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The Lady Doth Bitch Too Much (Athene's RL Journal, Comments Welcome)

LadyAthene

LadyAthene

Supernova
Joined
May 12, 2015
Location
West Coast, USA
I know, I know. This is ... what? The millionth thread I've made here?

Maybe not literally, but I will admit, it does sorta feel like it's getting to be that many of them.

Anyway, this is something I have tried to purposely delay creating for one simple reason. More often than not, this is probably gonna include more negative entries. And I write them to vent, yet I'd understand if anyone would interpret them as me wanting a 'woe is me' sorta reaction.

Still, that never has been my goal.

Besides a way to vent, it's also a way to keep in touch with my partners here. PMs are overrated.

Weakly grins

Not really, but in all seriousness, I do prefer threads/IM over PMs for almost anything, including OOC communication.

Comments are more than fine. In fact, they're welcomed. Thus, if you want to post here, feel free to. But avoid posting any trolling or idiotic remarks here, please.

Without further ado, let's get to the first official entry, shall we?
20th May, 2017

So before I go too far into this entry, allow me to elaborate a bit on myself and, more specifically, my situation. Me and my husband live in a small housing community, which acts as a transition program for homeless people. Prior to living here, we had been stuck in our van for 6 months.

We originally moved to Oregon to get closer to our daughter, as well as my parents. But daughter is without a doubt our main priority. We had a Section 8 HUD/housing voucher and everything. We had full intentions of moving here and securing a place.

What the HUD agency failed to explain very well was our voucher had started up in April. Keep in mind this was back in 2015.

Thus by the time we arrived in Oregon, most of our 120 days were already gone. Eventually, we lost the voucher and they weren't (re) taking any new applications. The waiting list for HUD just re-opened up a few days ago, so I got us applied for that.

With any luck, something will work out with/regarding that.

My main bitching session, ergo, comes into play here.

I legit hate this small housing community. It's to a point where, honestly, the van is seeming more nad more like a better option. Yet, I won't force my husband to pack and make the cats get in with me. Fuck that. Still, I definitely am ready to march inside myself and forever give this place the middle finger. The "self-governing" bullshit they advertise is as fake as most of the residents here. There's a small handful [9] that I can even truly trust. I should be counting my blessings. I know that.

But when the past two days have been filled with crying fits because one villager upset my husband so bad, sent him into a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) which, in simplest terms, is a mini-stroke. Something he has only had two other times, and not unless really angry/pissed off.

So I walked in, found him being treated by EMTs ... and got shaken up. It weakened to a point where he didn't need to go an ER, but this whole fucking incident has been a major low blow to my faith in humanity and self-esteem in myself, as the issue revolved in us apparently "not doing enough around this village" and thus being "useless".

Tch. Tell me something I don't fucking know about myself. And to my face, asshole. Good riddance.

My muse is as dead as a lot of my emotions and overall self for the most part. I do promise to make an effort to get back to people [particularly a certain saint-like partner who keeps putting up with my life being an absolute bitch] but I can't say when it'll happen.

I really am so very sorry. I hate sounding like I'm making excuses. The problem is ... they're not made up. These are actual, real bullshit things I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Who knows, though? Maybe I can get an actual week or even month where life leaves me the fuck alone. Here's to hoping, I suppose.

-Athene

 

21st May, 2017

I'm still not quite 100% better. Even with being unlicensed in Psychology yet having taken a class three years ago, I know myself well enough to admit that earnestly.

However, compared to the past few days?

Oh yeah. I'm a fuck lot better.

Hopefully, it'll be much smoother and easier when I get informed of who my new counselor will be. Until then, I'm at least feeling okay enough to give replies out to those who have been more than patient with me. If I'm not writing, I'm trying to do ... pretty much anything to keep my mind out of the more negative mindset. Reassure myself I'm not quite useless.

They were right that I don't do as much as other people, and thus I am technically doing "the bare minimum" around the village.

