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A Simple Crushed Daisy

I've been running all day and am so so tired. I look forward to holidays with family but I wish, just once, everything could be low key. But that's just a hope, not reality. I had so many big plans to use my time this week to get geared up and ready to role for exams but one of my outlines that I thought I would be done with in half a day has taken me three. Fuck. I'm trying not to get worked up about being off schedule because I realize that's not going to help anything. The good part about being wrapped up in things and people that matter is that those that don't fall off your radar. And then you realize they didn't deserve a place there to begin with. I am just so thankful for the support I have been getting from my love and know I could absolutely not be without him ever again. I'm such a giddy little girl about it. Anyway, I hope that everyone has a fabulous turkey day and hold your loved ones close. I know that I will be this year so much more than ever before.
 
I had a friend today who was planning a mini-vacation with his girlfriend of several months. He had really fallen for the girl and her little girl. Today he called me completely irate saying he was now single and how fucked up it was that she had bailed on him at the last moment etc etc. I guess in the mean time he had really let her have it for not being able to go on the trip. I don't know the specifics, as I try to stay out of other's relationships but he was so livid and caught up in emotion that he was doing and saying things he didn't mean. His heart was broken and as a result, he was making things so much worse and ruining any opportunity to get her back. While letting him vent and attempting to get him on the right path, something occurred to me. Staying calm and composed is the key to almost every event that involves high emotions. Of course, it was easy for me to say that because I wasn't a party involved. You can't control other people. They are going to do and say whatever they want or feel is appropriate. They are going to act out, they are going to throw punches that they may very well regret one day. Hurt and heartbreak is such an awful thing to have to endure and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I hate he is having to go through this and I hope that he is able to mend the damage I perceive his words and actions may have caused. I've been through so many struggles for my age and it's always the same. Stay clam and composed. Let your brian do the thinking. Be slow to speak and quick to listen.
 
I finally have an inner peace that I have been searching to find for months. It is amazing how following your heart and making tough decisions can bring you to the place where you feel calm and relaxed. I have been struggling with so much anxiety, worrying myself to death about others and the decisions they make, forgetting that I have no control over those actions or decisions. I've been bullied and put down my whole life, and it's really nothing new, even coming from someone that you cared deeply about at at one point in time. Passive aggressive behavior has never been a favorite of mine, it seems cowardly and unnecessarily dramatic. I am getting ready to have three weeks of grueling hard work ahead of me and I am thankful for this calm that has replaced the hours of worrying and anxiety. I put up my Christmas tree this weekend and am absolutely in love with how it turned out. All I want for Christmas is to get through these finals so that I can surround myself with those that I love and adore for the remainder of the holiday season. Answered prayers have renewed my faith and healed a broken heart. Life is good.
 
Negativity breeds negativity . . . do all you can to change it, but if that is not possible, avoid giving in to it!!! Let your happiness shine bright for all those around you to see!!! Hope you all are having a lovely Friday. I am in straight exam mode and am trucking right along. For better or for worse, I will be half way done w/ law school in two weeks. Yay yay yay!!!
 
Stress makes me so so horny. It's ridiculous. It make some people eat, causes some people to lose their appetite, skin to break out etc etc. I have none of those issues. I just want to get fucked. And I mean fucked. I had been craving a threesome like it's my damn job the past couple of days. I think I have had to masterbate at least six times over the past two days. Sex overdrive, anyone? I know stress can do awful things to people and maybe I should be grateful that this is what happens to me but shit, god damn I need a constant cold shower at this rate. Not to mention a yummy yummy thread on E with drool-worthy photographs that I have spent far far to much time looking through. This is when long distance relationships suck ass. I wish I could just bottle it up and save it for later.
 
Trying to repair a relationship has its challenges. Mostly because you have to face the fact that you probably have faults or problems that you brought into things that may have not been the best way to make the relationship healthy. I, like everyone else, have these faults and one of those is being too damn stubborn to see it sometimes. I've tried very hard to do a better job listening and a better job expressing what it is that I need from my SO. The reward, though, is being able to see the progress and feel like when conflicts do arise, you worked through them as a team to get to a mutually satisfying solution. That doesn't automatically bring you back to a place where you were before or put you in the ideal situation but it makes things worth the struggle.

