 'bad girl/boy' but you aren't actually upset with them.
If you plan to degrade or hurt your submissive, you need to be aware of just how much physical/mental pain you might cause. You cannot just lash out and see what happens. That can wrong really easy. Causing pain is an art and while some submissives can take a lot of punishment, even then you
need to consider how hard you are striking and where. Human bodies are frail and a blow that hits a wrong spot can cause unwanted harm. That said, both dominant and submissive should be aware that if the play involves such elements, accidents
might happen
. Both parties need to be aware of the risks involved. Needless to say, communication is really important here.
I spent once a fifteen minutes or so biting my sub's neck, resulting her not feeling her jaw for a week. Oopsie. She did adore the bruising, though.
Regulating expectations
You cannot expect submissive to dive into the deep end with you, at least not at first. Similarly, you cannot expect your submissive strictly exist to serve only you. Submissives are people and have lives outside roleplay/fucking around. There are D/s agreements where submissive allows their dominant to take full control of their lives, but such arrangements are rare and often come with risks. Maybe I'll write about Total Power Exchange later. Either way, a good dominant should know what they can reasonably expect from a new partner. I don't think that the submissive people I know were asking anyone to read minds. I think that they merely wanted the dominant to take their time. Submitting to someone, particularly in real life, comes with substantial risks, something the dominant person should acknowledge.
Pushing edges
A dominant should not expect to be able to push their submissive to do something they don't want to do. Now, I have had
some of the people above do something they didn't strictly want to do with their consent. This, however, did not happen until after we knew each other pretty well. This sort of play is often known as 'edge play' — as in, playing at the edge of your comfort zone. Needless to say, edge play shouldn't be attempted lightly, but it can be rewarding for both if done with enough caution. One still should not assume it is going to happen. Not every submissive wants to explore their limits and that does not make them any worse. A submissive should be able to expect their limits being respected.
Dominant that violates your limits or tries to push too hard (admittedly subjective experience) is a red flag. Just to spell that out. A submissive should be allowed their limits. It should be also their choices which limits get pushed, if any.
Accepting your submissive as they are
This sorta ties with 'regulating your expectations'. Each and every sub is ultimately an individual and while some commonalities exist, you shouldn't be expect that every new sub you meet wants to do any of what you did with your previous sub. All people, subs included, want to be faced and treated as individuals — not as a porn dispensers. Even if some subs actually genuinely enjoy being 'used', how they want to be used can very a lot from sub to sub. As much as you are talking to a 'submissive', you should talk or treat them differently from other people — unless you are given a consent to do so. Calling someone a
whore or a
slut without strict consent is not something any dominant should do.
This means that a good dominant will take time to learn the preferences of their submissive/plaything and approach them as a fellow human instead of a a set of genitals. This applies to 'one night stands' and longer relationships both. This incidentally applies to roleplay as well. While a dom might be looking for a submissive write with, they shouldn't assume that the person on the other side of the screen wants to submit in-person. As it happens, most submissive people are usually pretty happy to entertain dom's requests as long as it's something they are comfortable doing. I have had pretty good luck asking my subby partners here something like 'Hey, could we include X in the scene'.
Knowledge
I think that knowledge comes in play two ways. First there's the so called 'mechanical competence'. Understanding what you can and can't do with your toys and how much pain/discomfort a given toy might cause. This ranges from understanding the melting points of different candles (don't use stearin candles for wax play) to understanding how to tie someone in such a way that you don't block the flow of blood to their extremities. If and if you are doing breath play (that is, suffocating/strangling your partner), you should also understand the dangers involved with each given method. As sexy as candle wax, ropes and strangling might seem, they all carry a real risk of long term harm which the dom
has to understand intimately. This sort of experience can't be gained without having someone to mentor you or having
a book at hand. I would recommend all prospective doms to experiment with themselves. Want to know how badly wax burns? Pour some on yourself. Want to know how a flogger feels on a thigh? Hit yourself a couple of times. A good dom
knows or
has a really good idea on just how much a given thing will hurt their sub.
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