Still, that's not the same as useless. That plus my beloved Veinexes/spouse have been helping, as some members and friends here and on Skype. With me and Vein's 7th wedding/marriage anniversary coming up, maybe some good will finally arrive in my life.

We've been together much longer than we have been an official couple. Almost twice as long, in fact; thirteen - almost fourteen - years. My relationship status is one of the things I'm most proud of. I just wish ...

Shakes head

Ehh. Whatever. If my family won't be behind or happy for me, their loss.

There will always be at least one family member I won't have to worry about, and that's our angel, our daughter, who will be 11 years old come early June.

-Athene

 

27th May, 2017

Have I expressed yet how much I really hate the place I'm having to live at? I do. I really fucking do.

So of course, the bastard who hurt me and my husband in the worst, emotional ways is getting little more than a slap on the wrist. Not literally, but it may as well be that minor.

I'm definitely still pretty irked about it.

But after talking with some Skype friends ... they're right.

Karma's not an entity that only works once. As someone who's seen her visit people before, I know she makes multiple stops, especially when they're earned and/or deserved. So ... I'm simply going to let Karma do her work and focus on the more fun and positive things for myself.

So, I'm intending to concentrate on writing, moving out of here, celebrating my 7th anniversary soon, daughter turning 11, and other things like that.

I do wish, though, the organization I'm visiting for a counselor would hurry up and assign me to someone else already. It's been way more than two weeks since I went in for my re-assessment. I don't usually ask for help, especially with these kinds of things. So for me to earnestly admit I want to resume seeing someone? That's a feat to see/read from someone like me.

Until then, may as well distract myself in other ways.

Thanks for those who have been patient with me. Expect posts and replies soon!

-Athene

 

31st May, 2017

Good and bad/neutral-ish news. I'll get the latter done in this entry first.

So, I finally mustered enough courage to talk with the villager in question. The one all this bullshit started with in the first place. I calmly asked him to truthfully tell me if he even viewed me as useless. And explained why I thought that.

I'm ... well ... torn.

Knowing he has Asperger's & Autism like me, I can - and want - to believe he was being honest when he said they were only meant to be directed at a few, specific people.

But the newly formed and very pessimistic side of me is terrified that he's just lying to save his ass.

This village has literally been bringing out the worst in me. I never used to be this bad in ... any aspect, really. It's very disheartening and ... yeah.

That brings me, however, to the better news.

My husband got a much-needed call. After jumping through too fucking many hoops, he finally has a more permanent job. He's been working temp ones, and though those have been nice, they aren't as reliable. Think of them akin to "Labor Ready" in terms of how it works,and with a monthly paycheck.

So this will be a lot more stable. Consistent. 40 hours per week (8 hours every weekday) type of job.

I've never blamed him for being unemployed, but I really am fucking relieved. We've been using only my SSI money for ... quite a while. So this is a real burden off our shoulders.

I finally got called yesterday and reassigned to my new counselor, so I go in to see her Friday.

But perhaps the best bit of news - aside from everything finally beginning to fall into place - is today marks our 7th (married) anniversary. If I really wanted to be technical, it's 20; 7 married, 13 just being together. Yeah ... I met him very young. But I never regret it. Just that the timing was shitty, given my mom's parents had passed away pretty recently prior to meeting him, so the whole family was in a shitty state.

Shrugs

It's been worth it, more than not. So I'm very okay with my decision. And I'd do it again. In a heartbeat, if ever asked/reincarnated/anything of the like.

Until next time,
-Athene

 

7th June, 2017

Today is one of my more magical days!

11 years ago, I gave birth to my first [and possibly only] little angel, Sophia.

On the most technical of notes, she won't be 11 until 8:28 PM.

:p

Technicalities aside, she's grown really well over the years. I couldn't be any prouder.

... Well, maybe I could but ... xD

Anyway.

