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Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I really get upset when I can't talk to specific people when I need/want to. It fucks with my mood. It's part of the reason why I try to keep myself distant from people. I don't want to connect or rely on you if I can avoid it. If I do, then it kind of sucks. Don't get me wrong, I care, but you know what? I don't like that kind of dependency. I'm used to taking care of myself and suddenly needing to talk to you or something bothers the shit out of me. Because I feel weak and needy and it's a wretched feeling.

A lot of times, I don't want to fucking listen to your problems cause they are the same ones you always have. I get it. This sucks or that sucks, enough. I'm tired of hearing it. I can only be empathetic/sympathetic for so long. I'm not gonna enable you to keep doing that bullshit over and over again. You wanna get out of that tailspin? Fucking fix it. End of story. Stop wallowing in self-pity. Grow up. Get a thicker skin. Whatever you need to do to make it better. I can't and won't do it for you.

I have confidence issues despite what people may think. I'm unbearably self-conscious but going to the gym makes me feel better. I'm not thinner or anything like that, but it makes me feel less like a fucking fatass. Some days I really feel lost and you know what? You never know when I have a major problem and sometimes you don't bother to ask. I have abandonment issues so I become cold when I feel like "you left me." It's a defense mechanism. You subconsciously hurt me and I'm trying to protect myself. I don't want to rely on someone who will just up and leave. Sorry, but I dealt with that too many times to count. You leave more than twice, you're gone. You're not a friend anymore.

You can call me heartless, you can call me a bitch, but guess what? At least I speak my goddamn mind. I have feelings, thank you. I have some pretty damn deep running emotions that I HAVE TO contain or I'll fucking go insane. I keep a tight lid on most of my emotions and yes, it can be a hindrance. But I'd rather be in control of my emotions than completely emotionless. I've been there before. It wasn't a good place.

I belong somewhere. I don't belong somewhere. I'm tired and needy and wanting someone to JUST FUCKING BE HERE. Just writing that out makes me feel like I'll cry. I hate being so fucking needy sometimes. I hate it. I hate that about myself. I DON"T. WANT. TO. have to rely on you in some way. And I know that saying that can hurt my friends' feelings. I'm sorry, but I don't want to have to be that way. I may love you, but relying on you makes it so much easier for you to hurt me. I've been hurt enough to have been ruined, but I managed to PULL MYSELF up without anyone's help. I'm not used to anyone's help. I'm not used to needing to talk to certain people every day because it somehow makes me feel better. I don't fucking understand it.

I'm not as put together or in control as everyone thinks. SOME THINGS do fucking affect me whether you are joking or not. I don't like being called names or accused of something I'm not. It's goddamn rude. I'm not a punching bag. I don't make you into one. But I can handle it because having a spine and a thick skin makes me able to roll with the punches. I've been called practically every name in the book and told by family some horrible things, but you know what? I don't need your goddamn pity or sympathy. Just know that I don't like certain things just like you don't like certain things. End of fucking story.

Maybe I'm just wind too tight or upset or whatever the hell, but sometimes I just need to vent and no one ever really gives me the space to do so. So here it is. My rant of venting. I want a hug, I want to cry, and I want my goddamn boyfriend to hold me just fucking once.

And now I have homework to get done.

And tears fall down like the pitter-patter of rain on glass.

I'll be fine. I fucking have to be.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I have to say that, in all my years, I've never met anyone that knows more about themselves than you do. You know your weaknesses, your emotions, and your strengths and you face them daily, overcoming them or riding the wave until the tide ends and you can stand strong again. That's an incredible thing to have, that awareness of self, and I just wanted you to know that. I think I know you decently well, which is kind of scary because we haven't known each other all that long in the grand scheme of things, and the person I know is definitely strong, forthright and most of all, HUMAN. Feeling weakness at times, or anger, or "needing" someone, it's all normal, it all makes you human. Being strong enough to stand on your own, to pull yourself up without help, is half the battle in life; the other half is knowing that you don't HAVE to do it alone. No one does. Being able to do it on your own AND being able to let others help you in some way....well, that's when the burdens of life begin to seem less hard in the long run.

I know I'm not in your close circle of friends that you "need" to talk too but as always, know that you can talk to me whenever you want/need to. That's what friendship is about, at least to me. Vent if you want to vent, tell me about your day, or just talk about life. It's all good to me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Taking a quick couple of minutes to write you and let you know I miss you dearly. The past week has been brutal and unfortunately this weekend will be full of work too. I hope to catch you at least a little bit to snuggle! I am so consistently blown away by your maturity and your ability to make everyone around you happy by just being there. It's ok to take a chance and depend on others, knowing that you can be vulnerable and dependent is scary, but sometimes the reward can be so great that it's all worth it. And if you find out someone can't be dependable then at least you can mark them off your list. I am also so proud of you for going to the gym. You know I'm kind of obsessive about my spinning and weights but the reason I am is that sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel better. Ok, back to work for me, I'm just a message away. Smile! You're beautiful inside and out!

