Why RP partners are so UNRELIABLE (a friendly rant about myself)

[Temptationist]

So get this,

You like someone's request, ideas, concept, etc. You hit them up on PM. You get something started up; you're really excited. Things get going and BAM, your roleplay partner starts to respond inconsistently, or hasn't responded at all. He/she may or may not still be active elsewhere on BlueMoon. HOW UNRELIABLE! WHAT BLASPHEMY!

Me. This person is me, always.

AND HERE I'M ABOUT TO DEFEND MYSELF, KK?

Here's why I may be unreliable (things I'm sure many of you can relate to):

1) Life sucks. It just sucks sometimes. Life throws a fit, kicks your ass, and suddenly you've not only got a dozen roleplays to reply to, but you've a million other headaches to worry about. I got 99 problems and an RP aint one (I'm funny, eh?).

2) BlueMoon isn't my only pastime. I have other activites, other thngs to do. I have ran into a period of less free time.

3) I have work, school, social and family events, whatever.

So far, these are all pretty similar excuses, right!?
Well how about this one:

4) I'm unreliable because I can't just pull literature out of my ass. Really, I can't. Some people can bang out replies in minutes. Me? Not so much. I take my time with my writing; put all of my effort in it. I strive to have every post be an individual masterpiece - a work of art. Narcissistic? Maybe.

5) I have to be inspired to write. I have to FEEL it. Maybe I just don't feel the RP in any given moment. Maybe I just need time, and patience.

6) MAYBE I'M JUST FUCKING LAZY, K? Maybe I just don't feel like answering right away. Maybe I want to fuck around on BM (pun totally intended) and not reply right now.

7) I'm an independent writing snob. I do whatever the fuck I want when I want to.


ANNNNDDDDDDD,
That about sums it up.

So, what's YOUR EXCUSE?

 

[Fruit]

Just my two cents:

I'm very flexible with my partners. I can wait for weeks for a reply if I enjoy the RP well enough. Though if someone plans to vanish for a while, I do expect a heads up. Especially if the hiatus is indefinite, or if they don't plan to continue the RP. I have terminated RPs I stopped enjoying, and have had partners do the same. No hard feelings; we still say hi sometimes. Though I do get pissed when someone vanishes without warning.

I don't know whether this applies to you or not because we've never RPed, I'm just saying how I feel on the matter generally.

 

[Temptationist]

Just my two cents:

I'm very flexible with my partners. I can wait for weeks for a reply if I enjoy the RP well enough. Though if someone plans to vanish for a while, I do expect a heads up. Especially if the hiatus is indefinite, or if they don't plan to continue the RP. I have terminated RPs I stopped enjoying, and have had partners do the same. No hard feelings; we still say hi sometimes. Though I do get pissed when someone vanishes without warning.

I don't know whether this applies to you or not because we've never RPed, I'm just saying how I feel on the matter generally.

ABDOLUTELY. Communication is key.
A hiatus is vastly longer than waiting a week, or maybe even two for a reply. At least in my opinion. Maybe that's different for people.

Roleplays are just not as disposable to me as I think for many other RPers who have a craving, get it immediately out of their system, and move on. My RPs are always heavily story based so losing interest... that usually never happens to me.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Really great thread idea! I had a similar idea for a thread on the opposite side of the coin, the "how toxic expectations can ruin an rp partnership" but it came off as too know-it-all preachy to just make it a topic that I expected people to read and comment on. Still, I like the idea of bringing back some perspective to the rp sphere when it comes to relationships and how we treat each other.

Several years ago, I was in an rp partnership with a great gal and we had an rp for a little over 3 years. We wrote long ass ridiculous posts for it, I drew it into a comic book at one point, produced tons of artwork for it, and I visited her in real life twice, once with my mom in tow and another time with my ex husband. There was a lot of depth of feeling between us. The project was gargantuan and we were both very proud of it.

But I was an insecure asshole. At that time in my life, I didn't have a job, home alone all day and night because my husband didn't give a shit. I was depressed and extremely insecure and I didn't really have anything else to occupy my time; even when I got a job, the rp and the escape it provided, the validation I got from my partner were a bit like a drug for me. And I developed some very toxic patterns of behavior.

So, she'd post and it would be wonderful and we'd gush about it, then I'd quickly post within 2-3 days, and she'd gush over it with me, making me feel great and good about myself. Then she'd give me a ballpark estimate of when she'd get the post to me, within the week. Thing was, with me home all day, she had school, a job, and a social life on top of the rp, so, sometimes it wouldn't turn out the way she'd roughly planned and I'd be counting the minutes to the exact second for when she said she'd do the thing. And I took that shit extremely personally. But I was such a ballless piece of shit, I wouldn't even approach her about it half the time. I'd assume, despite her deadline coming and going, that I was being unreasonable to even ask her about the rp, even though everything within me desperately wanted to. I'd resist this need to prompt her until it got to a crescendo within my head, until in my delusion, she wasn't even a real person anymore, but a fiend who was either intentionally misleading me to emotionally torture me, or she was just too fucking nice to finally hit send on the carefully worded rejection letter that she'd been busily writing all this time. I'd finally burst through and confront her, martyring myself on the stake of our rp, giving it all up because I just "knew" she wasn't really interested and she didn't have to say it, I'd save her that burden... meanwhile, blaming her completely for being the one throwing this wonderful story away and how I just wasn't good enough to live up to her "standards"(you know, the ones she never set). And her response was.... "...wut? I am in the middle of writing my post right now? What is going on? Where is this coming from?"