Me and my husband are gonna visit her over the weekend. She's still in school. That combined with my spouse's new work schedule equals we wouldn't have been able to drive over today, even if we wanted to. As such, I won't be around much - if at all - this Saturday!

Just wanted to give a heads-up to everyone!

Until next time,
-Athene

 

14th June, 2017

Long story short ...

Ignores the chorus of people exclaiming "Too late!" as continues

The visit went perfectly. Really fucking well.

... Up until the moment my mom announced that as opposed to waiting for Sophia to hit 18, mom and dad are going to aim for next summer/year.

Head wall

Why?! Why?! Why?! WHY?!

ARGH!

It's hard to love your parents when they do the stupidest shit.

Oh, and by the way ... you make NO SENSE!

You don't want to raise her around "this culture"?! The fuck does that mean? Especially when you guys were all about raising me and my brother around tons of "diverse cultures". So ... the fuck's up with that? Is that really the only reason?

You all new you were moving into a small-ass town so ...

Sigh

I don't fucking get it. I really don't.

Really though, my husband just got his job like ... two weeks ago, more or less. There is going to be basically no way for us to save enough. If there are any ways, they're few and far in between.

I know this is a 'maybe'; but the problem with this option is it's one that has been a consistent theme throughout the years. Basically since I met my husband [at the time, boyfriend], to be exact.

More or less, they've been back and forth between the same states. From Texas to North Carolina, North Carolina to Texas, Texas to Oregon ... shit like that.

And now, sure enough, they may literally go from Oregon back to fucking Texas.

x.x

It's not the fact they'd wanna go back to their/our home state that pisses me off. It really is the timing.

So unless they finally change their minds and allow us to reside with them while paying rent .... we're going to be without our kid when/if they succeed in this move.

Until next time,
-Athene

 

3rd August, 2017

Huh. It's actually been a while for once. That's new.

God, can we please leave this fucking shelter yet?

x.x

I mean, don't get me wrong. With the heat being eve worse this year than last, I'm definitely glad we're not suffering in our van. But ... really. I just wanna live on my own now. No more roommates. Maybe visitors every now and again, then eventually having our daughter live with us again. But that's about all I want.

Although I still liked the first housing coordinator/assistant we had, the replacement one's decent. So hopefully something will give, be it a place we've recently visited/applied to or did sometime last year will call/send a letter/something saying we have a place.

Me and my husband spoke to a specific complex this past Monday, but ... it's gonna be $900 if we do get accepted.

He does make that by himself. I'm just ... scared. Really fucking terrified. Because all it'll take is something wrong and ....

I'm not gonna even finish that. Partly for myself and ... yeah. Let's leave that blank empty.

I re-read the letter SSI gave me recently, and there's good and bad news in it now that I realize how I read it. It will go down -- but not until September 1st. So assuming something does happen sooner than later, it won't lower. Alternatively, it won't stay low the moment we move.

Point is, the decrease definitely won't be permanent.

My counselor's been really helping me stay on a more positive road, as it were. And I'm trying; I really am. But some days, it's really difficult.

Tomorrow's gonna mark 14 years of Granddaddy being gone. Goddamn, as he'd say without missing a beat. It's ... easier, for the most part. But I really miss him at times. One last farewell or hug -- if I could have given him or his wife/my grandmother that, dealing with their loss would be so much easier.

Apologies if I have been slow in responding to anyone. Anyone who has seen what the West Coast currently looks like temperature wise knows it's horrible. It was yesterday, and it's even worse today. @.@

Between that, being taught Spanish on Sundays, and some other factors, I'm actually giving myself stuff to do behind my screen. But I'm still here, I promise!

Until next time,
-Athene

 

4th August, 2017

This is less of an entry for myself and more of a personal thing I'm doing in honor of my grandfather. As my aunt used to say, if you can't say anything nice, then don't say [or PM] anything to me. Thanks.

