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Corporate Drone
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Dec 29, 2011
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Australia
Well...I've been toying with the idea for a while. Finally got around to doing it.

No idea what I'll write here, though. Most likely just random gibberish that probably won't make a lot of sense, even to me. No idea if anyone will read this, either.

Sometimes writing can be a form of catharsis or therapy. Maybe that's what this will end up being for me. It's hard to tell people you know, hard to put into spoken communication, what you're thinking and feeling; but it can be easier letting it all hang out (colloquially speaking) in front of a bunch of people who don't know you and whom you don't know.

If you do read this...well, comments are welcome, if you care to leave any. Just remember the golden rule: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".

The world would be a better place if more people remembered that.
 
One month into a new job, and my team leader - she's working from home, I'm in the office - has called me twice to give me props for good service and good work and for jumping into anything that's throw at me..

I don't think I'm that good - I never have, never do, probably never will. I've always had a low opinion of myself and my abilities...whatever they might be.

It's a strange thing: I don't seek compliments even though I do want some form of recognition...but I get rather uncomfortable when I do get them.

Go figure.
 
Dysfunctional extended family, Part 2:

Went to the "local" Waterfront Festival last night. It's a carnival that's held every year on the foreshore - a variety of rides, side-shows, show bags, music, food trucks, ends with a large fireworks display. Went with my sister-in-law and her partner (and my family, of course).

Asked dysfunctional niece if she was going with her partner. Her reply was along the lines of "Maybe - if we see you, we see you".

They were there - they checked in through Facebook.

We saw them in the crowd during the evening.

We invited them to join us on the beach for the fireworks, told them (via SMS) exactly where we were sitting. Got a vaguely-mumbled reply.

We checked ourselves in to the same festival on Facebook.

Niece comments: "Oh we're sorry we missed you".

Bullshit, love. You avoided us. Don't give me that flowery apology. I see through that shit - we all do.
 
The worst part of having a Muse that's taken an Extended Leave of Absence is knowing that you want to write...but you're also very aware of the disconnect between brain and fingers.

I thought I had something a few weeks ago when I actually managed to get a couple of replies out, but...nope. The Muse is gone again, like the damned thing was just teasing me.

I hate a fickle Muse. And the feeling's probably mutual, knowing my luck.
 
Well...that week is done. And it can piss off.

Stress piled on to both me and my colleague because one of our teammates doesn't push back against a customer who likes trying to bend the rule to make her own life easier.

No, mate - the process is there for a reason. It's there to make our lives easier.

It's there so that when team leaders want to employ 5 new starters with the same start date, we have plenty of fucking time to get their hardware organised, instead of you letting her buck the system and then dropping the hardware requirements on us with two days' notice. I get that you want to help the customers, but you've also got to help your teammates.

Genius.
 
You ever get the feeling that you were born in the wrong time? That today is not right for you?

I do. Often. Not frequently, which I suppose is a good thing, but enough that I find myself wondering when in history I might have been better suited.

I can't answer that, of course, as there are several time periods I would have liked to have lived in: Feudal Japan, Ancient Rome are two periods the quickly come to mind.

Would I have done any better then than now? Who knows?

All I know for sure is that I'd probably still find a way to feel mediocre at best.
 
Depression.

It's easier to be open about it here, because I don't know any of you, none of you know me, and I'm communicating through the medium of a keyboard and screen.

Yes, I suffer from it, and have been for about 15 years or so. Maybe it's been longer than 15 years. I don't know - it feels like it's been with me my whole life. I don't really remember a time when I was not suffering from it in some way. I've been diagnosed as a Moderate case.

Early on I was going through severe negative thoughts and anguish: bouts of extreme loneliness, waves of self-pity I couldn't stop, thoughts of self-harm I never acted on, continually believing that the people around me would be better off if I wasn't here. It's a scary thing to be driving a car at speed on a freeway and have the thought of "...all I'd have to is yank the steering wheel hard over..." go through your head. It's a horrible thing to be by yourself and burst into tears for no reason you can identify or understand. It's a damning thing to be in a room full of friends and family and feel utterly alone.