I was so desperate not to lose her and the rp that instantly, all would be forgiven but I'd hang onto this martyrdom act she'd "made me go through" and nurse it for each time we had another post lag. She was so great and wonderful and I was so worthless in my mind, that I couldn't believe in myself and my ability to maintain her interest, nor in my right to do so. So every other interest she had, whether she went out with friends for an evening at the movies, or had other rps, it was all seen as a blow to myself, things and people she liked that were better than me and threatened her willingness to stay. And I continued this pattern of emotional abuse for a long time with her, her constantly having to sit me down and drawn out long letters trying to prove to me her loyalty, trying to talk some goddamn sense into me, trying to help me gain some perspective. I always promised I'd "gotten it" that time, promised to reread the notes she sent me that poured her heart out the next time I felt insecure but I never did. I kept them in folders and never looked at them again after the current crisis had finally died down.

I bring this up to offer up a different side of the coin, the rp partner who cannot understand and doesn't have the perspective that was lined up in the OP. I've been through therapy and rehab and gotten my shit together, and since breaking up with that old rp partner, I've encountered a couple of folks who took pages from my old playbook. It's not terribly common but they crop up every once in a while and there's not much to be said for these types of people except some professional help might be in order. I'm not being facetious, it seriously took me some hard therapy to break free of this cycle of toxic neediness and even still, sometimes it comes back up in different shades to different people in different scenarios.

Mostly, I just wanted to add my two cents, since a friend of mine recently came to me flabbergasted by an exact copy of my old self trying to go through one of those martyr scenarios with her and it upset her greatly. She had no idea what she was looking at and it was incredibly disconcerting because she, like my old rp partner, spent a lot of time trying to reevaluate "what she did wrong". Nothing. There is nothing wrong with doing any of the stuff outlined in the OP and communication is great but nobody owes you a blueprint of their daily plans or an explanation for why "our rp isn't on the freaking list". Demanding such is abusive and toxic. Ask for what you want to know but don't badger and bully people over a few hours or a few days. Trust your rp partners. I know it is hard when people flake on you over and over again but expecting the worse of someone because something bad happens to you all the time is not going to make someone more loyal or more willing to be with you. That's like, because you've been cheated on before, demanding to be able to read your boyfriend's texts and know when and where he's going to be and who with and if he doesn't tell you, then HE MUST BE UP TO SOMETHING!!!11

This is about partnership and I think some people forget that. This isn't someone in the way of you getting your perfect fantasy lived out or your story told; this is someone who is helping you create it. There's so much animosity towards our prospective partners, right off the bat, everything they must be and shouldn't do, it's like we're looking for every excuse just to write the damn thing alone.

Really, excellent thread idea. Nobody should feel the need to justify their choices when they commit one of the opening post's "crimes". This is the norm and we need to make more people aware of it. We also need to make more people aware that the abuse of a passive aggressive, bully martyr, is not something you have to deal with.

 

[Temptationist]

This is about partnership and I think some people forget that.

I have an incredible amount of respect for everything you just wrote. Having been someone who's gone through a lot, I know how hard it is to open up like that, and I appreciate it. I originally made this with a sort of light-hearted, let's make fun of myself sort of attitude. It was meant to be silly, but you know what? You're totally freaking right. A roleplay partner does not OWE you a response, and I think a lot of people fail to remember this. There are, certainly, expectations that cannot be avoided on both ends, and sometimes when either expectations are not met, partners face hostility, and sometimes... a termination of partnership. I hate losing a partner or irritating a partner because of how busy my schedule is. Even though, on my RP request threads, I state that I go to school, work, and run a very busy schedule - still the expectation is that I will reply every day or so. For me, that's just not possible.

I think roleplaying and story building should be fun first and foremost. If a partner becomes agitated, pressured, etc. He or she loses that sense of profound passion, interest, and the enjoyment (the core value that everyone comes here for). It is certainly a tragedy in its own when a great thing comes to an end, however, there is always more roleplays to write, stories to tell, worlds to build... Obviously, I've been stereotypically "unrealible" to most BlueMoon standards. Neverthelesss, I have found fantastic writers who are amazing in all that they do. Who are patient and kind, and who's interests lay not only in fulfilling their own personal need, but in the wonder of writing a story as a literary whole.

You've just gotta find what partner fits you most and best. What interests and expectations match yours. I've been blessed recently on BlueMoon, though, I must say. We are a supportive bunch here in the community.

 

[ShadowsLitany]

ABDOLUTELY. Communication is key.
A hiatus is vastly longer than waiting a week, or maybe even two for a reply. At least in my opinion. Maybe that's different for people.

Roleplays are just not as disposable to me as I think for many other RPers who have a craving, get it immediately out of their system, and move on. My RPs are always heavily story based so losing interest... that usually never happens to me.

Considering I am one of your partners I feel I can chime in here.

I knew you were on hiatus since you told me, you have been good about letting me know what is going on so I don't sit there and wonder, what happened. I've had rp's end where a reply never came or the partner never logged on again for awhile.

I can understand your reasons as well, though I never asked for an excuse, your simple "I'm a bit busy with life now" is fine by me. It happens, I've had times where I could not get on for a bit, I let everyone I rp with know as much as I can. Everyone writes different, that's the way it is. Some characters I have in my head well enough I can sit down, read a few lines, and bam I am in them. Others take me a little while.

