♡ A Passionate Journal ♡ (ɴꜱꜰᴡ - ᴇᴄᴄᴇɴᴛʀɪᴄ)

[Passion]

​

________________________________________________________

Once your soul catches fire,
you'll never be the same.
________________________________________________________




As someone who strongly believes in self-expression, a journal comes naturally.
Expect saturation compared to reality; this is the internet.

WMhYaHtEAyRoTuANcDaMnI NfDiSnCdREhAeMr !!e!:

♡ Ramblings
♡ Art - (aesthetic to lewd)
♡ Easter eggs
♡ Inspiration
♡ ₵Ⱨ₳ا


WChAaNtY'OsUHtEhAeRMvEi?b!e??

♡ Girly ♡ BDSM ♡ Delirium ♡ Dreamscape ♡ Obscurity ♡



✓
Allowed, if done politely.
All blunt NSFW should have a spoiler tag.
I like the surface of my journal to be tasteful.

X
No spam, long convos, or debates.
You may not agree with me.
This isn't the place for it.

----------------NO LONGER UPDATED----------------
Color Key
Inspiration - Art (Lewd) - Delirium - Tarot
Rambling - Old Monthly Entries (retired)
-----------------------------------------

Entries

(Some entries are purposely not listed)
♡ Obsession
♡ Burn or Drown?
♡ BDSM
♡ Violet Thoughts
♡ Curves
♡ Seduction
♡ Scream
♡ October 2021
♡ Code
♡ THIEF
♡ November 2021
♡ December 2021
♡ Reflection
♡ Whirlwind
♡ Tarot
♡ Janurary 2022
♡ February 2022
♡ March 2022
♡ April 2022
♡ May 2022
♡ Broken Wish
♡ Unsent Letter
♡ June 2022
♡ July 2022
♡ Chasing Lights
♡ Dream
♡ S n a p p e d
♡ Snippets
♡ Random Vent
♡ Sadomasochism
♡ Tangled Soul
♡ Lost Writing
♡ What a Mess
♡ Wildfires & Dark Seas
♡ Alone
♡ Passion
♡ DEMAND
♡ Identity
♡ Passion
♡ Writing Sample
♡ Obsessive Child

​

 

[Passion]

[Inspiration Page]
​

♡
♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡



M̷̡͉̼̺͑̎̂̈͝y̵̘͇̪̻̰̪̖̣̥̭͐̐̎͛̎ ̵̨͖͎̯̭͖͂̑͌́̿͗L̵̢̲͎̺͖͇͎̣̜̏̀̈́̇̋̅͆̽̕ȍ̶̹v̴̧̤̖̙̦̹̜̬̰́͆͗͐̓̒̓̇̑e̷͉͛͂̀͌̈́͘,


you make me so...
HwIeGaHk.

Don't you ꜱᴇᴇ?
F̴̥̤̩̈́́́̊̐̔̓̐͝ą̶̮̥̬̽̂ț̶̡̎̈́̊̋̊ė̷̘̩͙ has connected us.
It is written in the 𝓼𝓽𝓪𝓻𝓼.

NSFW

(Click for full size)
I feel it coming over me.
I'm...dFrLoYwINnGi!!n!!g.

YEoRuR OaRr!eC OaRlRlUPIT IcOaNn! OtVhEiRnRkIDaEbSoTuAtR.T

ITAwKiElMlEBsRaEvAoKrMEeSvHeArPyEMdEr! oMpAKoEfMEyYoOuU.RS

Stand c e n t e r in my shaken and clouded world.

B̵̛̗͚͛̋́̂͐͌͝͝͝è̴͔̘͙̻ ̵̻̟̦͎̭͂̈́̂͆̈̌̒̚͜m̸̳͓̒̀̈̍͋̉̕y̴̯͙͚͔͈̹͍̅̋͐͆̀͗̒̏͝͝ ̸̢̧̨͙̺̱͎̱̪̄̽̈́̆ĉ̴̡̨̖͉̱̝̳̞̯̎̒ọ̷̩̞̫̜̫͚͕͚̩̓r̴̡̛͉͇̲̯͚̲̳̼̒͒̀́͑̃̌͐͝ê̴̫̥͉̄̏́́̽́͝͝ͅ

It's not a delusion. It's not a delusion. It's not a delusion! IT'S NOT!

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡
𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮

♡

 

[Passion]

[Delirium]

​

Burn or Drown?

I've been waiting for so long.
How long must I wait?

The sea is an endlessly black...

...and the city is on fire.

__________________________________________________________________________________


I stand on a dock staring out at the void-shaded sea.
I wait to catch a glimpse of fleeting light.
Promising lights used to shine welcoming near.
Now a rarity, merely a tease.
Is this just a game to you?
I'm trapped on this dock.
Captured between an endless sea and a city ablaze.

Caught in the middle,
I'm forced into a limbo.
I don't forgive you.
I call out to the shadowy waters,
I call until my body .sHhEaLkPeMsE,
but I'm a silly girl,
I always am unheard.
Or am I ignored?
So foolish of me
to expect the same heart in return.

I wonder why I was left here.
What lesson was I to learn?
Is this solely suffering?

I look behind me:
> Can battle the ever-burning flames?
I look before me:
> Should I dive into the icy abyss?
BURN OR DROWN?! BURN OR DROWN?! BURN OR DROWN?! BURN OR DROWN?! BURN OR DROWN?!
I can't keep waiting.
All light is fading,
but I refuse to fade.
♡​

 

[Passion]

[FEVER - Art Dump]​

[A BDSM Collection]
(Anime/Illustations)
> I'm oblivious when it comes to canons.
> Some random favorites I dug out of my collection.





It's an irresistible calling to some.
A deep yearning.
A way of life.

NSFW

(Click for full-size)

Claim ALL of me.



Fill me.

You're welcome.~
​

​

 

[EyeCatcher]

Yes Please!!
Accepting contributions to this piece of art?

 

[Passion]

Yes Please!!
Accepting contributions to this piece of art?

Do you mean by adding content? Go for it!

I'm actually going to add it as a rule, but if you could keep any possible NSFW pictures behind a spoiler, that would be great! I like the idea of the surface of this journal being PG-13ish. Other than that, feel free to add to the chaos of my journal ;D.

 

[EyeCatcher]

Only used drawn referances for now, add to your last sexy post!

NSFW

 

[Passion]

Bondage.

Thanks for sharing the wealth!

 

[Passion]

[Delirium]​

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

I hide myself away to keep it all alive.

I've been lost for so long.

Wake me up.

​

 

[Passion]

ERROR - ENTRY DELETED.

I... don't understand.​

 

[Passion]

[Art Dump]​

[Curves Collection]
(Anime/Illustations)
> I'm oblivious when it comes to canons.
> Some random favorites I dug out of my collection.