What's worse is you lie to people about it. I'd tell them I was fine, when I knew I wasn't. I'd laugh and joke around but feel hollow inside. I'd smile and talk happily, but I knew it was only on the outside. Maybe I became more outspoken and opinionated to in part try and hide the emptiness I was always feeling. Depression wants to hide, and I felt weak and ashamed for having something that I couldn't control and was eating away at me on the inside. It was a living hell that I couldn't escape from. They say that the first step in fixing a problem is being aware that a problem exists, right? Not so easy with Depression

It took an enormous amount of willpower to open up to my GP about it.

I've been on medication for it now for about 10 years, give or take. It's not the best out there, but the better medications gave me various side-effects.

I know Depression affects people differently. This is my experience with it.
 
The one really positive thing I have going in my life is that I've lost weight over the last 6 months or so.

Okay, that's not quite true. I am enjoying the new job (except there's just so much work going around, and not enough of us to deal with it in a timely manner), and I still very much love my wife of over 22 years.

But the weight loss is a big one, for me. Right now, anyway.

From my heaviest point, I'm almost 25kg lighter. I haven't weighed myself recently, but I'm definitely over 20kg lighter than I was at my heaviest point. The jeans I've been wearing for so long are at the point where I can take them off like they're a pair of tracksuit-pants - that's with the belt done up. It was good to go shopping today and have to get jeans with a waistline 2 inches smaller.

The hard part now is keeping my weight at that level, and to not fall back into the bad eating habits that got me to the overweight part in the first place.
 
I think that...if I could choose to be a member of any other race/species from any Sci-Fi or Fantasy setting (I know, that's a lot of options), I'd choose to be...Vulcan, from the Star Trek franchise.

As they are seen on-screen, I envy the Vulcans for their ability to exercise strong control over their emotions; I admire their devotion to logic and reason. They have a serenity I find very desirable, an awareness of self that is quite appealing.

Yet they are not without their flaws, it is true. Their devotion to logic and their control of their emotions makes them more susceptible to emotional states when that control fails them, and makes them less likely to comprehend or understand the position of an emotional argument.

In many ways, I identify with the Vulcans. But I know I will never achieve what they have.
 
Just had another 1-on-1 meeting with my team leader - they're a fortnightly thing.

Somehow I'm still doing quite well in my new job (I've been there for 2 months, now), and she tells me she's still getting unsolicited feedback from the rest of the business about how good my service levels are. My TL also says she's wanting to use me as a sort-of benchmark for the rest of the team as to how she wants their work to be like in terms of note-taking and ticket updating, as well as my general service to end-users.

It's...strange, to hear that about myself. I don't see that what I'm doing is anything special, yet apparently it is in this new place. It's good to get strong positive recognition and feedback, but that sort of recognition and feedback is still a little discomforting to me. It's weird, I know...I can't explain it.

I feel bad about feeling good. Go figure.
 
So I'm closing in on three months at my new job, and my Team Leader keeps speaking highly of me. It's starting to get a bit beyond "a little" uncomfortable for me - I've never been one to bask in the glory of my work or achievements - but I can't tell her to stop it. I could downgrade my efforts, I suppose, but that would be somewhat counter-productive.

I'm still very much enjoying the broad variety of work I'm doing - it's a far cry from the stay-in-your-box approach of my previous employer. And there's still a crazy amount of work we're trying to get through. We're in no danger of catching up in the near future.

At least my TL shouted us pizza for lunch today. That was kind of her, and speaks well of her as a Team Leader.

I guess there's just not a lot going on right now. Supposed to be gaming with friends this weekend...if we can all make it. I'm itching to play Helene again, but we've never been able to catch up as a complete group for a while to allow that game to happen. Maybe this weekend will be the one we can all make it.

I can hope, anyway.
 
Had a small break away from home and work with the family. Went to a rural city (I guess that's how you might describe it). Definitely not part of the metropolitan scene, but large enough that it has everything you need. I'd retire there if I could afford it.

The place I enjoy most when we go there is a wildlife park...and when I go there, I get a real feeling of inner peace when I get to feed the semi-wild wallabies and kangaroos there.