Much as I find it somewhat easy to just get a reply out, sometimes I wish I had waited and then edited a reply. At times I wrote over a useful hint from a partner or thought later of a more interesting direction to go. Writing is an individual and personal act, it takes a lot out of some people more than others, you can never assume that everyone writes the same. I don't bother what someone might be doing elsewhere, I used to look and think "hey!", even get a little jealous, but then I thought what am I getting myself worked up for, my schedule is not their's. So I stopped looking.

My own time has become limited, so I can only get out a couple replies a day now, yeah life involves itself, much as I love BMR there is more to everyone's life than just here. You just need to respect that.

 

[darkangel76]

Great thread topic...I have to say I like where this is going and the things that have been brought up--AWARENESS! : )

I like to think that despite some of my quirks--and I have many--that I'm fairly decent at communicating. Sure, I can get overwhelmed by things, but those who know me, know this and know that if I do go silent for a spell it's pretty much a result of stress and overwhelm and it will be short lived. I need to process, go through my steps and I WILL come back to you. Occasionally, I'll need nudges (polite ones), but again...those who take the time to know me know this ahead of time. I tell them all up front so that these quirks don't blind side them. No, it's not flakiness or any kind of super secret. It has to do with other stuff. Stuff that's quite real and I speak about rather openly.

Anyway, I do know what it's like to have people say you're unreliable in how you post. I've had people get upset that I don't post frequently enough or that I'll suddenly spend more time on another story as opposed to their own. I've had people set ultimatums on me: post by this day or the RP is done. Thing is, with the way I function, process, etc. All of these passive aggressive behaviors cause one of two things with me--I either shut down or melt down. And sometimes I'll melt before going into shut down. And I'll tell you what...I HATE that. It exhausts me entirely and the reality of the matter is that causing me that will throw me off for days. Yes, days. Sometimes as long as a week.

Now, some of you might be shaking your head going....is she for real? Why yes. Yes, I am. I am hardly exaggerating here. I wish that I truly was. But it's the truth of the matter. I get someone pestering me, bullying me, just whatever (and then throw in a real life stressor...could be that a lot is going on that day with my family or that a lot is going on with my admin duties or that I've got multiple replies I'm mulling over...maybe my muse is really hot on one story, dying for me to write something for IT before I do elsewhere...shit happens, sorry...it is NOT personal and contrary to what my writing partners might think, I LOVE all my RPs...I wouldn't be involved in them if I didn't...hurr durr) and my brain sort of switches off. It's like an overload. I'll feel like every fiber of my body is being shredded, torn in multiple directions while I'm being suffocated alive. I'll get agitated, emotionally distraught to the point I break down and cry. You think I joke? Ummm...no. I do not. Welcome to the autistic brain, people. =/

Anyway, I could go on and on. But, point is this...if I say I'm enjoying the RP...I am. If I don't tell you I want to end it...I don't. My posting schedule can be erratic. I say this to all my writing partners straight off. I think some of them think that they'll be that special snowflake that will break through the barrier that is my brain. But guess what...no, you won't. My brain functions how it functions. No one is that special. I write how and when I write. It does not care who you are. *shrugs* The main thing to remember is that I love all my stories dearly. I value all my co-writers. If they cannot trust that........

Not my problem.

 

[AndNich123]

Oh wow. This really is a great topic. I agree with Rudolph Quin. Nobody should have to give a blueprint of their lives here. That’s insane. I’ll have partners say, “I won’t be able to reply today. It’ll be tomorrow because I’m doing blah blah blah blah.” I tell them to take their time. I have waited months on a reply because my partner was busy with something else. It was okay. I was elated to see them return and our story back on track. I know I’m not always quick to reply. So my partners have all the freedom in the world to give their replies back. Life interrupts. It happens. We all have something, families, a job, various things that take our attention away from here. So I’m always understanding. Now granted if the rp is burning hot for me and some time passes, I may shoot them a PM and ask them are they okay. I’ll admit that’s the impatient rper in me. I don’t want to pester anyone. Like I said, I know I’m not quick to reply. So I don’t have any room to be pushy with my partners. Boyo111 is one of my partners. He knows how it can take a while to get a response. Like DarkAngel said though, sometimes there are certain rps that I’m really hot on. They will get replies faster. You go with the muse. If inspiration is taking me for a ride with rp, I strap in and enjoy it. Right now the rp I have with Sync is moving really great. So yeah, he gets replies. If the reply is going to be more than a few paragraphs, 1400 words, then it might take you some time to get a reply back. If the reply requires me to get into the headspace of a character that is not in the best situation, you might have to wait a little while. These characters aren’t just people in print to me. I’ve created them, formed who they are through a past, gotten into their minds, and so with a post, I stay inside that mind. If you slap them, I try to feel it. If they’re about to have sex, you guessed it. I try to feel it. By the way, thank you Sync. I’m really feeling a lot there. So if she’s being abused, raped, shoved into a tiny box on a big rig with a broken toe…..It’s not always a pleasant headspace to be in, but I enjoy it. We all have reasons our replies are late. Even the “I’m lazy” one. Yeah. Been guilty of that one too. There are times I just don’t want to write. So I’ll switch on something on Netflix, and keep the computer close by just to chat. It happens.