So soft, so smooth...

NSFW

(Click for full-size)

​

 

[Passion]

[Inspiration Page]​

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
---♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡​

SIwAeMeAtDhEeMaOrNt,

I'm theSfIeCtKiNsEhSS
you never knew you had.

Warning: Seduction can be a form of violence.

💋

Withstand me.
Beat me at my own game,
and I'll give you everything.
If you fall to me, you will pay dearly for your weakness.

"Knew he was a killer first time that I saw him,
Wonder how many girls he had loved and left haunted.
...
He acts like such a man, so I see nothing better,
I'll keep him forever Like a vendetta
...
I was a robber first time that he saw me.
Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry.
But if I'm a thief, then he can join the heist.
...
He can be my jailer,
Every lover known in comparison is a failure
I forget their names now, I'm so very tame now
Never be the same now."
-𝅘𝅥𝅮

---

𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮 𝅘𝅥𝅮

​

 

[Passion]

[Rambling - Scream]​

________________________________________________________________________________

> Screaming; a moment to be raw, loud, free, and true. <
_________________________________________________________________________________
​

Without going into a long "woe is me" story, just take my word for it when I say I've always lived a difficult and dark life. While I have been putting myself together, and I'm much better than I once was, but it is safe to say that all the pieces still aren't in the right places. - Consider this a disclaimer.

A large theme in my struggles relates to emotional suppression mixed with being forced to go through life with the facade set up and expected out of me. Due to this, I have to keep a lot of real emotions to myself or it just happens naturally at this point. I'm so used to needing to keep them under lock and key. Sometimes it all becomes too much. There is only so much I can hold back. When that happens, there is nothing in this world that I want more than to scream out with all my heart.

No, not into a pillow.

​

I want to hear my height, feel the vibration of my high pitch, and I want to not worry if the muffling is working enough. I don't want there to be any form of suppression... something I know far too well. I want to scream like a wild animal, and not have anyone think I'm being murdered or actually insane. Easier said than done unless I lived in the middle of nowhere or riding a rollercoaster. I want to free myself of all emotional energy.

Instead, I stand there with a smile on my face while wrapped up in false calm and sunny air. I've been pretending to be someone I'm not for so long, yet I'm screaming so violently in my head that my thoughts tremble and yet all is so still and quiet in ⱤɆ₳Ⱡł₮Ɏ.

I often daydream about standing at the edge of a cliff, near a sea, or facing someone I want to express to and can't. I scream until I feel like my body is ready to collapse. I pour all my worries, pain, heartbreak, disappointments, hate, and everything into it, and yet... There, in actuality, I'm alone in utter silence.

The desire to scream has turned into feeling as if it is a need to cleanse my soul. To have a moment of deep and raw truth. I can feel the impulsive burn in my throat, while I feel like held back screams are polluting me. I need it so desperately out of my system, and I can't.

Get it out of me. Give me a reason to scream!
​

This has also taken a sexual form in my life. No, I don't necessarily want to scream bloody murder in the bedroom, but I have a strong desire to be as loud and expressive naturally as possible. I don't want to worry about anyone hearing. I don't want to worry about what my partner thinks about it, instead, I want to be completely lost in the moment without limitations, including my volume.

Other times, the desire is tied to emotional masochism. I'm conditioned to have stress excite me. Quick explanation, one way I've coped with stress throughout life is to think about sex. This is pretty normal in some regards, but it is fairly excessive for me. Highly sexual thoughts have been my "escape". For example, when I'm angry and must keep it to myself, I daydream about something like non/dubcon, where it is valid for me to be extremely angry, and yet I find pleasure during the wild the expression, or I'll think about having a sexual "venting" session to rid myself of the fiery or distressing emotions.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll cover my stance on emotional masochism another day, but the point being, I'll crave to have someone make me scream or cry until everything is out of my system. It could be screaming in bliss, overstimulation, or from being totally swept up in passion. I just don't want to scream from physical pain, since... ouch, but one would think that would be fitting.

So, why am I talking about this now?
It happened again last night. ​

I was laying in bed, my mind fluttering with thoughts and emotions that made me both want to cry and scream, but all I could do was lay there wishing I could. I felt like I was drowning in my own emotions silently. I could see myself in my mind screaming again and again, and I fell asleep to the blazing sounds of my inner screams. I'm silenced.

My life doesn't allow me many outlets. Luckily, I found some peace with writing about it. Art and creativity are healing. There is more I can say on this topic, but I'm sure I'll save that for another rant.

If you ever have the chance to safely express yourself, make sure you always do so, or you may end up like me. ​

 

[Passion]

October Thoughts

I'm still standing.

There has been so much that I feel like I need to say, but I'm left scattered.

Let me try to organize:

​

Anxiously Confident

I'll do whatever I have to.
I'll be whoever I need to...​

Studying feels like all I've been doing lately. I've always been a great student (unless it involves math), because I put a lot of effort into my work. The thing is, what I've been studying hasn't been too kind to me. Not only is the content something that I don't have any personal experience with or interest in, but the online course is a mess. It has been jumping around in some of the most unproductive and confusing ways. I also like to think I have a fairly colorful lexicon, and yet I can barely understand the book. Clearly, the writer was having a good ol' time with the thesaurus. The class is difficult, dense, and unorganized. I can't get a grip on it all.

Despite all this, I'm nearing the end with a certification test in the near future. Yes, I'm stressed out about it. I have an entire notebook full of notes of complex laws, strategies, and formulas that I'll need to apply to pass. I believe I can do it, but that doesn't make it easy.

Not only that, I'll be returning to work soon. As of now, I have off and on seasons. Next month, I'll start going to corporate meetings again and such. They will not only expect my certification done, but there will be pressure to once again run my office to a top-three spot in my district. I need to tap into a different mindset.

Soon, I'll be putting back on the most powerful facade that I have. Yes, I'm a submissive at heart (even nonsexually) and always will be, but I know how to take control with a smile on my face and refuse defeat. So much so, I found myself in leadership positions.

I know how to play this game better than I should.
​

It hasn't been the easiest to be taken seriously. My workers are all quite a bit older than me, mostly male, and no matter how hard I try to present myself physically as mature, it often fails. I have a bunch of "cute", "innocent", and "youthful" features that not even a skillful hand at makeup seems to be able to solve. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty, but my round face, high pitched voice, short height, and overall I look about ten years younger than I actually am. While the latter is usually a compliment as a woman, my age becomes an attraction to talk about like I'm a circus freak. I even had uber drivers randomly questioning my age to be shocked. Call me old school, but when did it become acceptable for strangers to ask a woman her age when it isn't needed?! I'm not that old nor do I look it, but I'm at an age now that I'm not comfortable advertising, and every job and even strangers end up asking me. At times, not even believing me until I show an ID. I'm guessing it is because I look young, but I do at least give off the air of a mature woman. Unless my immature sense of humor kicks in. Cough.

