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Phoenix’s Meanderings

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Today is such a hard, hard day to get through, even 19 years later. They say it gets easier with time. That time heals all wounds but no….no it does not. Does it get tolerable…..somewhat but nothing will ever make the fact that someone you love so very much will never be here again….any better. Ever.

Sure….he’s here spiritually (if you believe in that sort of thing….and I absolutely do!) but given the choice I’d much rather have my little brother here with the family physically.

I love you, little brother and know that you are so very much missed.

View: https://youtu.be/vE9sh6aVtFI
 
So for someone that can't make omelets like a normal person all that well…..this is great! It makes them well and they are so delicious! I used 4 eggs, some chopped up and seasoned veggies, some cheese and some sausages cut up into it and voila! Tasty omelets!


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The struggle is real. Over here tryin to play a mobile game and my cat keeps shoving her head into the screen….not to rub her face against it like she usually does…..oh no! Tonight she’s licking my fingers, incessantly! 🤣 Fuckin’ weirdo, she is!
 
For you Shell, up in heaven!

I miss you so so fucking much, been the longest two years without my best friend, my ride or die, my road trip/concert buddy. I hope you’re having the best fucking Prince concert/party ever and having him sing this song to you every damned day. Love you Shell Bell.


View: https://youtu.be/hwUKR_9Xdns
 
Genealogy is wild man! When you find out your Great Great Great Grandfather fought in the Civil War for the Union and what company and regiment he was in. Also when you find out he owned a home worth about $150, a Blacksmith shop worth about $100, a 2.5 acre farm worth $50, Two ponies worth $50 and one wagon and buggy worth $25.

It really kind of puts into perspective just how far we’ve actually come (by no means am I saying we don’t still have a long way to go though!). This man really isn’t that far removed from me……I mean….2 horses then…..$50! Two horses now? A fucking arm and a leg and probably an eyeball too.

That was a lot for them back then and it was considered a big thing to have what he had. Simple as it all seems to us now, considering we as a society can’t go anywhere without our cellphones or other electronics. I am guilty. No lie. But it still blows my mind just how just a short time ago…..things were so wildly different.

Excuse my while I go continue to dive further still into my family history! See what else I can dig up, good or bad.
 
So…….I’ve been suffering from some mildly annoying joint pain. Had a doctors appointment a couple weeks ago, for a physical and I informed my doctor.

I’m fat and need to lay off of the Diet Pepsi, which I consume a lot of, admittedly. But she also did a full blood panel on me as well, checking for rheumatoid arthritis as well as mono as either of those could also be contributing to the joint pain. Sure as shit……I’ve got mono.

Me. Haven’t swapped spit with anyone in ages nor do I share my glass with anyone, not even my kid. Hate that! So…..apparently, my sister (studying intensely to become a doctor) thinks it’s likely from my surgery, because of course that shit throws your immune system completely out of whack……so yeah…..me, an introverted recluse has fucking mono.

Oi vey! 🤦🏼‍♀️
 

View: https://youtu.be/1fwJ8H5wWCU


Do you ever get a little bit tired of life?
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die.
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive.
'Cause you gotta survive.
Like your body's in the room but you're not really there.
Like you have empathy inside but you don't really care.
Like you're fresh outta love but it's been in the air
Am I past repair?

A little bit tired of tryin' to care when I don't.
A little bit tired of quick repairs to cope.
A little bit tired of sinking.
There's water in my boat.
I'm barely breathin'.
Tryna stay afloat.
So I got these quick repairs to cope.

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life?
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die.
Like a numb little bug that's gotta survive.
That's gotta survive.​


I owe you all an update and explanation. So here goes!

I’ve been feeling out of sorts as of late. That’s aside from being busy with work and trying to live my life and spend time with family here and there but…..always out of sorts, even if for a little reprieve when I was enjoying my time with family….at the end of the day, when I’d get home, I was just……not right. Not feeling right.

I’ve been trying for months now to get myself back into writing and replying to all of you that I owe replies to. I love writing. I love our stories and so for me to struggle with that (amongst other things that I enjoy) it really just made things worse inside of me.

I’ve been struggling with what I thought was memory issues, I had a doctors appointment on the 29th and I brought it up to her. So she gave me a memory test, as well as another test to take in tandem with the memory one.

Turns out my memory is just fine. But depression can present with memory problems as well. And according to the other test I took, I in fact suffer from depression and not memory problems. I had a friend ask me earlier this evening if it was possible the depression stemmed from my hysterectomy at the beginning of the year but as I told them….in all honesty, no. I’m pretty sure I’ve suffered it considerably longer than that, I just lied to myself and everyone else, didn’t consider it depression and just thought…..”it’s just the way I am, everyone has their days, right?”.

I’ve also been suffering serious joint pain, as I mentioned in a previous post. My knees, wrists and hands in general ache in varying degrees, my left thumb and wrist being the worst. Over the last few weeks, the pain has gotten considerably worse. In part, most assuredly, because I’ve put on some serious weight since I quit smoking. And I’m sure the depression hasn’t helped my eating habits, nor has my work schedule. So I brought that up to my doctor as well and asked to be put on medicine to help me lose weight (because I wanted a physicians help with that whole thing. If I was gonna do it, gonna do it properly.).