So to sum it up, I’m unreliable because I’m human. I have a life, family, and a job that all seem to want my attention. Writing does take time, and my muse isn’t always willing to work with me on the rp I want to work on when I want to. She’s can be stubborn sometimes like that. I get lazy. Netflix can be a better option at times. I get distracted, and it has happened before where I thought I was waiting on my partner, and guess what? Surprise! They were waiting on me. I apologized, but still. Yeah. People may wonder how I keep up with all the rps I do. Well there you go. Lol. I don’t apparently. Despite all the flaws, the waiting, I must be doing something right because my wonderful partners hang around. That’s what finding the right partners can do for you. They’re willing to wait and understand.

 

[Temptationist]

WOW! I'm so thrilled with the reception of this thread topic!
Great stories with such valid points.

I'm glad people can relate to this. I was somewhat convinced I was one of the only people on BlueMoon who was simple, for lack of better explanation, consumed with many projects and not only roleplays. Indeed, I would love to respond to my partner consistently, however that's just not possible at this time. Sometimes I reply daily, sometimes not for another two weeks. I know, I'm UNRELIABLE! ^-^ Hehe.

---

Considering I am one of your partners I feel I can chime in here.

And the most wonderful and patient of roleplay partners! :angel:

 

[Fruit]

My RPs are always heavily story based so losing interest... that usually never happens to me.

Oh, I usually don't lost interest either because my RPs are also story heavy. However, there are few times when the long, unexplained, pause kills it for me, or when my partner's writing quality deteriorates to the point where I don't like the RP anymore. Or, because of poor communication, the story is steered somewhere I'm not comfortable with.

 

[Temptationist]

My RPs are always heavily story based so losing interest... that usually never happens to me.

Oh, I usually don't lost interest either because my RPs are also story heavy. However, there are few times when the long, unexplained, pause kills it for me, or when my partner's writing quality deteriorates to the point where I don't like the RP anymore. Or, because of poor communication, the story is steered somewhere I'm not comfortable with.

I get that.
Whenever it's been a long amount of time, or when I return from a hiatus, I always provide the option of terminating the RP. Because I understand how long periods of time can deter a roleplay partner, and their excitement about said idea.

 

[ShadowsLitany]

I think this pretty much sums it up.

I’m unreliable because I’m human.

Nice topic Tempationist...and if not for you I never would have gotten into doing TV show RP's, no interest previously but you caught me with Rollo since I was a Vikings fan. So Thank You.

 

[Mr Quixotic]

Life Happens. I like to think I'm reliable, and always also keep my partners informed of what's going on, and they tend to do the same. I've currently have five stories on hiatus, or where there hasn't been a post for over a month, all due to different life reasons, but my collaborators have been courteous enough to let me know where they, and the story, are at - I think, one of the benefits of not writing with anyone I don't feel a camaraderie with OoC. I also just recently picked up a scene after my partner had been absent from the site for seven months. I love each of my roleplays, and my partners (platonically, of course!), and am happy to wait as long as it takes.

The main issue I've run across regarding my own reliability is that I have a slower posting rate and, in turn, request my partners not reply too quickly. Due to my thought process, and sometimes strange way my brain works, it takes me a long time to transform the thoughts in my head into words on a screen, in a comprehensible way, and I need a break between each reply. Otherwise it becomes like "I just exhausted all my of mental energy finalising that response, and now I have to immediately turn around and do it all again", and that takes a way a lot of the enjoyment/relaxation aspect for me.

I do try to make it clear when plotting, however, some have difficulty understanding the importance to me of needing slower responses, which could come from my own difficulty of precisely expressing the reasons, or simply have the capability, or preference from their end, to post at a faster rate, and I've had to drop a couple because replies came too quickly, and found, after discussion, that it wasn't likely to change.

As stated by others, it is a partnership, and communications is the key, so you need to find what works between the two of you.

 

[kaigen]

I am also somewhat unreliable. Sometimes my mood changes. It happens from time to time. Ya end up really excited about a story just to have it fizzle out rather quickly. I try to keep things going. But sometimes it doesn't work out.

I am of a different mindset than some of you people though. I constantly see people say that no one owes anyone an explanation. Or a response. I disagree completely its called respect. If you agree to write with someone then if you decide not to write anymore then as a decent human being you owe an explanation for quitting. Sure it's the internet so we are more detached than those in real life. Just like in real life of someone agrees to go to the bar with me, then decide against it I expect a heads up. Just like in real life. If a friend thinks I don't deserve a heads up Then they aren't the type of person that I want to associate with.

Does that mean I've never dropped out of a rp or whatever with no notice? I sure have. Shit happens sometimes. And it is really easy to loose messages in the thousands that accumulate in your box. But still. I do what I can.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

I am also somewhat unreliable. Sometimes my mood changes. It happens from time to time. Ya end up really excited about a story just to have it fizzle out rather quickly. I try to keep things going. But sometimes it doesn't work out.

I am of a different mindset than some of you people though. I constantly see people say that no one owes anyone an explanation. Or a response. I disagree completely its called respect. If you agree to write with someone then if you decide not to write anymore then as a decent human being you owe an explanation for quitting. Sure it's the internet so we are more detached than those in real life. Just like in real life of someone agrees to go to the bar with me, then decide against it I expect a heads up. Just like in real life. If a friend thinks I don't deserve a heads up Then they aren't the type of person that I want to associate with.