If someone underestimates me and doesn't want to take my cute face seriously like I'm a harmless pissed off jigglypuff, I'll show them my fire. They fall into line. It's that simple.

Many people have been working for this company for a long time, so last season, I had to make sure I demanded respect. I also proved I wasn't a pushover by staying firm against those who tried to intimidate me after some rather blunt stand offs. I looked them dead in the eyes telling them to try me. I've seen the pits of hell and endured, so it takes a lot for me to back down. I made such waves to the point the higher-ups noticed me, and I'm next in line for another promotion to an even higher leadership position.

Now, I need to do it again. I'll be putting on my heels and blazer on pretending that I'm ready to conquer the world. Despite my sweet smiles, I'll take no excuses. I feel the need to build on this persona as much as I can, since I know I still look like a cute girl walking around in her big sister's heels. Also, deep down, I'm a submissive, but I have learned to channel dominant energy in my presence and expectations in order to get things done. I cannot be seen as a weak woman if I want to survive out there.

At least I taught those I work with to not judge a book by its cover, but maybe I've done too good of a job in my molding this lie... At the same time, who knows what makes a good Dom more than a sub?

WMEeAmKoNrEyS:S
Me: I need all your paperwork submitted before you leave. You didn't do it yesterday, and I let it slide. Now, I will be making sure that it's done.
Worker: Wow, I've only been here two weeks, and you already have me under your thumb. You are good at this.
Me: I'm just doing my job. Make sure to have your late paperwork finished, alright?
Worker: I bet you wear the pants in the relationship, huh?
Me: Excuse me? I just take my work seriously.
Worker: Oh, come on! I can totally see it! If you aren't, you should.
Me: Just get your damn paperwork done!​

My facade almost cracked right there. The reminder of how much my life has been laced with lies was sickening. I have grown men admitting they are bending to me. Their compliance irritates me, but at the same time, I'm meant to be in charge. It is all going to plan and how this dynamic should work, but it feels so wrong.

With the gift and the curse of fluidity, I'm able to shape myself in just about any way that I need to. It was a skill I had to and was also forced to learn in my life from a young age. Without much of a center, many took advantage of me, and many I allowed it since it felt like my place to suffer. I let people guide me straight into hell to the point I nearly lost my life, and I'm still struggling. However, after being broken down in ways I'll never be able to dictate properly into words, I grew bitter, but strong instead of fizzling out, and I've learned how to use this trait to my advantage.

I found that forming a dominant personality has protected me and has gotten me much further than the timid, gentle girl who got walked on again and again. My submissive nature has been used against me so much in my life, that now it's under lock and key and guarded by beasts. I tend to be aggressive towards anyone who tries to touch it after being too giving of a soul to very cold people. It is the truest aspect of me that I know. However, being called out by a coworker made it clear how far this dominant trait of mine had gone.

I could write a lot more about being a boss as a secret submissive and the struggles that come with it, but I already know this journal entry is waaaaay too long. I will say that it isn't easy and contradicts one deep part of me I know to be true, but if you want something done right, do it yourself.

Alone

After all that we've been through...
​

I wish it wasn't true, but I don't handle being alone very well. I feel like the word extrovert is a bit of an extreme when describing me, but I am a social person. I find the longer I'm alone, the more lost in twisted thought I become.

I always have an itch to express myself, even if it is just giggling over a joke. The thing is, that is even hard to do these days. I've lost a lot of friends over the last few years. Most of these losses are rather natural. People get busy and fall out of touch, but with losing more friends than I've gained, and dealing with a few very important people in my life turning their backs on me... it has been hard. There is a lot I can say about this, but it would just be unproductive emotional vomit at this point. I'm trying to move on. I don't have the time for things that lack heart.

Anyway, the point is, I have lost a lot of my social outlets. I wake up to only work-related messages or nothingness on my phone now when it used to be filled with colorful messages. I give a punch line to a joke to an old friend, it will take a day for a response even if we used to speak throughout the day. I cannot force friendships, but my attempts to be fun, compassionate, and/or personal all seem to fail with those I used to hold dear. I struggle to grasp this. I'm a committed person, and I don't let people go easily like they have with me.

I have tried to throw myself into social settings online, random discord servers and such, but I can't find my place. Probably doesn't help since I do shift to whoever I'm speaking to, so I'm not sure where I belong and where I'd be appreciated. Other times, I'm completely turned off, or far too blunt. Elegant, childish, or rough around the edges. I'm near impossible to understand.

There is family, but my family is unhealthy. I'm on a personal journey toward balance and liberation, and I will find the opposite there.

In the end, I'm just kinda lonely. I'm sure work will soon keep me busy enough; half my job is wooing clients. Not really ideal, but loneliness and feeling misunderstood is just part of the human experience. I'll live, even if I have to tackle down this world alone. I learned my lesson a long time ago about relying on others, yet my heart aches.

🍂🍁🍂

The red of autumn is the warning of winter.
​

I hate the cold. I mean, I hate it. I have the goal to one day move somewhere where winters are mild or basically don't exist, that is how much I hate it. It doesn't take me much to start shivering like crazy, chills that takes me hours to get rid of, and the smallest cold breeze goes right through me. I also have a condition where my limbs cramps up when I'm cold; I can't even touch snow!

I also suffer from seasonal depression to the point that even seeing the seasons change, even before it gets cold, starts to bring me stress. I'm a very... receptive person. Gloomy days really bring me personal gloom.

Even though that is the case, I'm trying to conquer it this year! I mean, I don't expect miracles, but sometimes I just am so heartbroken summer is gone or feels like forever away!

So, I'm trying to embrace the changing seasons more. Right now, I'm trying to find a cute winter coat that I'll be happy to put on (why are they so expensive?! ;c). I'm also trying to find some stylish boots too! I bought caramel apples, and I even went to a pumpkin event. It isn't helping as much as I'd hope, but better than stay at home glaring at the graying skies.

I already am missing the comforting heat, the vivid green, and the humming buzz of summer... I really don't want to wilt away with everything else this season.

I'll do my best, but it's hard not to chase summer.

Caught in Daydreams (NSFWish)

I am helpless to my own desires.​

I can tell the stress has been getting to me. I keep finding myself escaping into sinful daydreams to the point I'm losing track of time.

Times like this, my daydreams often end up jumping all over the place; fragmented, so it's hard to be specific. Romance, being kidnapped and taken advantage of, fantasy, wrestling, bondage, creatures, breath play, and you name it, I'm probably thinking it as long as it doesn't cross into my limits.

