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A Simple Crushed Daisy

Dear Motivation,

I need you to make a return visit into my life for only one more week. I understand that the grueling and horrible two tests that are already over have put you into hiding but we unfortunately have two more to go before we can put this first year in the books. So, sooner rather than later, I would like for you to put on your big girl panties and come back to me so that we can pummel these last two exams and go into summer feeling accomplished and not like a huge dumb ass.

Dear Procrastination,

I need for you to go back to where you came from. I know that we have been pals for a very long time but you always end up screwing me in the end. And not in a good way. I know we used to be great friends in undergrad when i could still get things accomplished with you hanging around, but now it's time for us to go our separate ways.

Dear God,

I am a good girl (mostly). Give me the strength and focus to get past the next week without wanting to drive off a bridge.

Thank you all for your prompt attention to these matters.

Truly,
<3 Daisy <3
 
Before I dive into hours and hours of work today I want to take just a moment to reflect over the past year. I feel that I have personally come so far and even though I may not be the smartest, even though I may not be the typical girl you would think that could do this, I have. I have had my doubts, I have had my struggles, but for once in my life, I've done something difficult and grueling just for myself. Just to empower myself and make it so that I do not ever have to depend on others. Yes, I have two years left but rumor has it that if you can get past the first, the second and third are all down hill. I may not have climbed the mountain with grace all the time and I would even go so far to say that there have been times where I have fallen straight on my face. BUT I kept going and I didn't give up even while sitting up at 4 am slaving over work that seems never ending and as boring as staring at paint. I'm not going to be the best at this but I'm not going to be the worst and I have to believe that hard work will eventually pay off. I have transformed myself from drug and alcoholic party girl (that had to be thrown into a cold tub to come around more than once) to a girl that just wouldn't stop reaching for higher when people told me I couldn't. "You're not smart enough, you are too pretty for that, don't waste your time and money." And then all of the rejection letters that seemed to confirm them...but I didn't let it stop me. I went where I could and made the best of the situation. I've met some cool people, life long friends even; and I've met some really shitty people that have learned how to navigate carefully around instead of giving into my my most natural upfront, aggressive way. The point is this. The only person who can really tell you that you can't is yourself. No one ever thought that a girl like me would come this far, but I have and I am going to just take a minute to be proud. I have two exams to go and this shit is in the bag. Today I am going to be focussed, I am going to apply myself for the last stretch and I am going to get this shit DONE.
 
I'm very proud of you my love, and I have no doubt that you'll do fine, because you ARE smart enough, and you have the drive and motivation to do it. I can't argue the point people make about you being too pretty, but that doesn't mean you can't do it anyway. :p

Go in there and show everyone what you're made of today. You've already made me proud to be your boyfriend. Now go and make yourself proud. Hold your head up high and defy all the shit they've said before. And do so knowing that you have the support of two people who love you very much, and who have never doubted your ability.

We'll be right here when it's over so you can finally just collapse into us and relax a bit. I love you. Go get 'em baby.
 
Not that I should be doing this right now considering I have an exam in 3 hours....BUT.....seriously random PMers looking for R/P's. Did you really really go back on the "searching for female" 10 pages to find me? Do you realize the last time that my post was updated was January? Clue: that just makes me think you're weird and desperate. It does not compel me to want to r/p with you.
 
I write this journal with much hesitation, as I am certain that my friends and fans have dissipated greatly. I don't write this journal in expectation of support or looking for pity. As many of you know, I disappeared for quite some time with no notice and no attempt on my part to come to my friends and explain "why." I'm not ready to share publicly all of the fall out, but I will provide a glance into my life for the past few months for those of you that would like to read.

In May, I was lucky enough to get an opportunity to work on a very high profile case in my area. A case that was both heart wrenching and a ton of work. I was spending close to every free moment I had at the offices of a team of lawyers, picking up any job that literally anyone needed me to do. It was a great opportunity for me but we ultimately lost the case. It's strange that this seems like a million years ago compared to the rest.

At the beginning of July, my father had a massive heart attack at work. My father was around 400 pounds when he had his heart attack and he nearly died. He spent 14 days in ICU and then slipped into a coma state for another 4 days. Heart attacks very seldom lead to a coma. We thought that we were going to lose him. I spent almost every single moment in the hospital for the entire month of July. Slowly, more brain activity seemed to be happening. It's not like in the movies where someone just "wakes up." But he did come around and the doctor advised that we do very quiet, calming activities with him like read and listen to music etc. So I did. Thank goodness, it was summer for me and I didn't have my normal class load of work.

In August, he came home but it was necessary that he still have 24 hour supervision for a while. So I stayed at home with him until I had to go back to school. I expected that this year would be better than the first in terms of work, but I was sorely mistaken. I was quickly bogged down in hours and hours of work. To the point, where I would read my assignments to my Dad just so I could do everything I needed to do. It has been a struggled to say the least. And very trying of my own mental state and toughness.

And I'm sure at this point you're thinking, "well you could have at least jumped on the computer and told us what was up." And I don't really have a good answer or excuse for not doing so. I have missed you all terribly but I was just going through a time where the only thing that I could think of was taking care of another person, and not myself. It ultimately put me in a terrible mental state and I had to fight through that as well. I'm sorry for any pain I have caused, as it was certainly not my purpose to do that either. I'm not sure how much I can be around now, but I am willing to try if you all are willing to have me.

Yours,
Daisy
 
Well...good news is I am still writing and I have been doing so all night. This brief may very well be the death of me. I am ready to jump off of a very very high bridge. One diet soda, one 16 ounce sugar free red bull, one 5-hour energy later. And 25 pages of legal analysis. Disgusting. I can't even make sentences anymore that make sense. Please help me get through this.
 