She had me go get X-rays of my knees and hands. She had me do a test to see if I’ve gone from borderline diabetic to diabetic. She prescribed me medicine for the joint pain, the depression and the weight loss.

So today, I get a phone call concerning the X-rays. I have mild arthritis in both of my knees and my right hand. I have severe arthritis in my left thumb. Yay fun! Go me! -__- Not! Because one of my biggest fears is losing the general use of my hands. Writing, typing, arts and crafts……all things I love to do but if the arthritis gets any worse and I can’t use my hands……I’d be absolutely crushed. So hopefully the doctor that I was referred to for the severe arthritis will be able to take care of it.

I have not yet heard the results of whether I have crossed into diabetic territory yet, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that isn’t a thing.

On a much lighter and happier note: On June 17th, I became a proud dog momma! He does bring me great joy, so he will be good for me and my healing/fixing myself process! Also good for some exercise while walking him!

Meet Reno! After his second groomers appointment.

@bobsyouruncle1 @ConcealedLegend @Death by orgasm @CasualVelociraptor @Cylian997 @TheCorsair @zuikoden. @Gwyn the Green
 
Just an Update
  • Index
    • So….I made the huge mistake of weighing myself this morning (or maybe it wasn't a mistake but a wake up call). I've been feeling sick, gross, disgusted and while at work….I've been crying. Before I go on….no, I'm honestly not looking for pity and frankly, you can tell me I don't look as bad as I think and feel I do but full stop transparency…….it doesn't matter. It doesn't make me feel any better about myself, so not looking for sympathy or kind words even. I'm just venting really as I don't really talk about how I'm truly feeling all that often.

    This. This is what 338 lbs looks like. This is what Depression looks like. This is what daily pain in the back, hips, knees, ankles and feet looks like.

    I take medicine for my depression, one to help curb my appetite, one to help with the headaches I start to suffer when I TRY to stop drinking Diet Pepsi, and one to help with the inflammation of my arthritis in my knees and hands……….correction…..I should say I TRY TO REMEMBER to take these medications. Before anyone suggests an alarm to remember to take them……I DO have one set up to remind me daily to take my pills. If I'm busy, I get distracted and I ultimately…..forget. What I thought was "menopause brain fog" is in fact…..actually caused more so by my depression…..which just piles right on top of the whole "trying to remember shit" problem. Literally someone can tell me something and five minutes later….I will forget it, so trying to remember to take my meds isn't any easier.

    Three months ago, my doctor weighed me in at 317….she also suggested I try desperately to remember to take my pills every day as I'm supposed to so we can make sure they are working correctly. Also to stop drinking Diet Pepsi (which as a side effect of the med I take for the headaches….it makes pop taste freakin horrible and makes me not even want it). For the first month and a half, I did fucking fantastic! Remembered to take my meds, stopped drinking pop, wasn't eating constantly.

    And then I don't know what happened. I just…..fell backwards. The "brain fog" crept in again, started forgetting shit again, started drinking pop again almost all the time and every day. I haven't necessarily been eating too much but I definitely haven't been eating all that great either……buying what I could afford of course, which isn't the best for sure. Or because I hurt and don't want to stand and cook things, I eat out, which isn't good. I know all of this. Consciously I know I'm not doing right and I KNOW I need to get better……but I'm also fighting against my damned self daily….physically and mentally! And not doing a good job, clearly.

    So yeah…..this is what depression, pain and gaining weight looks like.

    I hate it. I hate myself. I literally feel sick to myself and feel disgusted with myself, which isn't good on my mentality either. And I don't know what to do anymore. At this point, it's just me, daily…..trying to make it through and considering it a win when I do. I know my doctors appointment on Thursday is not going to go well as I had truly hoped it would three months ago. -___-

    Just want to make it absolutely clear….I have forever fought to overcome my depression but it is in fact always a back and forth, I know all the retrain the brain stuff and all of that. It's not as easy as flipping a switch though either. Just keep that on mind. I wish it fucking was.

    Also of note……one thing that NO ONE has to worry about with me……no matter how low I might ever get, I never ever ever have before, between or now have ever let myself even consider suicide. That is not anything that is wired into me. I promise. And anyone and everyone that knows me on a personal level, knows that.

    Now…..running away……that's about all you might have to worry about with me. Lol I would literally just love to throw my hands up (I've got work shit going on too that literally makes me want to do this and it isn't helping matters elsewhere either! Just sayin!), grab the cats and the dog, throw everyone into the car, take one of my bigger checks and just fucking drive until I land. That's all ya'll gotta worry about with me……I just wanna run the hell away.

    (I have pictures but I’m not going to put anyone through me posting them, the description should be enough.)
     
  • Index
    • Well…..so……made it to the middle of the week before the universe decided to add a little more shit to my shit sundae.

    Decided I don’t need my car for this coming week. So yeah, there’s that. 👍🏻

    On the upside…..I do have rides to and from my doctors appointment tomorrow and work over the weekend settled. Yay! Go me! -__-

    Ok excuse me while I go cuddle with my doggo and ride this emotional crisis out.

    Peace, love and chicken grease. 🫶🏻 Love to all and and I hope your days are better.
     
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