I saw this quote today that inspired this post "love me when I least deserve it because that is when I really need it." It's so beautiful and so very true. Sometimes we do or say things that hurt the ones we love so much, but the key is to continue to love them through it. I can truly say that every person I have ever told that I love, I meant it and I still mean it to some extent. Maybe it's not the same kind of love or maybe their love for me has been taken away, but I can say that has not stopped my love for them. So know this. If I have told you that I love you, I still do and I will love you even if I feel that you don't deserve it right now. Because I think it's a beautiful way to live.
 
I'm tired but getting a ton of rest last night helped. I think I got more rest last night than I did all of last week. It was brutal. And the exam I had anticipated to be the easiest ended up being the worst. I just hope that I pulled through with a B or maybe I should just pray the curve is generous to me. Either way, the one I was dreading hardcore, I put a lot of time into and I felt pretty good when I walked out of that test. As good as you can feel after 4 hours of pure concentration and typing as fast as possible. I have one more tomorrow that I am, as of now, very unprepared for but I learned a lot in that class so I hope that it carries over to my exam. And then finally, one more on Wednesday. I will be so so happy to be done. It has been an absolute heart wrenching semester.

I've always been tough. When you grow up too fast...physically and mentally, everyone has an opinion. You notice things before you should and you interact with people in a way that some can consider to be intimidating. You learn there are people you trust. You learn there are people you don't. And you learn that sometimes people can be just down right ugly. You learn that there are people who will expect you to be there friends when it is convenient for them but then won't be there for you when you go through hell. You also learn that sometimes, people cross a line that they can't ever fix. And when that line is crossed, it's better for you to spend your time with people you love instead of trying to change someone else's twisted little mind.

Do you have influence over someone you love? Absolutely. Should you abuse that influence and push your own views and opinions on them? Absolutely not. But when someone loves you, they can tell that you are hurting without words even being exchanged. They know when my heart is breaking and they know how to hold me until it comes back together. I am thankful for that. Because being tough doesn't have to mean being alone. That has been a hard lesson for me to learn but I'm finally getting there. Letting someone else support me may not be such a bad thing, after all.
 
It feels great to almost be done with exams. I thought today might go terribly since I got such little sleep last night and went to bed with such a pounding headache. But I finished the exam an hour early and don't feel bad about it...I just had all that I had to say and didn't really want to say anything else. So, hopefully that's a good sign that I actually knew the stuff. I also am glad that I made the choice to deal with some things that needed to be dealt with. I'm a very calculated person most of the time, I rarely act out on emotions and once I let anger grab ahold, it's hard for me to let go. I'm certain that all parties still have very mixed feelings and I am no different in that respect. But, I do hope that it's a step in the right direction. I feel that I need to back off and let things fall into place, however that might be.

As I've said before, one of the most difficult things for me to do is to let someone care about me. I don't know where it comes from. I don't know if it's a natural defense mechanism, I don't know if I subconsciously would rather leave before I'm left. I just don't know. Maybe it's some of that self conscious, self loathing thoughts of my past sneaking up in strange ways. I hate hurting people. I would rather hurt myself than make someone else feel pain. And yet, when I do, I don't know how to make it better. Or even how to fight for the opportunity to make it better. Maybe part of it is just being able to forgive myself. I'm trying to learn how to be careful with myself right now and accept that being fragile may not be such a bad thing.
 
It's frustrating to finally allow emotions to bubble to the top just to feel they were more manageable buried. That's it really. Time to move on.
 
I'm out of steam. Going to catch some sleep, get up and look over stuff one more time then rock out this last exam. Then I'm halfway through law school!!! Yes yes yes. I need the break to gain some weight, get some sleep, and love on my family and friends. Let's do this.
 
