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GenericUltramarineFanboy
Guillimen's Bestest Boy
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2016
- Location
- Eastern United States
I have recently been trying to improve my writing capabilities, for the sake of being a better role-playing partner. I have been trying to lengthen my posts, use wider vocabulary, and I was curious if some of you grammar Nazis and writing critiques wouldn't mind giving me some feedback on an intro I wrote for an rp I started recently. Please, don't hold back your criticism. Just please try to be constructive. I appreciate it!
White...
Everything seemed white. Nakai glanced about his surrounding. It was the middle of winter, and everything was coated in snow. The trees, the ground, everything. Even Nakai had to shake off the snow, he had been standing in a daze for the past fifteen minutes. A note, left by a stranger, told him to meet them at this spot after classes. And here Hisao stood, waiting silently. Then, he saw her... Iwanako. A second year student just like him, and the girl he had a crush on since middle school. Hisao's throat ran dry, his heart began to pound in the back of his head. Was this what it was like, being with someone you cared so much for? No... This was different. He saw her lips moving, but no words came out. Vision went hazy, heart pounded faster. Hisao tried his best to calm his heart down, but to no avail. Then it started to hurt. At first, it felt like a sharp jab with a needle, then progressively got worst, until it felt like someone was pressing a hot brand against his heart. Hisao released a scream of pain, collapsing forward. One hand clutched his chest, while the other weakly prevented him from falling fast first into the snow. "Hisao!?..." Was the last thing he heard, before it all faded away.
White... Everything was white, but this was different. Unlike the serenity of the snow covered landscape, Hisao opened his eyes to the sight of a hospital room ceiling. 'How long have I been out? What happened? Where is Iwanako?' These were all thoughts that rushed into his head. To his right, the heart monitor beeped in pace with his heart beat. But it sounded off... Not like the steady beep in those late night hospital dramas. It would beep in odd intervals, with a little stutter every now and then. 'Is that... What my heart sounds like?' Before he could continue this line of thought, the doctor came in, prepared to explain young Hisao's condition to the now awake patient.
Arrhythmia... A nasty word. One you don't want to be in the same room with. He had a weak heart. Any over exertion, high heart rate, hell, even a solid smack to his heart could be near fatal. Hisao, a young man at the age of 17, being told all of this was pretty much a slap to the face. His life was pretty much over as soon as it was to start. He spent 5 months in that hospital, being medicated and watched closely, the large scar down the center of his chest would never fully fade. He started to slowly lose hope, falling into a lonely depression after everyone but his parents stopped visiting him.
This day was like any other. He woke up, showered himself, and laid in bed, reading a book he has already finished for the nth time. The doctor came in, took his blood pressure, and gave him his medication. But then, he said something that almost gave Hisao another heart attack. "Well, I think you'll be able to leave tomorrow, Hisao." The doctor commented with a smile. Hisao's head snapped to him, searching his eyes for any sign that he might be lying. Or pulling some cruel joke. But it was all true. "However... I think it would be best we transfer you from your old school. It wouldn't be safe there for someone in your condition. I have discussed with your parents, and they are in agreement... We are transferring you to Yamaku High." He said proudly. Hisao's dumbfounded stare showed he knew nothing about such a school. The doctor continued regardless. "It's a school designed to cater to students with physical disabilities, without hindering their opportunity to relieve a good education." Hisao felt his stomach twist in knots. Physically disabled... Hisao had never thought he would be classified as "Physically Disabled" But here he was, sitting in a hospital bed hearing it from a doctor. The doctor continued to ramble about the school, but it went in one ear and out the other as Hisao pondered what a school full of disabled people would be like. Wheelchairs? Deformities? He tried to imagine for a brief moment, but quickly stopped, not liking what his mind made it look like.
It wasn't two days later that Hisao stood at the large gate to Yamaku High, his luggage in his hands. On top of the usual, he also had to pack several different medications to alleviate his condition. And 'several' was an understatement. 11 pills to be taken in the morning, and another 11 before bed. It seemed like a bit much, but he already agreed to take it. With a deep breath, he gathered his courage and stepped into his new life. First things first, the dormitories to drop his things off. Most if not all students lived on campus, where they had ready access to medical personnel if something should happen. After dropping his things in his very modest room, Hisao made for the main difference building, where a teacher was already waiting.
"Ah, greetings. My name is Mr. Mutou. I am your homeroom and science teacher. A pleasure." Hisao just remained silent. "I know coming to a new school is always difficult, but I think you will like it here." Still no response. With a sigh of defeat, the teacher takes the boy to his classroom. It was quite a stark contrast, seeing these students compared to his old one. There was one girl missing her arm... Another had burns down the right side of her face, one in a wheelchair... Opting to just get started, Mutou sat Hisao next to the girl in a wheelchair and began his lectures. This was his new life, and Hisao was already feeling uncomfortable...
