Confessional

[Notte]

I'm tired of the fear and the constant worry that I carry around with me. I wish that I had the ability to simply stop and calm all doubt from my mind.

 

[Trazz]

I wish I was a little bit taller.
I wish I was a baller.
I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her.
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat
And a '64 Impala.

 

[H a r r i e t]

And a '64 Impala.

Mhmmm ;D
Get me summa that!

 

[Mr Master]

I confess I am a terrible person. Not only do I ignore large swaths of my real life, things I have legal and moral responsibility to tend to, all in favor of a woman I met on the internet, I also entertain thoughts of chucking it all and pursuing her, though that would make me the lowest of the low, the kind of person I would have utterly despised a year ago.

I confess I crave her love and desire, even though we're doomed, the relationship is doomed, and I know this, and yet I can't let go and can't stop wanting it. I'm not crying in the night anymore, but perhaps I ought to be, and if I were a better person, I would be.

I confess I get jealous with every little flirtation she does in a public post. Not much, just a flash, even though I know it's just flirty and I do the exact same damn thing. And I shouldn't even have a claim on her, but I want it, and thus: jealousy.

I confess that I'm despairing because I think she might be over me. Minimal communication, and that restrained, and frequently about other people, no advance on the RP even though she claimed deep interest. We met in part because she was upset someone was just looking at her as a collection of kinks, and now, some time later, I'm finding myself losing her respect and her communication because I'm not always hard like I can be in the fantasy realm, because I tell her how I feel about her, so I'm finding myself in the place she was in, and I have no idea what to do with that. Was a time I would have hoped she'd read this, and was a time she would have. Now I'm just trying to get all this out of my head, and I just finished checking the thread to be sure she hasn't posted, so she wouldn't be automatically notified when this came up.

I confess that I may have to resign myself to never experiencing any of the things that form the major basis of my sexual arousal. I may have to live a monk-like life, utterly vanilla and straight-laced, always vaguely dissatisfied with what I never got to try, for decades, until I die. And having typed that, I don't think I can confess any more right now.

 

[Mr Master]

I correct myself: I confess I'm growing more and more regretful that I clicked the "Submit" button on the above.

I also confess that, given my proclivities, I have a giggle every time I think of it as the "SUBMIT!!!" button...

 

[Trygon]

MM - The easy path is rarely the right one. Which one are you following?

 

[Mr Master]

MM - The easy path is rarely the right one. Which one are you following?

Good question. Define "easy" in this context? Lifelong deprivation of what I consider to truly be me, or becoming something I would normally despise? Self-abnegation, or self-loathing?

Which is easier?

 

[Trygon]

MM - The easy path is rarely the right one. Which one are you following?

Good question. Define "easy" in this context? Lifelong deprivation of what I consider to truly be me, or becoming something I would normally despise? Self-abnegation, or self-loathing?

Which is easier?

Find a middle ground. That's why there's fetish clubs all over, so you can let it out for a night, then put it away for the rest of the time.

 

[Mr Master]

MM - The easy path is rarely the right one. Which one are you following?

Good question. Define "easy" in this context? Lifelong deprivation of what I consider to truly be me, or becoming something I would normally despise? Self-abnegation, or self-loathing?

Which is easier?

Find a middle ground. That's why there's fetish clubs all over, so you can let it out for a night, then put it away for the rest of the time.

Kinda not getting into the depth of the issue, here. Nor the kind of issues of trust and permissions that would be involved (and which can't be built, really, in a single night).

But that's fine. I appreciate your attempt to assist, but largely that was to get it all out of my skull. This confessional thread, combined with the anonymity of the internet, is seductively addictive.

The problem, as always, is my own.

 

[Mr Master]

And there we go. Problem resolved, and not by me.

I confess I don't understand people sometimes. I am, I like to think, fairly integrated. I know what I feel, and I know my own capabilities. In the instant case, it's about acting Dom. I have Dom in me; I have a fucking scary-ass Dom that I'm actually rather afraid to let loose entirely. I'm also as normal a human being as anyone, with feelings and loves. It's not all hard, it's not all cool and cruel. I'm a warm person, I just have this capability to be cold. And I have never had the opportunity to really explore that. And I craved to. I ached to.

