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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

thanks. Last night was really awkward though. I saw V -someone I haven't seen for a year who I slept with at one point- and he complimented me as soon as he saw me. Also, Eric is just confusing and I hate it. I really loathe how I feel around him sometimes because I know he won't date me unless he settles the fuck down and sees me as a potential partner beyond just sex. And my friend nick gives me wishy-washy feelings. Like I could like him but at the same time he seems like a bit of a schmuck. It's really just confusing. It's like....with Eric, I fight him but at the same time I have the awful feeling of wanting to submit to him and I would break down if he ever really used that against me so it's hard coping with my feelings because it's never been like this before. =/
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Some days I feel beautiful.

Some days I feel pretty.

And some days I just feel like a freak.

The latter are felt more often than not, that because I choose to use my body to express myself that others find it too much or more like people think I'm looking for trouble or something like that. I feel like some people message me on OKC because I'm a 'goth/freak' fantasy or something. Like the type of person they'd want to 'taste the wild side' with but toss after it's out of their system.

But I know I'm not a freak. I'm not. I'm pretty normal [usually] at least in my manner. I'm polite, smile, hold doors open for people, etc, etc. I just happen to look like a tough ass who'll fuck your shit up. Or maybe a gothic minx. I dunno. I have really no idea what I look like to others most of the time. It's probably part of the reason I do different things. I like being different, at least with my clothes and hair. I like doing weird/crazy things with it. I'm a flower [though I'm more like a shrub. Ah. Ah. Ah.] and my hair becomes my petals. I like to change them and grow them or trim them to suit my needs and style and no one else. I'm an evolving flower with the ability to be anything I want but I do one thing the best: Be myself.

So despite all the emotions I feel that I'm just a thing to stare at, I'm beautiful. At least, I feel that way today.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Even freaks are beautiful, Hahv. Remember that on the days you feel super freaky. ;)

And weed out those people on OKC. I'm sure you already know it, but they're likely not worth your time. My rule of thumb is to avoid the ones that comment physical appearance first. I relate them to being only superficial, shallow. From what I gather, you've got a good soul and heart, and you've got depth. It's not likely that women will ever step out of the male gaze (or female gaze, depending), but you're right. You're a flower, a rare one.

Take your time finding someone genuine to cherish you and everything that defines who you are. Avoid the trash that might get you confused with their own heap. Genuine people are hard to come by, but they're the best people out there. That mindset to be yourself is one you should hang on to. Because if you're not yourself, you don't know what you want. You don't know your standards, which may lower for the wrong person at your expense.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Disabled my OKC account. It's not deleted but it is turned off as it were. I've just grown tired of messages from people who can't spell to save their life, assume what they will about me, and that I just haven't felt any connections to anyone. Maybe I'm just too unfixable right now to even try for a relationship despite my real desire to have one with someone worthwhile.

I'm really just lost right now and well, I gotta figure my shit out. There are too many what ifs that make me crazy with emotion and I just need to get rid of that.

There is only me. Just me. And sometimes, it's a lonely place.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

If it's any consolation, it doesn't have to be just you. I rather like you, and am immune to personality shifts. I will happily help with any problems you might have, as much as I am able.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Thanks, hon. I appreciate it.

So found out today that Ziggy is onset diabetic so I have to start him on insulin soon and a new diet. I was really upset yesterday because the vet was extremely blase about how he could have kidney failure or cancer. Thanks, doc. Also, when she called today, she was a few steps from flat out accusing me of giving diabetes to my cat. I told her twice, no three times yesterday, that the only noticeable change in my cat's behavior/body was his weight loss. Nothing else has changed except for him being slightly more vocal, which he always is when I come home and he's either hungry or wanting attention.

But it's treatable and if I do everything right, he could go into remission within 2 months or less.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I really don't know why, honestly. XD

And to jerk my own horn, repeatedly.

http://jibrilrayvinwrighterr.tumblr.com/ This is my writing blog so I'm going to try to post short stories and poetry on here.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

How do I only have a follower on my writing blog?

Dammit, guys. ;_;

Jk.

Things have been improving slowly but I'm still lonely as fuck. I try not to think about it as often and well, shit happens. Just trying to do well by me as I say pretty much every day. I've been laying in bed a lot and I know I just don't have the energy or the desire to really do much but I don't exactly feel depressed. Probably from a lack of vitamins and well...plans. The ability to skip class is a terrible thing for me because more often than not, I will skip class. If I can do something else, I do it...like nap. <_< Or dote on my kitty. >_> Or be a lazy individual.

I plan on working out again because I need it and maybe it will motivate me to be more proactive.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So last night was a three steps back kind of night.

I normally don't talk about all the shit that bothers me but today is one of those days.