Love you girl.

<3 Daisy <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

<3s to Daisy. I love you too, darling.

And Thank you, Corvus.

DTD--

I've explained this to someone before because he said the same thing about me as well because of how young I am to know myself as well as I do. I'm not kidding when I say I'm not used to relying on people. I used to have no friends for years, just people I occasionally hung out with if they bothered to ask what I was up to. But I learned not to get so attached to them because of how their lifestyles were. Good people, not so great personalities/families to be around. You don't really get attached to people who run in the "bad" crowd. They aren't good for you, anyways, even if they are sweet and nice. They make bad decisions for reasons you never want to be apart of.

For another, I had to learn to control my horrible emotional imbalances. That was hard to do because of my family. I couldn't voice certain things so I learned to better contain myself. I didn't like myself for a long time because of what I learned about myself. I didn't think it was good to be the way that I was - I was either overly emotional or emotionless. So I learned to find a good medium even if it was hard to maintain. It helped cool my anger issues later on in life - though that required more willpower than anything to contain.

So, years of solitude + forced fixing = no therapy/more family issues.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

I never thought you were kidding about that, Hahvy. You've shared a lot with me over the year that we've known each other, releasing a little bit at a time. You used the painful years of your youth to build a life for yourself that you could be proud of and to build a better you and no matter how shaky things seem at times, either stress wise or emotionally, never forget what you accomplished to get here and that nothing can take that accomplishment away from you. Sure, getting there left scars, scars that will be around for a while and that you will also fight against constantly, but looking in from the outside, I like what you became. Personally, I'm very proud of you for that. In the end though, perhaps changing the way you think of it would help you in that area more. Don't think of it as learning to rely on people; think of it as learning to understand that others can be there for you if you want that. It changes the focus a little, makes it a little easier to accept for some, and makes it seem less daunting. Maybe, with that slight change in focus, you'll learn to grow more comfortable with the idea, which over time will help you take that next step. Just an idea though.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

You are strong and wonderful, and you have so many people who are willing to help. I wish we could be there physically, as typing or talking on the phone isn't nearly the same as bringing you Chinese food and a fun/bad movie and letting you curl up against me or us. But you know we're there.

Your life has brought you out, made you strong in ways most people don't develop until later, if they ever do. It's also given you obstacles to overcome, to let people close to you, form connections, etc. But you do that anyway, you excel at it when you have the opportunity.

You can get past this troublesomeness as well. It's hard, and it wears at the soul; I've been there, I know. But I can't think of anyone who is better prepared to endure it, should she choose to. I had faith for you when you said you couldn't, and I continue to have faith that you'll get through it and be happier because of all the stress you're dealing with now. You can do it, my darling sister, and you will. <333
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

So last night I got trashed. And I decided to put down a replay of that night is as close to in order as possible:

So I got to my friend's house after helping her close the store she works at for the moment. It's a chocolate store so I got some free chocolates. Bomb, right? Anyways, got her alcohol and then drove on over. No one was there yet so she and I got prettied up. I had been wearing a hat so I styled my hair and put on a little make up. Yadda, yadda.

Flash forward about twenty minutes.

People finally started showing up and were complaining about buying cigarettes cause someone didn't have an ID, blah, blah. Made my first drink of the night and started sipping it. It was like liquid candy and uber delicious. I drank this slow until I had some of a cigarette. I don't normally smoke and try to avoid it whenever possible - however - I'm a social smoker to a point. I never smoke (usually) a whole cigarette even when drinking. So I only had a few puffs before I was done and back inside to drink my drink. I had about 1/4 of it done when everyone came back and I played a game of pool by myself until I was called into the first game of beer pong.

My team won twice. <3

By then I had finished my drink and was working on my second one. Not having eaten in while + made it extra strong + drinking two of them in about 30/45 = buzzed/tipsy Hahvy. I didn't really feel the affects at that point, however. It took awhile to get to drunk. But that's later.

So fastforward a tad - playing the pool game. The music is like emo-whiny crap so my pool buddy chris and I bitched about it until it was changed. That's how shit gets done! Anyways, so he and I play a game of pool. So I'm on my third drink. Mind you, about an hour and a half to two hours has gone by since I started drinking. It seems like I'm going slow, but all the movement makes the alcohol get into my blood faster.

Haha, biology.

Anyways, so at this point I'm being a total goof and fucking up some of my shots cause my eyesight is whacked but I still manage to win. He's drunk, too, but he's a little more focused than I am. Pretty much we're all having a good time and he and I kept tripping over this stupid part of the rug under the pool table that is sticking up high enough to trip even sober people. So we both laugh about that since we're drunk. And don't really give a shit.