Does that mean I've never dropped out of a rp or whatever with no notice? I sure have. Shit happens sometimes. And it is really easy to loose messages in the thousands that accumulate in your box. But still. I do what I can.

I find it somewhat disingenuous of you to say people are owed an explanation and then to give justifications of why you have sometimes not given explanations or prior notice and termed those okay. Like I said in my post, a lot of times people come at this rp thing from a very defensive position right off the bat. Nobody signs up for a bunch of rp partners just to be a dick to them all later on. And when we're talking about what people are "owed" it isn't a scale of either "respectful or absolute asshole." If we allow that sometimes shit happens and it is okay when it happens to you and you can't get to a computer then why would you be so severe and hateful towards your partner that you would assume they don't go through the same exact thing? Why would the assumption be, "if you don't have the energy or you're not feeling up to facing me to tell me you'll not be around every single time you won't be, then you're disrespecting me"? How is THAT respectful to your partner? How does that give your partner humanity and dignity?

Two scenarios:

Scenario A: Two people are in an rp together and person A feels overwhelmed by their rps but doesn't want to deal with telling people they don't want to do this sort of thing anymore right now. So, they flake, go chill and watch Netlfix, maybe even make a different rp account on another site. Person B sends them a strongly worded letter of how they are owed an explanation because you don't just skip out on your obligations.

Scenario B: Two people are in an rp together and person A gets into a car crash and are in hospital with broken something or other and away from the computer for a couple of weeks. Person B sends them a strongly worded letter of how they are owed an explanation because you don't just skip out on your obligations.

In both scenarios, Person B feels entitled to this "respect"; he is owed something and the assumption is that Person A is a dick who needs to be held accountable. But in one scenario, Person B actually comes off as the dick and a little insecure in both. Is it nice to have an explanation? Yes, but as has been discussed in other threads and particularly in my post in this one, there is this whole element to the rp community that is unhealthy and takes this stuff way too seriously. It is not fun being held to a schedule and given ultimatums for a creative hobby as dependent on relaxation and fun as writing is. Sorry, it IS toxic to demand people justify their lives to you.

If you'd like people to punch in on time and be forced to explain their activities, then maybe you should start putting them on payroll. Then it'd be fair.

 

[kaigen]

I am also somewhat unreliable. Sometimes my mood changes. It happens from time to time. Ya end up really excited about a story just to have it fizzle out rather quickly. I try to keep things going. But sometimes it doesn't work out.

I am of a different mindset than some of you people though. I constantly see people say that no one owes anyone an explanation. Or a response. I disagree completely its called respect. If you agree to write with someone then if you decide not to write anymore then as a decent human being you owe an explanation for quitting. Sure it's the internet so we are more detached than those in real life. Just like in real life of someone agrees to go to the bar with me, then decide against it I expect a heads up. Just like in real life. If a friend thinks I don't deserve a heads up Then they aren't the type of person that I want to associate with.

Does that mean I've never dropped out of a rp or whatever with no notice? I sure have. Shit happens sometimes. And it is really easy to loose messages in the thousands that accumulate in your box. But still. I do what I can.

I find it somewhat disingenuous of you to say people are owed an explanation and then to give justifications of why you have sometimes not given explanations or prior notice and termed those okay. Like I said in my post, a lot of times people come at this rp thing from a very defensive position right off the bat. Nobody signs up for a bunch of rp partners just to be a dick to them all later on. And when we're talking about what people are "owed" it isn't a scale of either "respectful or absolute asshole." If we allow that sometimes shit happens and it is okay when it happens to you and you can't get to a computer then why would you be so severe and hateful towards your partner that you would assume they don't go through the same exact thing? Why would the assumption be, "if you don't have the energy or you're not feeling up to facing me to tell me you'll not be around every single time you won't be, then you're disrespecting me"? How is THAT respectful to your partner? How does that give your partner humanity and dignity?

Two scenarios:

Scenario A: Two people are in an rp together and person A feels overwhelmed by their rps but doesn't want to deal with telling people they don't want to do this sort of thing anymore right now. So, they flake, go chill and watch Netlfix, maybe even make a different rp account on another site. Person B sends them a strongly worded letter of how they are owed an explanation because you don't just skip out on your obligations.

Scenario B: Two people are in an rp together and person A gets into a car crash and are in hospital with broken something or other and away from the computer for a couple of weeks. Person B sends them a strongly worded letter of how they are owed an explanation because you don't just skip out on your obligations.

In both scenarios, Person B feels entitled to this "respect"; he is owed something and the assumption is that Person A is a dick who needs to be held accountable. But in one scenario, Person B actually comes off as the dick and a little insecure in both. Is it nice to have an explanation? Yes, but as has been discussed in other threads and particularly in my post in this one, there is this whole element to the rp community that is unhealthy and takes this stuff way too seriously. It is not fun being held to a schedule and given ultimatums for a creative hobby as dependent on relaxation and fun as writing is. Sorry, it IS toxic to demand people justify their lives to you.

If you'd like people to punch in on time and be forced to explain their activities, then maybe you should start putting them on payroll. Then it'd be fair.

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I figured it would be implied but I guess not.

Shit happens. It's gonna happen that's ok and excusable. Just make an attempt. Take my shitty memory and being disorganized for example. If I think I've forgotten someone or went through and cleaned out my inbox I throw up something in my request thread. Life gets busy And ya cant get to the computer but when ya do you offer up an explanation then cool. "Hey. Shit got busy. Sorry." It takes ten seconds.

