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The Khaos of Kosmik (comments and questions welcomed)

Kosmik_Khaos

Kosmik_Khaos

God is empty, just like me.
Supporter
Joined
Aug 1, 2016
Location
In my happy place.
So I just need to get this out. I'm fucking depressed and it pisses me off. I have had an amazing week, a great day, and like half an hour ago my mood just bottoms out and I feel like a worthless sack of shit for no God damned reason.

If my life had a face I would punch it in the dick. Hard.

Anyways, to anyone reading this I hope you are having a safe and fun New Year.
 
RE: The Khaos of Kosmik

Welcome to 2017 the "Year of the Badass!" This year I'm going to make myself better because I can, and want to. Anyone that reads this should try the same thing. We are all awesome, let's step it up and be Badasses this year.
 
RE: The Khaos of Kosmik

I met this amazing person at the tail end of 2016. This meeting has easily been the best thing to happen to me in a long time. They have made an indescribable impact on my life in the short time I have be blessed to know them and I hope that somehow I am able to return even the smallest modicum of joy they have brought into my existence. I also have hope that this friendship that we are cultivating will have deep roots and grow into something long lasting and wondrous that will survive for years to come.

Thank you for being you and choosing to accept my friendship and returning it. You know who you are and I hope if you see this you will brighten this world with your smile.
 
RE: The Khaos of Kosmik

Feeling good today, really tired but good.

Woke up at my normal 4 in the AM and lazed about until 5 in the AM, got ready for and went to work. I work at ATD. A basic description of my job is I get tires thrown at me from the back of a truck all day, and I get to stack them nice and neat on pallets for someone else to put up in the ware house. Don't worry, they don't actually throw them at me. They more roll them with force. Today I stacked about 1500 of those black round fuckers. They vary in size and weight, from as little as a 10 lbs to pushing 300 lbs. It's a simple job but hard work. Well after I spend my day getting tires thrown at me I started my first day going to the gym with my roommate. My arms feel like jelly, and I get to go into work tomorrow to catch tires and when I get off... you guessed it. Back to the gym.

Here is to getting myself better in 2017. The first few weeks is going to suck all kinds of balls but I deserve to be treated better and if I don't start doing it for myself then how can I expect anyone else to treat me better?
 
I haven't had a cigarette this year. I am rather happy with myself about that but right now I really, REALLY want one. I don't know if I should fight off the craving (which is probably the best idea) or give in a have one. I mean quitting cold turkey sucks all kinds of balls and today has been the first day that I have even wanted one. I mean yeah I've thought about having one while on break, or driving to work/home but I haven't WANTED to smoke, just thought about it. I'm kinda hoping that venting my current craving will help me get through it.... so far it's not working like I would like it to.
 
*jumps into your lap and hugs you*
<333333

What a nice little journal you have going on here. : )

And about your recent deal with smoking...well, I'm actually married to one. He still hasn't fully quit, but wants to eventually. He's hilarious because he HATES others watching him do it. Especially me and the kids. He's never smoked in front of our kids ever and they are still clueless that he even does. But anyway, when I met him, he was smoking upward of a pack and a half a day. Now, it's only one or two a day. And sometimes he won't smoke at all on any given day. It depends. But he's made rules for himself. Like never inside or in a car, never in front of me and/or the kids, never when visiting family. It's been a slow build for him and I don't nag. He knows my thoughts so why batter him over the head and more so when I know he wants to fully quit. Point is, you can do it and whatever pace is right for you. You've got me as your cheerleader, hehe. Plus, you've got to stick around. I'd be sad if you didn't. <333

Anyhow, hope your New Year has started off well now that we've got the first week under our belts. XD
 
*Hugs and cuddles*

Thank you. I finally decided to use a place that i have been comfortable with to begin with to start venting some of the things that I just need to get out.

Well I personally HATE everything out it. The smell, the taste, the cost, all of it. I have good and bad coping mechanisms, with some recent events going on in life I've found my good coping mechanisms have been able to take me a very long way but not quite all the way. And if I had to choose any of my bad coping skills I would rather for the one that is the least damaging and I dislike doing the most so that I can put it down when things level out and I can go back to only the good.

It started off fairly well, it was just some bullshit at the end of last year that has kinda slid into the beginning of this year that I am trying to finish dealing with.
 
Kosmik_Khaos said:
I haven't had a cigarette this year. I am rather happy with myself about that but right now I really, REALLY want one. I don't know if I should fight off the craving (which is probably the best idea) or give in a have one. I mean quitting cold turkey sucks all kinds of balls and today has been the first day that I have even wanted one. I mean yeah I've thought about having one while on break, or driving to work/home but I haven't WANTED to smoke, just thought about it. I'm kinda hoping that venting my current craving will help me get through it.... so far it's not working like I would like it to.
Click to expand...

My friend who quit cold turkey told me - the nicotine is like a demon you will feel the pull of the demon for up to 30 days after your last smoke. you wont die without it. Dont let it be in control.

Dominante the nicodemon. Dont let it dominate you.

i have my own little addiction im looking for help with but i think you already know that *whistles innocently*
 
Nice little vent journal you have going on here *hugs*

I know what it's like to be depressed for no reason, that shit just creeps up on you and eats at your soul! And don't even get me started on pills, they don't do crap. Anyway, good luck on the quitting of the cigarettes, its tough to break. My thing will be trying to cut out alcohol (not happening so far!), but I guess those are two vices that are so hard to break. But good luck, and remember the cigarettes don't rule you, you rule the cigarettes!
 