Found myself spending a lot of time feeding a mother 'roo - with a joey in her pouch. The mother was trusting enough to let me feed her, but not so much that she'd let me feed the joey. The joey was sure as hell curious - kept sticking its head out of the pouch to find out what was going on, but twice when I slowly moved to feed it, the mother backed up a step. Okay, mum - I get the message. I just wish there was a way I could let you know, make you understand, that I mean no harm to your offspring - I only want to feed it the same way I'm feeding you. But I respect you being protective of your young.

Work is still crazy-busy, but at least we're now starting to make some kind of headway on the workload. I'm consistently putting in 9-10 hour days, but at least my Team Leader is happy to approve my timesheets when I submit them. She and I had chat - not a planned one - yesterday, in which she agreed she feels she's getting value for money when I put in my timesheets, and she also was happy to let me know that she's pushing to bring me on as permanent staff (I'm currently employed as a contractor).

Maybe things are starting to turn around.
 
You know you can't be doing too bad in your job when the Acting-MD passes you in the street (me on my way back from lunch, he on his way to lunch), gives you a warm smile and greets you by name. I guess I'm doing something right.

Other than getting COVID last week, it's been pretty quiet and routine: lots of work, go home, sleep & eat, rinse and repeat.

COVID wasn't bad, at least. Not for me, anyway. It hit the wife the hardest. I only got a bad cold, really. It's the forced isolation for a week that does your head in. "You've got COVID? You can't leave your house for 7 days." Yeah, that makes you feel good. Oh, well. It is what it is.

Looking forward to table-top gaming this week. Finally getting my head back into the groove and running (resuming) the Mass Effect RP I was doing for the group. I put it on hold a long while back because I couldn't work out how to get around certain blocks in the story line (I'm running my players through in parallel with the main story of the game trilogy, so the End Game points were sticking on me.). Now that I've figured out how to move with the End Game scenes, I can push on. My players know what I'm doing, but they don't care that I'm technically cheating on them: it's all about the RP and fun.

Should be good.
 
When You Know You're Doing Well In Your Job, Part 2:

My Team Leader today told me that the job advertisement for the role I'm doing (I'm currently Contract, the role is Permanent) has been posted internally and she's told me to apply for it, and that if I somehow can't access the application page from the link she's supplied she'll talk to HR for me and find out how to get me to the application page.

She and I have also joked about how my interview might go for the position: "Would you like a coffee?" "Sure." "Good interview."

Now I'm worried that I've somehow over-sold myself at work.
 
Well...submitted my application for the permanent role at work.

But I'm not feeling quite so good about it, now.

Not because I'm not confident in my ability to do well in it; more that I found out that one of my colleagues and friends (I guess he's a friend, as much as you have friends at work) is ALSO applying for the same role.

That kinda sucked a bit of the wind out of my sails. I don't want to compete against him for the role. But if I don't get it then I'm facing the end of my contract in a month or so; if he doesn't get it, he faces the end of his secondment that he's currently on that's put him in the role in the first place. Sure, my contract could be extended, like his secondment could be; but who wants that uncertainty?

I almost thought about bowing out of the race; there's no joy in fighting when you're heart's not really in it.
 
Yea, verily, I freakin' love this track: The New Earth (Audiomachine)

The track tells an entire story in just over three minutes of epic music.

It begins with the final preparations into launch, those last-minute checks that you make to be certain of success. Then you set off on your journey, smooth and without issue...until the problems start occurring. One by one the problems occur, each adding to the complexity of the last, and through it the protagonists struggle to contain and resolve the issues as their journey becomes more perilous...and then the journey ends, issues resolved, and your destination sits serenely before you, as if waiting for your arrival.

A truly awesome piece of music.
 
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Sometimes I feel as if I have to point out a failing in my education, something I'm rather embarrassed to have to admit to:

I failed Telepathy101 in High School.

This means that I cannot, unfortunately, read minds.

People I deal with these days have this tendency to speak and act as if I know what they're thinking. Sorry, I don't. If you want me to know something, you're going to have to tell me, in one of a number of old-fashioned ways: speech, SMS, email, IM message...something other than thought.

Otherwise I'm going to continue on my way as if I know what the situation is.
 
So...the permanent role I alluded to a few posts up. The one where I thought about withdrawing because a colleague/friend had applied for the same role.