Then ya have the other side of the coin. No fuck you I'm probably gonna vanish on you because you're just a random person on the internet, means you're an asshole. Are constantly in the online list at the bottom of the page but after being prompted you get pissed and say you haven't been around to write? You're not only an asshole but a liar.

I personally have a couple stories on hold right now. All are really good and I want to keep them going but haven't been able to find the words for them. Like I said Shit happens. But I paid them the same respect I expect in return.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Then ya have the other side of the coin. No fuck you I'm probably gonna vanish on you because you're just a random person on the internet, means you're an asshole. Are constantly in the online list at the bottom of the page but after being prompted you get pissed and say you haven't been around to write? You're not only an asshole but a liar.

No, I got it and I disagree. On both counts and in fact that is what this thread is about. Perspective. If I vanish on you because I have stuff I want to do instead and yeah you're just an internet person, doesn't make me an asshole. It means my priorities are different than yours. Sometimes shit happens that isn't planned. Sometimes I am too fucking tired. Am I an asshole because I just don't have those ten seconds to spend on you? A random person on the internet that I share a fun hobby with? That is really insecure and limited thinking. To condemn a person because you aren't at the absolute top of their list every time, that you don't get to be in control or "know" with absolute certainty what is going on.

And the second scenario you painted? Sometimes several times during the day I log on to BMR. I have a second on break or a few minutes while the car warms up before I have to leave in the morning, or a minute while I'm making myself and my family dinner to just log on and glance through the forum and even read a topic or two. Hell, I might even post a thought or two because it doesn't take as much energy as a story post. To call me a liar just because you've been stalking the online list is not only insane it's cruel.

The thread is about perspective. You won't give anyone else the same leeway you would give yourself... You can make all these excuses and justifications for why it's okay for you to skip or miss out or just not feel good sometimes but you can't think of one good reason someone else might put you in the same position?

Nobody says to themselves, "You know what, I have an rp with kaigen but I don't feel like posting today or anytime this week. I'm going to leave him wondering where I went... FOREVER!!! MWAHAHAHA! He'll be so cheesed!" They're most likely thinking, "I am so beat this week. All I can do is scan the forum whenever I do get a chance to come on. Kaigen is such a cool and easy going guy. I wish I could message him but I just don't feel up to it. He'll understand." That's not an asshole that's human. They're not attacking you or wishing you ill. They're not deliberately trying to disrespect you or wound your ego. They just don't feel like doing it. And rp is the safe responsibility to skip out on.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

I hope that you can understand where I am coming from kaigen and what I am trying to say. I understand that it is respectful to offer explanations, but this is a privilege I am giving to you and anybody else who partners with me, not a right. I take issue mostly with these harsh judgements you cast then paired with you cleaning the slate for yourself simply because you do it the "right" way, or how you feel is right, when in all actuality the things you assume about missing people is harmful and hurtful. Nobody likes to be abandoned but in this realm, particularly with rp forums, I guarantee you will not find anybody who is secretly going around trying to screw with people and be a jerk on purpose. Everybody feels guilty for leaving someone hanging, even a little bit. Everybody is making their own justifications for why "I don't have to do this thing right now".

Let's put it this way, I'm not going to hold myself beholden to you because you don't trust me. That's not a partnership, that's a cage.

 

[kaigen]

I hope that you can understand where I am coming from kaigen and what I am trying to say. I understand that it is respectful to offer explanations, but this is a privilege I am giving to you and anybody else who partners with me, not a right. I take issue mostly with these harsh judgements you cast then paired with you cleaning the slate for yourself simply because you do it the "right" way, or how you feel is right, when in all actuality the things you assume about missing people is harmful and hurtful. Nobody likes to be abandoned but in this realm, particularly with rp forums, I guarantee you will not find anybody who is secretly going around trying to screw with people and be a jerk on purpose. Everybody feels guilty for leaving someone hanging, even a little bit. Everybody is making their own justifications for why "I don't have to do this thing right now".

Let's put it this way, I'm not going to hold myself beholden to you because you don't trust me. That's not a partnership, that's a cage.

To each their own. And I didn't say it's a right. Its not something that you're required to do for people. It is however something I require of my partners. If they choose not to do so, then so be it. If they choose not to and then come back however long later when they see something else they like in a request thread they will get exactly what I was given when they vanished then came back. Silence.

You see it as a cage when someone expects common courtesy I see it as responsibility. Sharing in a story with someone is a privilege. One that is supposed to be fun. But one that comes with responsibility. Yeah, everyone will fail in their responsibilities at some point or another. It's how they move from there that helps to define them. Come back and say hey I'm sorry I vanished. Cool. Say fuck it and fuck them? Then there's an ass.

Maybe I'm judging. Don't know cause I've never written with you. But what you describe is not a partnership. A partnership is something that is built on mutual respect and trust. Trust is earned. Wanting to be free of consequence does not a partnership make.

Does that make sense?

Do I think that there are people running around here trying to piss folks off by intentionally vanishing on folks just to piss them off? No. But there sure as shit are a lot of folk that have no clue how to be decent toward others.

 

[Temptationist]

I happen to agree with Rudolph Quin, here.

No partner owes you an explanation. They really don't. Although I do see where you're coming from, kaigen, on how it's decent common courtesy, the point I simply can't wash away is this: If the reason a person has gone MIA, it's usually out of a serious, or deeply personal reason. That personal issue is NOT owed to you. I don't care what concept of human decency you envision in your mind. If someone goes MIA, you don't know the reason; that's the reality. You don't know if they got sick, if someone in their family got sick, if someone died, if their whole world got turned upside down.