Until next time,
-Athene

Granddaddy,

I hope the past fourteen years have been good to you. You'd be ... about 87 by now, if I'm not much mistaken.

Tempus fugit indeed, huh?

I still can't get over it; not having been able to say goodbye to you face-to-face. It really is what haunts me the most to this day. It'd be easier to move on otherwise.

I'm sorry. I know I'm probably being really selfish, and you wouldn't want this from me, more likely than not.

I'm trying though. Even if it doesn't seem or look like it half the time, I really am. Still, you weren't just my grandfather to me. You were my hero, and you're a good source of where I get a good number of my beliefs and traits from.

I hope there have been a few times I've made you proud since you died. I know I've made a number of mistakes, but I pray I've been able to equal them out, even if only a bit, by doing something that's made you smile or react in any positive way.

Even if I never physically see you again when I do leave this world, I wish nothing but the best for you and Nana. Neither of you deserved to suffer, and I'm glad you've been free of that. It's one of the only really positive thing that came with your painful demise.

Forever your eldest granddaughter,
Natalie
 

9th August, 2017

We are so fucking close. It's not even funny. In fact, it's helping drive me more and more insane.

So for one complex we applied at, we're only waiting for them to research our rental history when we lived in North Carolina. That is literally it. The finish line for many things me and my husband have wanted is so goddamn close. My fingertips may as well be brushing against the ribbon about now.

Finally, we'll have the chance to resume everything; living a more normal life, being more directly involved in our daughter's life, maybe even give her a sibling one of these days, definitely/most likely have beaten my parents in who moves first. I want this so fucking bad. Honestly, the acceptance/move would be more than okay for a birthday present. Several of them, really.

Sure, it'll be costly. The highest we've had to worry about.

But for the first time in months ... I'm finally able to feel and hold back onto hope. Something's finally going right, and unless someone's tampered with our files in the East Coast, it should keep proceeding smoothly.

Whoever the fuck's listening/watching/whatever, please let us have our break. Don't take this from me and Vein .. please.

Until next time,
-Athene

 

14th August, 2017

Late post is late

I've technically known about this since last Friday. But I had to get a specific detail figured out before posting this so ... here goes!

Me and my husband got accepted for the 2 bedroom apartment and get to move into it. The main thing we had to determine was whether to move next week or on September 11th. We opted for the sooner day for financial reasons. Namely revolving around my SSI, and keeping that from decreasing since it was supposed to in September.

But ... agh!! I'm soooo fucking ecstatic! I have been ever since we got the news, really!

Still a bit nervous, yeah. But the anticipation far outweighs the uncertain, anxious feelings. I can't immediately recall if internet will already be something included or if we'll have to get in touch with an ISP or what. Depending on the answer will determine if I use my phone for a bit after we move or what I do. It will definitely not be my preference, but I'll maybe consider it, if only because I have typed up replies on it before.

Anyway, wanted to get this officially announced!

To help ensure I'll be ready by the next week, I'm splitting my time up. From 8-9 PM to whenever I wake up, I'll devote time to packing things away. Otherwise, I'll (probably) be getting replies in.

Until next time,
-Athene

 

17th August, 2017

... I literally didn't need anymore incentives to be happy about getting accepted into an apartment sooner. But tonight further strengthened we got in our place - or will be there - at obviously the best time.

About two weeks ago, we had to evict one villager for slapping another. Tonight, there was another display of abuse. But it was worse, in my opinion, because it was a domestic case.

One of the other villagers caught part of their argument, including proof that the woman had been physically hit. In a community like where I'm living, there's - as one can assume - a zero tolerance policy for such things.

But what's really making me tremble now is knowing that asshole almost didn't get arrested. I mean, I'm glad justice was served tonight; but I hate that the only reason it was involved him having a current warrant in another fucking county. That's bullshit.

