¤ In the Beginning of Time� ¤
Soâ?¦this is somewhat of a typing for release, and somewhat, just becauseâ?¦well, whatever reason we all type out journals. Going to use bluemoon like my facebook or whatever. Iâ??m going to start the first journal entry with somethingâ?¦ depressing, as something in the chat had reminded me of this fact, and itâ??s on my mind at the moment. I guess Iâ??ll start from the beginning and try to keep this short, as I wouldnâ??t want to re-read a long novel.
It started when I was in high school, freshmen year. The summer before had been rather fun parties and flittered around with all my friends in the high that we were all going to the same high school. Back then, it was the
biggest thing that we would all go to different high schoolsâ??which I find funny, as college was almost devastating to us; sweat the small stuff, huh? But anyways, so in the middle of the summer, I was offered a job at a reptile store, of which was owned by my old elementary school teacher. I had known him since I was basically five years old, so I thought it was going to be fun and almost memory-revisiting. In my elementary, we had little pets in classrooms and a large orange and white python snake inside of the library. It roamed around without being caged, and if we wandered in, we could find him sitting somewhere on the bookshelves, or on the ground somewhere. Thinking back, it was a bitâ?¦farfetched and dangerous, but no one seemed to mind and parents back then didnâ??t care. The snake was harmless and had never once attacked anyone, but during story time, it would slither between kids sitting on the ground and allowed them to pet him.
But anyways, so back to the reptile store. There, I tended to the animals there, which consisted mainly of snakes, geckos, mice, crickets, tortoises, walking sticks, lizards, and frilled dragons (they were so cute <3). Most of the time, I was alone though, with my co-worker being the background guy that stacked boxes, did papers, etc. Whenever customers came in, they would see me instead of the other guy. Over the course of the year, I handled the store and cleaned around. Most of the time, there were snakes that needed to be tended to, and while some people find it cruel, most of the time, I would have to feed the snakes live mice, and check back to see if they ate it.
For almost a year, it seemed like a fun job, as I was used to snakes around me in my life. Only once had I been bitten, but it was with a small snake, and that little guy got head-bonked and released my finger. When the summer came again, I continued to work there, going about and doing the fairs that the streets had; showing off some of the little snakes for customers to see. Looking back over the time there though, I began to notice little things that were affecting my working ability. The strange â??surprise massagesâ?? that my boss popped up on me was sometimes alright, as I thought he had found me like a daughter he didnâ??t haveâ??well, he had divorced and only had a son that never visited him. As I continued to work there though, things got strange, as the guy that worked in the back got fired, which made me wonder what he had done to get fired. He had been rather fun to talk to during breaks, and we had had a date once before; mainly to get to know each other as co-workers.
Almost a month after the guy had been fired, my boss was around much moreâ??obvious, as there was no one else to do work around there. At least, thatâ??s what I brushed it off as. He would still continue the random massages that were mainly shoulders and back, which I will admit, I thought was alright, since a massage was a massage. Just little rubs on the shoulders whenever he passed by, and whatever. It became strange soon though, as he began to rub my stomach, and a few times, brushed across my breasts. The first time, I didnâ??t think much about it; brushing it off as a slip of the hand as he moved to rub my shoulders. Now, I admit I shouldnâ??t have allowed him to massage me in general, as it was strange as it was. But in my mind at the time (I was aboutâ?¦fifteen at the time), this was someone that I saw like a second father, and my dad used to stand behind me whenever I was doing something, patted my shoulders, and sometimes when I was doing homework, he would massage my shoulders and tell me how proud he was of me. Yes, my parents are saps, and they arenâ??t all traditional Asians. For two people who had escaped the Vietnam war, struggled in another country as teenagers, and married in the early twenties, they are wonderful people and grand parents.
So, it was nothing that I thought too much of. When the touches got a bit personal though, just directed up at my upper body, it began to make me uncomfortable. I began to avoid the touches in general, not knowing what it was, but knowing that I didnâ??t like it. I was rather sheltered in this time of my life, as my parents were protective, and at the same time, no one that I had known had been through or spoken about this. School hadnâ??t mentioned anything about such things before, so this was all new to me. It began to make me not want to go to work, and while I was at school once, I overhead my teacher talking about molestation. It was a health class and there were things about mentality and all, so I wasnâ??t quite caught up with the terms at the time. But when I looked back at some signs, I realized that what was making me uncomfortable was his touches were not wanted, and aimed towards a sexual direction that made me uncomfortable.
Of course, I quite as soon as I could, and never even went to visit him or even talked to him. My parents are still in the dark about it, but I have told my sister. I began to ask for my dad to stop hovering over my shoulder to praise me, which he was confused at, but looked like he brushed it off as â??his little girl growing upâ?? (Iâ??m the younger/est sister). I know I should tell my parents or should have went to the authorities about it, but it was something I wasnâ??t ready to face and admit, but the guy that was my co-worker found out, and met with me. He learned about that as well, as he had always senses something strange. Seeing that I didnâ??t want to come out as a girl who had been molested, he moved to take the burden for me, and reported that the boss had molested co-workersâ??mentioning other girls in the past, that surprisingly, had testified.
I was part of the group, but I didnâ??t speak up, as I realized, I was the youngest there. A small part of me didnâ??t
want to speak up though, as there were still some emotion conflicts that I had. Here was a man that I had saw as a second father, someone that had been my teacher since I was younger, a family friend almost, and someone I had trusted to help me guide me through small pockets of my life. The offer of the job was to be my first job and get me rolling, so I was thrilled at the time. As Iâ??ve said, I had never even touched subject with this in any area of my life, so it was almost too easy how it had happened. I wish I had been able to see it earlier, or I wish I had been stronger and known better. But I didnâ??t, and that was a sad fact. In Vietnam, he would have been put to death and probably justly murdered by my family, which was something that was not uncommon for the government to overlook. It was like a slap in the face and betrayal at the same time. He was trialed and proven guilty; and that was the last that I paid attention to it.
I soon found myself avoiding showers (yes, I know, gross), but I couldnâ??t stand undressing myself. For the first time, I felt
dirty by being a woman. I think, like Oreoâ??s saying of how a womanâ??s greatest power is to make a man feel like a man, it works the other way around as well. A man can make a woman feel like a woman, and while some might argue differently, itâ??s just what I thought at the time that I read that quote. Things just went downhill for a bit, as I found that I hated my body and hated to be around my own father.
Umâ?¦this got longer than I thought it would, so Iâ??ll be wrapping it up for now and maybe revisit this later. To the point though, Iâ??ve gone a long way of recovery, and at the same time, things had turned out for the better. There are still some things that make me stray away from because of memories, but I try not to think too much about it and work on recovery. I suppose that because of this incident, I have issues about a lot of random things, which sadly, this chapter in my life led to something that affected the outcome of something that had been important in my life (of which Iâ??ll visit later, as Iâ??d like to rant and get that out of my stream too).
On a closing and brighter note though, I met my boyfriend a few years after this and from then, it had been a much easier road of recovery. Hmâ?¦should probably post something happy later, as itâ??s nice to balance out. Well, Iâ??d like to say thanks to MM as well, as he was right; the rant felt a bit relieving, and getting it out of my system lets me realize that I havenâ??t just drowned in bad pockets of my life.
<3
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