So we then go on to beer pong. Since it is just the two of us, we play six cup pong. I decide to call my boyfriend for no real reason other to tell him, "OH HI! I"M PLAYING BEER PONG AND AND AND I"M WINNING." I go into "little kid" mode when I'm drinking. So we're playing the game and I'm winning and then I start getting bored with it. He has two/three cups left and I have one so while I'm on the phone, flailing around like an idiot, I sink both balls in and just say I win. A few times.

Mind you, I'm still on the phone so my boyfriend is having a FIELD day. I keep telling him I love him/blah blah blah. Pretty much the same shit over and over again.

And then it sort of goes down hill. Mind you, I started on my fourth drink and was so drunk I was stumbling around like a retard and slightly numbed/fuzzy body feeling. However, my boyfriend said something that set off the whole "why aren't you here" spasm I seem to get into whenever he mentions something that subconsciously triggers my abandonment button. Now, I let it go usually after I said it and he says he's sorry and working on it. But I'm drunk. And like a child. So instead of just bouncing back to being happy go lucky, I go into crying mode. This goes on for awhile. Maybe ten minutes?

My vision is so fucked that closing my eyes feels like being on a very rocky boat so I can't go to sleep. He calms me down and then it tailspins back because Jim alerts Tammy (my friend hosting the party) that something isn't right with me. So she gives me water, tells me to drink it and I try to bounce back. I say water is delicious and all this stuff, but I'm so upset I feel sick. So we sit down in the bathroom. Why the bathroom? She thinks I'm drunk sick/upset sick so we sit.

Our friend Ari has to pee so she comes in, drops trow, and goes pee. I was like, "Whoa." And I think I told my boyfriend on the phone I saw some chick pee. Mind you, I can't even pee on my own. It's like an adventure times 5. So tammy has to help me/watch me incase I manage to slip and die. She practically force feeds me bread and water. And I'm almost back to being a giggly drunk again.

So the boy and tammy talk on the phone a few times and then I'm lying down on the couch all curled up in blankets cause I'm cold. Closing my eyes makes me feel sick so I try to keep them open, but I'm also so tired I can barely stay awake. It's pretty much being in between a rock and a hard place.

Anyways, more people show up and this is about 130 in the morning. I think. Obviously, I really have no idea. Anyways, Tammy says it's time to go upstairs. I'm an easy drunk to deal with. I make jokes, I'm nice, and I'll go where you tell me to as long as it doesn't set off my moral compass. Which is still very active even when drunk. So she helps me up and gets one of her guy friends to help her with me cause I'm so stumbly. But I'm laughing so hard.

He says, "Hi, I'm Tye."

So I say, "Well, hello! You're too tall to do that."

So he picks me up princess style. And I go, "I get to be princess carried! Don't drop me!" And everyone laughs as he brings me up the stairs. Tammy tells me to shush so I shush. I don't quite remember getting up the second flight of stairs, but we get up there without mishap and then she puts me on the bed and starts to take off my shoes. So I immediately say, "Don't draw on me." For some reason, I thought I would pass out with my shoes on even though they were taking them off.

I tell Tye he looks really nice and he tells me he came from a fancy dinner thing and so on and so forth. I curl up in bed, get my boyfriend back on the phone and just talk to him about nonsense until I pass out on the phone with him.

Woke up feeling awesome minus slightly tired. So I took a shower.

And that was my drunken shenanigans.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Just saying, we're going to have a field day when wasted together. I will get you into sooo much trouble. <3
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Is it weird to feel like bits and pieces of me are missing because I haven't been able to talk to a few people as often as I'd like?

I dunno.

It seems odd. At least to me.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

It's only odd because you're not used to the feeling. Think of the first time you felt attraction to someone, or had your first date. Each of those times probably felt odd too because you'd never felt those particular stirrings before....this is no different in that sense. These people mean something to you and you feel more grounded when you can talk to them regularly so its understandable that you'd feel off when you haven't had that opportunity recently.

PS: And yes, I knew that was really just a hypothetical question but you didn't really think I could let it slide without commenting did you? :p
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Exactly and that's why it feels weird. It's not a feeling you're used to so it feels off. The whole need vs want thing probably applies here too.
 
RE: Chaos Theory: Causing Hahvoc.

Your friends essentially ARE bits and pieces of you, not in the literal sense of course, but in a far more meaningful way. The people we care about help define us, make us who we are to some degree. So when you haven't had the opportunity to spend time with those bits and pieces of yourself, the pieces that help us to find our smile, or to make sense of a crazy situation, or to pick up the other pieces of ourselves that shattered into a million tiny pieces.... you begin to take notice of the feeling that something is missing. Naturally, the closer the friend, the bigger a piece of you they become. I think that Tom Cruise said it best in his portrayal of Jerry MaGuire when he told Dorothy, "You complete me." Although I know he was talking to the woman he loved, which should be the biggest part of us aside from our inner selves, I think it fits with all the other people in our lives as well. Just think about the difference in your life if you didn't know this person or that person. Of course, I realize you know all of this already, being that you are an intelligent young woman.

Anyway, I think I'm beginning to ramble and repeat myself.
 
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