Here's how I see it. Although RPing and writing is indeed a partnership, it is NOT a relationship, and for many people, it is not even a friendship. It is a platonic agreement between two online writers that they are interested in a common idea. That's it. What happens in the real world, even if it does effect their online presence, is none of your business, whatsoever.

That's how I see it, anyways.

EDIT:
I will just add, that no offence should be taken when a partner vanishes, unless there is some form of bond, relationship, friendship, whatever that had formed through OOC conversations and etc. A partner going MIA is RARELY personal. It is rarely an attack on an individual. Quite frankly, even if it does have to do with the other partner, like for example, their writing is very poor and not to the other person's standards. They still do not owe you an explanation. In fact, it's probably better they don't give you an explanation, because then it can really become personal, and seem like an attack (even though there's a difference between brutal honesty and direct insult).

 

[kaigen]

I happen to agree with Rudolph Quin, here.

No partner owes you an explanation. They really don't. Although I do see where you're coming from, kaigen, on how it's decent common courtesy, the point I simply can't wash away is this: If the reason a person has gone MIA, it's usually out of a serious, or deeply personal reason. That personal issue is NOT owed to you. I don't care what concept of human decency you envision in your mind. If someone goes MIA, you don't know the reason; that's the reality. You don't know if they got sick, if someone in their family got sick, if someone died, if their whole world got turned upside down.

Here's how I see it. Although RPing and writing is indeed a partnership, it is NOT a relationship, and for many people, it is not even a friendship. It is a platonic agreement between two online writers that they are interested in a common idea. That's it. What happens in the real world, even if it does effect their online presence, is none of your business, whatsoever.

That's how I see it, anyways.

EDIT:
I will just add, that no offence should be taken when a partner vanishes, unless there is some form of bond, relationship, friendship, whatever that had formed through OOC conversations and etc. A partner going MIA is RARELY personal. It is rarely an attack on an individual. Quite frankly, even if it does have to do with the other partner, like for example, their writing is very poor and not to the other person's standards. They still do not owe you an explanation. In fact, it's probably better they don't give you an explanation, because then it can really become personal, and seem like an attack (even though there's a difference between brutal honesty and direct insult).

I think that both of you are missing a key point I've been making.

 

[darkangel76]

I think the main thing is that not everyone's priorities are the same and not everyone communicates in the same fashion. But what needs to be kept in mind and what I'm seeing as a common pattern is that no one should take anything personally. If your partner doesn't reply right away, don't take it as an insult. If their muse suddenly takes off on an RP that isn't yours, don't take it as an insult. More often than not the explanation is simple and your co-writer won't mind offering it up at the appropriate time. And, more often than not, said silence is short lived and passes. You just have to be patient and let it pass. We all go through our cycles after all. Anyway, when it comes to who feels a need to give a heads up and when...that might depend on the nature of the relationship formed between you and your co-writer. Some are easy to figure out because you click well and talking is easy and conversation flows about anything. With others it can be harder to tell. I, for one, can have a hard time telling sometimes. I've a hard time reading people in general. So when people give certain signals/cues, I interpret them accordingly. Right or wrong. And I tend to be rather literal. But that aside, there are people who give very little when you try to talk to them. Either they don't converse much or the level of conversation is what I term 'fluff and nonsense'. That is, they won't really talk outside the scope of the story you're writing together. And that's ok. But I will never consider those people friends. Acquaintances, maybe. *shrugs*

But I digress some.

Point is, if you find out that the way a person posts and/or communicates doesn't mesh with how you operate...don't take it personally. It doesn't mean the other is a bad person, malicious, evil, what have you. They just don't function like you. Therefore, it's best to not write with them. Sure, you can interact. But writing and doing things of that nature? It's probably best avoided.

 

[solitaryman]

I have read, with interest, the contents of this thread. I would, at this time, like to add my cent and a half on this topic. I thought a couple of times of not saying anything, but, it's hard to take a blind eye to some things.

I am 61 years old, and been in the US Air Force for 20 years. I have been around a lot of people, been to a lot of places. My father just passed away at the age of 99, two months short of his 100th birthday, and himself was a construction worker and coal miner. He taught me the value of hard work, decency, dignity, honor and respect, which I try to carry on now, and I believed in when I was in the military.

In short, no matter how we try to rationalize things about role playing partnerships, it is just that, a quasi relationship between two individuals. You can't take the human element out of things, in this forum, or in life for that matter. I have always tried, in and out of this forum to treat people like I hope they treat me. It doesn't matter how high you raise your shields, or come off how tough you are, rejection hurts. Especially, when someone tosses you away like a piece of paper into a garbage can. Especially when you're treated as if you're a statistic, or a notch on someone's pen.

It's ironic that we're practicing a form of communication, yet we don't seem to know how to communicate with a partner. I have no problem if someone does not want to role play with me, for whatever reason, or real life reals its ugly head and causes disruption of things. If not just for common courtesy, it's nice to know what is going on.

Maybe just tossing away a roleplay partner is the accepted thing to do, I'll call it the 'BMR two step' but for me I don't dance that way. If someone partners with me in a role play, I will always, to the very best of my ability, treat that person as I hope they will treat me. With decency, dignity, honor, and respect. I may not have a lot of partners, as some of you do, but those I am rich for those I have.

