Here we go...

So, coming to terms with a bit of news I got yesterday. I don't qualify for that study, so no more free meds. I got a months supply left but I wonder if it's really okay to keep going knowing I'm gonna run out. I like this me, who doesn't constantly worry about everything...I'm scared that I'm gonna go back to being the way I was before I started all this..

Oh, and the reason I didn't qualify...

My blood sugar is high. Considering that diabetes runs in BOTH sides of the family, that is terrible news. I checked some internet facts, and it's not really that high, but still constantly a little high. When does a little turn into a lot? When will I wake up in the hospital because my blood sugar doubled from 205 to 410? Shit.

I need two things: Health insurance...and money for health insurance.

A. I really need to start watching this blood sugar thing.
B. I really need to see a psychiatrist at some point. Considering I've gone through a death four years ago and an assault last year. I probably should get help before it becomes too much for me to handle...again.

There is a shit ton of other things I need checked about, because I haven't seen a doctor in about five years, but those two are my main concern.

Hurray for being too poor to take care of myself!

Sighs What a start to my week...

First off, super honored to be apart of the staff here. Gotta admit, seeing DA's name in my inbox made me go "Fuck, what did I do?!"...I gotta guilty mind for no reason other than paranoia...yeah. But anyways it was pleasantly not anything bad(obviously). If anything it made my day since once again Monday was completely unproductive, not to mention I was having trouble roleplaying all day.

Monday night I was presented with an opportunity to escape my current situation, which honestly hasn't been too bad for the past week or two. Mainly because I stopped giving any fucks and he's constantly vying for my attention now because he knows I don't give any...but we laugh and have fun, and the holdiays are coming up soon so there's that. Well, I know he won't be spending them alone like I did last year if I leave, but I dunno. Something makes me want to spend the holiday with him?

BUT, I really want to move back to Jacksonville. I miss my friends, my family kinda. Kind of..

Anyways, the opportunity is living with my friends mom. Who I have lived with before...it wasn't bad or good, didn't help I didn't have a car so I had to pay her 50 bucks a week for gas. But rent is somewhere between 200-300 dollars, and I know she's got all the good shit, internet, etc. My friend said that if I come back I'd be able to get a job there easily, which is 100 percent ture. Jacksonville is a huge place and my car may be shit but it can get me where I need to go in the city.

My current job is going places, but I'm not sure if I'm going with it. I'm not cut out to be a recruiter, not with the shitty resources given to me with this company. But I'm having trouble deciding whether or not to quit, especially when they are talking about getting an office down here and things...but once again not sure if I can really do the job they want me to.

I'm having difficulties determining if I should quit or not, and then go back to where I belong. Things might be okay right now, but..that can always change. I also feel like I shouldn't be with someone I don't have feelings for in that way anymore..

If I leave, I could be leaving behind a good opportunity for a job. If I stay, I could be fired and then stuck with my "Boyfriend" for another few months before I can think about going back home. I have to make the call before something happens...which is super annoying. BUT I do have some time before the room becomes available anyway...just not sure how much.

I'm going to be thinking very deeply about this...though if you're reading this right now and have an opinion feel free to share.

First off, congrats on becoming staff! Such a cool site, I'm glad that good people like Darkangel and you are among those helping to keep it going =)

Now for my possibly bad advice. you care for your current boyfriend. Otherwise you wouldn't want to be spending the holidays with him. You wouldn't be struggling with this decision. But you also feel a little lost away from home in a situation that isn't ideal.

It sounds like you guys aren't talking about real stuff right now. Your guy has been paying more attention now that you've backed off. It shows he cares on some level. Why not consider telling him what you're thinking about? See what he says. It can be a painful conversation. But he might give you a reason to stay.

It might be bad advice. But one mistake I've made and seen made in my life is not opening up to the people we care about in our lives. You don't always get the answer you want. Me, I usually pack an overnight bag and put my jewelry and computer and Ipad and camera in the car before I have these conversations. Just in case I decide to sleep over at a friend's after the conversation.

You have a tough decision either way with no perfect answer. As to the job, I think don't look at it in terms of whether you can do the job, you'll rise to the occasion. You really will! But ask yourself, am I going to hate this job? Don't get stuck in a job you hate. Oh well, I babble. I really am sending good thoughts out to you and hope you make the right decision whatever it is.