Sometimes, it is overwhelming.​

I'm not sure what to focus on, and I can't hold on to a thought enough for it to be fruitful beyond some highlights. Nevertheless, it still is exciting to think of more or less in the form of countless gifs and clips. I wish I could just settle with a batch of similar daydreams, but I think part of the reason why my mind jumps is to prevent fixation. I do have an issue with that. It is easy to become obsessed if I become impassioned by something or someone, so I try to be careful, and yet I hate limiting myself. Facedesk.

I will say, I've been thinking about laps a lot, and I'm not sure why...

​

Not the kinkiest theme around, but I have noticed that theme, although in very different contexts. From crawling up on a man's lap in attraction, to being held tightly from behind and forced down, from a scene of riding a king on his throne, and even taking a moment to rest on my knees to embrace a leg while I kiss along the thigh... I'm not sure why out of everything this keeps coming up, but maybe it is because it can be in many different contexts. Who knows... I'm sure my mind will jump to something else in a day or two.

 

[Passion]

[Delirium]​

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡​

​

x

♡ flu·id·i·ty ✗
1. Smooth elegance or grace.
2. The state of being unsettled or unstable; changeability.
I cracked the code.
♡ air·y ✗
1. Exceptionally light, delicate, or refined.
2: Unreal, unsubstantial, illusory.
Huh, where am I?
♡ fier·y ✗
1. Intensely passionate.
2. Impulsive, rash, and emotionally volatile.
Burning alive.
♡ re·strained ✗
1. Cool and formal. Kept under control.
2. Unemotional or dispassionate.
Yet wild.
♡ whim·si·cal ✗
1. Playfully peculiar or extravagant, especially in an appealing and amusing way.
2. Erratic; unpredictable.
La-la-lala-la ~
♡ es·cap·ist ✗
1. One who tries or manages to get out of captivity.
2. One who seeks distraction and relief from unpleasant realities.
Free me by capturing me.
♡ cam·ou·flaged ✗
1. Protective coloring; the result of obscuring things to deceive an enemy.
2. Actions or devices intended to mislead or disguise yourself.
Oh, it is so easy to get lost in all the colors...
✗ es·o·ter·ic ✗
1. Likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialized knowledge or interest.
Special in an utterly lonely way.

​

 

[Passion]

[Vent - THIEF]​

So...
I'm really pissed off.
Excuse bluntness and the lack of grace throughout this vent.
I've been so mad, I could hardly sleep, and I woke up still burning.

So, this picture is a quick edit by me. Original here.

[Context]
I photoshop for fun. At times, it is lazy edits (like the two edits you'll find here).
Other times, I spend days working on projects.
This is all related to what I found out last night... ​

[Last Night]
I had an old friend reach out to me to inform me that a bunch of my creative concepts and detailed edits were stolen by another. You see, I have one very long-term character who isn't here on BM, and I'll say she is on Website A. I've been developing her for 5-6 years. Her world, map, history, and many hours of editing work to get pictures to the point they felt like her were done by me over the years. If anything, my character drew a lot of attention on Website A for how long she has been developing, how seriously that she has been handled, and how much her story weaves with others. Almost everyone knew at least of my character on Website A including the theft.

Well, this person stole everything and is now saying it is their character on another website (Website B), where I'm not too active.

My friend who raised the alarm and is active on Website B confronted them for me, and this person lied saying we are friends and so it is okay. That they are the original colorist as well...

LIES.
All of it! ​

It turns out that I had this exact issue with this person on Website A. I had caught them using a few of my edits, and I requested NICELY to not use them. Back then, they were nice enough to listen and use the originals instead of my edits. Then, behind my back, they took EVERYTHING (much more than the first time) claiming it is all their concepts and edits on website B.

I made the mistake of contacting them while emotionally driven. However, based on how the convo went, they weren't gonna budge anyway. Didn't matter if they indirectly have known me for years, or that we already have a similar convo a few years ago.

[Summary of Convo]

Me: I've spent years making her! Countless hours making all those edits!
Them: Don't care.​

I didn't even swear, but I was ranting about how rude and uncreative it is to steal my stuff that I've been working on for years. They then blocked me. I still had SO much to say!

They have like 20+ of my fucking edits I spent days and days on! They even were fucking creepy enough to steal from small hidden links. Everything from the meat of their profile to the small icon is mine. My edits that are 5+ years old to less than a year are all there!

There are so many nice FCs out there, why do they have to steal my shit when I already called them out before?! Why, when so many don't stick with a character for many years as I have, am I a target? No one should be, but if you are going to steal, how about taking from someone who forgets their characters after a few weeks?!

So, I gathered proof that my edits are older than their profile and contacted staff. There is a weird gray area where I can't claim art since I'm not the original artist. Totally get and respect that, but it's like someone running off with your Harry Potter fanfiction that you spent years on for someone to steal it and say it isn't yours. It may not have legal grounds, but it is ill behavior. I told staff that if I can't request a takedown, I wanted to note the lying and stealing. Some communities don't stand for this type of behavior in general. Even if this person got a warning, it would be better than nothing.

[Outcome]

They said they can't help me ∶DDD!
They didn't even seem to note the shitty behavior.​

I'm not surprised, since I know there isn't much to protect me despite all the fucking time, creativity, learning, and effort I put into my work. I'm not trying to sell anything or say I'm the original artist, but I don't appreciate my work being taken!!! I don't care if there isn't legal ground, the morality is fucked.

All I could see was red. My body started to literally SHAKE in anger. My mind raced with ways I could get vengeance. I know for a fact that now my edits are gonna have a hidden "watermark" of "Fuck you, [person]", or something on the lines of that. Yes, I'm that petty of a bitch if I'm wronged like this, but I'm trying to stop myself from planning beyond that...

I can be as sweet as one can be, but you don't want to be on my bad side. Once I get thinking like this, I can't stop. Thoughts turned toxic as I plan their downfall. No, I wouldn't do anything that cruel, but I know I could leave a mark.

I thought about dragging all my art and overall character on Website B and making a wave in the community about how there is more or less an imposter. I can do my thing while sprinkling in that info. I'm sure they would feel awkward sitting online with my presence where our profiles basically match. Of course, I would have to prove I'm not the imposter out of the two, after all, they use Website B more than me, but I can handle that. I'm convincing, and I have the TRUTH on my side. I even have the photoshop files and the link to my original profile that has 98% of the content. ;D

Thing is, I have enough on my plate when it comes to being busy and stress. I shouldn't waste my fucking time getting into a new community just to prove a point because some uncreative bitch can't stop stealing my shit. Hell, it might not even work in a productive way, and could even backfire; my self-control and judgments are questionable while I'm emotional. While I wouldn't be malicious, I can see them trying to report me for "slander", because I might not be able to shut up about how they are thief while speaking to others. I'm THAT pissed.