Another busy semester is up and running. I thought that after the absolute hell of last semester, this one would be better. Turns out it will be just as busy as last but at least I am becoming numb to it at this point. I literally wake up at 7, go to class, work all day in the library, go to class, get the dog from daycare, put him to bed, then work until 1-2 in the morning. Mixing in a couple hours of gym where I can find time. It's not a wonderful way to live but I am finally getting rewarded for my hard work. My grades last semester were surprisingly high and I got offered a kick ass summer internship where I will end up bringing in 6k for 10 weeks of work. The job offer pumped my confidence back up and I am trying to write on for moot court. That means an extra 25 page brief for me and two additional oral arguments and then MAYBE they will select me to join the team. Oh, and that's all on top of my 100+ pages of reading and writing per day. Something is bound to give, and I will just have to make up for it later. I have finally given up balancing my life w/ school and just accepted the fact that I'm not really going to get a life for the next 18 months. But that's why I gave up my life as I knew it and committed to this in the first place. I just have to keep reminding myself that in the short term. My papa is finally doing better and is able to take care of himself for the most part now. Thank the Lord because I can barely care for myself and my pup, much less a grown man. I hope everyone is doing well. I miss those friends that always stood by me, even when I couldn't stand alone. I hope that you'll reach out soon and let me know how life is treating you.
<3 Daisy <3
 
Hi Pretties.

Taking a quick writing break to...well write what I want instead of what I have to write. My semester is deeply intrenched in criminal law which I find to be pretty fascinating, but I am not convinced that's my "calling." Even the brief I'm writing now has to do with excessive force, search and seizure etc. I find myself procrastinating again but it's more like the research for this particular paper has so many different faucets while researching that I don't know when to say when and just start writing. That point is quickly approaching. I curled up on the couch this afternoon to take what was supposed to be a short power nap and my phone alarm never went off. I woke up 2.5 hours later. Whoops. Sometimes I guess I just need to give it a break. Exam schedules came out today and I will be done on May 1st and don't start my job until May 14th. Yay for time off with nothing to do but things that I WANT to do!!

I am finding it easier to bury emotions in work this semester, which is probably dangerous as hell for my mental well-being. But, it helps the time go by faster. Maybe it will give me time to heal and time to get past some things and I can reflect back with a clear mind later. Honestly, those that sit around and feel sorry for themselves and wallow in their own despair often have themselves to blame for digging a hole so deep that they lose the ability to feel and have empathy for others. I feel stronger and more independent every day. Co-dependancy has never been a good situation for me. Happy Friday. Have some drinks for me while I am in work overload.

<3 Daisy <3
 
My heart just fluttered a little bit. I love getting random messages from my sweet Scott. Miss you, my love.
 
Brrr...It's cold!! I actually had to pull out some sweaters and jackets from my closet this weekend. Below 50 is not my cup of tea. I'm thinking about doing this detox master diet where I would cut out food and drink a mixture of lemon juice, cayenne pepper, water, and maple syrup for a few weeks. Studying and working so hard makes it so I eat like shit and then my body gets all cranky and my stomach hurts for days. I have been dealing with this current stomach ache for about 24 hours now. So not fun. I hope it gets better soon. My little monkey is curled up on my tummy now and his sweet little body is acting like a heating pad and it actually feels a little better.

Besides the annoying health issues, I feel so mentally stable lately. I miss my love but understand that life gets in the way. It absolutely amazes me that after two years, he still can melt me the way he does. I saw a movie last night. The Descendants w/ George Clooney. It was one of those "this is real life" slow movies. Without giving away too much, some infidelity occurs and there's this one point where one of the females is yelling at another saying "I forgive you for trying to take him away from me" and "I forgive you for trying to ruin my family." Because as it turned out, her husband actually was still very deeply in love with her. Those words hit me hard. Forgiving someone and moving forward is so necessary for someone like me. I'm glad after all the hurt and all the bullshit, I am finally at that point. That movie won't be for everyone, but I'm kind of a sap for real life.
 