Beyond my desire to explore, I'm generally comfortable with my mix. I know who I am, more or less, and I'm at home in my skin. I was just told that admitting my emotional side was doing damage to my image as a Dom. What image? I'm just me. If my emotions run, no matter how they run, I still have the Dom in me, because... because it's just me. I'm not putting on an image to anyone. Image is bravado, image is lies. Image is pride that is based on appearance, whether physical or emotional. I don't need image, I've got it internalized, I can let it out anytime I want, if someone would have it. If you look at me, the real me, not an RP character, you get all sides of the package. They reinforce each other; I couldn't have either without the other. Feelings are a strength, in the real D/s world. Love and trust are what you want. But I admit, they don't make for as hot a fantasy, at times.

I confess I get intensely annoyed when someone says I'm not a "real" Dom. I'm not lifestyle, I know that. My interests range too widely to focus that deeply. But is that the only criteria? It pisses me off, frankly. And it particularly hurts when it's someone I'd come to trust. And to love, which I think invariably flows with trust. Coming from someone you trust, someone you think is trying to know you as much as you're trying to know them, that feels like a stab in the back. It just shows they don't really know you.

I...

I confess I fell as much for sexuality as for personality. Personality is great, it's wonderful, but every human being is wonderful if you get down to knowing them well. What pushes, for me, from lovely friend into desired lover is the sexuality. And I've never met anyone as compatible. If I can believe it all (and I had no reason to doubt at the time I was told), she's my sexual-affinity dream girl. Bar none. Together on all the biggest points, with enough variation with each other around the edges that we could continue to learn from each other a while. God. I even thought she was gorgeous, even in photos of herself she hated. Sex was a big component in the attraction and the love that followed.

I confess that's probably not a good thing, all told. I tell myself that sexuality is a big part of a person, and in fact, I do myself consider my sexuality to be a major component in my existence. Which is why the loss of this, when it sinks in, will be crushing. And then when the futility of the remainder of my life sets in place, it'll shatter the remains. But still, is it good that the love I felt was based in large part on sex? The remainder of the package that is her is definitely lovable in its own right, but it was the sex that propelled it. That seems shallow to me, and I don't like it when I seem shallow. There were times I was willing to give up the sex, but that was well after the trust (and therefore love) had been established, so if the foundation of that trust/love was in part sexual compatibility, does that invalidate it later? I don't know.

I confess I still want her. I confess I'd be with her again in a heartbeat. I confess I'll always want to be her friend, if she'll bother to talk to me. I also confess that I'm not sure she will. Not everyone can be like me about their... I was about to say "exes," but she'd be the first to say we didn't really have anything. Not anything real. Just words.

Real enough.

<sigh>.

I confess I've never felt more Emo than I do right now. It's odd, pushing 40, to feel like you did when your first fiancee utterly dumped you... not to your face, but to your best friend, over the phone, and that was nearly 20 years ago. I don't know that we get wiser with age, we just get more experienced, and perhaps more cynical. More hopeless. I've often said, and recently, that where there's life there's hope, but frankly, I confess, I'm starting to doubt my own rhetoric.

And I confess, gentle readers, that merely writing this stuff down in a journal simply would not have had the same effect. Therefore, his excoriation of the soul is dedicated to anyone who finds it amusing, or educational, or weirdly interesting. I'd settle for well-written.

 

[Mr Master]

Simply to sum up: there are realizations that come with time, and even a night's rest can be sufficient. It doesn't always make things better, but it does change perspective, and for positive or negative, that's valuable.

She said the safeword on the relationship. Whether or not I agree with her reasons, whether or not I think she's pushing me away or fooling herself or whatever excuses we always make for why we are rejected, it doesn't matter. It's her call. And I have to respect that. Again, that's part and parcel of who I am. Whatever else this experience has taught me, keeping true to my basic nature (for as long as I can remember that nature) is something I have to take from it. So I have to respect the safeword, and let her go. Now I don't know what will happen.

I can't change being me. I've pared myself down to the elements I'm comfortable with. I can put up facades, I can choose not to reveal parts of myself, but why would someone who cares about you want you to lie? I still have bad habits, still have things I ought to improve, to be less rude, more productive, a better person. But those aren't personality changes; my personality is set, and has been for decades. It just seems like I'm going to have to put part of it to sleep, is all, or go crazy. But that's long term, and this is about immediate consequences and what perspective can be gained in a night.

And the sum of it is, I'm going to be all right. Not without a slow bounce back, not without grief, and I'll never be unscarred, but I'll be all right.

I've also found this thread to be curiously addictive. Being honest in public, even insulated by the anonymity of the internets, is something intoxicating and addicting; I now finally understand why people bother with LiveJournal. I'm going to have to fight indulging again, though. Ought to be easier once I become comfortably numb (to crib Floyd lyrics as is not uncommon with my generation). But except for the occasional snark, I hope I bid you all a fond adieu.