I guess I should be flattered they like my edits so much they have been trying to steal them for years! Hahaha... Not.

While the logical best thing to do is to try to let it go, I HATE the idea of letting them have the "win" when they are wrong! So, I'm stuck feeling like I'm ready to blow, and yet I'm helpless. I can't actively change anything, and I have nowhere to direct this anger. I guess I'm supposed to sit there and quietly accept an L, but that isn't my style.

Ugh, I'm so mad and sad about this whole ordeal. It's gross seeing someone is active with your OC and even change their sex. (They turned my character into a futa, while I'm not judging, it's something I'd never add to my character, so it's like an extra slap on the face). I can't imagine going through someone's character profile and stealing a bunch of things. RP is about being creative, this isn't creative.

If you feel you need to steal another RPer's OC just to have your own, you need a new hobby for having 0 of your own creativity.
(I don't feel the same about canons, but us RPers should respect each others original ideas)​

So, now what?!

. . .

. . . . . .

I guess I wait until I'm "over it", huh? Once again suppress myself? Let them fucking win? Looooooooooooooooooooovely....

Original​

 

[Passion]

November Thoughts

Why do I still care?

Strangers 💔

[VENT] - Strangers... I'm pretty sure this is what most people want to become in my friend circle. I complained about it some last month, but here I go again.

You see, I had a very close group of internet friends for many years. We all supported each other and had a lot of fun together! Also, during an extremely dark period of my life, I don't know what I would have done without them and their patience. Due to this, and talking daily for years, I feel like I gave a lot of them a piece of my heart. Some more than others, but overall, they have been amazing friends to me, and I always tried to do the same back. I thought it would stay that way; everyone was kinda on the same page that you should hold dear such close friends, that our group was rare compared to other groups, but... that didn't happen.

As a group leader, I fought very hard to keep everyone together. Other than a few whispers, I ultimately failed. I'm still dumbfounded by this. How could everyone... one by one... start to fizzle away?

I heard alarms going off, and I think I was the only one who heard them.

I'm still stunned; it wasn't like a deep "final straw" kind of conflict that happened. There rarely was any drama, and for the most part, despite some hiccups, everything was pretty healthy. Despite this, I had to sit and watch nearly everyone drift away. Other than some efforts here and there, I let them. I can't force anyone to stay, and if I could, I wouldn't want that. Deep down, I know one painful truth:

if someone wants to stay... they stay. If they don't, they don't.
WHY AM I THE ONE WHO STAYS?!​

They... didn't.

I stayed. I waited. Of course, I can blame the busy lives, but we were busy then too. I can see a few drifting away here and there, but why so many? It makes me mad, but... should I be?

I mean, I don't even know if my emotions are actually valid at this point, since this is normal, so many lose connections... but should I just sit and totally be okay with that every damn time like they apparently are? Do I just care more than them...? Probably... I tend to care more about people and things in general compared to others, and I really needed them when I was at my lowest, so maybe...

They have been more special to me than I ever was to them.​

Such a thought is rather sad too. Either way, it sucks.

One of the hardest parts has been losing someone in the group that had a very special place in my heart. I admired him greatly for always letting me speak without a filter. I felt like I could tell him anything. All my secrets, dark thoughts, my past... almost nothing was off-limits, and it went the other way; I was an active listener.

Now, I know this was a bit selfish of me, a big part of me just wants to be heard (why this journal is going to be way too frickin' long), and I cannot shut up if someone, especially someone I trust gives me the chance to speak. I want to tell my story since I'm alone in it, and he made me feel so much less alone. Not many people attempt to understand me (don't blame them; I'm a beautiful mess), and can look at me with an open mind. He did... He did for years, I returned such efforts back. Of course, we did a lot of other things together, but overall, I really thought even if we became distant, he would be someone that would at least always kinda be there.

Eventually, he closed upon me with an iron door. I waited, I waited... I waited... I poked... I waited... The silence drove me crazy, but I thought maybe he needed space. Maybe he is going through something personal. There was NO way he would leave me totally behind, right?

Well, I waited until I was bitter. I thought bringing it up would make a fragile situation worse, but I once again was stuck alone with all this one-sided distress. I coped by believing that maybe we were still wishing each other well in thought, or that I would get a message one day to break the silence. I had tried a few times with the flattest responses in return; the message was clear.

Then, one night, I finally snapped, and I pounded on that iron door demanding answers that I deserved. All I got was a few cold words, and silence once again filled the air.

My role was clear in his eyes; I was fated to be only a memory. I would wait, but I would not beg. I couldn't keep trying to hold onto sand, so I forced myself to walk away instead of staring at his turned back.

I feel betrayed, heartbroken, and extremely pissed off. I would have done literally anything I could for him, as he did so much for me, but yet he would let me go? The explanation I got didn't even sound applicable to our situation, but I wasn't going to waste my time questioning him if that was his response. In the end, I said my piece, and that didn't change anything, so I set the bridge on fire and dug a grave that I am trying to not mourn over.

I think I'm missing some social norm or something. Reflecting back on friendship throughout school, adult life, and the internet... almost everyone leaves, but yet a lot of us feel some form of loneliness... so, why then?

If only I had the desire to live like a hermit away from people. They know what's up.

Daydreams ☁️

"In my head there is a fire keeping me safe and warm."
​

I carry so much metaphysical weight, but I try to make the most out of everything I can. I'm dealing with a heavy life and soul. I can't express how proud of myself I am for still enduring and growing during hardships. I refuse to crash as hard as I did in the past, and so far, I've done a great job. Pat on the back.

Thing is, the impulse to have a moment to escape it all is so strong. Instead of battling, instead of being some unbreakable rock... Can I just... Give in for once?

Can I have a moment to fall apart and...
b r e a k ?

I crave stillness instead of the battling the crashing waves.

Helplessness, to realize it is okay to give in. That I need to give in.

I crave to give up control instead of remaining in strict control.

The freedom of utter surrender.

I crave to have all out thoughts emptied from my mind.

Lost in high.

To be consumed by another and our desires.

I will be the canvas for our sins.

I want the fight snuffed out of me.

I crave to be wholly taken to find my deepest depths.

To be utterly raw.

An escapee, left with just instinct and soul.​

​

 

[Passion]

December Thoughts

"Behind the darkness there's a sea of neon lights.
And maybe you think I'm sinking, but you just can't get inside.
Don't try to save me when my mind is finally free.
Cause I'd rather run my own world than face your reality."
- Seeya - DEADMAU5

🎄

Come back summer...
​

Oh, the holidays and what mixed feelings they bring.

I'll be stretched thin with traveling and mingling with people I rather avoid, but I'll stomach my bitterness. I'll play nice, but I'll be silently screaming and wishing that I could hide away in a hole. I'm sure there will be drama, there always is, and knowing it is coming makes the passing days stressful.