This year I ended up getting my Valentine's goodies a day late. Messages from my sweet Scotty and a beautiful arrangement from my Dad of red roses. What wonderful, caring men I have in my life!! So much to get done that I can't write a lot. Just need to make it through the next 8 days and things will slow down just a little. I've switched from coffee to green tea...baby steps. Hope everyone had a lovely heart day. <3
 
Sigh. It's that time again. Another round of finals hell. Tired doesn't even begin to describe my state. I miss you. I miss everything about you. Don't forget, my love. We've promised each other a million times to wait. I am still here.
 
RE: A Simple Crushed Daisy

There's this song. I'm not crazy about the song per say but the lyrics are stuck in my head. "I'm doing alright for the shape I'm in." I have spent the past few years of my life learning what it means to make it alone. I've learned how strong of a woman I can be when I need to be and I've learned how to really push myself to a level that has been both scary and refreshing. My life has never really been "sugar coated" and I have had to work my ass off for any ounce of success. My emotional state shifts from week to week. Sometimes I feel very strong and am proud of the woman I can see myself becoming and sometimes I am unbearably lonely and think I should have perhaps picked a different road. I see friends with significant others and their families and a part of me longs for that and I can't let go that I may have that one day. But instead of sitting around sulking that that's not my life, I need to enjoy the one that I have. I need to let go of some chains that keep getting heavier and heavier as the days go by. My hope is that at some point I will be able to do that. In the mean time, I am just going to continue concentrating on making myself the best woman I can be in mind, body, and soul.
 
RE: A Simple Crushed Daisy

Just got grades for last semester and I am pleased. Best I have done so far and really helped bump my class rank up. It's always exciting to see your hard work pay off and I am thankful that I was able to get closer to my end goals. I've also made extra efforts to go out after work and take weekend trips to see friends that I love. It's been really fun, but it makes it hard to be out of town all weekend and then come back and jump right back into a busy week. I feel like I may be getting sick so I am going to go to bed at like 9 tonight and take some vitamins. I am running super low on funds and really need to get paid. I had to go to the grocery store because I've been doing great on a new diet that consists 90% on veggies and fruits. Unfortunately, produce and the healthy stuff I need is super pricey. I am also driving the car pool this week so gas is a problem. Hopefully I can just make it til Friday and then everything should be ok. Fingers crossed. I've not really transitioned much from the last post emotionally. Lots of questions that I feel will never have answers. It's difficult to accept that as fact, but I am trying. It's difficult to maintain friendships on here with such little extra time, so I apologize for those that have tried to reach out. I'm not trying to be cold, its just sometimes difficult to be here and think about the past. On a totally random note, yankee candle is having their semi-annual sale and I picked up "coconut bay" and it smells awesome. I totally recommend picking it up if you're at all interested!
 
RE: A Simple Crushed Daisy

Quick monthly update. Life is good. Two weeks left of my internship and I've learned so very much. I am thankful that I was given such a great opportunity. I've literally been able to help change lives for the better, which is exactly why I went back to school in the first place. With separation of all things "relationship" I have had a chance to really get back to loving myself and accepting and learning from prior mistakes. I feel like I am getting back to a place (slowly but surely) where I will be able to open up again to someone wonderful. But I'm not chasing it, I've got other things to chase and this next year will be full of wonderful things that don't necessarily include a "significant other." That being said, I have to run to a girls night with some wonderful friends! Hope all is well for all of you.
 
RE: A Simple Crushed Daisy

Oh, I should be angry. I should be furious. But I can't help but allow the relief to wash over me and cleanse away the months and months of worry. Thank you, thank you, thank you. When the world shook and the floor disappeared, my love remained. What a stifling burden washed away by something so little. So precious.
 
RE: A Simple Crushed Daisy

Got some bad news today. Didn't do so well on a test so will have to retake it to get my score up. Really bummed. But I really didn't prepare like I should have. I spent most of the week I should have been studying surfing. Sooo I guess there was a price to pay. Good news is it isn't THAT big of a deal and I should be able to knock it out in November.

I am like a kid the night before Christmas. The anticipation and waiting is killing me!!! Hurry!!! I want to talk to you!!!
 
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