Had the interview last Wednesday. Went pretty well, all up. Gave good answers, was relaxed, didn't stress, made my interviewers laugh...that sort of thing. There were still a couple of other people to interview for the role, and they hoped to be able to make an announcement by the end of next week.

This morning my Team Leader wanted to have a quiet chat with myself and my colleague. We walked into a room to have said chat, half-joking that this was where we'd find out which of us was successful and which wasn't.

Turns out we were both wrong.

Turns out that our Team Leader had done some fighting for funding, got it, and made us both permanent - we were both successful in securing permanent roles.

That made the day go better.

As I said to my 2-up manager a bit later: I've got a permanent role at a place I'm enjoying, doing work I enjoy (and have been doing for the past 6 months), I'm closer to home, with a better pay packet and options to move & grow...I'm not seeing a downside here.

In hindsight - your TL wouldn't normally invite you both into a meeting to give one of you good news and the other one bad news. But we didn't think that. :)
 
Another piece of music that, to me, tells a story in itself: The Forge (Blue Man Group).

Nevermind that I quite enjoy Blue Man Group overall, but this track has "spoken" to me for some time.

The story begins with a master smith checking his materials, making sure everything is ready. Then he lights the forge, fires it up, arranges his tools...then he begins. Heating the metal, hammering it, folding it, cooling it, hammering it, heating it again, folding it again, cooling it again, hammering it again...honing the blade, checking the line and shape and balance, over and over. Then he fixes the blade to a hilt, binds it, dresses the grip, tightens it. Next he presents the blade to the champion. The final act of the track sees the champion with the blade, testing the blade behind the workshop, slashing and thrusting and swinging, feeling the form of the blade...before accepting the gift at the music's end.

It's interesting what stories music can tell you, sometimes.
 
I love the Dune series - well, most of it, anyway. I stay to the core series of books by Frank Herbert, never really got into the extended books by Brian Herbert. The often Dune-related quotes in my signature might have given a clue. ;)

There's a lot there about the human condition, some really deep insights. The trick is, though, that Dune is not about Paul Atreides being a hero - he's more a warning of the dangers of charismatic leaders, and the main series tends to follow this line from Leto I to Paul to Alia and Leto II...before it breaks into the large-scale repercussions of when such leaders eventually fall.

Anyway...here's an interesting rendition of the main Dune theme from Denis Villeneuve's 2022 movie. :)


View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ0LK5pdfnY
 
So I've been told, essentially, to Piss Off by both my wife and son today.

Different reasons, different circumstances...but same basic reaction.

Kid was playing a game on his computer and getting frustrated/annoyed/angry with it. That happens to us all, and I'm no exception. Problem is, he's at one end of the house and I'm at the other, and I can hear his swearing and cursing. So I go to his room just to let him know that I can hear him, that maybe he might take a break from the game to regroup and calm down. His instant reaction - before I can open my mouth to speak - is to tell me "I don't care what you're going to say".

Later, the wife is trying to heat milk in the microwave without any luck. I start to help clean up - because that's what I do, help her out - and she tells me to go away, leave her alone, don't help, she'll do it herself.

So...yeah. Enjoying the feelings right now. >.>
 
So...I think I died a little inside last night. Or maybe part of me just decided to give up. I don't know.

The wife and I have been married for nearly 23 years (It'll be 23 years later next month), and we dated for over 3 years before getting married.

She'll never grace the cover of a magazine, but I don't care - neither will I. I didn't marry her because of how she looks. I married her because she's beautiful on the inside - she's warm, kind, supportive, empathetic, has a good heart, makes me laugh when I need to laugh, lets me cry when I need to cry...important things like that.

The problem is...she refuses to accept that I see those things in her. Every time I try and tell her how gorgeous she is, how lovely she is, how wonderful she is...she just tells me "no, she's not".

And last night...something inside me just decided to stop trying to tell her, after yet another refusal.

I'm not asking for input - I know none of you can really do anything. I think I'm just venting here, in the only place I can.

It's loosely said that the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Maybe that's where I'm at.

I'd like to hope not, but how many times do you have to try and fail before you just stop trying?
 
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