I'll be happy when it is over.​

Don't get me wrong, I love holidays, but I wish I could be spending it with different people.

Also, I will say, at least out here, it hasn't felt much like the holidays. I have hardly heard Christmas music, the weather has been oddly warm, and I've been so wrapped up in getting ready to go fully back to work. I don't even have a bit of Christmas spirit in me.

Anyway, this section is a bit of an update/warning. I will be still around, yet busy for the holidays. I might be a bit spotty until they are over, also until I finally adjust to work, which goes in full swing in early January. I'm sure I'll be okay, but I may be moody and distant until I get a better grasp of things.

Luckily, if I fall, I always get back up.

Always.​

🎭 System Update: 1/12

We are all hiding something, aren't we?
​

C O D E :
> Fake it until you make it.
> Project positivity at all times possible.
> Passion and effort must go into all work.
> Disregard those who are blind and/or ignorant.
> Don't expect anyone to interpret or see beyond. FAILED
> Empathize with all deserving, expect little to none back.
> Depend only on self.
> Limited to no connections. WARNING
> Kill them with kindness, even if they deserve bitterness. WARNING
> Dark thoughts = lips sealed.
> Ignore the screams; there isn't any reasoning with them.
> Weakness must be seldom. FAILED
> Disconnect from the past and certain aspects of the present. WARNING
> Project & reflect to find a perfection. WARNING
> Don't tell others about feelings beyond the surface.
> Turn brick walls into iron. WARNING
> Leave truth in art & daydreams.
> Unplug before potential system override(s). FAILED
> If they try to break the mask or walls, burn them down. WARNING

​

B A C K U P - C O D E :
> ANALYZE.
> DELETE.
> RECONSTRUCT.

​

 

[Passion]

[Rambling - VENT]​

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
LREEFFTLMEECATLIOONNE

So now you all want to come out and play?!

​

As the year nears its end, I guess it is the month of reflection for most. Apparently, some have been reflecting on me, and it has brought a wave of chaos my way. It has left me scattered, emotional, and overall conflicted these last few weeks over it. Many I haven't talked to in too long have come out of the shadows to face me once more. Some bring apologizes, hate, or others, I'm left lost due to unspoken words. I feel the need to express myself about it, but no one is going to want to hear my shit nor would they understand without context, so I decided to put it in my journal.

​

Disclaimer: Just to be clear, all that are abstractly mentioned are not members.

🕑 - It has been too long

I've died and been reborn.
A few times...

After this many years,
I'm still a thought in your mind?
What a shame.
You need to erase me immediately.
After all this time,
the girl you once knew is long dead.
She died by the hands of this cruel world,
and I finished the job.
We are strangers again,
and trust me,
you won't like this me.

☁️ - You can't see behind the clouds

You aren't capable, darling.
But not many are...

After all this time,
you still try to view and understand me with an open mind.
There is almost no better way to get on my good side.
You follow me along my twisted paths,
peek down the cliff edges I dive off of, and
you try to grasp at what is hidden away when you get a glimpse.
But tell me, darling, if you grasp it...
then what?
Can't you see?
I'm doing you a favor.
We both know you can't tame, comprehend, or endure it.
Stop trying to play with my fire,
or it will eat your heart whole.
Do you really think that you can prove me wrong?

🔪 - Haters

Still can't get my name
out of your mouth, huh?

So, this is still going on, yet I was unaware?
How many years has it been since I even crossed paths with you in the slightest?
Little birdies like to sing to me,
they told me that you and your best friend are still running your mouths.
I haven't even spoke either of yours names beyond,
"They don't like me, and I don't fully understand why."
I haven't been anywhere near you, but clearly, you are still fixated on me.
Does my mere passive existence really have that much weight on you?
You know...
I talked to your boyfriend.
Does that intimidate you?
It shouldn't, since all I wanted was some answers.
I asked him why, after all this time, do you hate me so?
He told me he didn't know, he didn't understand it himself,
and he even told me he found the whole thing ridiculous.
He even knows I haven't done anything bad to you.
But he did give me some insight,
I know how to pry.
He told me all about your extreme jealousy regarding me that still exists,
that it has deeply twisted your perception about me.
He also told me how you would love to actually kill me over it.
Move on and get a life,
you sick bitch.

🖤 - Tempting poison

I should know better,
you are so toxic.

Look who came crawling back.
Finally see that no one can match the fever I gave you?
Such a shame that you handled it all like a child at the end.
I should hate you with a burning passion,
yet, I find being near you testing my impulse control.
You could give me a taste of what I so desperately crave.
I want to stupidly forgive for my fix.
I have to chant to myself,
"Don't be stupid. Don't be stupid. DON'T!"
I know you are waiting to see if I cave.
This shouldn't even be an inner war.
You are a toxic, selfish, and cold man.
You don't deserve a second of my time,
but I miss the high...
Someone, slap me.

💔

I see you.
You are making ripples.

CODE RED: DANGER!

Oh god,
I don't know what to think...
You are my weakness.

​

I think it is fair to say I need some new people in my life...

 

[Passion]

[Vent - Whirlwind]​

I'm not totally okay right now.
I can't get my head on straight.
I'm still floating,
but I fear for how long I can keep it up.

In the end,
I'll be okay.
I always am,
but this batch of storms is leaving me winded.

This is nothing more than a messy expression/vent of the last few weeks:​

Stressors

> I've been thrown a few abruptly bad work scenarios which are my problem, because it is my office. I don't see many solutions to these problems. Workers keep calling me with rants until they are probably blue in the face and district is looking for explanations for something else, all while I'm forced to work from home trying to figure it all out. I am only one woman who can't produce miracles on demand. Region also may have eyes on my office for next week while I'm not ready for a visit since I've been out of the office due to COVID. I am also realizing more and more I am not paid enough for all the effort and passion I put into my work. I also will be working like 6 days a week some weeks due to staffing issues, and my direct boss has NOT been very helpful when she is supposed to give me information and resources, and the lack of doing so is putting me behind. Instead, she will call me about personal matters or me tell her what we should be focused on. I've even got to play therapist on the phone a handful of times the last week or two for her. WTF.

> I've kinda reconnected with someone I've been dreaming of for years, but I might have ruined it/there was a change of heart. Maybe not. I can't help but overthink when this person is involved, but I feel like I'm on thin ice when it was once solid. I fear being left in the dark again. I want it too bad. I need to express so much. I guess I will keep waiting... Don't I deserve more...?

> Have a not too fun doctor appointment next week. Not critical, but important.