I remember making a thread here years ago under my LadyYuna account in the Blue Moon Academy on if people thought the justice system didn't work. Any hope I had disappeared tonight. Goddamn.

Three more days .... and I'll finally be away from all this drama and bullshit. I literally don't need it. Nope, nu-uh. Go the fuck away and leave me alone. Good riddance.

Until next time,
-Athene

 

25th August, 2017

God-fucking-damn.

It feels so amazing to be living in an actual apartment again. Don't get me wrong; I am grateful we found a way to stop living in our van, which was exactly what me and Veinexes resorted to before discovering the shelter.

But especially over the past few months, nothing but drama came to the village. Just trying to live and survive was tiring enough. I really didn't need to hear or see people going at each other's throats 24/7.

I can't help but pity everyone who is still there. Knowing what I left behind, all - or a lot of Hell, anyway - is going to break loose. It really will be a miracle if the place avoids crashing and burning altogether; literally or otherwise.

At the moment, I am still using my phone. However, we have a router on its way to our new place. It should arrive before September. Maybe sometime next week even.

Until then, I am going to see about posting during my spare time. It will probably be a slow process. I hope to make the wait for everyone worth it though.

Just wanted to give a quick update; need to resume cleaning. My parents and daughter are going to come over and see our new place. It will be the first time we've lived in an apartment and they will be nearby. Usually, they have lived in different cities or states, so this is a huge deal for me.

Until next time,
-Athene

 
Thanks, SithLord. I most definitely have been enjoying this place.

I just need two specific things to happen soon.

A. My router to arrive so I can resume writing.
B. My stupid self to stop waking up in the middle of the night.

>.<

I'm probably just trying to adapt like my cats, because I'll admit I am not used to waking up and having peace. The only obligations I now worry about are keeping this place in good shape. Granted, I did do chores at the previous place, but there was always the threat of getting a write-up if you half-assed those or anything really.

No longer having to think about those, any of the unwanted drama, it's very nice. But something I'm just not yet used to.

Anyway, I'm going to see about going back to sleep.

-Athene
 

28th August, 2017

Guess who's back?
Back again ...
Athene's back, tell ....

Ehh. Screw it. I'm not gonna finish that.

Giggles

Sorry, sorry. Lame music pun is indeed lame. I'll admit it. But I haven't felt this content in way too long. It is so fucking incredible to remember and experience much m ore often how true happiness feels. Sure, there's a bit of stress every now and again. But more than anything, I'm finally feeling hopeful, particularly about my future. It's actually looking brighter than it has in so long. I'm eager to see what may or may not come from everything, including this move.

Until next time,
-Athene

 
Smirks

It did that to me also. Then again, I purposely and shamelessly chose that reference, so ... I hope it'd make me chuckle at the very least.

Anyway, glad to see it wasn't only me. I hope that made your mood better somehow. <3
 
I will never not laugh at that xD

It did brighten my day! :heart:
 
Thanks you two~
29th August, 2017

I'm being really stupid. I know I am. Hell, if my dad knew I hadn't gotten my ass into a doctor/ER, he'd likely be chewing me out right now. He is the cardiologist/doctor of our family, so ....

But all I know is my chest has been hurting. Pretty constantly since I woke up at 3 PM.

It's like ... a constant pressure. Like something or someone repeatedly pushing down on my ribs. Considering it keeps up even while walking .... I know that's a bunch of red flags to get it looked at.

Honestly though, the doctors here in Oregon have been shit to me. I went last year sometime for a really bad cough. Luckily, it wasn't anything like influenza or pneumonia, the latter of which had been my original fear as I had it way back in 2012-2013.

So you can imagine/guess why it pissed me off that they were able to give me Tylenol/Ibuprofen/something while in their examination room, but made me leave without any kind of medication to help with the cough.

Apparently, it was only a cough and so "they couldn't do anything about it".

And if that wasn't frustrating enough, that same cough stayed for three to four whole months.