Anyway, that is my cent and a half...now you can tear up and destroy what I say to rationalize that your agenda is right. At least thank you for allowing me to share my idea, which is what a forum should be about.

 

[Rudolph Quin]

Anyway, that is my cent and a half...now you can tear up and destroy what I say to rationalize that your agenda is right. At least thank you for allowing me to share my idea, which is what a forum should be about.

You actually had me agreeing with you up to this point. I don't know why you have to expect this sort of attack. We're sharing ideas here and kaigen actually illuminated a part of what he was saying that I realized I had been missing, which is why I left it alone. So, I'm here to tell you, your opinion matters and it is insulting to expect attack, not only to those who are sitting here nodding their heads, possibly the very people you expected to come in and attack you, but also to yourself. It is okay to own your opinion without apologies, because you're right and you presented it in a way that is very personal to you without casting judgement(except this last that you cast upon everyone who might respond and yourself for even stepping forward). *hugs* I appreciate what you've said. Maybe you don't hear that enough? And if it looked like I was attacking kaigen, I did not mean to come off that way. I am defending the perspective that I have.

That's the thing about perspective, when it is challenged we see it as an attack. You see kaigen being attacked by me and others because you share his opinion; you put your heart in his basket instead of mine, whereas Tempt and dark both put their hearts in my baskets, seeing kaigen and possibly you now as being the attackers.

I come at it from a place of guilt on the extreme side of the scale because of behavior I have exhibited in the past. Once I broke up with that rp partner and started getting my life on track, I realized what I had done to her. Then I had a couple partners myself who liked to play the same games and talking about rejection hurting, it hurts to be called a liar. It hurts for someone who is supposed to have this connection with you, for them to not even trust you, to not give you any leeway to have a bad day or to be tired, to come at you from this place of entitlement and defensiveness. This is the place that I am coming at it from, talking about the connection in its infancy, when we're just starting out, either planning the rp or a couple posts in, nothing is solidified yet. And yet this is the time I feel like people expect the most control, the most truth, despite not offering any for their partner, not waiting and taking a breath. I am constantly painted by the brush of my partners' past failures, their sense of rejection, their expectation for me to victimize them. That is the place I am coming from, where your rejection of ME before I even walk away hurts.

What I agree with is communication is key, truth is key. I also agree that the partners who are my friends, who we've made something long and beautiful with, are owed more than the one just starting out. Those are the people that I leave a quick note to. Those are the people that I come back and apologize, offering explanations for why I wasn't able to get to them on my list of things to do. I still offer explanations for the others, still starting out. I'm not saying I don't. What I take issue with is coming back to a note, after only three days of silence, angry and blustering, entitled and off the deep end because I left. No chance for explanation because they've already assumed that I left them and it's just not fair. Despite me rushing home that day and saying, "Finally! I can get to this! I cannot wait! ^.^ " only to be faced with distrust, accusations, and a flood of insecurity. Or how about the people who keep silent and when I send them a note or post, they treat me like a petulant child, "Oh? You're back? *haughty sniff* I thought you'd left."

I like the type of relationship where I can come back after days of silence and we can pick up where we left off, joking, updating about our lives, and the story is still there or we're willing to start something fresh. I don't like feeling like I have to come home and send you a note or you'll be mad at me, you'll judge me, you'll write me off because I just don't feel like talking to anyone anymore tonight. I don't like feeling like I am not owed some trust for being your partner, I am not owed some respect because "she'll be back. She always comes back. I hope that she is doing alright." So, yes, respect is owed on both sides. Agreed.

[/attack] (jk for soloman )

 

[darkangel76]

: )

I haven't really seen anyone attacking anyone. But those who've been most vocal are also people I converse with quite regularly. XD So maybe that has something to do with it. And by that, I don't mean about this topic. I mean that I get how they speak, the manner in which they have a conversation and discuss stuff with you. XD

So anyway, my way is to try my best to communicate just because that's how I roll. Does it always flow easily? Nope. Sometimes stuff comes up unexpectedly. Or sometimes I'm hit by sudden overwhelming stressors. Sometimes I just can't read how in the fuck I should be communicating with my co-writer (yeah, this happens, lol). But whatever the case, I say what I mean and it sucks when the trust is severed. I will say that things always flow best for me when there's a nice balance of things. Meaning we write well together and get along ooc. With the ooc I tend to get bored if the chatter constantly revolves around fluffy nonsense. It's not the worst thing in the world, but chances of story survival diminish and I certainly won't view you as more that a fleeting acquaintance. Just a fact. And if you aren't willing to take the time to connect with me as a person on some level it's just harder for me to stay interested for very long or feel a need to drop notes all that often. That isn't said to be cruel, just I'm more inclined to feel more comfortable talking to those I know give a TRUE damn than those who just want a post out of me. <.<

That said, one of my co-writers who's posted in this thread is kaigen. And while he's voiced some things differing from Quin (a dear friend of mine) and Tempt, I will say that he's taken that time to connect with me. Whether intentional or not. So it makes the writing enjoyable and the ooc easy. It makes me want to give those heads up even on those days when I might not feel like it because that respect is there much like my friend Quin has it. Not sure if that makes any sense or not. I do tend to ramble. Lol. XD But I guess my point is that the way people treat you can really matter. The way they talk to you, etc. At least it does for me.