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PhoenixRising82
“Ours is the Magic. Ours is the Power.”
- Joined
- Jun 1, 2019
- Location
- Hell with Love
So….I made the huge mistake of weighing myself this morning (or maybe it wasn't a mistake but a wake up call). I've been feeling sick, gross, disgusted and while at work….I've been crying. Before I go on….no, I'm honestly not looking for pity and frankly, you can tell me I don't look as bad as I think and feel I do but full stop transparency…….it doesn't matter. It doesn't make me feel any better about myself, so not looking for sympathy or kind words even. I'm just venting really as I don't really talk about how I'm truly feeling all that often.
This. This is what 338 lbs looks like. This is what Depression looks like. This is what daily pain in the back, hips, knees, ankles and feet looks like.
I take medicine for my depression, one to help curb my appetite, one to help with the headaches I start to suffer when I TRY to stop drinking Diet Pepsi, and one to help with the inflammation of my arthritis in my knees and hands……….correction…..I should say I TRY TO REMEMBER to take these medications. Before anyone suggests an alarm to remember to take them……I DO have one set up to remind me daily to take my pills. If I'm busy, I get distracted and I ultimately…..forget. What I thought was "menopause brain fog" is in fact…..actually caused more so by my depression…..which just piles right on top of the whole "trying to remember shit" problem. Literally someone can tell me something and five minutes later….I will forget it, so trying to remember to take my meds isn't any easier.
Three months ago, my doctor weighed me in at 317….she also suggested I try desperately to remember to take my pills every day as I'm supposed to so we can make sure they are working correctly. Also to stop drinking Diet Pepsi (which as a side effect of the med I take for the headaches….it makes pop taste freakin horrible and makes me not even want it). For the first month and a half, I did fucking fantastic! Remembered to take my meds, stopped drinking pop, wasn't eating constantly.
And then I don't know what happened. I just…..fell backwards. The "brain fog" crept in again, started forgetting shit again, started drinking pop again almost all the time and every day. I haven't necessarily been eating too much but I definitely haven't been eating all that great either……buying what I could afford of course, which isn't the best for sure. Or because I hurt and don't want to stand and cook things, I eat out, which isn't good. I know all of this. Consciously I know I'm not doing right and I KNOW I need to get better……but I'm also fighting against my damned self daily….physically and mentally! And not doing a good job, clearly.
So yeah…..this is what depression, pain and gaining weight looks like.
I hate it. I hate myself. I literally feel sick to myself and feel disgusted with myself, which isn't good on my mentality either. And I don't know what to do anymore. At this point, it's just me, daily…..trying to make it through and considering it a win when I do. I know my doctors appointment on Thursday is not going to go well as I had truly hoped it would three months ago. -___-
Just want to make it absolutely clear….I have forever fought to overcome my depression but it is in fact always a back and forth, I know all the retrain the brain stuff and all of that. It's not as easy as flipping a switch though either. Just keep that on mind. I wish it fucking was.
Also of note……one thing that NO ONE has to worry about with me……no matter how low I might ever get, I never ever ever have before, between or now have ever let myself even consider suicide. That is not anything that is wired into me. I promise. And anyone and everyone that knows me on a personal level, knows that.
Now…..running away……that's about all you might have to worry about with me. Lol I would literally just love to throw my hands up (I've got work shit going on too that literally makes me want to do this and it isn't helping matters elsewhere either! Just sayin!), grab the cats and the dog, throw everyone into the car, take one of my bigger checks and just fucking drive until I land. That's all ya'll gotta worry about with me……I just wanna run the hell away.
(I have pictures but I’m not going to put anyone through me posting them, the description should be enough.)
This. This is what 338 lbs looks like. This is what Depression looks like. This is what daily pain in the back, hips, knees, ankles and feet looks like.
I take medicine for my depression, one to help curb my appetite, one to help with the headaches I start to suffer when I TRY to stop drinking Diet Pepsi, and one to help with the inflammation of my arthritis in my knees and hands……….correction…..I should say I TRY TO REMEMBER to take these medications. Before anyone suggests an alarm to remember to take them……I DO have one set up to remind me daily to take my pills. If I'm busy, I get distracted and I ultimately…..forget. What I thought was "menopause brain fog" is in fact…..actually caused more so by my depression…..which just piles right on top of the whole "trying to remember shit" problem. Literally someone can tell me something and five minutes later….I will forget it, so trying to remember to take my meds isn't any easier.
Three months ago, my doctor weighed me in at 317….she also suggested I try desperately to remember to take my pills every day as I'm supposed to so we can make sure they are working correctly. Also to stop drinking Diet Pepsi (which as a side effect of the med I take for the headaches….it makes pop taste freakin horrible and makes me not even want it). For the first month and a half, I did fucking fantastic! Remembered to take my meds, stopped drinking pop, wasn't eating constantly.
And then I don't know what happened. I just…..fell backwards. The "brain fog" crept in again, started forgetting shit again, started drinking pop again almost all the time and every day. I haven't necessarily been eating too much but I definitely haven't been eating all that great either……buying what I could afford of course, which isn't the best for sure. Or because I hurt and don't want to stand and cook things, I eat out, which isn't good. I know all of this. Consciously I know I'm not doing right and I KNOW I need to get better……but I'm also fighting against my damned self daily….physically and mentally! And not doing a good job, clearly.
So yeah…..this is what depression, pain and gaining weight looks like.
I hate it. I hate myself. I literally feel sick to myself and feel disgusted with myself, which isn't good on my mentality either. And I don't know what to do anymore. At this point, it's just me, daily…..trying to make it through and considering it a win when I do. I know my doctors appointment on Thursday is not going to go well as I had truly hoped it would three months ago. -___-
Just want to make it absolutely clear….I have forever fought to overcome my depression but it is in fact always a back and forth, I know all the retrain the brain stuff and all of that. It's not as easy as flipping a switch though either. Just keep that on mind. I wish it fucking was.
Also of note……one thing that NO ONE has to worry about with me……no matter how low I might ever get, I never ever ever have before, between or now have ever let myself even consider suicide. That is not anything that is wired into me. I promise. And anyone and everyone that knows me on a personal level, knows that.
Now…..running away……that's about all you might have to worry about with me. Lol I would literally just love to throw my hands up (I've got work shit going on too that literally makes me want to do this and it isn't helping matters elsewhere either! Just sayin!), grab the cats and the dog, throw everyone into the car, take one of my bigger checks and just fucking drive until I land. That's all ya'll gotta worry about with me……I just wanna run the hell away.
(I have pictures but I’m not going to put anyone through me posting them, the description should be enough.)