I cried myself to sleep last night and not just the silent tears I usually only allow myself to have but I had to press my face to my pillow to keep myself quiet so I didn't wake up my roommate with the wracking sobs that shattered my heart. I can deal with being lonely most of the time. I can, I'm used to it. I was a loner for a long time because it was better than hoping that whoever I made friends with was being genuine or not and finding out it was usually the latter. Eventually, you just start assuming you'll be alone and have to suck it up and deal.

"It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved all."

I'm always at odds with that sentence. I'm at war with it. I pine for something that I used to have, long for it, and crave it like a part of my soul has gone missing in the middle of the night while I slept. It's like a phantom limb. Yet when I didn't think of what others had, I didn't really feel like I needed it. I didn't feel like I needed anyone. I got by just fine on my own and never really wanted for anything because I had never experienced it anyways.

But I grew up. I couldn't stay in my bubble forever.

Part of me wishes to go back to that indifferent girl. To be able to be so separate from others without fear of being alone and instead of being more afraid of falling in love than being without it because it was emotionally safer.

And now? I don't know. The emotions well up so much faster than they used to. Or maybe I just got so sick of trying to hide how I feel from everyone. I don't know.

Hopefully the pain will stop. It has to..
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Well, lately I've been chatting up someone I know from fet [online only though]. Texting him helps because I know he's genuinely interested in me as a person and it's fun talking to him. It's easy, too. He helps in keeping some of the loneliness at bay even if it's only over text. [He lives in Arkansas so unless something happens, we won't be seeing each other but keep up the hope that a meet up could happen.]

So that's really been about it. He texts me every day or every other day depending on what's up and it's nice to just chat with him even if it's only brief. He makes me smile when I really need it.

Just been working on getting better and sometimes those late night texts are what I need to just feel okay and know that someone cares enough to try to make me feel better. This weekend should also help with that so I look forward to it.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Sometimes I feel like being myself is the worst thing I can be.

I can be incredibly raw with my words and my emotions and I know people can't always handle that kind of intensity. I feel like I scare people with it and it hurts. It really does.

I also always seem to fall for guys who are too far away for me to have real potential with. Like this one guy, D. I always get so smiley when he texts me and then I get glum when I feel like he's either ignoring my texts or too busy.

I'm a sap. And I hate being this way sometimes. I hate being so hopeful that it disappoints me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Monday was a crazy day.

I don't think much reality sinks in until it finally hits close to home.

I live in Salem. I got a bunch of texts from online friends asking if I was okay because I'm in Mass. Salem is 30 minutes away and I was in NH. I'm good.

I have a handful of friends that live around Boston so I checked with them because I know they frequent Boston. Luckily, they all had the day off.

Hearing grown men cry on the radio is the most heart-breaking thing, especially knowing that a man's son was killed and his wife and daughter are in the hospital.

My roommate had me sit with her while we watched the news because we tend to randomly go into Boston and sometimes, she goes to the Boston marathon, and we usually go once a year to a Bruins game.

It was almost surreal until all the photos started popping up all over the internet and people tried to be detectives.

Political and government agendas from people who don't even live in the state much less have a clue about what's going on need to get off the goddamn computer, go for a walk, and get a life.

Case closed. The police will handle this.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Today is an up-down day.

I feel exhausted, plain and simple and I've been feeling like crying for the past few hours but haven't, thankfully.

Things have been slowly improving and then just seem to fall apart. I don't really know. It's odd. I keep feeling like I should start working out again because I think all the time that I'm just starting to get comfortable with how I look but I want to improve my appearance for me.

Little steps.

First gonna change my hair color.
Work on complexion - I wear makeup because of my acne and am trying to get off that train of concealer/foundation.
Then start working out.

3 step process. Lol.

And then of course, I can go shopping for new clothes once I reach my goal weight.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I think for the first time I actually experienced seduction. Like, from a romance novel seduction.

I can't even really describe it, it just went through me and felt like fire in my veins, like venom seeping through my skin. It was addictive and I dreaded the night ending but the flow of time was ignored for passion and conversation.

I've written about Eric before and how he's probably not the best individual to be around but I'm attracted to him like a magnet. He just pulls me in and I know I draw his attention like gravity. It was interesting having him all to myself for once. Usually, I have to get his attention since he usually has a female friend with him, understandably so he doesn't want to ignore them. Still, it was interesting and felt almost like a hunt. That's the best way to describe it that whenever I left his sight and moved somewhere else, he'd track me down.

I'm addicted to his kisses but I know that the addiction can't move past sexual feelings. He'll say one thing and then say another and I have the feeling he's in "mid-life crisis" mode. He doesn't want a relationship but sometimes, the way he looks at me, it just makes me think otherwise - especially when he decides to be so sweet. Last night he was gentle and it just...got to me. He was a mixture of rough and gentle, sweet and mean. He's never really been that open and playful with me so I wonder if it was just because he didn't have to think about other people he was with until we had to leave. I dunno, for all I know, I'm just reading into things despite my perceptive abilities.