> I'm tempted to do something reckless to shake up my dreary life to a high degree; I'm flirting with the idea. Logic tells me that I'm a dumb bitch for even considering, but what else am I supposed to do? I'm reminded of how lost I am. At times, I'm not even sure what is right or wrong to do/focus on.

> Still dealing with side effects from COVID, as well as it killing my paycheck and one of my escapes, which is dance.

> Want to buy concert tickets really bad, but they turned out to cost more than I thought. Still hoping to figure it out. Would also be hard to get off of work to go.

> I'm not sure who I can really turn to. I feel pretty alone in this whirlwind. I need a strong face at work and home, and I'm catching myself cracking. I don't think anyone would understand anyway. I know I'm bottling up too much, and that often turns ugly.

> The screaming is back echoing in my head. I feel myself starting to s l i p ... but I'm hanging on, yet fragmenting.

> Nights of insomnia are returning. After having a very bad period of insomnia a few years ago, this always raises an alarm to me.

I don't know what to think at this point.
I have things to do,
but I already have so much on my mind.
It makes me feel like I'm doing plenty,
yet I sit here,
I feel like the whole world around me is moving at an amazing speed around me,
while I'm just...
Still.​

 

[Passion]

[Tarot]​

Tarot I

Context - 👁️

I've been using tarot cards for a number of years, but I tend to only use them when I'm feeling rather lost. I should use them more to expand my knowledge and deepen memorization, but for now, I thought it would be helpful and maybe fun to add it here. It will also help me look even deeper into readings, because I'll spend even more time with the cards as I write about them!

I'm decent at reading cards using various spreads, but I'll keep it simple and to the point here. Honestly, tarot cards aren't too hard to read. The hard part is applying themes, spotting relationships between cards, finding the real world connection, and keeping an open yet critical mind when reading.

I will say, if anyone out there also knows how to read tarot cards and wants to step in with their own interpretation, feel free to leave a comment or PM me. While I'm no master, that goes also if you are someone interested and you want some tips from me, feel free to reach out. I'm always open to more insight.

So, is it magic? 🔮

I look at tarot cards as a meditation tool with a little twist. All the cards have layered meanings, and even abstract meanings at times based on the reading. It often makes one look at their life and situations from a different or a new angle. It sounds silly, but sometimes thinking just a bit differently about life/a problem can come with a lot of helpful realizations. With those realizations, one could create new goals, feel more confident about decision-making (based on inspired thinking, but not bluntly 'listening to cards'), and so on.

HOWEVER, tarot cards can still be kinda magical or creepy even when you have the mindset of them just being a tool. Many readers will tell you this. In a standard deck, there are 78 cards, and some of them fall in line too perfectly.

Here is an easy to explain experience I had: When I first got a deck and was learning the 101, I teasingly drew my cat a card to see what 'epic' card he would get. I had the plan of making some kind of joke about it, and instead, I got the card Strength. Which has a lion... THE ONLY CARD WITH A CAT OUT OF 78! Haha, so, that is a silly and light example, and coincidences are a thing, but cards often fall in line questionably well.

My Deck

Sorry that my photos aren't the clearest for my spread.
For reference, I use a Rider-Waite deck called Mystic Dreamer.

1/15/2022 - 3 Card Spread - One Attempt

Card 1 = Self | Card 2 = Problem | Card 3 = Solution

First reaction: This is so terribly perfect as usual.

┎┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┒
Self
In the self position, this means "where I'm at" and "Where I stand" in relation to my problem and the solution.

10 OF CUPS - REVERSED
Cups = Emotions/Heart
> Unhappy Home | Conflict | Relationship or/and Family Problems | Abuse | Disconnection | Despair <

Immediate reaction: fml, but... of course.

REVERSED, this is a terrible card in almost any spread, but oh so fitting.
The card meanings speak for themselves.
┖┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┚

┎┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┒
Problem
The problem I requested help with, the problem that the cards see I have.

THE STAR - REVERSED
(Major Arcana = Very Important)
Element = Air; spirituality.
> Hopelessness | Despair | Lack of Self Trust | Disconnection/Lost | Overwhelmed | Lost Faith <

Immediate Reaction: ... Do you need to hit the nail on the head so hard?

REVERSED, this is another card you don't want to be seeing popped up.
Major Arcana cards are critical to life events, so it coming up under problem is far from comforting.
If my problem card is a major arcana card, that means my problem is very deep and ingrained.

The Star in reverse is often first looked at as a sign of hopelessness.
It can mean that one has lost their self, an aspect of their life, or their way.
It could mean that there was some kind of interruption, despair, or lack of confidence getting in the way.
This card is also can relate to anxiety.
┖┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┚

┎┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┒
Solution
How can self fix the problem.

THE HIGH PRIESTESS
Element = Water; emotions
> Intuition | Femininity | Subconscious | Spirituality | Mystery <

Immediate Reaction: I'm so tired of soul searching. Looks like I have more to do. Will it ever end...?

The high priestess can have many meanings, but I will relate it towards the reading.
When this card comes up, that means one should listen very closely to intuitions.
There is something beyond logic and the physical world to be found.
┖┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┚

•·················Connecting the Dots·················•

Nonpersonal:
One is facing personal issues to the point it is strongly tied to self.
Overall, emotions run high, especially since 2/3 cards are water.
Reversed 10 OF CUPS relates to a lack of happiness, fulfillment, and emotional security in one's personal life and relationships.
This card signals great unhappiness.
The card is usually tied to a family member, romantic partner, or a close friend.
This can be single person or a group.

With the problem being related to THE STAR reversed,
It means that self has enough dismay to cause one to feel lost or disconnected from spirituality (Air) /life (aka, the star/problem).
Unable to find the right path,
THE STAR, when reversed, traditionally relates to hopelessness as well as the stress that goes along with it.
It is important to start trusting self again, as that leads to the solution.
THE HIGH PRIESTRESS.

It is time for soul searching,
listening to the deep parts of one's mind and soul to find the solution,
as THE HIGH PRIESTRESS is a sign that there are answers currently sought are within us.
There are mysteries still to uncover.
This card also relates to female spiritual energy.
A sign to tap into more feminine intuition.

Personal Comments:
Okay, cards, thank you for telling me stuff I already know/been doing.
According to the cards, I guess I'm not done getting lost in my mind and soul for answers.
Lovely...

I did another draw for each card for even more insight,
but this journal is already pretty long for me to write another three.
I took a picture, so maybe I'll update this journal at a later date,
but the first 3 draw is the most important anyway.
To think I was going to write out a Celtic-cross spread, lol.​

 

[AMurderOfCrows]

You have exquisite taste.

 

[Passion]

You have exquisite taste.

Thanks!
I should start working on my monthly entry.