I have communicated to him as much as possible and this is not the first time I have tried to leave...he promised a change and I stayed, but then he went back to his old ways. The only reason why he ever pays attention to me is when I'm pretty much done trying to fix our relationship that just can't be fixed. I care about him, but more so as a really good friend than a boyfriend a this point. I know I'm not in love with him anymore because I'm capable of not giving a fuck if he talks to me or not...

As for my job, I like it but not the people I work for...there is a lot of poor communication and they put a lot of pressure on me even though they didn't train me properly for doing something I've never done before...

Under those circumstances, I would lean toward home.

Yeah, that's definitely where I'm leaning...and the people who live upstairs are definitely pushing me over the edge. I can't focus with all the racket up there.

But that's not going to be what makes me decide...

It's been a few hours now and fuck, I'm still torn.

Maybe I'm not totally over him. It's either that, or I've become complacent. I am just going to talk to him about it and see how he reacts. That will either make me decide or it will just make everything harder.

the room is going to be available in two weeks...That's too short of a time. Ugh.

You sound like an enabler in that relationship with your BF. It's not going to benefit you in any way to stay.

That being said, line up the job in Jacksonville with some kind of written offer; number of hours, job title, and pay rate. Then give notice at your current job. Have your move date locked in and let your mom's friend know that YES you definitely want to move and you'll be there on 'X' date.

Then go. No more excuses!

You said in post #52 that home was "where I belong" when you referred to going back. That's a clue to what you truly want to do. Stop worrying about BF being alone for the holidays or that he'll change. He won't. You know this and you've reiterated it several times.

You don't deserve an apathetic relationship or life. If you're not excited to wake up and seize the day then something is really wrong. Move. Make that change, and start 2015 with a fresh start.

I've already let them know I was coming down...now the issue is just letting him know I'm leaving.

I know what I should do. I know what's best. I just really am not looking forward to saying, "Hey, thanks for letting me stay with you for the past nine months. Now fuck off, I'm leaving."

I wish he wasn't treating me so nice right now, otherwise I just wouldn't care.

*snickers* I can tell him for ya?

I wish you could possess my body and do it for me. .__.

Thanks for the kind words Esyel. I really appreciate them.

Well, thank you everyone for the support. I feel really loved here, and I'm really glad I actually stuck around so I could reconnect and meet with so many wonderful people! Everyone here has been keeping me positive and on track with what really matter, which is getting myself together. I don't know how to explain it, but I think the reason why I have been so happy for the last few weeks is because I have such amazing people around me here! <3

Seriously, I've been totally brain dead for the passed week or two so it takes me a bit longer to respond to some roleplays. I've literally been waking up tired. I stay tired all day...it's mentally exhausting being constantly tired. This has been happening since I stopped taking anti-depressants. So I apologize if my pace is slower for certain stories. I just don't wanna give a half-assed reply. .__.

Okay, I figured I'd post this here because I was going to put it in the "Other Little Things that bother you" thread. However, I don't want this to be seen as an attack or hostile in anyway. It is a rant, but one meant to educate, not to chastise.

Being submissive does not mean being lazy, boring, or static. Being submissive also doesn't mean you can only play submissive "fuck holes", either. I'm so tired of seeing people using the word sub as an equivalent to generic. It's not.

Being submissive is about giving a person you care about and trust control. Control they want. It's not just sexual control, either. Submission comes in many flavors, from BDSM lifestyles to simple vanilla acts in real life. In my experience, it's the ultimate form of trust, and for both parties it's just as satisfying emotionally as it is sexually. I've only had a Dominant once in the four years I've been involved in the lifestyle. Why? Because I don't just roll over and open my legs to anyone claiming to be a Dominant. I get to choose who I submit to, because it's a gift. And when the Dominant accepts it, he accepts the responsibility that sub gives to him. He is now responsible for her well being, and he enjoys that responsibility.

As far as sex goes, however...since that's what mostly people get their negative ideas about subs here...

Sex between a Dominant and Submissive is the most passionate experience I've ever had. I don't just lay there. Sometimes I let Him manipulate me, sometimes I take it upon myself to please Him. Because at the end of the day, that's what I want to do for Him. I want to make sure He's pleased and happy, just like He wants to care for my well being.