He likes to fight me and I think that's why I bend because I can fight back and get what I want without losing myself.

Tomorrow he says he wants to come over for play time...

We'll see how many rounds it takes to get him out of my system.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I love when foreplay is so good sex is an afterthought.

The sex part wasn't super great or anything but damn, I love my marks. :3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So.

It's odd to realize that after Monday, the 6th, I will officially [more or less] no longer be a college student. It's odd when a chapter, a long and riddled chapter, finally comes to a close. I've been in school for my entire life, almost a full 20 years and so I find it so very odd to think...no more teacher, books, or homework to do. No more tests or quizzes, or assignments to write up. I've had an interested college career and wonder what it might have been like to have a college sweetheart. I never had one and now, I know I won't. It's a little unsettling but at the same time, I know myself far too well. College was more important.

So a new phase in my life will start soon and well, trying to have hope that eventually someone will join me in the pages of life written with every morning.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So I had my own taste of what it's like being admin through a group I run on fetlife.

One of my "mods" decided it was cool to go into the group and do a couple of minor edits without telling me. At first, because I hadn't seen them, I was like, okay, thanks.

Then I looked at them.

Some of them were fine and some of them weren't and I sent him a message saying, "Next time run your edits by me since I don't approve of some of your edits."

He pretty much flipped his shit at me.

He had also said in a previous exchange why hadn't I run any of the edits by him. I'm sorry, last time I checked, I owned the group and you asked to give your help. I don't have to run anything by you if I don't feel it is necessary.

I wrote him a message this morning somewhere along these lines:

I'm the admin and you're the mod. In this case, rulings and such have my final say. In this, we aren't equals because I own/run the group and you volunteered your help and overstepped by not running anything by me first.

I know you are a good guy but I can tell your help is conditional. I'm giving you one more shot.

And I added in a few more things to hopefully get my point across without losing a friend.

He said he would remove himself from the group since he "doesn't have any value" and "doesn't need the drama." And that we should, "Make a truce."

He also intends to be a "social acquaintance." And I'm just too exhausted from his drama to even bother responding to him at this time.


Now, as everyone knows, I'm a mod here. When I'm in the wrong, I say all right, I fucked up. Sorry.

If I pulled half of what he did to MY admin, I'd be in some DEEP shit. And I explained that to him as well.

Personally, I think he feels slighted because I'm "in charge" and don't always take his advice, and run the group that was handed over to me by someone I was modding for before she disappeared. He offered to help me run the group as a group leader. I said okay because I figured it would be great to try to build a strong team to run the group. I didn't realize he felt that he should be given just as many of the rights as I had to the group.

Live and learn, I suppose.

I don't know, really. I'm just pissed and disappointed.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

*gives you LOTS OF HUGS*
I'm so sorry you had to go through this and see the uglier side of admin'ing anything. It honestly sucks, but it's also a part of the role sad to say. No matter what you do, there's always some sort of something that causes needless drama and headache. The key is not to let it get you down though, trust me, it is sooo easier said than done. I know that it gets to you and only time and practice in dealing with such instances allows you to eventually cope with the nonsense. And even then, it doesn't always allow you to truly shake the emotional side fully away. One would think that just because you run something behind a screen and never meet those who are either assisting what you are running or using the group/site/whatever it is you happen to run, that you'd be detached... but the truth of it is.... nope. You can try, but when someone tries to cut you down when you try hard and do the right thing... it stings badly. All I can say is to continue hanging in there and don't let one person such as this get you down. They aren't worth it in the long run. And, in the end, you will know you've done right by yourself and the group you are leading. That is what matters. Also, if you need to vent or need advice on this.... you know where I am. <33333
*more hugs*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So now he's decided to say, "Oh, I guess as the group 'owner' it was necessary to post that I was removed from my position."


...Kind of. I think it would be odd if people decided to message you thinking you were still a group leader when you aren't.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

*more hugs* Ugly sides of the role unfortunately are just there. It sucks. It does. It means dealing with A LOT of crap. More than most realize... and quite often on top of it. It's emotionally and mentally draining. People like this guy are attention and power seekers. They run rampant. You just have to sort of roll with it and realize that they'll do whatever they can to cut at you to get their way or be heard. So, if they know they cannot reach their ultimate goal, they will find alternate methods and typically will not stop--much like Terminators--until you find a way to alter their programming. Sometimes it can be hard to find that 'off' button and it's almost always annoying and disheartening to deal with the jabs and needling they dole out. I know it. Just keep your head up. Know that you've done the right thing. And just try your best to ignore him. It might come down to you having to block him and no longer looking at his messages if that is the only way you'll find the peace you need. If it is. No harm or shame in that. It might be the only way to alter the programming and hit his 'off' switch. It's sad when it comes to that, but sometimes we have to do that in these situations. *more hugs*
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

And now he's blocked me so I had to ban him from the group and then preceded to block him.


Mature, much? Ugh.

So done.
 
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