Ya know, feeling suck.
I know why it happened. I understand. And I respect the decision. But it doesn't change me feeling like a defective human being. If I wasn't so deep in my depression, I could have been helpful to you. And maybe things would have been different.
But the depression controls more and more of me. I push my friends away because things don't feel "right". I lost you because things didn't feel "right".
I find myself feeling a little bitter too. Because of something you said to me once, that kinda fell through. I dunno why I feel bitter, because I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel bitter.
But don't get me wrong. I don't hate. Don't think I'll ever be able to hate you. God, I wish I could, because it would be easier to move past this, but I don't. And I won't. No matter how hard I wish it, I can't hate you. Hell, I dunno that I can even keep myself from talking to you. In fact, I know, if you gave me the chance, I would continue to talk to you any chance I got.
I wish I could cut you out and try to heal the hurt, but I can't. It's not your fault, don't take this as me pointing fingers. But you weren't the better option for me, though you said you wanted to be. And I wasn't for you.
If I were stronger, more patient, maybe I could have dealt with the alternative provided by you. But the offer was such a long time. And I couldn't live with just knowing it could be, but it wasn't, for that long.
And I wouldn't be able to fill that time with someone else either. It'd feel wrong towards that person that I filled the time with, and towards the situation as a whole. I'd feel like I was leading them on, just waiting for a chance at you. That's something I couldn't forgive myself for.
God, I wish I was stronger. If I thought being alone wouldn't kill me in the time span you put out there, I would've gone for it. No questions asked. Hands down. But I'm too weak. I know what would happen. I would lose it and do something I'd regret.
All I have is regrets now. I regret that I love so quick. I regret that I loved so thoroughly, because now it's just boiled down into a hurt that I know is gonna be there for a long time. It's shouldn't be possible to have loved this quick. It shouldn't be. But I did. And I regret it. Because now all I'm left to do is hurt.
I don't regret the time spent, or that I put so much of my heart on the line, because I was happy then, there with you. Things felt right. But in the same breath, I do regret it, because now I feel lost. I gave something to you that I can never get back, and I regret doing so when I see that between the two of us, maybe we just didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell.
There are so many conflicting feelings and thoughts inside. And they are at a war which is just tearing me all apart. Times like these, I wish I had no soul to feel with, because that would just have nipped this whole problem squarely in the bud.
I loved the way you made me feel. Not just physically. But you built me up so very much. I loved the way it felt knowing someone cared and thought so highly of me. I loved the way you were protective of me, and how you got your hackles up when someone hurt me, because I knew you cared enough. And I cared back. I just failed at protecting you in anyway.
I couldn't help you even a little bit. I couldn't help myself. And for that, I hate myself. Realizing that my weakness and inability to cope with the depression cost me so much. I hate myself.
I wish I could've been so much better for you. That's another thing I regret. I couldn't do anything for you despite the amazing things you did for me.
This is probably the last time I will ever say it, because it's the last time there will be any reason, but I love you.
I know you probably won't see this. Which may be just as good. I don't want to guilt you. But this is going to be a part of the healing process for me.
I'll post this journal, with all my thoughts, my feelings, and my hurt, and then I'll close my heart to it from this point on. I'll be friends, and I'll talk, if you want to talk with me, but ya know, I don't wanna damage things any worse than they are already.
I want to be your friend. I really do. But I never want to cause you anymore difficulties. You deserve so much better.
I'm sorry. I guess that's all there is left to say. I gave you the image of a strong woman you could rely on. But I couldn't be as strong as I thought I was in the end. I'm sorry for that, and for everything else.
I'm sorry.
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