Still don't understand how any girl with a personality can be submissive?

Why? Just because I am willing to go that far with my level of trust to someone I really care about? I'm like every other girl otherwise. I have my sassy moments, I also am funny and enjoyable to talk to. No one really knows what my sexual preferences are unless I tell them. And I have learned not to on this site, just because it's somehow bad or boring to want to be the one who isn't in control if you're female.

When it comes to roleplaying, you can't tell what I am personally. Because I play many types of characters, some submissive, some dominant, some switches. I don't label them that though because I play sexual scenes depending on the characters personality.

So why the fuck does it matter if I prefer to be submissive in real life when it has absolutely nothing to do with the characters I play?

Seriously, even if I just wanted to play submissive characters, why should I be crucified for it? Who the fuck are you to tell me that I'm boring and other girls who aren't submissive are somehow better than me? Get the fuck over yourself.

I know that there is an astounding number of people who want to be submissive on this site...but there are people who enjoy being strictly Dominant too. Of course, the double standard exists..so that's okay for Males to be Dominant. But not okay for a female to want to be submissive. Because that makes her generic and inflexible, since there are so many of them on this site. And maybe the majority of them play similarly...but that doesn't mean you should go around putting every person who likes playing that role in the same category.

Seriously, stop with the stereotypes. Stop assuming all of us are the same.

Beautiful Disgrace said:

Okay, I figured I'd post this here ...

Click to expand...

Beautifully written. Submissive is not equivalent to passive in real life or in role play. And it shouldn't mean boring, though in role-play, the excitement level may depend greatly on a person's ability to express themselves in writing. But I totally respect those who have no desire to enter into D/S role play and avoid girls like me with my ridiculously submissive fantasies.

Their loss

Been saying that, quite literally, for years, BD. Thank you for saying it again. <3 *hugs*

Jolie said:

Beautiful Disgrace said:

Okay, I figured I'd post this here ...

Click to expand...

Beautifully written. Submissive is not equivalent to passive in real life or in role play. And it shouldn't mean boring, though in role-play, the excitement level may depend greatly on a person's ability to express themselves in writing. But I totally respect those who have no desire to enter into D/S role play and avoid girls like me with my ridiculously submissive fantasies.

Their loss

Click to expand...

I actually don't even search out roleplays based on the D/s roles. People are so shallow that all they hear is "I want a dominant to control me" whenever I mention anything that has to do with the word submissive. Fuck, I'd probably say something about Sub Way and they'd jump to conclusions and burn me at the stake.

darkangel76 said:

Been saying that, quite literally, for years, BD. Thank you for saying it again. <3 *hugs*

Click to expand...

*Hugs back* It's my pleasure.

Just clarifying with my recent journal posting, that entry wasn't directed or pointed at any one person. Since DA has been saying basically the same thing for a long time, I know I'm not crazy when I see multiple people complaining about the submissive issue. So if I offended anyone, I apologize.

Thanks Esyel. *hugs tightly*

I'm about to play the most anticipated game(or at least mine) of the year!

SETTLE IT, IN SMASH!

I've never gotten a hang over with video games until today. My head hurts, very nauseous...

But today I will make a positive day since I've been seeing so much negativity in the boards for the last few days. I'll probably focus on catching up with all my rping. I definitely need to stop slacking off since I have such wonderful partners who deserve only the best responses. I decided my limit will stay at ten roleplays to keep my quality at it's highest. I'm dropping two active roleplays this week since I haven't heard from either person.

I should just close my request thread, honestly. People are still finding me through my sig, which is totally awesome that I don't even have to bump my request thread. But then I feel bad if I'm too busy to write with them, haha.

I'm glad people enjoy writing with me.

Exhausted. Sorry.

Okay, considering I was too tired to even write a proper entry..

I am on a three day job assignment right now...pretty much exhausted. Thursday will probably be when I get back to all my posting. I'm doing some light roleplaying right now, though I don't feel like my mind is sharp enough to do more than a paragraph or so.

I've actually been out of it since the release of Smash, so that just makes me feel even worse. I've been neglecting my roleplays for four days now. I am super behind...

But I'll get to everyone eventually. Promise.

Hope you get some good rest! Take care of yourself. It's like being in an airplane when the oxygen masks drop - you gotta put the mask on yourself before worrying about the people around you.