 

[Passion]

January Thoughts

I didn't ask to play this game.
(Warning: Not a good month)

🌪️ - Clouded & Winded

Everything, including my thoughts are moving too fast for me to keep up.
​

This month has been scary for me. I mean, I've handled a lot worse, and this is not defeat, but I got hints of my dark past.

A lot has been going on this month, and I've been struggling to find my ground. My head is still above water, but I felt personal demons that I have not seen in some time trying to drag me down. They tell me it is all pointless to try this hard. They tell me that I already lost everything worthwhile, and there is no hope that things will improve, or I'll never be able to escape the ones who clipped my wings. They tell me only more hardship, loneliness, and disappointment is in my path ahead. This life is nothing short of maddening.

Do not worry, reader. I have the gifts of self-awareness and the long-term mental endurance of a fighter and survivor. While such thoughts don't make any of this easier, I know they are not fated.

I'll find my confidence again, and then be thrown right back down by life. Everything around me is still a whirlwind. I mentioned this in a journal not too long ago, but there is no better way to explain it. My personal, work, and inner life are unstable while I mentally float around to where I need to go.

Even though I'm dazed and confused, I'm keeping it together with strings and glue in this blurring reality. At least I'm keeping it together.

It is disheartening that I'm unable to tell where my mind and heart needs to be. Currently, it is thrown based on the situation that pops up. I'm constantly molding myself all sorts of ways, now at a much rapid pace, to fill expectations and to be able handle what I need to, but the real me is overloaded. I'm lost in all the moving parts.

I'm losing foresight. I find myself craving some form of security or bliss to forget it all since all I see and know is chaos. I have almost nothing or no one to fall back on even for a smile; me vs the world. I can do it, I will do it, but sometimes it gets so frustrating. An inner part of me is begging for some kind of peace, guidance, or at least somewhere that I feel safe for even a moment. I cannot find it in myself right now. Within me, I only see gray and/or fires. In reality, I'm in a state of constant angst, unable to focus while in wait for the next alarm to go off in my life.

May next month bring clarity. ​

​

💔 - Reopening Wounds

You pull me in then push away.
You chase my heart, then hit the brakes.
♬
────────────────────
I don't know why he came back around.
At this point,
it appears just for an impulsive and selfish intent.
As suddenly as he disappeared, he reappeared,
but the past repeated itself.
So silly of me to think that maybe this time it would be...
different.
That he would see and feel with me once more.
I dream of getting a taste of how it used to be,
and yet he placed me back in the limbo
to wait endlessly.
Why can't he even
whisper?
Not even out of
common courtesy?!
Am I that low of a priority?
Apparently...

┍───────────────────┑
The
S i l e n c e
is so
l o u d
┕───────────────────┙

I was at his mercy again.
He came my way,
I lost control.
High as a kite off of a single sentence.
My world was shaking.
The power he has over me brings fear,
but pulls me right in.

I was secretly sickened to find out how easily
I could still fall into the palm of his hand.
He won't utilize it properly anymore,
and it makes me want to rage.

Waiting again for another breath my direction,
I waited and waited...
and...
that still hasn't come.
He started a fire and left me to burn.

I caught myself waiting for the same soul again.
One that could leave me trapped in a hellish limbo once more.
Here, a day feels like a month...

I once again am cut by leftover fragments
from the first time
he broke my heart.

That whisper still might come,
but patterns are rather telling.

🡪 There is a thin line between love and hate, darling. 🡨

I can't stay here.
I will free myself.
Somehow...

You won't look into my eyes, so I will fix my gaze elsewhere.

Another will embrace the height of my passion.
Another will paint a masterpiece with the colors of my soul.
He is no longer the same person.
Blind and ignorant,
thus a waste of my time.

​

​

 

[Passion]

February Thoughts

Intense.
How will I burn?

🖤🧁

Bittersweet: how many, including myself, would describe me.​

You see, I used to be almost all sweet, but the world has twisted me bitter. I don't mind it to some level, but when it starts to interfere with social interactions, I don't love it, and I know it's a time to stop and reflect. I have seen a lot of this duality at work.

I'm a very compassionate person towards those who work at my office. I go out of my way to try to do things to make them feel appreciated, and many feel comfortable talking to me. Plenty have said many warm words about me for my dedication and care. I'm often praised for how much I carry and support. However, I'm still a boss and at times, things aren't perfect and clashes do happen.

While this is normal for some disagreements to take place, I'm snapping a bit too hard and quickly. Suddenly bitter, my tone goes loud and my tongue sharp. I see myself, almost out of body, losing control, and I can't stop myself. Luckily, It isn't like I'm cursing anyone out, but general anger is strong. Too strong.

Keep control.​

I knew something wasn't right the other day. I had a worker do something I bluntly told them not to do. Irritated, I approached them and questioned them on the action. They defended their action by blaming me. Without going into the details, trust me when I say this was not my fault; it was poor projection. For me to get blamed for their bad action, my anger spiked. I did not yell, but I found myself unable to breathe. I was winded, half my statements became whispers. My body was trembling, and I caught my blunt physical reactions during what was turning into a bickering match. I didn't have the impulse to swear or attack, but it was like I was so enraged I almost fainted. I just so badly wanted them to see my side and apologize. I hate when I don't feel heard.

It happened again to some degree. There is a very important task that needed to be done, and I had someone doing everything they could to avoid it, willing to take a "miss". I was upset by the willingness to disregard the task, so I approached to reinstate the importance. I got a few statements about how the task was "stupid" and so it wouldn't be done. I was going to make sure it was done, and when I snapped back, my voice was much louder than I planned. Once again, I saw myself out of body yelling. This time, I wasn't breathless. I sounded like a bitch even though I was in the right of seeing that the task was done and to not allow such disregard. I still shouldn't be raising my voice, but I was so pissed!

I believe I could manage this anger better. People see me as sweet, but if you cross me, I snap, and I'm a bitter fire. I'm trying to figure out how to not let things get under my skin so much or/and to stop myself once I cross a line, but that is easier said than done. It is like I don't see the edge, and I'm suddenly falling and can't stop. I also hate the idea of self-suppression as well. I can't keep going 0 to 100.

Other than being an emotionally driven woman, I'm sure it is just the stress. I also am probably taking things a bit too personally, but I can't help but feel disrespected. They are kind and respectful most of the time, and I think that is part of the reason why I'm extra bitter when they disappoint me.

I usually keep myself under pretty strict control, so it is kinda scary seeing myself slip, but I'm only human, aren't I?

👁️❓

Where are you?

This should be the least of my worries; it always gets me in trouble, yet I found myself craving a fixation again.
I feel like something is missing without it.

Not only that, but what comfort it brings me to get lost in it all.

Oh, where has my desire gone?

Where is that surrealism and endless passion that I know?

Where are those pleasant thoughts I fall asleep to?

Where is the center of my warped world?​

💋 - NSFW Dump

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