Oh I had quite for over two years. Quitting again will not be an issue at all. It's just with the stress I have been dealing with over the last few months I chose to take up a bad habit I can control instead of letting my inner demons take control again and do something I will regret. It's been about a year and a half since my last incident where I blacked out and cut myself. So between waking up to a puddle of blood and a lost chunk of time, or lighting up a square I'll take the square every time. But things are beginning to level out and I have only had a few this year, and probably finished only three or four of the ones I started smoking.

I thank you all for you well wishes and support. It will be a great help in me keeping myself on kilter and away from my bad coping skills in the future.
 
So I have been snowed in at my friends house for the last two and a half days. It's been pretty chill no pun intended. I consider these people family and have for years. I've lived with all of them before, in fact the four of us used to share and apartment at one time, and I have lived with them on separate occasions. So it's really been like being snowed in at home.

I hope that everyone who has gotten snow and ice are being safe and having a lovely time with the weather.
 
That inexplicable feeling of the world falling away from under your feet with the gnawing, nagging sensation of impending ruin looming over your head.
 
I've given up pretty much all my vices. I don't drink anymore and haven't for a couple years, I don't smoke anymore, haven't smoked ham since sometime last year and I've been days since last half a cigarette. The first two I did on my own, the last one was brought about by someone special. I've been offered bit cigs and ganj in the last couple of days and I've managed to say no to all offers. I would like say thank-you to that airfield person for helping me resist.

Though i now have a new addiction and this one isn't bad at all. Other than I start late to indulge and it makes washing up dumb ass early a slightly bigger pain than it already is. But my addiction is so worth it. I'm feeling happy again because of it. It has given me a new purpose and focus in life, a new goal to achieve and something wonderful look forward to. Put plainly, it's nice. Very very nice indeed.
 
Sometimes I feel incomplete. Like a piece of me is missing. On those occasions I find myself sitting around trying to put my finger on just what it is that I am missing. I have a sneaking suspicion that it is my mind, but I'm not entirely sure.... <.< yeah, it's probably my mind.
 
In pain. Mood bottomed out. Tired as fuck. Feeling lost. Welcome to the Melancholy Maze. Might just call it an early night if I can manage to sleep.

Love, peace and happiness everyone.
 
So I currently work as a temp at American Tire Distributors. I help load the AM routes first thing in the morning, it's not a normal part of a temps job but I learned to do it anyways because I wanted to get hired on. My normal duties are to stack tires that are lumped off a truck. Either between our trucks or after depending on timing I sweep the warehouse. Most days I leave after that, sometimes i get to stay and help load the PM delivery routes.

On Friday the plant manager was fixing my timecard and he commented on my hours and generally how few I had for hire much extra work I offer to do. So he told me to plan on staying late Monday for an interview. I'm really excited about getting this job. I've gotten tired of having to work temp jobs and having a full time job will be great.
 
And the award for being the biggest fuck up in the cosmos goes to *super dramatic drum roll* Surprise surprise, me!

Thank you, thank you one and all. It's an honour to be receiving this illustrious award again and so early into the new year at that.

I think I'm going to go find my life so I can beat it's fucking head in with a rock.
 
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck me! Fuck my life! Fuck my astounding ability to fuck up being happy! Just FUCK!

I believe I have accurately articulated my current state mind. Sorry for worrying anyone. I'll get through this slump. I always do.
 
I just found a nearly two inch long cut on my left knee and that bothers me. It doesn't hurt, in fact I don't feel it at all, When I found it the blood wasn't dried none of that bothers me. What bothers me is for over an hour I've been laying in my bed watching a movie and There is absolutely nothing around me that is sharp.
 
Finished the movie I was watching, Rupture. It was weird as shit but I liked it. I'm going to attempt to find solace in sleep, if I can convince my headmeat to chill the fuck out long enough to go to sleep that is.

Goodnight friends, may you all have the most pleasant of dreams. I myself am hoping for a dreamless night.
 
I'm ready for tomorrow to over already. I want to know if I get this job or not already. Why can't I get spoilers for real life events it would take away the stress of wondering what's going to happen.

In other news my mood has been good today and only for better as the day progressed. I wanna drop a huge thank-you to the wonderful person that helped facilitate that.
 
I am merely the product
Of the life that I've lived
An amalgam of sorrows
And the wisdom they give

But the weight has grown heavy
And it's dragging me down
It's so hard not to sink now
But I don't want to drown

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed this far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed for now
But I don't think I can face this on my own

There is beauty in hardship
There are poems in grief
There are trials we must go through
Though they may shake our beliefs

But I don't know how I got here
Lost in the cynical dusk
Set adrift in the worry
That I've no one to trust

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed this far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed for now
But I don't think I can face this on my own

If to suffer is holy
I'll take my share of the pain
I can swim through this sadness
If there's something to gain

I can reach for the surface
And try to pull myself free
But the last thing I want is
To drag you down here with me

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed this far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home

I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed for now
But I don't think I can face this on my own
 
The song to the lyrics I posted above. I couldn't get youtube to work while at work so I just posted the lyrics instead. I love this song, and band for that.

[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kilcsodvF6U[/video]
 
So I didn't have my interview yesterday or today. We are currently short on people, with 3 openings and a supervisor out on medical leave we are pressed for time, the warehouse manager has been out on a lift with the rest of us regular employees to help pick up the slack. He did tell me today that he will be interviewing me this week though.
 
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