Tonight I want to sit in a bubble bath with candles and listen to my new record. Instead, I have hours of reading to do after I read to my Padre. Also, I miss my boo. I hope everyone had a good day. I'm just happy to be alive and have the ones I love still in my life. I finally feel like I've come to the other side of the storm and the sunshine on my skin is more than enough for now.

<3 Daisy <3
 
Hustling like crazy to get all my work done for today. Perhaps looking for some new roleplays soon, I hear my muse again, finally! I know I have several PMs to go through, so I'm sorry if I have missed yours and/or haven't yet replied. Be patient w/ me. It's a beautiful day to be alive and healthy!!!
 
How do you break a cycle? Why are we such creatures of habit? Many times in my life, I can see myself unfolding, it's like I can see the spiral into old habits but am unable to move fast enough to change anything. I think I have such an addictive personality and I don't know where it comes from. Not addiction to anything physically harmful (hard drugs etc) but just addicted to the same old cycle. It's such a definite struggle for me between head, heart, and emotion. I know that emotion is closely related to the heart but for me it's a bit different. High emotions are ever-controlling for me. And the actions that closely follow are almost always ones that I regret, no matter how raw and real the fall out ends up being. This is a huge problem for me. It's almost like some sort of fatal flaw. Just once, I want someone to love me for not only my positive characteristics, but even for the flaws. And not say "here you go falling into your old habits." Habits are habits for a reason and I am the first to admit that there are many things about myself that I would like to tweak and refine, but having someone throw it in your face is like having hot grease fling up from a pan and hit your arm. There is a part of me that questions is that love at all? Or is this a situation where someone loves you for the parts that are beneficial and "good" and needs you to change all the rest to suit their personalities and wants.

I've always been someone who loved attention. Is this a terribly irritating characteristic to others? Sometimes, I'm certain of it. How am I certain? Because sometimes it irritates me when it comes back around to bite me in the ass. I want to be an independent woman who goes to sleep at night knowing that all I need is my family, my dog, and my friends. But there has always been that needy pull for a man to need and want me. There's nothing better than having the opposite sex tell you how beautiful and how they would go to the lengths of the world for you (even if it's not all true). That need doesn't stem from any traumatic childhood experiences or not having a father who loved me etc etc. I'm not sure where that need comes from, and I need to soul search some to figure it out.

But how does one start that process? I feel my heart aching for the answer to that question. I'm sure lack of self-confidence plays in there somewhere. But I'm not what I would refer to as a "broken self-concious" individual, but rather there are many things I like about myself and can carry forward with much confidence. There are things I know I am good and talented at and I do my best to highlight those things. Maybe the answer just goes back to, how can I expect someone to love me without conditions when I place so many conditions on myself when it comes to loving me? Again, though, how do I let go of those conditions? I have no clue. I'm in terrible need of guidance and have no idea where to even look for it...it's like being lost in the middle of the desert with no map or cell phone. So, what do you do in that situation? I guess you just keep walking. So, that's what I am going to do. Just keep walking and hope that things fall into place.
 
Life seems to be getting back on track. Dad is doing well and I feel so much more relaxed than I have for the past few months. Balance is so important to me and I haven't had it for a while. Some of that was my fault, as I had a lot of anxiety about coming back after being gone for so long. Some of that anxiety has been justified but I have learned I should have had so much more faith in my love for Scott. I don't know what I did to deserve a man like that in my life, someone that stands by me and comforts me no matter what, but I am so grateful to have him. It's interesting when you understand someone on a different level, no matter what my head says, my heart always leads the way when it comes to him. For all my faults, he can't help but love me and that is so much more than any girl should ever ask for.

School has settled down just for a few days. It has been a really really intense semester for me, full of hard work. I have a 20 minute oral argument next week that I should start preparing for but I almost feel like I need to use this down time to catch my breath mentally and physically. I've started a new diet so I am going to hopefully detox for the next couple of weeks. I've lost weight b/c of the stress but need to get my portions and vitamins back in order. Not to mention getting back to the gym...bleh. My lips are sooo chapped. Back to reading.
 
Open communication has been good lately. I feel that I can still express the things that I feel are inappropriate at this stage and reactions have been open and reassuring. I don't feel that I have to act on anything, but rather just let time take its course. I can concentrate on getting my relationship back in line, and not worry about the rest. I feel loved, protected, and encouraged.
 
That's because you are loved, protected, and encouraged. Even if we have a lot of things to figure out, all I know is that I love you, and I want to support you on working it all out. You're not the only one who's blessed, and even if we make mistakes, the effort to make up for those mistakes is what makes the difference. You've been doing a lot to make up for something that in a way was understandable to me, having been in your position before. You don't have anything to prove to me. I know you love me, and I love you. If this is meant to be, then it will be, and nobody will stop that from happening.

I, for one, choose to believe it is, that there's a reason we find people after losing them. Whatever you need of me, I'll be right here to offer you. Whatever storms lie ahead, I want you to know you don't face them alone, and that we can make it through them. It'll be rough, rebuilding something pretty much from scratch that was so established before, but if we truly do love each other, then it'll be worth the effort completely.

And I, for one, truly love you.
 
It's been a bad day. My emotions are all over the place and I can't stop crying. The end of the semester is always difficult for me but this one is particularly so. This is by far the most unprepared I have felt so far in law school and the anxiety is almost suffocating. I don't really know why I feel so unprepared because I've done the work, I've gone to class, but I still feel that I have hours and hours of review to do before I am even close to being ready for exams. My reaction to being so overwhelmed is not one that is productive in the slightest, instead I just let my emotions take over and become a total mental block. I have to find a way to pull those emotions away so that I can regain my composure and focus. I need a big glass of suck it the fuck up and get your shit together.
 
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