I confess... Oh, how I confess!
Stupid, stupid, getting involved... only leads, COULD only lead to sorrow, yet I'm somehow surprised when we arrive at that destination? No, not surprised. Only surprised by the speed. But even with foreknowledge, even with everything else that should have hardened my heart, steeled my emotions... still I'm hollow. I'm old enough to know it's transitory, pain fades, people move on. But I wanted to be that one, the one that helps rather than hurts, the one that she can use as proof to herself that she's worthy of being loved (though it breaks my heart that people even need that, but some people do, and fuck the stupid evil world for making that true in the first place). Stupid, stupid! Now I'm lost. A grown man crying at a laptop in the middle of the night. It's not a fault thing; she's crying too, in the other half of the nation, possibly sobbing worse than me, because I'm the one that was limited, restricted, she could have done anything, could have followed anywhere. It was my stupidity that hurt her, ultimately. More guilt to layer on top of all the rest. The awfulest icing on a horrible cake. Tightness in my chest that can't be assuaged, because it's all mine, all mine.
I confess I'm stupid/reckless/depressed/maudlin enough to want to post this on a forum and leave it up. So people see it; so what? Maybe then they'll know why I'm taking a little break, slacking off my attendance here.