Everything seemed white. Nakai glanced about his surrounding. It was the middle of winter, and everything was coated in snow. The trees, the ground, everything. Even Nakai had to shake off the snow, he had been standing in a daze for the past fifteen minutes. A note, left by a stranger, told him to meet them at this spot after classes. And here Hisao stood, waiting silently. Then, he saw her... Iwanako. A second year student just like him, and the girl he had a crush on since middle school. Hisao's throat ran dry, his heart began to pound in the back of his head. Was this what it was like, being with someone you cared so much for? No... This was different. He saw her lips moving, but no words came out. Vision went hazy, heart pounded faster. Hisao tried his best to calm his heart down, but to no avail. Then it started to hurt. At first, it felt like a sharp jab with a needle, then progressively got worst, until it felt like someone was pressing a hot brand against his heart. Hisao released a scream of pain, collapsing forward. One hand clutched his chest, while the other weakly prevented him from falling fast first into the snow. "Hisao!?..." Was the last thing he heard, before it all faded away.
White... Everything was white, but this was different. Unlike the serenity of the snow covered landscape, Hisao opened his eyes to the sight of a hospital room ceiling. 'How long have I been out? What happened? Where is Iwanako?' These were all thoughts that rushed into his head. To his right, the heart monitor beeped in pace with his heart beat. But it sounded off... Not like the steady beep in those late night hospital dramas. It would beep in odd intervals, with a little stutter every now and then. 'Is that... What my heart sounds like?' Before he could continue this line of thought, the doctor came in, prepared to explain young Hisao's condition to the now awake patient.
Arrhythmia... A nasty word. One you don't want to be in the same room with. He had a weak heart. Any over exertion, high heart rate, hell, even a solid smack to his heart could be near fatal. Hisao, a young man at the age of 17, being told all of this was pretty much a slap to the face. His life was pretty much over as soon as it was to start. He spent 5 months in that hospital, being medicated and watched closely, the large scar down the center of his chest would never fully fade. He started to slowly lose hope, falling into a lonely depression after everyone but his parents stopped visiting him.
This day was like any other. He woke up, showered himself, and laid in bed, reading a book he has already finished for the nth time. The doctor came in, took his blood pressure, and gave him his medication. But then, he said something that almost gave Hisao another heart attack. "Well, I think you'll be able to leave tomorrow, Hisao." The doctor commented with a smile. Hisao's head snapped to him, searching his eyes for any sign that he might be lying. Or pulling some cruel joke. But it was all true. "However... I think it would be best we transfer you from your old school. It wouldn't be safe there for someone in your condition. I have discussed with your parents, and they are in agreement... We are transferring you to Yamaku High." He said proudly. Hisao's dumbfounded stare showed he knew nothing about such a school. The doctor continued regardless. "It's a school designed to cater to students with physical disabilities, without hindering their opportunity to relieve a good education." Hisao felt his stomach twist in knots. Physically disabled... Hisao had never thought he would be classified as "Physically Disabled" But here he was, sitting in a hospital bed hearing it from a doctor. The doctor continued to ramble about the school, but it went in one ear and out the other as Hisao pondered what a school full of disabled people would be like. Wheelchairs? Deformities? He tried to imagine for a brief moment, but quickly stopped, not liking what his mind made it look like.
It wasn't two days later that Hisao stood at the large gate to Yamaku High, his luggage in his hands. On top of the usual, he also had to pack several different medications to alleviate his condition. And 'several' was an understatement. 11 pills to be taken in the morning, and another 11 before bed. It seemed like a bit much, but he already agreed to take it. With a deep breath, he gathered his courage and stepped into his new life. First things first, the dormitories to drop his things off. Most if not all students lived on campus, where they had ready access to medical personnel if something should happen. After dropping his things in his very modest room, Hisao made for the main difference building, where a teacher was already waiting.
"Ah, greetings. My name is Mr. Mutou. I am your homeroom and science teacher. A pleasure." Hisao just remained silent. "I know coming to a new school is always difficult, but I think you will like it here." Still no response. With a sigh of defeat, the teacher takes the boy to his classroom. It was quite a stark contrast, seeing these students compared to his old one. There was one girl missing her arm... Another had burns down the right side of her face, one in a wheelchair... Opting to just get started, Mutou sat Hisao next to the girl in a wheelchair and began his lectures. This was his new life, and Hisao was already feeling uncomfortable...