But I never went back because ... well .... after how amazing they worked on me the first time around, I was sooooo excited to return. Right?

Rolls eyes

So yeah. Things like that are exactly why I hesitate. And it's even more frustrating. This time around, I am on health insurance [last I was trying to get back on it and thus was uninsured] so ... it should be all more the reason to try, yes?

But ... I don't know.

I'm annoyed at myself. Even though it was more important to take care of myself, I hate that nothing got done.

Just one of those 'ugh' days.

Until next time,
-Athene

 

11th September, 2017

Been a while. I know, I know. Bad me. >.<

Some of you already know this, others don't. But it feels a tad unfair to keep people in the dark, so ... informing entry for the win.

It's probably not amazing to learn I am active on other sites, writing or otherwise. What most of you may not have guessed, however, is one is actually Harry Potter-based. Long story short, guess whose House happened to have the first Quidditch match of the season?

Points to self

As it is, this has left me doing a lot more writing than usual, given posts are typically required from me or the team every 24 hours, more or less. We do get breaks, mainly while the refs and overseers grade each round.

Alas, not all of the captains this year around know what they're doing. One in particular is driving me up the wall, so I'm either trying to help myself or the other members, especially newer ones. With any luck, this match should end [preferably with us winning] in a few days.

Feel free to ask for more details in PMs or here. I'd be more than happy to share any additional facts about what I do, where I got sorted, etc.

Until next time,
-Athene

 
That is so exciting!!! Harry Potter is the best!!! (I'm a total Hufflepuff)
 
It really is exciting. A bit stressful, but that's to be expected.

According to the site [and having been there for 6 years now, thus noticing my own self/personality], I'm a huge Slytherin. Prior to joining this site, I used to view myself as a complete Ravenclaw.

I feel like I encompass at least noe trait from each House. Buuuut .... I'm definitely primarily a Slytherclaw, if I had to label myself as anything.

That being said, our opponent is Ravenclaw. And they have some insanely good writers so they're more of our rival than the Gryffindors were according to J.K. Rowling. We have yet to beat them since I've been on the team soooo ... you bet I'm hoping for redemption as well as victory.
 

14th September, 2017

I can barely think. My mind's a wreck. All that's going through my head is "Fuck, now what?"

So I went to the SSA office to make sure everything was fine. I don't wanna give exact numbers because ... personal reasons. But I basically asked if there had been a mistake and if a more proper amount for my SSI funds would go in next month. I only got 300 this month as opposed to my usual 700ish and I even spoke with a separate worker earlier. She said it may just be something that won't be applied until October.

Annoying, but I can work with that. I just wanted to know, to have a definite answer.

Apparently, no.

Not only was the 300ish dollars not a mistake, but they were almost going to lower it even further to 95. You're reading right; $95 dollars. That would have been all. It took my husband damn well nearly bitching the person we spoke to out. By the time we left, they agreed it's supposed to stay in the 300s range they gave me for September .... but that's it.

The obvious solution?

Get a real job.

The problem?

I haven't done that since I got on SSI. So - essentially - about 7+ years ago. My work history's so pathetic, it isn't even funny. Granted, there is a bit of volunteering. But it's all from so long ago ... am I really going to be able to do anything to help out?

I just ... I'm devastated. There's no other way to say it. I don't wanna ask my in-laws for help with next month because of government bullshit [even if it's at least a justified excuse] and I can't go to my parents. They've never helped in the financial department; not unless it simultaneously aids their own agenda out. So I can't go to them ....

Goddamnit. Just when I get a new place, the very thing I was terrified of comes and haunts me. Go fucking figure. Unless something happens real fast [namely getting a job], there are sooo many ways we can lose this place.

Until next time,
-Athene

 
*hugs*

I'm sorry this happened to you...Yeah, I wish I had more to say but all I can do is offer my condolences.

Prayers to you and your husband, and hopes that everything works out.

-Razgriz
 
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