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Need some advice - it's called THE PUSSY PASS

Joined
May 21, 2012
Location
London
((This is something I wrote after inadvertently gaining inspiration off a female friend I was chatting to the other day. I thought I would throw it on here and see if any of you would like to give me feedback on what you think of it, how you think I can improve it etc))


'Yet another rejection! I thought she kinda liked me. I mean, she smiled at me, laughed at my jokes, chatted to me all the time. Maybe she was just being nice, after all women want a guy who is confident, good looking, stylish, the ones you see in movies or on aftershave adverts. Not poor, gawky-looking guys like me'

He continues to go over the events of last night, trying to work out if she really liked him or whether she was just leading him on, then crushing him for her enjoyment. It wouldn't be the first time he had fallen victim to this. On his way in to work his dead end job at the local leisure centre, he continues to lay into himself, head down, eyes on the pavement as he aimlessly kicks stones and conkers.
A few paces ahead of him something drifts to the ground. It's golden, shiny and about the size of a credit card, but more flimsy. Stirred out of depressive daydreams for just a second, he rushes forwards to pick it up, looking around to see who may have dropped it. There's a figure ahead of him, female of average height and build in a rush. "Excuse me miss! Miss! I think you dropped something!" He calls, but it's no use, she's already in her car and driving off. He shrugs and looks it over, reading the name "Pussy Pass?" He says it out loud to to nobody but himself, wondering both what it is and why it comes out in bold whenever he says it. Taking a closer look there's a web address, which he hurriedly looks up on his phone. Within seconds an instructional video is playing

Congratulations! You are the the lucky winner of the one of a kind Pussy Pass! From this point on, your life will never, and I mean never be the same. Wipe that hand clean, put back that bottle of lotion and put away that fleshlight, because you will never need a substitute for pussy again!
The Pussy Pass is a revolutionary new device that will completely change the way guys "pick up chicks." No more flirting, no more having to buy drinks, no more having to wine and dine, no more even having to date! Heck, the owner of the Pussy Pass doesn't even have to deal with rejection any more.
When you reveal the Pussy Pass to a woman, it uses completely new and revolutionary technology to release a hypnotic wave, affecting everyone in a 10m radius. The woman it is pointed to specifically will behave however you want, and do anything you ask her to. I mean it, anything. Well, that effect will only last until you "finish" on or in her. During this time, everyone else affected will simply continue their day, however they will forget that you or your target exist at all.
So what are you waiting for! Start using your Pussy Pass right now! Act quickly and get the Expansion Extravaganza add on completely FREE!You heard me, FREE! With this add on your Pussy Pass will also allow to expand, well, certain assets on the female of your choice. And the best part? You can feel free to go as crazy with your expansions as you like, because ABSOLUTELY NONE of the changes are permanent! (Okay I get it, it's kinda bullshit. If you're willing to slip me a bit of a tip, I might be able to make sure your Pussy Pass "malfunctions")
What the fuck are you still doing here! You have your Pussy Pass already! Go out and use it for God's sake! Go! Go! Get yourself some free, consequence free pussy!


"Holy crap! Come on Pussy Pass - it did it again! - today is going to be a fun day at work!"
 
RE: Need some advise - it's called THE PUSSY PASS

Saw this in an anime once. It was pretty lame then, it's pretty lame now. The only difference was that if that guy didn't fuck the girl within a time limit, ninjas showed up and jerked him off. Because anime, that's why. This is just not really that interesting.
 
It was very hard for me to read in present tense. I'm not a fan of the idea, but it could work if:

A. The writing was easier to understand.
B. The starting point was not dialogue. Introduce the character and his personality. Make your reader relate to him(Chances are the only niche for this idea would be other males).
C. More descriptions would better help me visualize. Your description of the female was pretty weak and it felt rushed. Something like,
"He moved to pick up the strange looking card, and then took a glance around to see who might have dropped it. A flash of red hair obstructed his view, and he squinted to get a better look. It was definitely a female, who looked to be of average height. She wasn't too large or too slim, but from what he could tell, she had an amazingly plump looking backside that his eyes gravitated towards. In that moment of distraction, she was gone as quickly as she had appeared."

Basically, work on your writing. Your idea may excite you but if your audience cannot visualize what you are seeing, no one will be interested in it.
 
Squishypink said:
Saw this in an anime once. It was pretty lame then, it's pretty lame now. The only difference was that if that guy didn't fuck the girl within a time limit, ninjas showed up and jerked him off. Because anime, that's why. This is just not really that interesting.

Haha, really? Damn, now I'm curious, Pink! What is the name of the anime?
 
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